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Avatar universal

Time to take the plunge..

Well I took my last quarter sub this morning and by tonight should really start feeling the wds. I've got my brother coming up tommorow to help with the kids so I'm verrrry relieved about that. I tried a couple weeks ago to go ct but having no help with my young ones made it pretty impossible. Glad and very grateful that I finally got help lined up. Since then I've been taking very small amounts of sub, hardly enough to keep me out of full blown wds so I'm hoping the two weeks I've spent feeling crappy pay off in that I won't get hit too bad but no matter what wds throw at me I'm feeling ok about it because I have help coming.

On one hand I'm nervous and even a bit scared but really I just wanna get this over with!!! I am going to do as many meetings as I can once I get through detox. I might even join AA because in my area there are far more AA meetings and I really could do 90 in 90. NA around here doesn't have that many meetings so at best I could only do 3 maybe 4 a week. I want to do 90 in 90 or very close to it because I know in my heart I'll NEED to. I've gotten through the worst wds imaginable before but like so many others it's the depression and anxiety that got me both other times I quit. I didn't seek aftercare those times and I hope by really throwing myself head first into recovery that will be what makes the difference this time. I have to face the issues that led me to self medicate and although it's going to be very painful and very uncomfortable I know it's neccessary to face those demons and get rid of them so they can't keep hurting me. I've carried around incredible pain inside for far too long and I have never learned how to truly let go of the past. Hopefully recovery will help me do just that. Because living the way I have is not an option anymore. I've lost enough to the stupid pills, almost lost my life too and enough is enough. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and I'm willing to do what it takes to stay clean. I'm not kidding myself though, I know this is going to be very very hard. I'm glad to have you guys here because it will make the coming days, weeks, months etc easier to get through knowing there are people here I can talk to who know exactly what it's like to get off opiates. That's very reassuring. So here goes..
63 Responses
Avatar universal
HI .....im so happy for you your finely going to get this done im so happy you brother is going to be ther for the kids....first thing first....try not to let fear into the equation its always worst in our minds then it turns out to be....now with sub in the picture it hard to say just what your withdrawals will be like....I dont think you been on the sub long enough to get hooked on it and it should have helped offset the oxy withdrawals more then likely it will probably be mild with sleep issues and the energy crash but like you said its more the depresion and mental mindscrew that brings you down......Im so happy to here your going to do aftercare I know for me it has made all the difference in the world  I will pray your withdrawal will be mild
hang in there and keep posting for suport and keep us up to date on how this is going for you good luck and God bless.....Gnarly  
Avatar universal
Thank you gnarly, yes I learned the very hard way that I cannot do this alone. I'm going to have to get out of my comfort zone (I'm an introvert by nature) and force myself to meetings even when I feel like being alone. I heard in NA "An addict alone is in bad company" So true. I can talk myself into all kinds of nonsense when I get too "into my head". But getting out and talking to people helps so much and keeps me from getting carried away with my own stupid thinking. Plus after being so isolated for so long, I'm looking forward to really getting out there and making new clean friends and working on my recovery. The rls is already starting! I think *knowing* this is "it" is making the wds come on a little faster then usual. I usually don't start feeling that til a few hours later. I already took 3 Hylands restful legs stuff and will have a big banana shake pretty soon lol. The rls is a horrible feeling but I know it's just part of the process. I can't wait for the day it's gone for good. Then I will know I am done with the physical stuff..and brace myself for the mental.. Praying that God gets me on the right road and I'm strong enough this time to stay there.
Avatar universal
HI.....YOU CAN DO THIS   just remember you just got to be ok without being ok for a wile the symptoms are only temporary  I had to eat the higlands stuff every hr for it to work
hang in there you will make it threw this time for a hot soak......Gnarly
1198664 tn?1368651412
OK....LETS DO THIS!!!!!!!
Avatar universal
:) I'm all in B2M. It's time. Feeling queasy but in a better place mentally then last time . Has a lot to do with knowing my brother will be here to help with the kids. Sets my ever anxious mind at ease a lot. Glad to be finally getting this over with!!
Avatar universal
Make sure your brother pushes you to get up and try to exercise some. I'm on day 9 and almost at 100%. I run  about 3 miles everyday and virtually had zero issues besides sleep. Go get some muscle milk at 7-11 its loaded with proteins, vitamins and minerals. Its the best thing since sliced bread. Good luck to you. Your in my prayers

C

Avatar universal
Congrats on 9 days! That's great, I'll have to look into the muscle milk..haven't heard of that before. I do drink those protien shakes though, heard good stuff about them and figured it couldn't hurt to try. I actually really love the chocolate ones. And I'll try to excercise some. I know it helps it;s just getting the motivation to do it. I think I'll try and start slow, maybe a 10 minute walk and build up from there. I also have a gym membership I haven't been using that much. In the days following detox I'm going to go much more then I do now. Try and get those endorphins pumping again.
Avatar universal
Muscle milk lite in vanilla creme..my favorite and 15 grams of protein and only 100 calories..or if you want the calories you can get the regular brand..my body craves this everyday.

Tired, you can do this and it will be over with before you know it.  I will be praying and thinking of you.  hugs! lyn
Avatar universal
PS> Tired, do you mind telling me when you took your last oxy and what was the amount?  Then how many days did you take sub and what amount?  I am thinking the oxy should be out of your system but I am not sure since my doc was lortab.  

To anyone, how long does it take oxy to get out of your system?  I know the withdrawal's are harder but isn't it the same amount of time?
Avatar universal
Thank you Lyn,

I really feel like I've got my ducks in a row this time and now it's just a matter of riding out the storm and not using no matter what. Just have to try and be positive which is so hard when those bad wds hit but I'm going to try.. Having you guys here to help pull me through means so much.
Avatar universal
I was taking 160 mgs of oxy a day until about 2 wks ago. From there I switched to sub. A quarter a day which didn't even stop the wds, just made them more bearable. And so the oxy is long gone but I know sub is a strange drug and although I've only used a small amount for a short time I know I'll feel some wds but hopefully not full blown horrible wds I got from quitting oxy ct. But I know to expect the worst and hope for the best. There are some who come off sub with little in the way of wds then those who taper down to crumbs and still endure terrible wds. Not sure what the next week holds in store for me. It's the uncertainty that has me on edge, just not knowing how bad it will get. But no matter what I have to hang on. I can't live like this anymore and I've got to do this.
Avatar universal
Ok, I feel better for you knowing that it's been 2 weeks since the oxy.  Then 2mg per day of sub for two weeks...it has got to be better than withdrawing from that high amount of oxy.  I hope so.  Regardless, like you said, you are doing it no matter what.  

You know, I remember when my back first started hurting and I went to the ortho dr. 10 years ago for the first time, in the room he saw me in were 3 or 4 posters of the spine and they were all from the drug company promoting oxycontin.  I even remember asking the dr. if it was a good drug to take for my back and he said yes and that it was supposed to be not as addicting as some of the others!  I almost had him write me a prescription for those!  But, because a friend had let me try her 10mg lortabs and they worked, I asked for those and thank God for that.  I have never even tried and OC.  I have tried roxy and percocet though.  Anyhow, just rambling here.  I really hate how so many people are getting trapped on all of these pills and have no clue where it ends up eventually.

1198664 tn?1368651412
The muscle milk is probably a good idea. I could not eat anything for like 3-4 days. Could barely drink. It was very hard for me. I tried but could not. My wife got me some protien bars and I just shoved one in on day 4 I think. All I could do. But BOY am I making up for it now! Eating like a horse. AnywAy that was like 33 days ago :). Stay strong and stay pizzed off. It worked for me. Pretty soon it will all be over and you will have your old self back. If I can do it you can!!
Avatar universal
I know Faith, it's unreal how a drug that was meant to take pain away can cause much more horrible pain then the original pain they were prescribed for. The pain of my addiction far far overshadows my back pain. My back pain really ***** but I would have taken that kind of pain then the mind altering, life shattering pain of addiction to oxy. I really didn't know what I was getting myself into. The thought that I could end up where I am now never crossed my mind. I trusted the doctor and thought he would be helping me by giving me oxycontin. Never imagined in my wildest dreams it would lead to a two year battle with addiction and losing almost everything. But what's done is done and I will beat this! I have to, I have two little angels that need for me to win this battle.

Back2me Eating isn't going to be easy but Ill try and at least force some soup or something into me. I like those protien shakes so hopefully I'll still like them tommorow when it really hits. I'm already feeling blah and the rls thing is going on and I've taken about 6 Hylands restful legs stuff. Gnarly's right though, they really don't last long and I'll probably have to take them around the clock! As long as it relieves a bit of that I'm more then happy to take them all day long if need be. I'm determined to do this and have my meeting list on my fridge so when the wds let up I;m going to go to a ton of meetings. I know my crazy mind too well and I'll need lots of support especially in the immediate future. I want this so bad but I wish that voice of doubt would just shut up.  I know it;s my addiction trying to stay alive but helll no! No more, it ends today. Now I just need to brace myself and try to get through this a minute at a time if I have to.  
1198664 tn?1368651412
Just get through this first awful part first. One step at a time. It sounds like you have some good after support lined up. I do not yet. Just my determination never to go through this again. It's going to be key to making it long term. For me I have had a few scares but for the most part I have really just not felt good enough to relapse yet. That make any sense?  I guess while I am feeling crappy I cam keep telling myself SEE THIS IS WHERE IT GETS YOU DUMMIE!! But it's when I start feeling good is when I think I am strong enough to handle it. So no real problems yet, although a close shave or 2. Tomorrow I have to start another chapter of recovery. I have not been taking care of myself enough. My food intake has been horrible. I have trades one ba habbit for another. And I know it's my brain seeking pleasure still so you go from drugs to sex and food. Sex part is good but I am just eating WRONG. Way too much and just garbage. Fast food, pizza, you name it. And in large quantities. And with ZERO excersize lately. So tomorrow I am going to stop the insanity. Less food, more GOOD food and I am forcing myself to start walking no matter how cold it is outside. If I would have done this since two weeks ago I would probably be great by now. But just keep going tomorrow will be day one in the books!
Avatar universal
HI....I alway try and write one of these to everyone just starting out I truly hope you dont read it till morning but I know all to well just how hard sleep can be to come by  if its 3am and your up shaking in withdrawals let this encourage you to keep up the good fight I detoxed from methadone I was literly up for 2 mo I thought I would go crazy with oxy your looking at a couple of weeks of sleeping problems just know it gets better as you go along keep feeding yourself the highlands restful legs I took some every hr but it worked I still had some twitching but it was better then kicking.....your going to do fine you have all your ducks in a row you got time to do this and soon you wont be chained to a pill bottle anymore good luck and God bless I will be praying for your success.....Gnarly  
Avatar universal
B2M Yes, cramming junk food and not excercising and not getting aftercare sounds like a recipe for disaster to me... I can completely understand when you say that you haven't felt good enough to relapse. It's when we feel good that little lying sob in our heads tells us it's ok to have just one..yeah my one turned into thousands over the last year!! One's too many...you know the saying. Get into some aftercare, seriously give it a shot. Both times I didn't and I believe if I had I might be celebrating clean time. Not sitting here feeling like crap going through this **** again. Aftercare at the very least would have put the odds in my favour. Please give it a shot. Abstinence and recovery are two different things..

Gnarly, Your awesome dude!! I did read your post at about 5:45 this morning when wds woke me up and insisted I go take my sub...see I've taken just a quarter sub a day so my bodys used to suffering--but just til morning. Then it wants it's little quarter sub. This morning I'm pacing and staring at the lockbox that used to house my little friends. I think I'm going to go take the box outside and run that damn box over! Better then it taunting me right now. I feel the wds kicking in and feel anxious. Like my body saying "Well what are you waiting for TAKE IT ALREADY!!" It's not pleased with my dilly dallying and wait til it finds out there is no more. The ***** gonna hit the fan. I can feel it. I had hoped I'd walk away relatively unscathed by wds but nope, they're kicking in. All I can hope for is that the intensity of them is less then jumping from high oxy use but sub is a powerful drug. Thank goodness I didn't stay on them too long. That might be my saving grace..we'll see. Well I'm going to hop in the tub. Eating hylands like candy today and it's barely working. But I'll take some relief over none at all from the creepy crawly legs crap. Then I'm running that damned box over so it stops calling me with nothing in it! I even opened it a few times. Not sure why..I know there;s nothing in there. Its not like one's gonna magically appear in there. Ah the mindscrew of addiction, just insane isn't it?
1198664 tn?1368651412
I have repllapsed SEVERAL times and it's weird i never got that crawly legs thing that everyone on here talks about. I mean i was super restless and flopping around from discomfort but never that leg stuff. Man I woke up this morning like why even bother. Our fInancial situation is a complete disaster, I won't burden you with it now but honestly it really really bad. So the temptation to use right now is very very strong. But I won't. For some reason I wont. Not that I could sustain a habit for long now anyway, unless I sold my sexy self on the corner or something lol. I'm lucky right now to support my #8 Taco Bell habit at $3.85 a pop! (with a baja blast...mmmm). But there are many reasons right now. I really am planning on moving to Florida ASAP. Just going to go down there and find jobs. Dont plan on finding great jobs right off the bat but something to live on in the meanwhile. I just have ZERO motivation to do it where I am at right now. And If I stay here  just going to rot from the inside out. And I can't be doing pills and planning a move and new job. So that is keeping me grounded as well. But i will be going to meetings soon I think. Last time i relapsed i had a therapist and it did NO good for me. And the one meeting I did go to this time was a little helpful but really not to be mean I just didn't feel like I wanted to be around anyone there. I guess there was this one guy that I was kind of moved by his situation but other than that I'm not sure. It was like people that I would never hang out with ever. That probably sounds arrogant but I'm just being honest.
Anyway we will all be checking to see how you are doing. I know I am speaking for people on here but I don't think they would mind. They are very caring and supportive. They really helped get me through my worse time. You did to. So now it's time to do my part in return. Just KNOW that you are in for some hell. And be ready or it. Imagine its going to be the worse possible hell ever, then if it's not, you are ahead of the game mentally. That's what I did.You are on to day two! Give it hell!
Avatar universal
Hey you. It wasn't that long ago that I could BARELY eat a banana here and there, and SOME crackers and apple juice. Now I'm eating full blow meals. Day 22 today and I am so physically exhausted at work. I'd love to pop a quick pill to take away the lingering (medium level at the moment) pain and also get the quick pick me up from it, but I won't.

I know I'm a rookie, but one thing that occurred to me is dwelling or assessing. Try not to think about just how much you were taking two weeks ago and so on. It will put pressure on your mind to tell you you're too weak to "get off that much this fast," or that "you'll be sicker than you can bear," etc. In other words, compare when it's helpful, but when you can't really benefit from it, don't. Look at me, my 13 months on oxy was no more than 60mgs a day at it's highest, but averaged "only" 45mgs a day, and IT'S STILL hell physically and mentally. BUT what I'm saying is just because you did more that your hell HAS to be worse than mine. It won't be worse or better, it will just be yours, and GOD WILL get you through it. He already is.

Anyway, one hour at a time. You are cared for and prayed for. I'll check back on you soon. My students are silent reading, but I need to wake up somehow and teach! I'm already on thin ice as a first year teacher with all the pressure on teachers these days to produce. :) Read 2 Corinthians chapter 4 if you have a bible. Very encouraging, especially in the middle and toward the end. "We are crushed on every side, but not defeated. Cast down, but not destroyed!"
Avatar universal
Thank you so much for your support guys. And B2M I know all about financial disaster. My low point came a few days ago when I had to return one of my Christmas presents to Walmart so I could buy the basics..milk, eggs etc. It ***** bad but I know that eventually things will get better but trying to survive lately has been a challenge. You have a lot on your plate and the only way to climb out of the mess is to do it straight. Pills won't solve a damn thing and the problems would still be there plus the added burden of knowing you have to go through this hell again. No, pills aren't an option for any of us anymore. They brought us to our knees but we're going to emerge and change our lives for the good in ways we never dreamed. I really believe that.

Hiskidd, thank you so much. I read and re-read that last line--cast down..oh yes..but NOT destroyed. No, not destroyed. Thank God for that..He knows how close I am to that but I am going to get my life together again. We will all get through this crap together and we will do it a day or even a minute at a time. Right now I'm taking it by the second. I can't sit still and I feel awful but I know it won't last forever. Hard to remember that sometimes though. Everyone can say "It will get better" but those moments that are all consuming it's hard to keep it in perspective, I'm trying though..

Going to take a tub. I'm already getting the sweats and I smell! uggh. The smell of withdrawl is sooo gross. Check in wirth you later and again THANK YOU!!
Avatar universal
"And I will restore you to the years that the locust hath eaten"

The locust for me (oxy addiction) had a bloody field day eating up all I had but God's promise is he will help to RESTORE me. I am not a lost cause, I will emerge maybe somewhat battered and beaten down from my addiction but emerge nonetheless. And when I do get through this battle with the devil I'll not look back. That old devil will try hard to hold onto me, he'll be sly and relentless in dragging me back down no doubt but he's no match for God. And with God on my side I'm gonna win. We all are!!

http://www.tscpulpitseries.org/english/1990s/ts900326.html
I found this page purely by accident when I wanted to find out what verse it was and and it was weird, several paragraphs down this jumped out at me:

"These destructive evil spirits are well governed and march on without breaking rank. And no matter how many times the sinner tries to resist, this army keeps coming!

Anyone who once was bound by a satanic habit knows this. Your home - once like a garden, full of peace and love - soon was devoured and left a desert! You tried to stop the attack but, like powerful horsemen, they leaped on you and were too strong for you to resist!

One satanic worm after another devoured your life: "That which the palmerworm hath left hath the locust eaten; and that which the locust hath left hath the cankerworm eaten; and that which the cankerworm hath left hath the caterpillar eaten" (Joel 1:4). Every crack vial, coke bag, and heroin needle (OR PILL!) was a locust, a cankerworm.

Isn't that what happened? Satan had his teeth clamped on you," whose teeth are the teeth of a lion" (Joel 1:6). He caused waste, ruin, mourning. "The field is wasted, the land mourneth; for the corn is wasted: the new wine is dried up." Everything in your life withered away! "The vine is dried up and the fig tree languisheth... even all the trees of the field are withered... joy is withered away" (Joel 1:10, 12).

But the good news is GOD can and will restore all that we lost if we turn our lives and our will over to him. I feel optimistic, like this was a sign telling me not to give up, that although I am weak, God is not and he'll look out for me and anyone else battling addiction and break the hold that devil has on us.  Just believe in Him.



Avatar universal
Wow the wds are just kicking my sorry butt now. In the last hour the RLS has kicked in like crazy and no amount of hylands is helping!! I just want to chop my legs OFF at the moment. And the hot and cold stuff - I'm sweating like crazy one minute and freezing to death the next.. ok ok I know it will pass but uggggghhh

Trying to keep it in mind that this will pass and it's just my body letting me know it's pizzed at me for abusing it but man, two hours ago I was like ok not so bad and bam it hit me! The bathtub does bring relief but the minute I jump out it starts again. I might be spending A LOT of time in the tub for the next few days. On the bright side my brother is due to show up anytime now so hopefully him being here will help distract me from what I'm feeling right now. I have to go get my kids from preschool soon and am going to try and put some makeup on and look relatively human. This really ***** but I'm hanging in there.

Ok I should know this but how long does the really bad stuff last for? 3 days? 4 days? Jumping from high dose of oc last time it was SEVEN days of nonstop hell but I hope I get away with having just 3 or 4 days this time because I did the quarter sub a day as opposed to jumping from a ridiculously high dose of oxy... well I can hope can't I?? ;)  
Avatar universal
Hey girl your hanging in there like a champ remember YOU CAN DO THIS and you are
dont know if you believe in God our not and im not going to shove him down your throat
but during my withdrawals prayer seamed to help Jesus heres those that cry out his name
I tryed praying to make it stop but found it better to pray for strength to get threw it
by his grace we are forgiven but there is still consequences for our sin hence the withdrawals but it defenetly helped to pray and I will pray for you now stay strong
keep telling yourself this is only temporary and should be over in around 4 days
remember you just got to be ok without being ok for a wile..this to shall pass
when your brother gets there spend as much time as you can in the tub it will keep the creepy crawlys off you keep forcing the fluids gatoraid is a good one if you can stomach the protein shaks they will keep you going callore wise...and keep posting to let us know how you are good luck and God bless....Gnarly  
Avatar universal
im so happy to see you believe in God dident see your post b/4 I wrote mine God
he makes all the difference in doing this......Gnarly
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