This time is for good.

[joycake]

I know, I know... I'd be rolling my eyes too, if I were in your shoes. I'm really ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I relapsed again, and was scared to post anything, but I'm far more afraid to try to hack it on my own. So, even though everyone's tired of hearing it, here I go, time to detox!
I really do mean it. I'm so sick of living the life... not only of being a heroin addict, but of thinking "today's going to be the day!" and letting myself down, over and over. What have I done differently this time: I broke the tips off all the needles that I had and threw them away, flushed the rest of the H that I had just bought today down the toilet, asked my boyfriend to hold on to my debit card (my only way of getting cash) until Saturday. There are a lot of other aftercare steps I'm going to take, but these are the things that stand out that are very different this time.
Right now I'm not feeling anything but loads of relief, for having committed to this decision. Tomorrow will no doubt be different, but I am prepared for that. I'm so grateful and lucky that I don't have to detox in a jail cell. I know I'm going to feel trapped and bored and limited, because H will be the only thing that I want, but I have to remind myself how much freedom and luxury I have. Life is precious, and I'm ready to stop poisoning and numbing myself.

[nursegirl6572]

You have to do something different to stop the madness sweetie.  You're not even getting out of the gate.  If you choose to use suboxone as a tool in your recovery, doing it on your own is just more self medicating.  You need to get some help to do this.  Like sarah said, you've already tried enough on your own.

Time for some big changes and some action, or I fear you will just continue the same cycle.  

Best to you.

[VICourageous]

When I first came to this site I was against the Sub program..I came off of a Long ride on Methadone for pain issues. NOW I look at it a bit different..In a case of some one relapsing over and over again it might not be a bad idea to go to a Addiction Dr. who can prescribe this and keep you on track. Most will have you go to the meetings and show them a signed piece of paper. They will also sometimes drug test you to make sure you are not mixing this med. You have to have so much time before you can take it or it will throw you into precipitated w/ds..I took it so wrong and for 3-4 days and got really sick. I did not want anything that was not natural.. It just made it 4 meds I was w/ding from. They also have the Subutex..Sometimes I think back and I might have done it different with this Med..BUT I have a Year and a Half or so in and I made it..It is the Aftercare that takes all the work..Staying clean and not running to a drug is not easy for long time users or so on. I wish you the Best and at least try a Meeting right now. You will not be alone in them rooms with this situation..Others have been right where you are. Give it a try.
Bless

[jayeye]

i did 2 bundles on saturday did a little extra to say good bye you know.......by the time i woke up on sunday i was already feeling crappy starting with the sweats.....i took 4mg of sub....i could have used more cuz i still was feeling bad but i really dont like to go any higher than 4mg and it was a sunday so i had no problem laying in bed all day with slight wd.......monday i took 2mg, tues 2mgs.....got high on Wend and i felt like **** about it.....now im down less than 1mg its holding me fine....dont fee 100% but i feel good enough id say like 75-80% normal which is fine for me.....im thinking of seeing how i feel if i jump of this weekend but im scared that since i fed up on wed ill be super sick but only way to know is if i try

i was actually just looking at the NA site right now.......theres a few tonight im slowly building the courage to go to one by myself it always easier to go with a friend....at least for me anyway i have anxiety isssues as it is

[joycake]

I plan to take sub for 10 days or less, just to help me through the withdrawal. How much did you take, the first few days? (mg.) Tell me about your experience with the W/Ds?
Are you going to a meeting today?

[jayeye]

how long has this back and forth been going on?

[jayeye]

i know where your coming from i was on subs for 5 months than went back to dope.....you need to really want or it will nvr work....and i really want it.......im sick of wearing long sleeves looking like a weirdo.....its getting warmer soon i cant keep this up....everybody knows......its just time to stop....whats you sub plan?  im gonna hit meetings this time which is something i didnt do last time.

ive been taking subs for 5 days now low does down to less than 1mg plan on seeing how i feel if i dont take any this weekend.....but if theres a chance for me to be social and im feeling like crap i think taking a lil piece and having some good old fashion fun would be better for my mind set

[dominosarah]

You have to STOP trying to do this on your own.........

[VICourageous]

Joy..Maybe it is time to look into a Rehab. You also should be talking to a specialist. Sometimes the past is the past and the "WHYS" on why we use or use can be just that..WHY!!! It does take outside Support..We can not do it alone. Life will not always be peaches and cream and if we are used to running and hiding under a Substance, then we Do need all the Help we can get..This is a Life Long Process. It does not just go away..Look deeper into your Soul and find out what is missing..I wish you the Best..Keep trying and never give up..Hit that MEETING NOW!!!!
Bless

[joycake]

Nope, not since last night. Planning to take some suboxone this evening.

[jayeye]

are you using now

[joycake]

I relapsed again, despite my best efforts that day... nothing I can do but try, try again.

[gnarly_1]

Hey  good to see your back to take on your addiction I agree with IBC you need to get to a meeting they will welcome you with a hug and you will be around people that know what its like I will be up late tonight so I will check on you the first 4 or 5 days are the worst of it but many fsil because they dont use after care N/A is free and the program works if you work it keep posting for support..........Gnarly...

[jayeye]

dirty it is so true.....i really believe my best bet at staying clean is removing myself from ny.....i have a job offer already lined up in florida so i have that as an option but i want be free of the drugs first.

i cant wait to wake up with the fleeing you now have every morning....its so sad that during our time using we have could careless that we are scaring our bodies for life.

IB you are right enough talk time for action......i can say im going to do something till im blue in the face but till i act on it its nothing but empty promises......im tired of letting everybody down including myself.....i know i shouldn't be worrying about this right now but one of my biggest fears is getting clean with family support and relapsing again..........i just started gaining the trust of my family again and than i have to go dnace with the devil silly me

[IBKleen]

ABN is so right. the more you relapse the greater the chances for overdosing. It a roll of the dice and so many people come up with craps.

You talk of aftercare but I don't see you doing it. It HAS GOT TO BE #1 right now. You need to make those changes and you need to make them now. No tomorrow..you only have today. Please get the help that you need.

[dirtydirk]

birds of a feather flock together jayeye, with many failed attemps of getting clean i sadly had to remove myself from the STATE i was living in for the time beiing  and im now 46 days clean believe it or not, waking up not having to put a needle in my arm is a amazing feeling  all i got 2 show for those times is a track now  UGLY as it is

[dirtydirk]

Somewhere along the way, you stop and realize the trials and tribulations you've experienced. Every heartache you've felt. Every person that let you down. You've suffered so much to the point of giving up and surrendering any hope of ever trusting anyone. But you know what? You're ok. You managed to get yourself out of bed every morning and go to work, to just live through the day. Be proud of yourself, for taking a beating and getting kicked while on the ground. Because the most important thing is, you've dusted yourself and you're back on your feet. And when you think back to the most toughest event of your life, you could say to yourself I've managed to live through that

[jayeye]

and thans domino you were always a big help even when i was here the first time around back in 2010....glad your still on the site

[jayeye]

i truly believe this is why i failed last time and ended up relapsing......kept the same friends thinking i had the will power....but in reality you can be strong 99.9999% of the time and i was....but alls it takes is that .00001% when you let your guard down and thats all we addicts need to start the cycle all over again.

this time im going to need help.....i have a friend that is trying to quit and wants to start going to meetings we are probably going to start going tonight....i also need to change my habits.....gym exercise hiking ect instead of getting high.

im thinking about relocating as well once im well....kinda starting over....wipe the slate clean.....think that would be good for me....i have to many connections here and to many memories  

[dominosarah]

Great post ABN~

joy and jayeye.......You both are so worth fighting for.  Part of the recovery process is changing our playmates and our playground.  Surround yourselves with healthy clean people.  There is no happy ending to this addiction.  Set yourself up for success~

[ActingBrandNew]

I dont think anybody is rolling there eyes over here. Matter of fact...I'm sure everyone is happy your still alive!

The most dangerous think for a heroin addict is chronic relapsing. Most heroin overdoses come from addicts being clean and then relapsing and overdosing. They think that there tolerance is the same when its not and do too much and die.

Were just glad your alive and am praying this time you get it.

[jayeye]

joy as a heroin addict myself i totally know how hard it is.........it started with pills many moons ago i quit them and relapsed two years later....that led to me hitting the needle.....ive been on subs for the last 4 days but at a low dose....i dont think subs are gonna work for me.....i think cold turkey is the better way to go.....i feel like subs are just a crutch to lean on makes it to easy to go back and forth.

i want off this ride so so bad....im so scared so much more than last time maybe its cuz i know how hard it is i dont really know

i fcked up this morning and got something on my way to work so now im back to square one....i hate this drug (but love it obvi)  i just want to not need anything to feel good and be able to get out of bed without shooting up....to be able to save money go on vacation and not worry about how much dope i need to bring with me....i just want to be normal

[kellygirll]

joy i to was thinking of you yesterday i was worried about you thinking you relapsed as i myself have many times on here and i to am back today is my first morning clean I'm so glad to see you trying again hey thats all we can do is keep trying and one of these times IT WILL STICK and we will get clean jethro 733 said something very good "how bout giving up the sorrow instead" i really like that we can do this girl I'm pulling for you girl!!!!!!!!  best of luck to you on this journey

[jethro733]

You know, it's very difficult to give up a drug (anything at all really).  Pointing out the obvious no?  How about giving up the sorrow instead?  All experience will bring sorrow when it is withdrawn.  Give up the unnecessary sorrow and spend your energy in necessary experiences of life i.e your relationship with your self, and the other self's around you.  It can seem like a long way home when you're down the rabbit hole.  It's a good place to start from :)

[Amandag78]

Hey there Joy. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Its been a very big struggle for you and no one understands the way we do.
Your always trying to overcome this obsticle in your life, but you keep coming back and trying and thats what matters.
I would be really upset if you felt you couldnt post because of another relapse.
Nobody has the right to judge you but you.
Never give up and always keep trying. You really will succeed one day. I know you will xx