Tramadol Drugstore Cowgirl

[stayathomemom75]

Hi, all!
I discovered this thread just last night (5/3/13) reading up on the Thomas Recipe and peoples reactions and WD's getting off of Tramadol.
You all seem like a very knowledge, caring bunch and I'd like to perhaps make some friends around here, if you'll have me. May I share a little about myself with you all? 37 year old SAHM, 2 little boys: one 3, one 5, hubby works full time managing a restaurant. That's now.

Rewind about 10 years ago when my mom, who has ALWAYS been a "pill popper" kindly gave me one of her Lortabs to cure a persistent headache. That's all it took - I was hooked. I started seeing her doctor who gave me endless amounts of the things for the generic "headache" excuse until I became so needy and strung out that he dropped me as a patient. Back then one could still order Lortabs off the internet so I did that until it, too, was outlawed. Out of desperation, I tried some Tramadol a new doc had given me because he didn't like giving out the heavy narcs. At first it made me puke but I still got the feel good high so I kept at it until the vomiting stopped. Started feeling TOO confident and piling on the dosage until I had my first seizure (yep, I said "first"). Luckily for me hubby was home at the time and I had been laying in bed so he sat next to me, stroked my hair and talked softly to me until I came to then fell asleep for 12 hours. Certainly he thought that would be the huge flashing red light to stop me from popping Trammies, right?! Nope. An addict cares not. I began ordering them off the internet and proceeded, over the years, to have about a half dozen more seizures.
Everything came to a head at the beginning of 2012 when my father (who I dearly loved) died. I went into a grieving panic and spun down into that bottomless pit of despair. Despite my adoring 4 year old son who really wanted his mommy back I moved out of our home and spent every free moment popping whatever pill and drinking whatever alcohol I could get my hands on. Adding Ambien to the mix, I mostly slept for 2 solid months. Also gave myself 2 black eyes that, to this day, I cannot explain.
I slowly started to come out of it and began to land my feet solidly back in reality. I reconciled with the hubs, moved back in, dropped the Ambien and alcohol completely to leave myself hooked only on the Trammies. Whereas before hubby and I always fought over my drug use, forcing me to hide every sacred pill, we put it all out in the open and hubby could see how happy and functioning I was on this one, solitary drug. He agreed to finance them for me figuring "everyone deserves at least SOMETHING to help them get through the day". You see, unlike many of you I never really had any pain to begin with. I've never had any surgeries, never been in a car accident, never broken a bone. I am the type of person many of you with legitimate reasons HATE. I am sorry for that and constantly ashamed because I know, because of me, it is harder for the average pain patient to get nearly ANYthing these days.
However, these pills help with tiny gifts of focus, calm, relaxation, patience, better temperament, I could go on. The main reason I am here with you all today, sharing my shame, writing my story for all the internet to critique, is because these little white pills are becoming FAR too expensive. A bottle of 90 (which gets me through 2 weeks) costs just over $100 so at $200 a month we are struggling financially. I know that, while I REALLY do not WANT to quit now, I will eventually have to.
Back in February I tried a 2 week self-taper and did quite well. I woke up 24 hours after my last pill and still felt ok. 36 hours crept up and the "flu" started to creep in. By hour 48 I freaked out so badly I got myself to an ER complaining of an excruciating migraine just to get my fix. I had failed. Since that attempt I gave up, recognizing and accepting my extremely pathetic lack of willpower.
This all brings us up to present day. Just last week I got in a fight with hubby when he told me he was finacially cutting me off and will no longer pay for my pills. I had a little bit in Craigslist sales stashed away so I managed to take care of the beginning of May for myself but 7 days from now the panic will start to seep into my brain and body and the freak out will soon commence, sure as the sun will rise.
My conundrum is this: I do not WANT to quit them. I like them. I rationalize to myself that everyone is hooked on SOMEthing - caffeine, nicotine, abusive relationships, etc. As long as I can somehow make 200 bucks a month, I should be fine, right? Nope. I can't make that kinda money every single month with no job and as a SAHM. Besides, I'd much rather spend all that cash on fun stuff like Angry Bird sheets for my son or sterling silver jewelry for myself...ANYTHING besides wasting all that money on little round pills.
I'm also hating my dependence on them. If I run out because my mail order shipment is delayed I head straight for the ER. They are now beginning to recognize me and deny me right out. Then I drive away hating THEM and feeling judged but also feeling like they have no right to look down at me just because I'm hooked on these damn things. Isn't it crazy all the things our brains do while we're on this substance?
I've read many stories on this board with many different approaches. One person gave his phone, wallet and car keys to his girlfriend so that he would know his options were nil. Another convinced himself that he has the flu - simple as that - to help psych himself into calming down.
The thing that always kills me is the SEVERE anxiety attacks. Can't stay still, body wants to sleep but mind won't let it, runny/stuffy nose, CONSTANT dizziness and those horrible electric shock feelings in the head that make you feel like you have a fever, on the toilet day and night, etc. When all that kicks in, I turn weak. I cannot make it through. I'm not tough like some of you are - I'm a big cream puff and I'm well aware of my shortcomings.
So there you have it - my present problem. I KNOW I will have to come off these things eventually but am entirely unprepared both mentally & physically as to HOW I would even begin to address this venture.
Another thing that really worries me is that I know myself: if it's not this, it will be something else. I will pick back up the bottle, I will start taking Ambien again to sleep through life and just not address ANY of my own problems. And before anyone asks, no I don't know anything about any groups, I'm too ashamed to even consider it right now - and I loathe and despise exercise (lol) so turning to jogging or whatever like many do - I know myself well enough to know that I won't do that. Since you know I have 2 small children spending 24/7 in a hot bath will NOT be an option and a mommy doesn't get "time off". No clocking out and no vacations - life will have to go on around me and I will be forced to participate...but HOW?!
Right now I take anywhere between 6-10 50mg Tramadols per day and, at my best, have worked my way down to 5 per day comfortably. That's all I do. No drinking, no smoking (weed or cigs), nothing recreational and I do not crush or snort the pills. I've been taking them for about 3 years now every single day. I wake up, pop 2 or 3, go about my day, maybe pop 1 more late afternoon then pop 2 or 3 an hour or so before bed to relax me enough to get some sleep.
I know that, because I don't have the desire to quit right now, maybe there is nothing any of you can or even want to say to me and that's ok. I just wanted to vent, to get my story out there, to see my own shortcomings in my own words. Like every story there is more than just what I've shared today like the DUI I earned right after my Dad killed himself and how I am working on my very last month of probation right now. But I'll save that for later, in case anyone is interested.
Thank you, everyone, for hearing me out. :)

[Dane74]

AMEN nursegirl,  please listen to what she is saying.  When i was YOU 2 years or so ago i was just like you.  Hence i feel a connection.  Our emotions are running all over the board and we tend to get super sensitive and harbor on every little thing or saying that someone says. I would read what others would post to me and just cry, hearing the harsh realities was so difficult, and i think it was Sara that said a long time ago to me was that if she pissed me off thats a god thing as she hit a nerve.   i have to tell you it was not that long ago that i went back and read what i wrote years ago and i cant believe the great people here on medhelp stood by me and just continued to pound the $h!t out of me so i would wake up and realize i was in over my head.  Please know that most people on here i hate to say most but we do get a few jerks along the way, are all here to help.  As for your family i understand your passion but the only analogy i can come up with is this and i know its sounds stupid but i am trying to prove a point....When you are on a plane with your small child the flight attendant comes over and says "In case of emergency and if the oxygen masks comes down make sure you put your's on first then the childs"!!!!  My point here is that you have to save yourself before you can save others.  Do i make any sense here?

[Nighthawk61]

Glad your mom's showing progress. You're already on a taper plan, and you are staying where you're at until able to get off it completely. You've done alot of work, so far and of course you and your husband have every reason to be proud of how far you've come. One thing that hasn't been talked about at all, is after care. After care should start and continue throughout any taper and quit. Aftercare in your case would be AA or NA. There you will find many that have gone through Inpatient, Outpatient, Adult Children of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Family's; Alanon etc.and be able to impart to you what they learned there. You do not have to go to impatient treatment to acquire the knowledge that you would find there.  It is suggested that you find a sponsor that will help you to stay where you are and not lose any ground. This is something that most addicts I know begin for their family. Whether they love themselves enough or not, to get the help for themselves, they commit to certain steps taken by those that have gained freedom from drugs & alcohol, mainly for their children.  When you feel able to make a commitment to aftercare, you can initiate a relationship with a sponsor now, who will be known to you, and be able to help you with a further taper, and eventually quit or you DOC's. You see, you can be doing something now, without further taper, without it costing you money, to further your cause to becoming the best parent and spouse you can be. Baby steps mean it is not all or nothing. Your position has gotten complicated on this thread, but it shouldn't be. You've tapered down and you're afraid of using if you go through withdrawals. This is the type of thing that a sponsor can help you with. The program is really quite simple ~ it doesn't , and it shouldn't, be so complicated. Thus, Keep It Simple. You are at the point of reaching out to others for help, but I think the natural progression of the help that you need, that you want (may sub consciously) is that of a few women who have gone all the way, and can help you to get there too. I quit for my son. I talked to other mother's in the program (closed women's meetings) who had quit and maintained sobriety, primarily for their kids ~ and because they didn't want their kid's to grow up and automatically become an addict (as you did with your mother, and as many of us have). Keep it simple and take baby steps in the right direction. That proven direction (from most of us who have maintained being clean and sober for over a decade) is AA or NA. There are online groups as well, but I enjoyed meeting up with other mother's in the same position as myself. God Bless. You're doing a great job and you're on your way. Take it easy.

[VICourageous]

May the Lord be with You & Your Whole Family..I know about the Mom thing mine lives on my property with me!!! The Best of Luck to All...

[nursegirl6572]

Okey dokey dear!

Sounds like a plan...take care.

[L_Lady]

I wish you and your family the best

[stayathomemom75]

I guess, at this point, I feel like I'm listening to a broken record. I've made my decision to wait a little bit more before I begin my taper and my goal is during the month of June - next month. However, I'm still reading the "YOU'RE GONNA DIIIIIIE!!" comments and it's becoming a bit of a turn off, if you get what I mean at all.

Ok, I get it. I've read everything that everyone has said and have absorbed every word. I think that now I would like to just step back, take care of my family, get to a comfortable place where I know things will be ok around me, and THEN begin my taper.

But in the meantime, and I'm not sure how things work around here, I'm going to take a break from this thread - think about all the ideas I have - and then return when I'm ready to take the plunge next month. My mother should be financially stable by then and my husband will be prepared to help me in whatever way possible. Maybe he can even schedule a few days off work to be there during my worst time.

So thanks for the opinions and the stories but, in short, I've heard enough. I've had my fill. Now it's time to make some decisions. :)

[L_Lady]

AlSo, (soapbox, sorry) at the very least research meds u shouldn't take with tramadol.  There are many (especially any otjer meds that lower your seizure threshold), and some are otc meds.  Some meds affect how tram ismetabolized and can lead to toxicity,  etc.  

[L_Lady]

And I mean any drugs that affect neurotransmitters: dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, others (antidepressants, add meds, etc), and benziodiazepines (anxiety and some sleep aids).  I just don't want your mom to end up in a worse situation from CT'ing any meds,
I would urge you to really research tramadol, on another nore.  Its affecting way more than ambien or opates do.  I think to date, they know of 9 neurotransmitters affected by tram, and of cours its an opiod (attaches to opoid receptors).  I know I neglected to do any research or learn about tram for many years bc I just wanted to keep using and not worry about it.  I'm sorry if I'm projecting.   I truly just want u to be aware of what exactly you're dealing with, so that u can go forward with that knowledge.

[nursegirl6572]

It's wonderful that you hold your family in such high regard and are loyal and devoted.  I'm sure you understand that no one is telling you to abandon your family.  What people are saying is that you have to be okay with YOU, in order to help others.  That's not any kind of judgement or criticism, it's just the way it works.  I also don't think it has to be all or nothing.  Why couldn't you do both?

If you think your mother is in the kind of danger that you describe, she needs more help than just YOU can provide anyway.  Perhaps go to her appts with her and express your concerns?

Also, a decision to detox would never be selfish...not in a negative way anyway.  

You're very defensive, and angry and bitter sounding.  NO one here knows you...no one is trying to hurt your feelings.  You asked for honest opinions and input, that's what you're getting.  You keep reassuring us that you're not in any immediate danger, yet many of us would disagree with that assessment.  Just the fact that you've had several seizures puts you i greater danger to have another, even on a lower dose.  While obviously the risk is higher the more you take, you're minimizing the risk here hon.

Take a DEEP breath, and TRY to take the personal feeling out of the replies.  I know it's easier said than done to not take the advice personally...but it really isn't meant to be personal.  

Your family can be the single most important thing in the world, but if you're not taking care of YOU....you run the risk of not being in the best place TO help your family and be there for them.  That's the crux of the matter.  You can disagree, that's fine...we're all entitled to our opinions.  We're worried about you.

[stayathomemom75]

>>1.  In many ways Tramadol is far more dangerous then Loratab (hydrocodone)
Yes, I realize this because it clearly takes longer to WD and the process is much more hellish. Goody - can't wait for that part. :/

>>2.  This stuff will wreck your life.  We are all functional addicts up until the moment we aren't anymore.
I know this. I experienced it with Lortab years ago and with Ambien up until last year.

>>You come first, not your Mom.
I fundamentally disagree. Absolutely, positively WRONG. Did you miss the part where I shared that my father DIED only last year? Losing 2 parents in one year would backtrack ANY improvement I could POSSIBLY make in the WD process.

>>It is not wrong to put yourself first, if it saves your life.  Being gone wouldn't help you Mom either.
My life is not in immediate danger - my mother's HAS been. My mother being gone from my life could quite possibly send me over the edge of insanity. Please do NOT try and talk me into this line of logic as I am steadfast that family is THE single most important thing in the world. I will NOT allow my mother to DIE simply because of my selfish decision to detox at the very moment when she needs me most.

[L_Lady]

Stay,
Many (if not all) psych meds can do a good deal of damage and setbacks of stopped cold Turkey.  I hope your mom tapers down any meds she was actively taking instead of just tossing them

[Fireby29]

You have gotten tons of great advice, I wanted to just add a couple of things.

1.  In many ways Tramadol is far more dangerous then Loratab (hydrocodone)

2.  This stuff will wreck your life.  We are all functional addicts up until the moment we aren't anymore.

I used to rationalize all of the things I was doing well at.  Work, home, exercise, you name it.  It was all a lie I used to keep taking narcotics.

You come first, not your Mom.  It is not wrong to put yourself first, if it saves your life.  Being gone wouldn't help you Mom either.

I am glad your here and being so honest.  It is a great first step.

Bryan

[nursegirl6572]

Great news about your mom!  That's great!  Hopefully that will take a little worry away for you.

I too agree with sarah's comment...baby steps.

We'll be here when you need us!

[dominosarah]

Baby steps~

[stayathomemom75]

Just wanted to post a general comment to everyone who's still reading and following  and hopefully not judging or projecting. To those of you who truly are paying attention to what I'm writing and not jumping to conclusions, I sincerely thank and appreciate you all. And here's a tidbit of good news!

As I said yesterday my mom lost her job due to her physical condition which has yet to be diagnosed. Well she called her old boss this morning for a talk because she has been working there for 11 years and was hoping he would have a heart and help her out with SOME kind of work. Well wonder of wonders - he obliged! Starting later this week she will go back to work in the back of the warehouse instead of in the front office. While I was a bit nervous to hear her reaction to this demotion I was surprised to find that she's quite jazzed! She will now be working right alongside one of her dearest co-worker friends and will be getting out of the house every day, one of her major goals. I knew that sitting inside her home 24/7 was just killing her on the inside and now she has something to look forward to so that she can get back to "life"!

This is a HUGE sigh of relief for me as it appears I may not have to worry quite so much about my mother ending up in the hospital any time soon. She is elated, clear-headed, sounding more "normal" than she has in months.
Also, as she has decided once and for all that the concoction her psychiatrist was giving her was NOT working for her then we have agreed to throw out all her remaining pills. She will be in possession of nothing that will tempt me!

Now, as far as me and my own mind with its strange inner workings - I still have some work to get to the true final straw in order to taper or quit CT. But this little bit of news is VERY good and I wanted to share it with many of you who have expressed your concern over my immediate health. I'm NOT just making excuses or blowing smoke up your arses when I say that I AM functioning quite well right now. After a long talk with hubby last night - he agrees. He's very proud of how far I've come in the past year and so am I.
Do I still think I should take trams forever? No. Do I still know they lead down a road to nowhere? Yes. But I'm taking it a little easy on myself after making it VERY hard on myself for so, so very long. One step at a time, one moment, one problem at a time...

[L_Lady]

And not preaching,  I promise (my posts are also my way of speaking to myself .. I'm still taking the stuff too, on a taper), driving and seizuris not the only risk.  U could have a seizure in the tub and drown, in the shower and sustain a head injury, in front of your children who would be terrified ...the list goes on.  

[L_Lady]

Stay,
I just wanted to comment on a couple of things.  I do see (and completely understand)  your resistance to stop.  Its a real part of addiction that all of us here have encountered.   But what I see is that you are here.  Regardless of the reasons u got on the laptop and began posting,  it still got u here.  I bet you've never reached iut like this before ...or maybe u have.  I know I hadn't before.   I see that as a first step.   And imo, any step forward should be a reassurance to you that you are stronger than u realize and do have conviction.   You've also tapered down your dose...again regardless of the reasonswhy, that is still a step in the right direction!  
About the seizure thing...daily doses above a certain amount put u at higher risk of seizure,  but ANY amount lowers your seizure threshold.  Its a risk when taking any amount, and that is a fact.  
And in terms of your self assessment ...saying that u are not a hard a** and typically don't accomplish things u really don't feel like doing (I know not word for word what u said, bit I think that was the jist of it)   how long in your adult life have you been YOU?  Sober, natural you?  I've been asking myself the same thing.  I've taken tram for 5 yrs...I can't be sure who I really am on the inside and what traits I have or behaviors that were influenced by or created by the drug's affect on my mind.  I say that because looking at myself the past few years, I've been the same way..."charged" after dosing,  but never pushing myself to do things I just simply did not feel like doing.
Since tapering I've FORCED myself to exercise every day.  I wany to be successful in my taper and do everything I xan to make it more manageable bc the other options arecild turkey, or taking it the rest of my life.  So maybe your perception of who u areis based on who you've been on drugs.  Its so hard to know, and u really owe yourself the chance to find out.  U may really surprise yourself in terms of motivation and willpower andthe result is a sense of pride that's truly deserved

[Dane74]

i want to start by saying a few things to you, first off i admire your honesty, and courage to let it all out sort of speak.  Keeping your hubby in the loop and hey lets face it, you kicked the booze and ambien, now that's what i call hoops and bounds, so keep it up and move forward.  You have come so far already and be proud of yourself.  I do not want to speak for all addicts but i can honestly say i romanced about the pills and i had all the nicknames for my pills, $h!t i had a love affair with the pills!!!!  Now with that said, its time to look at tapering off the trams, and get to an even lower dose.  Babysteps, is how i work and as long as you are going in the positive direction and keep on trucking, you will do great.  

[dominosarah]

You have been given very good advice from everyone.  We have had many members here who have had seizures so this is a concern.  They can happen at anytime with this drug.  We all want you to be safe and to get better.  

[stayathomemom75]

Conjen,
I really do not like or appreciate the tone you take with me and would appreciate it if you would please leave my thread and stop addressing me. Your words are no longer helping and only making you look more and more foolish to me, as you refuse to actually read and absorb my words before attacking and judging me.

Everyone else, is there any way I can put someone on "ignore"?

[Conjen]

Well put nursegirl! And amen ricart! We all know that everyone's situation is different and has special circumstances.  We all did things are own way in this recovery process and are still handling those demons as we go through it now its never ending but it gets easier by the day!  My husband saw the problem and truely stood by my side through this recovery. Sounds to me that someone needs to give you a swift kick in the butt.  I'm thankful for this child growing inside me or I don't know how well I would've done.  What if your wrong about the seizures what if ricart is right and you have one while driving your young children "TRAMMIES" as you call them cause seizures please for the love of god drop the excuses and WAKE UP for your sake and your families

[nursegirl6572]

You said your husband is reading this (which is great, btw)....what does he say?  This thread is VERY telling...you're very open and honest with the details of your addiction, you have no problem admitting you are an addict (which is all good)...but is his ONLY concern really the money?  Is he not worried about the long term health risks to you?  What kind of effect this could have on your children?  

I mean, the bottom line to me I think would be is that you have an addiction you are not addressing.  You're still even trying to find ways to rationalize that you've cut down....maybe making it okay to continue?  Also, you're not addressing the depression issue either, which isn't healthy for anyone.  It's not like he was agreeing to let you have expensive nail treatments or something.  He agreed to fund and be okay with you abusing a medication, for all of the wrong reasons....just because it makes you feel better.  I'm sure he has to see how much is wrong with that, doesn't he?  

I'm just really curious as to what your husband thinks, what he SAYS to you about this.  I know if I were a spouse, reading this thread would probably scare me and infuriate me at the same time.  Ya know?  I kind of hope maybe this has opened HIS eyes a little...your readiness isn't quite there, but if HE starts realizing the extent of how much is wrong with this...maybe it will add some accountability for you.  Right now, you're not being made to be accountable to anyone...and up until recently, you've been openly permitted to be an addict...that's kind of a new one for me.

I'm glad you're here, and you're reading and taking this all in.  Maybe someone will come up with the right words to really give you that extra push you need to ditch the excuses and rationalization...and admit the full extent of what's going on...and that you really need to start addressing this...you need help sweetie...no way around it.  You cannot continue down this road forever...addiction always has an end point...either jail, death, or recovery.  You've come close to the first two already (closer than you probably realize)....the longer you do this, the better chance of a negative outcome.  

Your post above this one is a textbook addict post, not sure if you can see it or not...a whole lot of minimizing, and rationalization.  Hang in there !

[stayathomemom75]

Oh ok, if that's what you're frightened of then let me give you a bit more background/info.
I have not had a seizure since last spring, right after my Dad died and I did not care what I consumed into my body, or how much of it, as long as it made me numb. That was the last time. 95% of the reason behind my HORRIBLE decisions was fueled by the Ambien and then mixed with alcohol made me not even remember what I had taken for days on end.

I have completely, totally stopped drinking, stopped the Ambien and take so few Tramadol per day that I am certain NOT to have a seizure. Unlike last year, I actually care about that happening to me and do NOT want to ever have another one ever again. I am down to my lowest dosage of Trams EVER since I even started so I'm a tiny bit proud of myself for working my addiction down to a manageable level as well as completely eradicating not just one but TWO of the most horrible, damaging substances I had ever ingested.

The kids are never in the car with me, nor am I ever driving, because I am still on probation and not allowed to drive. My probation ends this month so we will see what will result from that and how much money they demand in order to have the privilege of driving again. It has been a year and a half since I've been legal to drive a car and I'm not pushin' my luck - I intend this first run-in with the cops/legal system to be my LAST. ;)

[nursegirl6572]

Just an FYI...the ALL CAPS I used to empasize certain words is just that, an emphasis because it is the written word..obviously, it would be something I am trying to make stand out as I would if I were speaking...and I do that on all of my posts, it's part of my posting style.

Just wanted to clarify that so you didn't feel as if I was being extra hard on you or anything.  Just the way I type my posts.

:0)