well Im not sure how long it is for anyone really...I have an illness and am always like that...stomach aches and diaheara.....so I hvae just leart to live with it all...
As far as life setting in...it has for me...I see everyday..even in the tail end of my using..I guess which is now...I have a hard time facing it...but somedays are better than others..and sometimes I just have to tell myself Im going to be okay and then get thru my day...its a toss up for me really........
Hang in there!! Glad you hear, keep posting!!
Thanks. Went for a run, as i am trying to get back into a schedule of things that are positive even if addictive since i have an addictive personality. Used to run 45 to 50 miles a week 15 years ago and ran marathons and ultras. Now i was doing this. Two full days of 1 1/2 and since i have had the stomach pains, diarrhea and the like anyway, i am going to try to go to O today. My thinking is i tapered for two days and i still felt like ****. If i am going to feel like that, i might as well stop and use my xanax to get thru the anxiety and jitters that i had anyway. I am trying to develop the mentality that Vicodin is my enemy, my mortal enemy and no longer my friend. He/She is out to get me. I have to do this. I am an all or nothing person. i have no middle ground in anything i do. That is who i am and i have to accept that i cant take 2 Vicodins a day for my life because i wont. I will go back up. I have to stop. Popeye says, i am what i am and thats all what i am... i am obsessive complulsive and addictive, but i am not an idiot. I can see the destruction and what it is doing to me. I needed a few slaps in the face. I got them and now i have my wife and ALL OF YOU PEOPLE. Thank You from my heart and my entire being.
WE are blessed to have a site...to have someone in our lives....
I havet his site..and relay only on my honesty......but I dont have this site 24 7 which kinda sucks.....but what can you do...
Im a middle person......I sit in the grey.....lol and dont leave there much....I cant I do...and I have....but I still end up here......in the same spot...I think its me that stops it...I turn it off when I reach something negative...
I think to some degree I can only get clean is to totally stay away from everyone...which isnt possible...so I slip...my slips arent heavy but they are slips none the less......I dont know what else to do, I do know that I have gotten better though..to some degree...itsmosly my insane thinking
Thank you Catuf, I liked what you had to say. I agree, especially with the end of your statement. Look, what so many people on these forums believe is that they just need to detox from taking drugs, and they will just be fine. I am not trying to burst anyones bubble, but that is simply NOT the case. If you are a true addict, and you detox off your drug, and go on with your life, you WILL, no if's, ands, or buts about it, use again. I don't care how much willpower you have, or how sure you are of yourself, it's going to happen. How do you know this Danny? Well, it's been proven time and time again, by addict after addict. You see, these opiates are not your problem, they are simply your solution for handling your problems. You are going to quit abusing pain killers, and still be left with your problems that caused you to numb yourself in the first place. 98.8% of addicts who just quit using, eventually go back to it again. Hey, maybe some of you are the exception, but I wasn't. I could not stay clean no matter what I tried, until I found the 12 steps. Not only did it teach me about my innermost fears and problems, that I was trying to run from by using, but it showed me how to solve them. This is just a suggestion to those of you going through the detox process right now. And yes, I was one of you at one time. I started with pain killers and it eventually led me to heroin, as it was cheaper, which opened up a whole new world of hurt for me. I detoxed many, many times, and now, i'm coming up on a year clean, and not just clean, but happy, honest, and full of love. Good luck to all.
>My FEAR is that without the ESCAPE FROM REALITY, that >once real reality sets in, I wont be able to deal with >it.
I had exactly the same fear. I don't know about yours, but my fear was very well founded. Time after time I'd get clean only to find that I was simply unable to deal with life w/o my hydrocodone. So, time after time I relapsed, even after clean runs of 30-60 days.
None of those relapses was a willing or intentional return to the insanity of active addiction. Each time was intended only to be LIMITED USE for a LIMITED TIME. It was ALWAYS "only a couple to get me through X," perhaps "a few to get me through Y" or "just a damn break for today, but tomorrow I'll hop back on the wagon." Of course, it NEVER worked that way.
Part of the problem was the stress caused by having to deal with all of the problems that had piled up during the long periods of active, high-use addiction. Generally not anything horrible (back then, anyway), but just a MOUNTAIN of details, each of which was SCREAMING to be taken care of YESTERDAY.
I've been taught that stress is probably the very worst thing for any addict, especially one in early Recovery.
Stress is what causes even seemingly Recovery-dedicated people to relapse. See, e.g., http://www.nida.nih.gov/NIDA_Notes/NNVol14N1/Stress.html
[For a host of articles on the topic, Google
"addiction+relapse+stress" (without the quotes)]
To me what this says is that I was a prisioner of my own brain chemistry, which was out of whack to begin with and thrown even more out of whack by my years of opiate and then cocain abuse. As if all THAT wasn't bad enough, the problem was compounded by my life style during active addiction, i.e. eating very poorly (if at all), dehydration, not sleeping enough, etc. Then, I had to heap on the emotional/spiritual factors, such as: living in constant issolation (constructive if not actual); living with growing fear, shame, paranoia, etc.; constantly lying to EVERYONE (I even lied about my use levels to my dealers! "no, no, no - one-half of the last 120 Tabs was for my friend!") . . . on and on and on.
Far from that ideal of "mens sana in corpore sano" (a healthy mind in a healthy body), active addiction leaves us with a sick mind in a sick body (I suppose, "mens gravatus in corpre gravatus").
It's pretty easy to heal the body - STOP taking the drug and START giving the body what it needs (food, sleep, exercise, a few vitamins, etc.). But when it comes to the brain, many of us act as if all we need to do is just STOP taking the drug. I don't think that's enough. I think it's a necesssary first step, but it's just the first step. Recovery is like many long journeys; you can't get anywhere unless you take the first step; however, and no matter how good your first step is, you won't go very far if you stop after the first step.
The good folks here are no doubt getting sick of "my" books, but they really helped me and they address what I needed soon after my first step of stopping, RESTORATION OF MY BRAIN CHEMISTRY, So, they are:
1) End Your Addiction Now, by Charles Gant;
2) Staying Clean & Sober, by Miller & Miller;
3) Staying Sober, by Gorski & Miller; and
4) The Mood Cure, by Julia Ross.
Another step that I needed immediately after the first was treatment for my disease. Many people find the Rooms of AA and/or NA to be sufficient treatment. For me it certainly qualifies as neccessary "after care," but initially I needed long-term, residential rehab for my treatment (I'm not suffesting that you do too - just saying what I needed).
I suppose this was a long-winded way of saying that if you don't leave out the necessary component of treating your brain chemistry, you will pretty quickly find that reality is not such a bad place.