Come Clean with Spouse or Not?

[Oxymoron35]

Guys, I post this heavy hearted and am really looking for some advice....  About 10 years ago I started my self medicating phase with alcohol and it grew to a point that in 2005 my wife called me out on it and I agreed to remain sober.  I was more of a binge alcoholic then drinking everyday. Could go months without drinking (and surprisingly was feeling good) I then replaced this addiction with food and gained about 55 lbs...  Oh and was I sober the whole time, no way, I would sneak drinks here or there and then lie about everything as we addicts do.   Well it pretty much remained alcohol until about 2013 when I got my hands on my first pain pills.   I took a few at first as prescribed until my Dr. referred me to a pain management clinic in March of last year who basically took my 30 5mg percocet prescription to 120 10mg percs a month.  Was like winning the lottery.  Well I still didn't take every day but I did love the way they made me feel and escape the enternal turmoil and pain that was caused by our dysfunctional marriage.  At about ths point we basically became roomates and co-parents.  I blame this on my selfish introvert decisions and actions around my addiction.  The pain pill addiction became worse (after I decided to sniff the oxy and percs) from about July 2014-October 2014.  If your read some of my threads I C/T fromt he PK's on a cruise back in October.  I remained 38 days cleaned before I relapsed and went in and got another script. Oh at this point I was buying off the street when I ran out and have prob spent 20k in 8 months on PK's and Benzos.  So I C/T's again in December while working which sucked but that lasted about 4 days as my addict brain said you can't go through the holidays sober so I got some more.  This lasted until the end of January.  During that time I came clean with my PCP who wasn't equipted to deal with this and reached out to my pain doc.  Of course my next pain doc appt they made it clear they would not offer me another narcotic.   Much to my dismay from reading I decided that perhaps a short suboxone stint would help to allevieat all the wd systems and stop the cravings.   The good news is that it did work and after 58 days on subs I am now 12 days clean.  I forgot to mention I left my pain mgmnt doctor and found a Psych dr who specializes in addiction and has his sub licesnes.  So we worked on a taper and it really worked, I had no real accute physical withdrawals but believe mu current fatigue, depression, lack of motivation, etc is the brain healing from the opiates.  So the Dr. prescribed me 20 klonopin to help sleep during my final taper and jump.  A normal person would hae just used that but no.... I also got my hands on Xanax and Ativan as I thought it was helping with the anxiety from being on pills.  So now I'm stuck in a benzo cycle (you can see my other thread)... Why couldn't I just use them as needed for sleep and now all I'd be dealing with is healing from the sub withdrawal.  Now I have to go back to my Psych Dr. tomorrow and tell him I have traded this for another addiction.  What is wrong with me?

So to the point.  Our marriage hasn't been bliss for the last 10 years as we've grown apart (I think due to my selfish and introverted actions of continued self medicating) and are on the verge of divorce.  This is with her NOT knowing anything about the pills, sub or benzos...   What do I do?  Can I get better on my own and ASAP and then worry about the harboring guilt or do I tell her everything and see what happens?  We have a 12 y/o son and 10 y/o daughter that mean the world to me.  I love my wife dearly and just want to get this behind me to start fresh.  Is that even possible?  Thanks for listening and for your advice.

[atthebeach]

Congrats on your honesty. I am very proud of you.
My husband & I were headed for divorce because of his 14 year relapse and  addiction.
Once he was honest with himself and then me he was able to work on his
Recovery. Then we could begin to work on our relationship, marriage and
Our family. Be patient with yourself and your wife. It will take time for the trust to be rebuilt. I was very cautious and had a very big wall built up.
I was afraid to get hurt again. It honestly took a few years for him to regain my trust.
He has now  been clean and sober for over 5 years. We are celebrating
Our 25th anniversary this year.
I pray the best for you and your family.
Sending hope and encouragement,
Debbie

[Foursonz]

Hi.  In terms of finding an appropriate detox/addiction center ,  your addiction specialist doctor should be  a great referral source.  Good luck and the best to you. This is a very supportive site. You can do this.
Seek out God. Everything can change -He's got a plan for you but you need to go after him. Good luck! !!

[Foursonz]

Hi.  In terms of finding an appropriate detox/addiction center ,  your addiction specialist doctor should be  a great referral source.  Good luck and the best to you. This is a very supportive site. You can do this.
Seek out God. Everything can change -He's got a plan for you but you need to go after him. Good luck! !!

[BearsFan1966]

I am so happy and proud you! Now you can truly start your NEW life and your NEW you!! You will not have to worry about all the what if or what should I do! Its out there now and you both can begin to start your new life again. Once you take care of yourself you can then truly start to repair your marriage without any lies being held back and start a new! I am so happy for you and the beginning of your new life! It will be hard work but so worth every minute once you are you again!
Please keep us posted as to how you are doing!
xoxo

[Krissy_123]

Good for you!! I bet you felt like a 1000 pounds was lifted off your shoulders. You're worried now,but wait until she sees all the work you're putting into your recovery.

[Oxymoron35]

Well I did it... Came clean 100%.  It wasn't easy and it crushed her to say the least.  Told her last night.  Told her I want rehab and she agrees.  I'm not sure what the long term damage to the marriage will be but I have to get healthy again to give myself a chance at living the life I'm supposed to.  Now, I'm just wondering how to find the right mix of detox/aftercare that is covered in network by my insurance....  I wish I could go tonight!  But I need to talk to my Dr. on Tuesday and obviously my boss, etc.   So much to think about.

[VICourageous]

I agree with DS.
Make her a big part of your recovery..You will not regret it.
Bless

[dominosarah]

I would tell her what you need too and let her know this is what you want to do with the rehab thing.  That way she will feel she is a part of this.  Let us know how things go.

[Oxymoron35]

Everyone,

Thank you so much for the support.  I've come to the 100% conclusion I am going to tell her everything.  I just can't decide if it should be after I talk with my Dr.s next week about detox and rehab or this weekend so she can be a part of those discussions.  What do you think?  Also I'm sure my Drs will have recommendations on both detox and rehab facilities but I'm curious if anyone has information on the best way to search for those?   This is not bragging but luckily we have good insurance and significant funds so selfishly I want as good a place as possible.

[dominosarah]

I think rehab would be a good choice as you want to taper off those benzo's.  You also need to get to the bottom of why you are using.

[VICourageous]

I agree with the above here.
Letting your wife know will let the biggest baggage off your shoulders. Then she just might end up being your Greatest Supporter.

I am just amazed on how much work and support it takes to stay clean. Over the past 2 yrs and over 6 months I have added, changed or Up"d my support because of many reason. One was the loss of my parents/parent-in-laws and my lil boy dog and other friends all in a 90 day period. That was SO hard not to go and drink or use. I kept on this site and my MH friends held my hand all the way as I journal. Then at 24m I found out I had 2 blocked arteries..Oh! Man the last 2yrs and so was strictly the BIGGEST challenge in my LIFE!! I just had to keep on with the SUPPORT! My HUB is one of the BIGGEST I had ever had since day one. He kept telling me to hang in it will take TIME! As a Addict we have NO Patience. He kept reminding me what the head dr said about my brain and that it will take around 2 yrs to fire back up. All those millions of wiring get all messed up..Neurotransmitters and so forth and so on. (I used/drank off and on for over 40yrs)..DUMB! DUMB! DUMB! But this is a progressive disease..

Also PLEASE stop those Benzo NOW!! I c/t off 3 drugs and one being a Benzo. It was a harder detox then if it was just the Methadone alone. It was no fun and each month seemed like a new layer was removed. SO now you should tell ALL, let it go and get into some Support groups.

We have that Pleasure part of the brain called the Mid-brain survival part. Once you feed into your Addiction it will remember any pleasure from before and off you go. This is why they say one is to many and thousand is not enough. The brain takes over and the survival instincts think of nothing but where to get the next high..Not food, water or even sex, just that next buzz..This is why AA/NA say that we live to use and use to live..Get that Support you need..More the better!!!!!!.

I wish you the best and YES tell the Wife! I seen it one here for yrs when they are afraid to tell their other half. When they DO, they are so happy they did..Oh what a relief you can get..Hahaha
Bless

[weaver71]

There is some of that all-or-nothing, either/or thinking. Even if you physically heal, you will live eternity in guilt and shame. There are other possibilities. How about you get free and find your experience has produced a whole new perspective you can't see now. Maybe like me, you will be grateful for your addiction and recovery. You also disqualify all the good that comes from this new life of honesty, because a fear that you won't get over it. Think of it like something you did as a teen, you probably remember something embarrassing. Well, time and new memories replace the old guilt and shame. You can't feel it right now, but I am here to bare witness that you will not regret anything in the past. The new you will look back on the shameful you of today and laugh, grateful for the humility and willingness you are learning right now. Don't let the drugs illude you, millions of people will tell you there is life after drugs. Let us believe for you until you feel it too. Just do what it takes, don't fear sobriety. You and those who Iove you are worth it.

[vicki595]

I agree with in patient detox and rehab. You've got to learn some coping skills so you can deal with all the garbage life throws at us. It can all be dealt with sober.  Keep in mind that when we're taking pills things "hit" us wrong and our reactions are influenced by those pills.   You might be surprised how differently you see things with a clean brain.

[Krissy_123]

How did you hide the drinking? I always figured I hid my pill issue. But with alcohol no matter how much you brush your teeth chew gum shower etc...you can smell it. My mum was an alcoholic and I could smell it all the time.

[Oxymoron35]

No she has never been to Alanon.. Even though I had a drinking problem, it was more of a binge drinking and hiding it.  I justified that by not having to go to AA because I wasn't drinking everyday.  I promised to quit and over the years delved back into binge drinking every now and then and "hid" my escapades the best I could.  In all honesty I'm at the point that I'm not in control of this...  I'm going to tell her in the next few days EVERYTHING.  I'm also going to talk to my Dr. about rehab options.  I've already talked to my very supportive boss who says my job is safe until I get healthy.  I really think going to detox off the benzos and then doing group, etc. inpatient is my wisest choice.  What do you guys think?  Obviously I will have to tell her if I choose rehab ;-)

[dominosarah]

Our secrets keep us sick.  If you want a healthy relationship she has every right to know.  She will more than likely be upset and rightfully so.  Reassure her you love her and want to work thru this.  Has she ever been to Alanon?  That would really help her while you are working on you.

[Oxymoron35]

Thanks for all the comments guys.  I have a Dr.s appt next week and I'm thinking about his advice on an inpatient rehap.  Since I used benzos to help with the sub withdrawal I'm now addicted to those to try to help me cope with the guilt and shame.  You are all right.  Is living a life of lying really living?  I mean I think that "once" I'm myself again I can turn in to the man she fell in love with and all this will be behind us.  But I will always harbor this guilt and shame so in reality even if I could pull of a miraculous benzo taper w/o withdrawal and all of a sudden stop feeling bad and whammo, I'm myself again...  Would it be worth living the rest of my life with this on my chest?  I have a therapist appt Monday and my psych Dr. Tues who has helped me get of subs and will be none too pleased to hear about the swith to benzos.  Which I don't really like at all but am taking them to get through the anxiety and depression coming off of the opiates and the burden I carry of this secret.  My "hope" is that this blatant honesty will restore somewhat of some faith in be by her and you never know, maybe she will want to stay with me once I'm through this journey.  But I am thinking rehab (inpatient) in the near term is my option and there is no hiding that!  Appreciate all the feedback.

[BearsFan1966]

I do believe some of what you are feeling is due to the lying and it makes the anxiety much worse. If you do tell her let her know that you have reached out on this site and are doing all the steps to get back to being you. If you let her know you are doing this for you, and your children it may make her really believe in you again! We never know until we try and also is living a lie really living? That is what I told myself, I could do this on my own but would I ever really be free?? Now I hold myself accountable for the promises I made to my husband and my children! PM me any time you just need to vent I find it really helps me!
14 Days is huge my friend! I am sure she already sees a change in you and maybe telling her will help her. You never know maybe she thinks she is the problem? Just some food for thought!
Keep strong!

[Readytolive31]

I would definitely tell her if I was you. When I was in active addiction I was queen liar to my husband and when I finally came clean and told him everything I felt a HUGE weight lifted off of my shoulders. Like you and your wife we were on the brink of divorce and I thought for sure it would be the end of us, but it's been almost a year and a half and we are still married. Of course things aren't always perfect, but all he expects is the truth and he told me that things could've been easier if I had just been honest with him. I'm sure she knows something is going on with you because we think we hide it, but we don't. Good luck in whatever way you choose!

[Krissy_123]

You said she already doesn't trust you because of the drinking....look at the honesty it will take to tell her this. Of she loves you,she's going to appreciate you coming clean. (Pun intended) not telling her is the same as lying really. You don't want that with this fresh start. Plus it's so so hard to go through this alone. Let her be there for you.

[Oxymoron35]

Hi, thank you for the comment and response.  It's just so hard.  Harboring all this guilt so I would really like to tell her but she already doesn't trust me from my drinking episodes years ago.  I know if I tell her about this it will just kill her and any chance of getting trust back will be gone and divorce will be the ultimate outcome.  But I'm getting to the point that to get better, if that is what it takes to get better than maybe it's meant to be.  I'm only 14 days clean of opiates - 14 days off of sub (72 days off of oxy) so I'm sure some of my depression and anxiety is caused by my brain healing but I don't know.  Thanks for letting me vent.  It's hard when you don't really have anyone to talk to.  

[BearsFan1966]

My husband and I fought for 10 while I was using and now we hardly ever fight, at least not about stupid sh*t now! It made me accountable for staying clean and what I  put everyone threw. You be surprised about her reaction, I know I was all ready for a fight when I told him but it was the opposite he now had some insight as to what I was going threw and was very understanding and supportive. He is the type of person that has never had a problem stopping some thing. He smoked and one day just stopped.

Keep me posted as to what you are going threw. It helps to vent on here when you are feeling down and there are a lot of people going or have gone threw what you are.

[Oxymoron35]

Thanks for the comments everyone.  I leaning towards telling here everything.  If she wants to divorce me that I guess I've earned.  I just need to get better and trying to do it on my own isn't working obviously.  I'll give it a little more thought but it's the right thing to do.

[BearsFan1966]

Hi and welcome back!
Your wife knows trust me you are not being yourself! I was on pain meds for over 10 years thinking no one knew what I was doing. Boy how wrong was I! When I decided to stop I came clean with my husband, mom, dad, and my children! It was the most freeing thing I had ever done! They all told me they knew some thing was not right with me.They were my biggest support team and telling them lifted a ton of bricks off my shoulders. I went CT and it was bad, but with them knowing what I was going threw helped me not feel so guilty.Don't get me wrong I hated what I was putting them threw but they made me feel not so alone. After about 2 months my older kids told me they were so happy to have their mom back! WOW that is worth all I went threw and they were proud of me! Proud of me! Never thought my kids would be proud of me....
I am a firm believer that you need to tell your family, friends, drs, everyone. It is up to you but for me it is the first step to starting your new life!
I wish you the best and we are here for you!