Avatar universal

The big 3-0 off trams and some soul searching

Here I am 30 days later - no trams what so ever... I started thinking back to when I started and when I found this place of hope and inspiration.

The first 4 days of my W/D I had merely decided that this would have to end now because I was on a path that would eventually be bad - I hadn't really read anything about tramadol other than the usual product labels and since my routine always was abuse in the weekends and then nothing during the weekdays I was pretty confident I would be up and running in a couple of days... 4 days of physical w/d followed but I knew this so it wasn't that bad - remember I have always been on Efexor XR which is probably why the physical part wasn't that bad... Day 5 however my whole world came crashing down on me.

I met a nice girl 8 months ago through my cousin... and eventually we started dating and a relationship... On day 5 my cousin and my ex (hopefully still future GF) had a very large and bad fight - verbal - and I could just stand by and see the whole thing fall apart.. My ex has always dealt with these kinds of situations the same way and seeing me reminded her of my cousin so after talking on day 6 and day 7 we ended it for the time being... At his time my emotions and feelings were all over the map... Irrational thoughts that she was the only one who could ever love me and then moments of rational thinking where I felt sad but knew that this was not the end of my life and there probably was one who would match me even better..

The irrational pattern made me think back to the times I started on AD’s and this was the exact same thing combined with effects I had experienced after my 3 month run-in with Oxy’s... That made me read up on tramadol and Efexor XR and I was shocked… really shocked to find out that what I had in fact been doing for 2 years was screwing around with the one thing that keeps me leveled and not struggling with anxiety and depression – It made me realize how little attention I had been paying to my actual medicine Efexor XR and how stupid careless I had been with tramadol which I saw as a harmless drug..

Fast forward to day 30 – Progress all around. My anxiety is much much better – I can function normal at work and any other situation I meet. The worst time is in the morning where I always wake up before the alarm clock and it is always accompanied by anxiety. I get up and start the day and “normal” level resumes. Depression – well I still have periods during the day where I am not where I would like to be… I get periods where I start thinking about if this is a TV show I should be seeing or if it’s not good for me to talk to my ex. Many things have changed during this month – I stopped eating candy, cake, sweets and junk food. Instead I now eat fruits during the day and much less than I used to. I exercise 3 times a week and it feels great – I have lost 18 pounds and I am down to my last hole in the belt. During good parts of the day I am thoroughly able to enjoy all this progress but at the same time I suddenly feel like my identity is gone or the life I had… I know the pills weren’t a life I wanted and I know that the lazy attitude I had towards my health wasn’t doing me any good but at down times during the day I can feel a bit like “is this semi-happy semi-depressed persona my new life”… I never was the outgoing social person but now I feel that my cousin is not enough of a social life for me – I need more people in my life… One of the realizations I have made through this ordeal is that I actually WANT a relationship – I want someone special in my life and I think I will be more open to this in the future due to this.

I hope all of the above made a little sense – I needed to get it down on paper and I feel I need others take on this.

Make no mistake – I am glad about the choices I have made and I am determined to see this thing through... Every day IS a little better than the previous and compared to a month ago I am one happy camper. It’s just those moments when you think; What if this is as good as it gets.

Best Answer
4113881 tn?1415850276
Congrats on the 30 days and all the changes you have made this last month. You sound really good. The emotions you are feeling sound normal. Recovery is a very slow process which is hard for addicts because we always want instant gratification. The ups and downs will come and go....and after some time they will be easy to deal with. I often wondered to myself, "Is this as good as it gets" until I realized its all perspective. Meaning...if you look at what your life was like using and compare it to life clean...you will see life is better. (IMO) I think...(at least for myself) I spent so many years numbing myself with drugs that when I finally got clean  and started to feel again...It was a roller coaster.

Its actually very normal to have lows in life. When were using we dont really experience them like "normal" people so when we get clean and they hit us were like...whoa! Understanding that its normal to have moments of anxiety, depression, etc are big....after time I started to be able to deal with those feelings a lot easier because I was used to them..they weren't foreign. You will continue to feel better....just stay the course.

Thats cool you want to find that special someone...I respect that. Im just going to throw my 2 cents in though and say that you should just be concentrating on your recovery right now. As long as you continue to better yourself...you will eventually meet the right girl for you. You dont need to throw in a relationship to the already emotional roller coaster thats accompanies the first part of recovery.

Your doing good and I hope you continue to move forward.


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Avatar universal
HolyMoly I'm so very proud of you and let me just say any girl would be lucky to have you. If it doesn't work out it will be her loss and just KNOW that God has it all planned out before you even get there so NO WORRIES my brother! You are amazing and I'm so glad your here! Congrats on the big 30 my sweet,amazing, Danish partner in crime!
Helpful - 0
4341997 tn?1514588688
Great post Bjorn!!  and i feel ya on what you said at the end....i too, sometimes think..."is this as good as it gets?"  but even if it is for me....i'll take it anyday over using....congrats again on those 30 days!!  way to rock it my friend!  you will meet that special someone when you least expect it :)
Helpful - 0
5685035 tn?1423932969
It gets better, and worse, and better its the better we look forward too! But thats just life as an addict or not good days and bad...I take the bad and make the best of it and survive, and the GOOD I roll with!! Looking forward to the GREAT one day :)
I am so PROUD of you!!
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
Congrats on 30 days!!  That is a great accomplishment.  Live in the day, the moment etc.  You are early in your recovery and the best is yet to come.  Enjoy each step you take, learn from the lessons and continue to put one foot in front of the other.  Recovery is a slow process and needs to be.  We need to learn to live again clean.  Life is what we make it.  You are in the drivers seat so buckle up and enjoy the ride.  As for a relationship....i would get more comfortable in your own skin.  Take this time for you now, get to know you.  When the time is right it will happen.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
TY all for your great responses - At the moment my relationship to my ex is on a "maybe it will happen again" pause and since I still have strong feelings for her I'm letting it play out taking things very slowly... If I didn't have her in my life as a potential I would definitely not be looking right now as I totally agree with you - I have to find my own stabil self before even looking in that direction...

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Oh - just wanted to add that instant gratification is something I have thought long and hard about and the reason why I stopped eating like I wanted... the last 2 years om trams have been an endless row of instant gratifications and I actually needed to re-learn that not every choice you make has to be the most appealing - somethings NEEDS to be done even though you may not feel like it... my exercise for example..
Helpful - 0
4202953 tn?1377183506
Hi Moly! Congrats on the 30 days! You've been amazing around here...always lifting spirits and cracking jokes. I've really enjoyed getting to know you and I have no doubt that you have a great future ahead of you. Take it day-by-day and continue to be patient. Emotions will begin to even out and the right lady will come along when the time is right (I like to think that the big man upstairs handles all that for us :). Thanks for being so awesome and supportive. You're great! :)
Helpful - 0
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