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Avatar universal

Thin Ice & feeling cocky...

Closing in on 30 days clean.

I don't want to use again. I seldom think about using except when I slip and wander into wonder. So, I do wonder? Out of the blue, for no reason, I sometimes I slip, fall & subtly hint at myself about wrecking.
Then again........I feel so damn goody 2 shoes 30 days clean that I often feel almost invincible. That little shot now & again might just put me over the edge into super duper wonderland as if I'm missing something that I know might indeed kill me? How does it get better than this? Clean, I mean?. WTF?

I guess I just answered my own question. Is it normal for the addict in us to keep pushing the button? It's like Pavlov's dog. The bell just keeps ringing. Ding. ****. Salivation city like spit not salvation. And the titless cold Witch ain't quite dead yet. I'm trying to nip this thing in the bud. Will the urges calm down? The bell rings just enough for me to pause and think. As though I'm on the proverbial threshhold like a lemming about to jump off the cliff.

Is that the absolute dumbest question I could ask? I'm doing NA & AA, I'm talking to people who've been in my shoes. Yet, much of the time, I feel like I'm walking alone. I seriously don't even put myself into situations where I can use! I spend 1/2 my time in mosques, churches or YMCA's and amongst the Amish. OK.....I don't really spend that much quality time with the Amish. But you get my point.......

I need that "Serenity" thing but I just can't reach out and grab it. Is it an aquired taste?
9 Responses
495284 tn?1333894042
Recovery is a slow process so try and work on patience.  Takes awhile before we give up that "instant gratification" thing we strived for when we were using.  The urges will calm down.  Dont overwhelm yourself.  That really can make the urges come big time.  As for the serenity?  The longer you are clean the more you will feel it.  You are doing really well so keep doing what you are doing.  Remember to keep that Guard Up!!         sara
Avatar universal
Thanks D.
I will persevere. I guess what you're saying is that time heals all wounds and at the moment my wounds are open. I'll clobber this thing.

GUARD UP! Just living 50 yrs, even though it's been whacked out living for the last 3 yrs,+ has made it clear to me that time is my best friend. Time didn't count for the last 3 yrs. It does now. I do have a good grip on things. You know? Sometimes I just need to vent my bippee and sock it to you.

All in all.....I can do this. I simply never really tried fighting life & death b4. 60 days from now....Hell, 10 yrs from now you will be saying I knew him when..........Bless 'Ya..Toby
Avatar universal
One more thing.....

Dadgummit! Even though I'm still having trouble sleeping and I'm still sneezing like Marvin Gaye gone queer, I really do feel pretty damn good. This whole thing is worth it. Having my life back is a genuine miracle.
It's simply that "serenity" thing that is proving elusive.

I DO remember how "serenity" felt. I earned it back in the day. I'll earn it again. I'll be paid back twofold. I'm gonna keep rockin'. I promise y'all that.... as I do owe myself that wee bit of sanity

At the risk of being redundant......Thank you all!.
495284 tn?1333894042
Oh i so remember the sneezing!!  It was pretty ugly for a few days!!!  All of this is a pretty small price to pay for getting our lives back.  The sleep thing really does suk but when it comes back you will sleep like a baby.

Dont try and force the serenity, it will happen when you least expect it~~~~~
1481358 tn?1288295091
I feel the same exact way. We are learning life without the high times. I do have to say life is great. Not all the time but in general. Being sober is a way of life. Its hard to just learn a new way to live. Getting your mind healthy takes way longer than the week of wds. Even a month out, the way your thinking-is it 100% you? I know it feels like it. I also believe this is a addict talking now. I cant be fixed in a day or two. I didnt get here in a day or two. A week or two. Man even a year or two. It took time. Getting my screwed on straight is gonna take time. You too. Once you turn it away and really not want it youll be set free. Life will be good.
1435456 tn?1314674659
Toby,  Sorry I missed this last night. Hang in there brother.. you got this. I know how you feel but it does indeed get better. You are certainly doing all the right things and time will start to play in your favor. I was watching the clock on 60 days but almost went past 90 without even noticing.. You got this friend, just do as Sara says.. keep that guard up and keep the aftercare going.

You still kill me with your posts. You have such a comical/positive spin on everything.. that is a good thing. I want to celebrate every month with you. God Bless, Andrew
Avatar universal
Hey Toby.....sorry to here you struggle for me I found serenity threw Jesus....I know on my worst day God still loves me and rather then shunning me for my sin he sent his only son to die on a cross to forgive me of everything I ever have done am doing and will do in the future
he wants to work this stuff out with me not condemn me over it...it brings me piece know I got a God who cares and is willing to work with the broken me...threw out the years I have learned to trust him....he has never let me down....you might want to give him a try
it changed my life....p/m me if you have any questions im always available to shair
good luck and God bless......Gnarly  
1122748 tn?1306239764
I seldom think about using except when I slip and wander into wonder. So, I do wonder?

now thats some addict thinking! :) classic
Avatar universal
BroFrankie...that's 'cause I'm a classic addict.... lol
Today is indeed the 30 day mark.

I feel like I did on Day 1. Maybe worse. My reward for being 30 days clean is a massive sinus tar-goo glob & a pounding skull throbbing. I think all this violent sneezing as a result of WD's has finally caught up with me. I never snorted oxys but somehow they seem to have wreaked havoc with my sinus system.

I found some script decongestant liquid stuff in a bathroom drawer that I somehow missed when I was using but it has/had codeine in it. The contents went down the sink. I've got a feeling I've really screwed my nasal cavities up with the junk. I wonder if Marcus Welby still makes house calls? If this don't end tomorrow I'll have to get to a doctor since I  don't even know if I can drive right now....Gezundheit.

Are there any home remedies for an opiate induced sneeze-fest?
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495284 tn?1333894042
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