Aa
Tomorrow Is Quit Day, Am I Ready ?
I'll give some background and you can decide if you wish to read further. Im Arrogant and responsible for this addiction situation I've got myself into. Infact I've had 45 mg of Oxy and 30 mg of Norco this morning while im writing this
Im not a pain patient , Im a manipulative recreational user (scum) , so most of you wont want to read further ,im thinking if I ramble and get my thoughts down here may I will remember some of this tomorrow and maybe this will help me , and if you can look at me in disgust, maybe I can gross you out enough to walk away
I had a lower back injury about 3 years ago, like a lot of you, I was prescribed Norco & Flexeril,
Anyway , I took one of each just 1 day, got the Euphoria feeling and decided it wasnt for me I dont like not having control of my thoughts and emotions, although it helped a little with the pain, deep tissue massages actually helped my back recover, the pills stayed in the closet incase ever needed for a real cause!
Why did I decide it wasn't for me ? I don't like not having full control of myself, In my youth I have drank clubbing 7 days a week(since I was 15, had bouncer and bar workers serve me drinks lol) , smoked , smoked weed , done coke for years, experimented with LSD. not sure If im missing anything, weed, smoking cigs & coke turned into addictions but i managed to snap out of them with little to no effort , ive smoked cigs for over 20 years , which I stopped last year, much easier than I thought once you realize some simple truths, again mind over matter .. I wont go into it here ,but it simply is cause and effect.
Back to my story, fixed my back and some months later , i dont know wtf for i thought I wonder what its like ??? took the norc and , got emotional release & overtime began pushing myself to see how much I can tolerate, I discovered its pointless taking it continously throughout the day it doesnt get you any higher, I remember taking 10 10 325 in 4 hours, i know the APAP is too high in that period of time from my medical training once i had already taken it .... anyway began limiting myself to only 3 10 325 every day well actually twice a week which became everyday pretty quick , and since its pointless to chase the buzz throughout the day take it in the morning , until there was little to no effect with that and back up we go to 6-8 10 325 ,what a loser!!! , so I have coffee with it , it brings up the buzz, tried beer with it in the evening , that was pointless and dangerous, then tried smoking a cig with it , yeah that worked too, so started smoking again ... go me after quitting a 20 year habit , supplies run short go back and manipulate a decent doc, hiding my addiction from doc, from my wife (whose pills ive taken, she doesnt touch em, so i put tynelol pills in her case and took her norcs :-( ), and family, started counting pills and always running out early , established new sources , discovered oxys , not impressive at 1st, then here goes the pattern , sometimes taking 2 or 3 oxy 30 and 3 norc 10 325 at once.... I should add im such a selfish bas**** that i know when im commuting for work i start nodding at night , im going to either kill myself or end up killing someone else , i get that but i can control it right ??? Anyway up goes the dosage and the buzz still hasnt quite been as good as the 1st one taken, so ive not taken it for a month to lower my tolerance and then take a semi high dose and still not as good... ***** heres the thing I go a month without it ,there is no physical symptoms nothing people here have mentioned & described other than physically feeling stronger, with sleep who wants to sleep there life away anyway , it comes back pretty quick , i think if your looking for the symptoms you'll find them, but reading through Ive learned im not Immune & i have been suffering symptoms much much worse than the physical, its the mental symptoms everyday counting down days until i will take the next dose.... Not so smart after all am I, funny thing is the opiates symptoms have left my body long ago at that point , Im creating the mental symptoms not the opiates .... what a mug ..... and actually then makes it easier to fix ..... too easy ???
anyway Ive considered Opana, Fentanyl even Heroin (how do you got to considering heroin ??), i know i would never shoot a syringe in my arm, but when I found myself snorting oxy a few days ago after taking my daily dosage to get a better buzz.... I may just be starting to lose control while im high, how long before I take a dangerous level..... rock n roll life huh? die young.... wtf for, yeah anyway I decided today was my last day to get high, so I am & it is , will stop totally tomorrow, I know how it'll go if im not smug about it , i also know all it takes is the thought of taking the pills and ill reach for them, but not tomorrow I'm onto the scam here, I wont be smoking I know from my clear mind its filthy Ive had to teach my body to think it does something for me ... another f****n scam. Im not interested in tapering down (even though I have kept afew aside just incase ...lol ....) From my experience there is no logic in trying to quit a habit by using the same habit..... Ie If I was an alcoholic I wouldnt stop being an alcoholic by stopping vodka and replacing it with a beer ..... no sense in it... and im not gonna die by quitting this habit, I can take a bout of the runs or whatever, no one ever had food poinsoning?? i have and youknow what i dont remember s*** about it lol , but if I continue with it I know its a matter of time, I know me, and if I dont stop this year maybe the next that will be it ...
The insight Ive had through my addicitons experience which has made me so smug when i find myself in this s*** pit is the withdrawals , the withdrawal isnt taken away by taking another pill all taking another pill does is guarantee that the withdrawal will come back over & over , thats the scam !!!! that really is all there is.... everything else is background noise and brainwashing ..... it's an illusion and because you hear it, read it , watch it, doesnt make it true you choose to believe the rest is true .. I read some where on these forums by a recovering addict that these opiates are 10% physical and 90% psychological , deal with the 90% and you will fart the 10% out... if NA and meeting help you deal with that 90% go with it ... personally, i think Ive F'd up enough to get through it and this forums stories to keep my mind in check.
Anyone that is interested or curious in how this theory & method will go please check in with me, I am excited about tomorrow maybe because im high today... im kidding high or not, im not just arrogant im stubborn I will get control back, but not so smug that I belive it was as easy as its gonna be else ill end up back in this position , it wont be so easy the next time
Im thankful i came across this forum it planted the seed ... Everyone has to find the method that works for them , when I succesfully stop tomorrow thats it, im not labeled in recovery , Im basically done with it... none of this i wonder if ill be clean the rest of my life ... ummm how you going to know that until you've lived all your life ... no thanks lifes too short to carry that heavy burden ... so you either are or aren't no grey areas and tomorrow ... I WILL TAKE BACK CONTROL MY OWN LIFE
Im not a pain patient , Im a manipulative recreational user (scum) , so most of you wont want to read further ,im thinking if I ramble and get my thoughts down here may I will remember some of this tomorrow and maybe this will help me , and if you can look at me in disgust, maybe I can gross you out enough to walk away
I had a lower back injury about 3 years ago, like a lot of you, I was prescribed Norco & Flexeril,
Anyway , I took one of each just 1 day, got the Euphoria feeling and decided it wasnt for me I dont like not having control of my thoughts and emotions, although it helped a little with the pain, deep tissue massages actually helped my back recover, the pills stayed in the closet incase ever needed for a real cause!
Why did I decide it wasn't for me ? I don't like not having full control of myself, In my youth I have drank clubbing 7 days a week(since I was 15, had bouncer and bar workers serve me drinks lol) , smoked , smoked weed , done coke for years, experimented with LSD. not sure If im missing anything, weed, smoking cigs & coke turned into addictions but i managed to snap out of them with little to no effort , ive smoked cigs for over 20 years , which I stopped last year, much easier than I thought once you realize some simple truths, again mind over matter .. I wont go into it here ,but it simply is cause and effect.
Back to my story, fixed my back and some months later , i dont know wtf for i thought I wonder what its like ??? took the norc and , got emotional release & overtime began pushing myself to see how much I can tolerate, I discovered its pointless taking it continously throughout the day it doesnt get you any higher, I remember taking 10 10 325 in 4 hours, i know the APAP is too high in that period of time from my medical training once i had already taken it .... anyway began limiting myself to only 3 10 325 every day well actually twice a week which became everyday pretty quick , and since its pointless to chase the buzz throughout the day take it in the morning , until there was little to no effect with that and back up we go to 6-8 10 325 ,what a loser!!! , so I have coffee with it , it brings up the buzz, tried beer with it in the evening , that was pointless and dangerous, then tried smoking a cig with it , yeah that worked too, so started smoking again ... go me after quitting a 20 year habit , supplies run short go back and manipulate a decent doc, hiding my addiction from doc, from my wife (whose pills ive taken, she doesnt touch em, so i put tynelol pills in her case and took her norcs :-( ), and family, started counting pills and always running out early , established new sources , discovered oxys , not impressive at 1st, then here goes the pattern , sometimes taking 2 or 3 oxy 30 and 3 norc 10 325 at once.... I should add im such a selfish bas**** that i know when im commuting for work i start nodding at night , im going to either kill myself or end up killing someone else , i get that but i can control it right ??? Anyway up goes the dosage and the buzz still hasnt quite been as good as the 1st one taken, so ive not taken it for a month to lower my tolerance and then take a semi high dose and still not as good... ***** heres the thing I go a month without it ,there is no physical symptoms nothing people here have mentioned & described other than physically feeling stronger, with sleep who wants to sleep there life away anyway , it comes back pretty quick , i think if your looking for the symptoms you'll find them, but reading through Ive learned im not Immune & i have been suffering symptoms much much worse than the physical, its the mental symptoms everyday counting down days until i will take the next dose.... Not so smart after all am I, funny thing is the opiates symptoms have left my body long ago at that point , Im creating the mental symptoms not the opiates .... what a mug ..... and actually then makes it easier to fix ..... too easy ???
anyway Ive considered Opana, Fentanyl even Heroin (how do you got to considering heroin ??), i know i would never shoot a syringe in my arm, but when I found myself snorting oxy a few days ago after taking my daily dosage to get a better buzz.... I may just be starting to lose control while im high, how long before I take a dangerous level..... rock n roll life huh? die young.... wtf for, yeah anyway I decided today was my last day to get high, so I am & it is , will stop totally tomorrow, I know how it'll go if im not smug about it , i also know all it takes is the thought of taking the pills and ill reach for them, but not tomorrow I'm onto the scam here, I wont be smoking I know from my clear mind its filthy Ive had to teach my body to think it does something for me ... another f****n scam. Im not interested in tapering down (even though I have kept afew aside just incase ...lol ....) From my experience there is no logic in trying to quit a habit by using the same habit..... Ie If I was an alcoholic I wouldnt stop being an alcoholic by stopping vodka and replacing it with a beer ..... no sense in it... and im not gonna die by quitting this habit, I can take a bout of the runs or whatever, no one ever had food poinsoning?? i have and youknow what i dont remember s*** about it lol , but if I continue with it I know its a matter of time, I know me, and if I dont stop this year maybe the next that will be it ...
The insight Ive had through my addicitons experience which has made me so smug when i find myself in this s*** pit is the withdrawals , the withdrawal isnt taken away by taking another pill all taking another pill does is guarantee that the withdrawal will come back over & over , thats the scam !!!! that really is all there is.... everything else is background noise and brainwashing ..... it's an illusion and because you hear it, read it , watch it, doesnt make it true you choose to believe the rest is true .. I read some where on these forums by a recovering addict that these opiates are 10% physical and 90% psychological , deal with the 90% and you will fart the 10% out... if NA and meeting help you deal with that 90% go with it ... personally, i think Ive F'd up enough to get through it and this forums stories to keep my mind in check.
Anyone that is interested or curious in how this theory & method will go please check in with me, I am excited about tomorrow maybe because im high today... im kidding high or not, im not just arrogant im stubborn I will get control back, but not so smug that I belive it was as easy as its gonna be else ill end up back in this position , it wont be so easy the next time
Im thankful i came across this forum it planted the seed ... Everyone has to find the method that works for them , when I succesfully stop tomorrow thats it, im not labeled in recovery , Im basically done with it... none of this i wonder if ill be clean the rest of my life ... ummm how you going to know that until you've lived all your life ... no thanks lifes too short to carry that heavy burden ... so you either are or aren't no grey areas and tomorrow ... I WILL TAKE BACK CONTROL MY OWN LIFE
Thank you jifmoc!
C&E - like I said many here will relate to you and help you.. please keep us updated on how your doing..
C&E - like I said many here will relate to you and help you.. please keep us updated on how your doing..
Cause- you didn't disappoint anyone here. Good that you came back.
Why did you take them? Like duh (lol) you're an addict!! That's what we do. Doesn't matter if we want them or not. Willpower has nothing to do w/ it.
Many many of us had full lives while using. I used to hate it when people would tell me it gets worse. Ugh. They were right, though.
I know you want off this merry-go-round. When you cannot stand it one more second you will be ready. I hope that comes soon.
Real180- Kick arse post as usual!
Why did you take them? Like duh (lol) you're an addict!! That's what we do. Doesn't matter if we want them or not. Willpower has nothing to do w/ it.
Many many of us had full lives while using. I used to hate it when people would tell me it gets worse. Ugh. They were right, though.
I know you want off this merry-go-round. When you cannot stand it one more second you will be ready. I hope that comes soon.
Real180- Kick arse post as usual!
Hello C&E.. Great honest posts about your thoughts and feelings and your efforts to get clean.. Your obviously motivated to end your addiction to pills and that's a big first step! I also love how you chronicled the progression in your first post and how your addict brain has taken you to the very scary and deadly crossroads of H.. Man, it's crazy where the road of addiction will take us! I'm glad you realized that your brain is in a dangerous place now and its time to stop! The only thing I can suggest to you is that you have to be in a place with your mind, body and soul that wants to stop more than anything else on earth -- to be honest and frank anything less than the latter will not cut it. Being an athlete like myself you can relate to this ultimate desire of wanting to succeed and win at all costs while putting your mind and body through hell to reach your goal. This is where your mindset needs to be. Stopping for a month so your tolerance will go down is nothing like stopping for the long haul.. You need to dump your stash, cut your sources and end being a slave to these pills once and for all.. This is the last piece of the puzzle you need to fit in and you will be on your way...meaning you have to be honest with yourself and ask the question "are you TRUELY ready to stop"? There is no jinxing this, it's not a random decision based on luck but in fact it's a decision that will give you the ability to control your life again. I've been where you are and I know the what the struggle is like, most on here are or have been exactly where you are. I can't even count how many times I said I was going to "quit tomorrow" (probably everyday for the last 5yrs of my using) or how my addict brain would convince me that if I didn't use for a week or a month that I wasn't TRUELY addicted or the other million excuses, scams and manipulations my addict brain would come up with to continue the s-h-i-t show of my addiction. It wasn't until I was 100% honest with myself that I was able to get clean. So, my friend you know what needs to be done to get this done now you just have to do it! Don't worry about aftercare now, just keep an open mind to it.. Other than that just focus on what it's going to take for you to dump your stash, cut your sources and get clean the rest will take care of itself. I wish you all the best in your efforts.. Keep posting as there are many people on here who will help you get through this.
When your sober you choose not use and having that choice is liberating and that is what living is! You had it before now go get it again!
When your sober you choose not use and having that choice is liberating and that is what living is! You had it before now go get it again!
Thank You All for taking the time to read my story, reading back through it I see my eratic thought process.
Krissy: you're right I am here for that reason and thank you for the empathy
Ready: I have never written on a forum ever, or even discussed by dark past, Im very independent and stubborn, you never see me ask for help ever, in a sense your all total strangers , yet in a moment you knw more about me than people that have known me from birth
Jif: I am about to disappoint you infact anyone that has read my post
Helpless: I get a feeling im really going to need this forum
I really dont expect anyone to reply or post , my intentions were just to put my thoughts down as point of reference and try and make some sense with whats going on with me and devise a plan, but I am humbled by the responses
I had to cut some of my post out yesterday, I am athletic, i work out 6 days a week, am very busy and successful at work and have many people rely on my decisions and strength for their livelihoods, I have always been like that and have never shown any one weakness, cant show emotions and dont , not to say when we experienced emotional trauma probably a trigger with this habit, I did cry but in private.... what a B**** huh? I do have pain that has been masked, both shoulder, torn bicep tendon, and lower back on a cyclic basis, i know these pill just numb it so i can be normal and not cure it, they work, when the pain becomes extreme i wont take the pills, spoils the buzz, but instead seek homeopathic treatment.
Anyway got back from working out a little while back and felt good, (Jifmoc) I hear you , i know my stash was there , I felt nothing physical or mental, focused on my work and I created a distraction by thinking , hey ill take some so I can remove the distraction and get on with work, and you know what I TOOK THEM :( I took 3 10 325 , had my coffee and had a cig :( Did I need it ? No , Was I hurting anywhere ? No then Why TF??? Not sure what to say ... I know I am more than capable as I know myself and have always had an Issue with authority moreso , anyone trying to be controlling, thats why I own my own business , I call the Shots ... So Im physically Strong & Mentally Strong , but damn I dunno whats going on here .... I will try again and will keep trying if I do it will increase my chance of success, I dont believe in failing only learning from mistakes and not allowing valuable mistakes go to waste, I will succeed .... I will stay on this forum, I will keep posting my thoughts until I get over this ...
Sorry for letting anyone down , Im not sure if I came across coherent yesterday , but NA and any means which help anyone trying should be explored , the more methods you use the higher the chance of success , it is like finding a solution to a puzzle , only this puzzle is your life and that of people affected that care about you...
I am not going to say I'll stop tomorrow I may jinx it again , but I will say I will keep trying not waiting for a date , but immediately and rewire my brain and thoughts
Krissy: you're right I am here for that reason and thank you for the empathy
Ready: I have never written on a forum ever, or even discussed by dark past, Im very independent and stubborn, you never see me ask for help ever, in a sense your all total strangers , yet in a moment you knw more about me than people that have known me from birth
Jif: I am about to disappoint you infact anyone that has read my post
Helpless: I get a feeling im really going to need this forum
I really dont expect anyone to reply or post , my intentions were just to put my thoughts down as point of reference and try and make some sense with whats going on with me and devise a plan, but I am humbled by the responses
I had to cut some of my post out yesterday, I am athletic, i work out 6 days a week, am very busy and successful at work and have many people rely on my decisions and strength for their livelihoods, I have always been like that and have never shown any one weakness, cant show emotions and dont , not to say when we experienced emotional trauma probably a trigger with this habit, I did cry but in private.... what a B**** huh? I do have pain that has been masked, both shoulder, torn bicep tendon, and lower back on a cyclic basis, i know these pill just numb it so i can be normal and not cure it, they work, when the pain becomes extreme i wont take the pills, spoils the buzz, but instead seek homeopathic treatment.
Anyway got back from working out a little while back and felt good, (Jifmoc) I hear you , i know my stash was there , I felt nothing physical or mental, focused on my work and I created a distraction by thinking , hey ill take some so I can remove the distraction and get on with work, and you know what I TOOK THEM :( I took 3 10 325 , had my coffee and had a cig :( Did I need it ? No , Was I hurting anywhere ? No then Why TF??? Not sure what to say ... I know I am more than capable as I know myself and have always had an Issue with authority moreso , anyone trying to be controlling, thats why I own my own business , I call the Shots ... So Im physically Strong & Mentally Strong , but damn I dunno whats going on here .... I will try again and will keep trying if I do it will increase my chance of success, I dont believe in failing only learning from mistakes and not allowing valuable mistakes go to waste, I will succeed .... I will stay on this forum, I will keep posting my thoughts until I get over this ...
Sorry for letting anyone down , Im not sure if I came across coherent yesterday , but NA and any means which help anyone trying should be explored , the more methods you use the higher the chance of success , it is like finding a solution to a puzzle , only this puzzle is your life and that of people affected that care about you...
I am not going to say I'll stop tomorrow I may jinx it again , but I will say I will keep trying not waiting for a date , but immediately and rewire my brain and thoughts
Your story is so familiar, you might have been telling mine! I found this site 2 days into w/d. The people here are supportive and know all the dumb s*** we all did to support our addiction. Just know, we'll give you all the support you need. Cause we've been there and done that. It's what most addicts do. Good luck and let us know how it's going!
Hi, if you didn't write that you were high now, I think we would know anyway. That's the addict brain: "I'm gonna tackle this addiction.... TOMORROW!!!" It would be awesome if you can come back in the morning when you aren't high so you can really absorb this.
We can't stay clean if we have access to drugs. If you're serious, you need to remove your stash. And any access to more. Although this forum is great, it's not enough. If it was, we would only need computers to STAY clean. We need face to face contact w/ other addicts.
I really hope you stick around. There is a lot of wisdom on this forum.
We can't stay clean if we have access to drugs. If you're serious, you need to remove your stash. And any access to more. Although this forum is great, it's not enough. If it was, we would only need computers to STAY clean. We need face to face contact w/ other addicts.
I really hope you stick around. There is a lot of wisdom on this forum.
Dude. I'm proud of you for coming out with thAt history. Honestly I feel like you haven't ever wrote it out before. It takes a lot of courage. Believe it or not we are the "lucky/fortunate" ones. We are wise enough to atlas make the decision. Think about how many never get to our paths. Most end up in prison or dead. Jails/institutions/Death are 3 results of continuing to use. You're right bro..let's take it back! Our life that is ;)
First off you're not a loser,you're an addict!! There are hundreds of maybe thousands of stories just like yours on this forum. We are addicts,yes we do dumb sh!t,yes we steal and we lie...BUT,you can fix it. You don't want to die,and you don't want to hurt anyone or you wouldn't be here right? You do want to quit,or again you wouldn't be here if you didn't. Stock up on immodium,get some Gatorade,water Popsicles. Whatever you can keep down. Get some funny movies,because you won't sleep at night and don't try to force it you'll just get aggravated. Epsom salts in hot baths and stick close to this site. We are all here for each other and I'm glad you found us when you did!!
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