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Unexpected Norco Refill (please help)

I went to the pharmacy today to pick up the regular meds (birth control, etc.) and when the pharmacist brought them up, she said, okay looks like we have X, Y, Z, and Norco 10/325s.

I nodded, but inwardly froze.  Norco?  

I have been opiate free since mid-July.  I have been through a hellacious addiction to pain pills, went on suboxone, went through the horrible suboxone detox---which for me, was so bad, that I checked myself into a psych ward a few days in because I felt extremely anxious, depressed, insomniatic, and was even having morbid thoughts of self-harm and suicide.  

Just tetting off these drugs (not being on them, just getting off) has literally encompassed the last six, eight, ten months of my life.  I have a full-ride scholarship to a prestigous graduate program, and I had to take two semesters off for a "health leave of absence" to deal with this.  Like I said, I finally detoxed mid-July and have been fighting this, one painful day at a time.  Some days are good, some days not so good.

About five weeks back, during a night of terrible anxiety and jonesing, I frantically looked through all my hiding places, bags, backpacks, carryons, pockets--looking through all my hidden-pill spots, everywhere in my apartment and though I didn't find any opiates, I did find a bottle of Norco from last December that claimed it had one refill left for 45 pills.  I tried to call in the refill over the RX phone automated system, and of course, it said sorry, there are no refills left (of course there weren't; I'd filled it months earlier, I was just hoping).  The automated system did say that they would contact the prescibing doctor's office on the next business day to request the refill.  I did not think that request would amount to anything, because the doctor that had prescribed them is the SAME doctor I went to when I admitted my horrendous addiction and who helped me detox.  It really never crossed my mind that the automated refill request would work or amount to anything.

Well, my doctor is on vacation right now, and has been for a couple of weeks, so someone in his clinic just refilled it, I guess.  I am an addict, and so after hearing that there was a Norco refill, keeping quiet, paying for my stuff, I walked out of the pharmacy, maybe 30 feet, broke open the bottle and chewed up two pills.  I walked home, and then when I got home, swallowed another.  

I feel like ****.  This addiction nearly ruined my life before--quite literally: it made me into a nasty, terrible, sad, shell of a person.  I know all of that--I remember the pain.  I remember how bad it was.  And yet, I still took three pills and am terrified I'll just down the rest of the bottle in the next few days.  

I'm so upset with myself for not having the courage to throw them away.  To flush them.  I don't know what to do.  I feel like garbage.  My mind knows how terrible this route is, and yet, I find myself back here again.  

Please, someone, talk me off this ledge.
18 Responses
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983679 tn?1276833336
u are right, all you can do is keep tryin! thats alll we are all doing-trying to stay clean today...when you wake up in the morning you are in the same place as all of us with the same options-use or stay clean, not in the past but in the now! stay clean tomorrow and if we all do then we will all be in the same place-one day at a time
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I took all nine in a manner of hours, really.  I was saving the last one for, what?  I don't even know.  

Last night, while very high/numb (on those nine pills), it occured to me while watching TV that I'd done none of the things I'd looked forward to doing this past weekend.  My sober self is in the middle of writing a novel--had plans to meet friends for brunch--and you know what I did when I was high?  I just partied and smoked a lot of cigarettes.  My novel is where it was on Wednesday before I got the pain meds.  I blew off my friends. My weekend was wasted in a botched attempt to enoy opiates.  And I didn't enjoy it.  I didnt' *do* anything.  I was just high, and honestly, I didn't even enjoy it. When this occurred to me last night--that I'd wasted my weekend and taken drugs again--I got up, and I guess in a symbolic last ditch effort, threw the very last pill in the toilet.  

When I was high, I didn't do anything my sober self actually enjoys.  I just medicated myself away.  It felt vapid and empty, and reminded me that was how my life was all time time when I was getting high every day.  High is not even the right word.  Getting low is more like it.  Like you're digging yourself deeper every day until one day, it's your grave.

Anyway, I screwed up.  Everyone who said that I should have thrown all 43 away was right.  Of course you were all right.  I threw away 32 and used 12, and then threw away the last one at the end.   But, if it hadn't been for the support of this board, I don't know that I would have had the courage to throw away the 32 pills in the beginning.  Really--the whole bottle was haunting me, calling me, and it was the support of this board that made me get out of bed, walk to the toilet and throw them away.  So, thank you all for that.

I'm committed to an opiate-free life.  Yes, I screwed up--there's no denying it. Those 12 pills weren't worth it and I should have them them all in the beginning.  But I'm not perfect, and all I can do is keep trying.  Thanks for the support.
Helpful - 0
401095 tn?1351391770
A member here used to say that we were all one pill away from relapse...and u have ten of those puppies in ur possession..i think it was toxictome who said that..and those ten pills r toxic to u

u did sumpin by flushing most of them...letting go is hard...guess it depends on how much self destruction we can stand before we let go..some can take more loss and self harm//harm to those who love us as well//than others can...perhaps u r tougher than the average addict and can withstand the pain u r subjecting urself to...i just hope that if//or when//these 10 pills cause u to go into active addiction again///that it will not hurt anyone else in ur life...cos they do not deserve it

I was in the recoevery forum that AVISG started earlier...a post about the 6 stages of recovery,,,,believe it was one of the first 2 stages where we realize we have no control over our DOC..realizing it is destroying us..realizing we can not PLAY anymore...u will not win if u try and play..think back on the reasons u quit???  please keep posting
Helpful - 0
52704 tn?1387020797
in my first rehab they told us and told us and told us "don't use, no matter what, because you'll reactivate your addiction."

i didn't buy that.  i was back to my fighting weight and feeling good.  i thought "no way," i just won't let that happen."  just like an addict, i had decided i'd just control the uncontrollable.

i will say that that last relapse taught me that i can't control what happens once mood or mind altering substances enter my body.  i went out of control pretty much immediately.  less than five months later i was back in rehab - this time for four months, not twenty-eight days.

i'm really lucky that i didn't die or end up in prison during that last five month run - i came very close to both.  given that i somehow made it through to the other side, that last relapse and the depths it took me to was the best thing that ever happened to me.

but what a risk. what a long shot.

if there was some way i could have understood what was going to happen and what a risk i was taking, i would have avoided that last run at all costs.  but for whatever reason i couldn't get it until it i was beaten to a pulp.

if you keep using, sooner or later you'll be beaten to a pulp too, losing everything you care about along the way.  

i know lots of people in recovery who are just like me - they just couldn't get it until their addiction beat them into absolute submission.  i've known a fair number as well who didn't beat the odds on what might have been their last run, who are now either in the ground or behind bars.

but there's just as many who were able to see the light and come in from the cold before all the wheels fell off their wagon.

you sound like your at a point where you can choose.  if your able to choose the softer and easier path, i suggest you do it.  the other way is very painful and very risky.

CATUF
1620
Helpful - 0
983679 tn?1276833336
its only 10 pills? did i read that correctly? If thats the case , you already know those pills are going to do nothing but get the wheels spining again, even if its 120 of them, THEY ARE GOING TO BE GONE BEFORE YOU KNOW IT and your addiction is going to be triggered again and you will be right back were you where in mid juky, pLEASE FLUSE THEM PILLS before you take them!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm sorry I spent most of my post talking about myself. I've only read posts in the past few months and haven't started posting until today. I guess I started by directing enthusiasm to Evacrednow because she had a similar experience and got sidetracked. I'll try my best to stay on subject now that I got a bit off my chest. thanks everyone.
Helpful - 0
1099361 tn?1258662257
I know how you feel.... Oh my..think of what you have gone through......  how things will get better...
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi,

As a working professional who developed a dependency to pain meds for legitimate reasons, I can really understand where you are.  Your scholarship is worth its weight in gold...think about that for a moment.  You can leave a great mark on society by contributing something good or relapse into a dependent and out of control situation where taking care of yourself will be difficult to say the least.

Goal setting really works well.  School, exercise, etc...

Just Do It!


Guy

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Oh my, your experience is near and dear to my heart. happened to me just an hour ago. Today should have been my first day of vicodin detox. I ran out early, tried to fill early and insurance denied it, which sent up red flags to the pharmacist. Spoke with him last night, told him I was filling it because I was taking a 17 day cruise from New Zealand to Hawaii(we addicts sure are creative, huh?). Even had my flight and cruise itinerary in hand. After a panic when he said he already paged my doc to get approval, I said oh, nevermind, I'll only be running 3 days short so just put it back and could you put it on autorefill for me? he said, sure, and looked as if he had no concerns. So, I talked to my husband, told him get ready for another weekend of withdrawals. He had everything ready for me, this would have been my 3rd detox in 4 months. I went thismorning to pick up my gabapentin(i have bulging discs and it helps the nerve pain) and guess what? The morning pharm. said, are you aware of the price of your 1 med? I said, oh yes, I am. She was holding my vicodin(120-7.5mg vicuprofen). I gladly paid 129 dollars and called my husband. He has taken custody of them to wean me. I told him I would do anything to get them. Not to listen to me. Allow only 5 for the next week(was taking 9-14 a day). 4 the week after and so on until they are gone. Thank God for him. You, the brave woman that you are, are clean. Don't go back, flush them, get rid of them, not in the garbage because we all know we'll pick through s*** to get them when we're jonesing. Flush them and good luck to you. Remember the pain, the despair, the lies and the person they made you. I read your post and see the progress you've made and it gives me hope. You have a beautiful, promising life ahead of you. Dont let them control you. Tell your mom you have them, anyone who knows, tell them and get rid of them. Congratulations on being clean
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Those 10 pills will do nothing but cause you emotional havoc.  They will call your name until you get rid of them....Go flush the rest.......sara
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you everyone for saying to get rid of them.  I'm not perfect, I saved ten of them, but I flushed the other 32.  Once they were in the bottom of the toilet bowl I was in disbelief, but also proud.  Even though I kept ten, flusing 32 pills that have *anything* opiate in them is a huge step for me.  Enormous.

But I'm not in denial about the ten.  I know I kept them.  Having 10 instead of 42 is at least a step.  Still thinking what to do with those.

Thank you for the support.  I am an addict.  It's so hard for me to talk about this kind of thing with non-addicts, aka, nearly everyone else in my life.  Thank you, really.  The support is wonderful.
Helpful - 0
684676 tn?1503186663
i am not one to say flush the pills usually, but you have been thrrough too much, PLZ. JUST FLUSH THE DAMN PILLS! you have so much goin for you.you will feel better after you do, and you probably wont feel much wd.......if any....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
YOU CAN DO THIS!!! You are much stronger now and know what you will go through if you take the pills. Please do it for yourself.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
DOUBLE FLUSH!  

You can do it.. Just go to the toilet... open the bottle... dump them in and FLUSH!

You've come THIS FAR... PLEASE don't GO BACK!  

July is alot of sobriety time.. and.. You have TOO much to LIVE FOR!

Much love and STRENGHT you way!
NorcoQueen
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
You are in control of you now......not your addiction.  Flush those pills.  You have come to far to let this get ahold of you again.  Make a list of all the things you are grateful for and all the good things that have come to you being clean.  You CAN flush them......keep talking to us.              sara
Helpful - 0
1096641 tn?1271707225
we're all standing with you ... giving you the courage you need to flush them! you will feel SOOO much better after you do.

i had to do it with crack once...I know how hard it is...believe me, I know.

but you CAN do this.

we're here with you...helping you to back away from the ledge
Helpful - 0
1095579 tn?1269470549
I agree, Please, flush them now.You can do it.
God Bless
Steve
Helpful - 0
541953 tn?1262586226
you need to flush the remaining norco's. having them are too much of a temptation. you shouldnt go into much w/d by only taking two. but be on the safe side and get rid of them now!
Helpful - 0
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495284 tn?1333894042
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