Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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906267 tn?1244743451

Very Depressed

Im on Day 12 clean.  Im really trying to get out of this depression and dont know how to do it.  I feel like i have completly lost myself to oxy's.  I dont know who i am, what i like, what makes me happy.  I have been with my husband for 13 years and feel like i dont even know him all of the sudden.  We moved away (so i could get away from the pills, which he does not know how bad it was).  I work from home now and just so depressed and so bored.  I dont know how to get back on track to be happy.  I dont know if the depression is because of the meds, or if i am really depressed.  I have ruined my life with those pills.  Now i dont know how to fix anything.  I am trying to take it one day at a time, but its just so hard.  Its almost like i felt nothing for the 4 years on the norco's and now im dealing with everything that i didnt deal with.  It seems to all be comming out at once.  I dont know how people just live sober and be happy.  All i want is to be happy.  I want my marriage back,  and my life back.  I do not want to touch those pills ever again, but i just want to be and feel happy.  I know i was not happy on them, but its almost like i could just deal with the unhappiness and it not even phase me.  
I just want to be happy...and find myself.
Can someone please give me some insight on this that has gone through this.  I feel like im the only one.  It seems like people are going through the withdrawls...and yes it has extremley hard.  But nobody really talks about the mental part of the addiction.  And fixing your life after.
Please help.
30 Responses
518031 tn?1295575374
You are dealing with the hardest part of coming off of opiates...we all went through what you are going through...you have to tremember you messed with your mind and it takes time to heal, i know it is hard and horrible, try keeping yourself busy, exericising is good gets the brain working..you have made  it this far you can do this keep posting and you will get all the support in the world here, try an aftercare program...remember your life will be so happy when you get through this hang tough and if you need to chat vent or whatever feel free to pm me anytime i am here everyday and often..God Bless and good luck...brian
Avatar universal
I think too many focus on only w/d's way to much also. Yes, it is hell for a week or so for most, but the mental battle, healing and adjustments we have to make after is by far the hardest part. Congrats on those 12 days, but that is so early in recovery and there are still not a lot of good days. I know for me the first month was hell, I did not want to leave the house, i was depressed and sickly. The cravings were so intense and I believed I was doomed.

What you are feeling is normal, quitting is one of the hardest things you will have to do, but I PROMISE, you will heal and start to feel like a new person again. I always say recovery is baby steps, we learn as we go and at first it is one day at a time. Believe in the revovery process, it took me years to make it far enough clean to see, but life is amazing again and in all honesty I did not think I could get it back. You will be happy again and recovery is also finding yourself , that is one of the best parts:) Try to stay positive and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel soon. This is the beginning of a better life for you:)
882970 tn?1549208689
yes yes the mental battle is the worst- and takes the longest to go away. I would recommend getting out of the house and joining a gym (working from home must be difficult as you are going through this) the exercise will help you and will also give you a purpose each day. I would also say to try an NA meeting- there are many people there with the same feelings.
Just as people above have said- you WILL get through this- we all have- just stay strong. the alternative was so much worse than this- always remember that. Eventually you will feel great again...
906267 tn?1244743451
Thank you so much for your quick responses.  I am going to keep posting, and hope you guys will stay with me.  I really need you guys.  Its so amazing to listen to the stories of people that have gone through this and can understand what i am going through.  

I am going to take your advise and start working out at the gym.  I am willing to try anything right now.

I will post again tomorrow.  And thank you guys so much for being here for me.  i wouldnt be able to do it without you!
518031 tn?1295575374
that's why we are here, we are addicts we know what you are going through we will be with you every step of the way just keep posting and updating us...brian
Avatar universal
I just wanted to say i have also been where you are...PLEASE beleive me when i say it will get better.. For me, many things came back, and feelings that were good, and bad...But by far, the biggest was guilt...This is what helped me, First 100%, this forum and great friends i have made.., I see a counsouler, who is actually in recovery as well, so she totally understands where i am coming from...then later i found a meeting that i love...I am not saying you need to do all of this , but i do beleive in some kind of aftercare..For me without aftercare, I know 100% I would have relapsed a long time ago..Even with all the time i have clean, things have happened in my life, that I never thought i could get through without pills...But i did!!  If i can do this , I know you can too!!  I look back now and can't believe how many pills i was taking, and money i was spending....OH-- and definetly exercise is a must...I don't go to the gym, but i do walk...Not as much as I did when i first got clean, but it made a hugh difference in my mental state...We are all here for you, so please post when you need to vent!!
good luck and hang in there
Avatar universal
You know the depression and sometimes anxiety comes with the w/d sometimes.  It did with me but I have allways needed an anti depressant, sense detox I am now taking more also.  It is not an easy or comfortable feeling and it seems to hang on awhile at times!  I wish it weren't true but I know that I messed with my brain taking the lortabs and it just got stuck in "one gear" for so long!  ya know?  I'm still trying to get out of second! lol

  Until I came on this forum, I had no idea of what awaited me.  I just thought "hey, I'm gonaget off the pills and then I will be fine after withdrawl"  man! how dumb was that!?  pretty dumb, I had no idea of after care, none at all until I came on here and by then I had already done my tapper and was on my way(through detox hell)  but then I started seeing there was soooooo much more to it. I remember thinking "damn, I don't always want to feel like this!!! this ***** rocks!!" and it did!  I just thought that I didn't want to live like this, always so needy, pathetic, self loathing, dumb lady!  I felt weak, not strong! Defeated by the opiate, and I hated my dr. who prescribed them to me and then told me that I was an addict!  well,duh!!! ( but he didn't make me take them, I asked for pain relief and by D### he gave it to me!)    For the last time in my life I felt like a virgin,  lol  , I didn't know I could'nt just detox and skip on my merry little way,  NO!  this is gonna hurt like hell for awhile!!   and it did too!  lol   I still think of the past 3 plus months and how I have wrestled with my emotions, how I want to help others as well as be helped by others.  I am alive and I am going to be okay, I am just stubborn that way, and I sure won't tell any body that it is easy cause it takes guts to do.  A knowledge that "we just don't want this any longer" so when you're feeling really bad, come read my post, this post and know that you or anyone else reading this , is NOT alone.

890982 tn?1259091185
Have you gone to any NA meetings?  I don't know much about NA, but I've been in AA for 23 years, and the meetings are just as much about recovery and the life after as they are about quitting.  Having a sponsor, someone who's been clean for years and who you could call 24/7, could be a real life-saver (literally) at this point.
442658 tn?1563386491
hi there...give yourself time...it will lift...i thought i would be depressed forever...it was very hard to get through but some how we make it one day at a time...every clean day is a reward.  our brains really get screwed up during use...it could be different for you but it took maybe 6 / 7 weeks to feel pretty good....try to do some daily physical activity. maybe pick up a hobby, and laughter....laughter will really make your brain feel good...hang in there...a few weeks compared to a lifetime a freedom...maria
906267 tn?1244743451
I just moved to a new state and am looking into NA meetings.  I am really scared to go for some reason.  I dont know what it is.  I never saw myself as an addict but now realize that i am an addict.  I thought i would go through the withdrawls and thought that was going to be the worse part.  I have gone through them several times, but never lasted long enough to feel the emotional withdrawls.  Now im def feeling it.  I never imagined while i was high...how much i was distroying my life.  
I am 30 years old...Lived in Floirda my whole life, and moved away to get away from it all.  I know nobody here.  I almost feel that i took on to much at one time.  But know this is was the only way.  I am so proud of myself, but hate these feelings.
I really really appreciate all of you guys responding.  
Again...I really need you guys right now...and thank you so much.
917008 tn?1251223979
Well, that's why we started taking the damn things -- maybe just for a "high" at first, but then "I'm depressed ... better take a pill!" or "I can't stand working here! Maybe I'll do a couple of pills!" and pretty soon you're always anxious, cause you know you're stuck in addiction, so you take a few more pills, and they become the reward for everything, they get you through your boring day, you've got to the other side of town to pick up your supply, and you're not elated, just relieved, and you start hating everything, especially yourself with your pills, and wasn't that a long sentence?

So, yeah -- sitting around thinking about it is going to make it worse, so you have to get out and do things that seem, in advance, to be not worth the effort ... but maybe you're not thinking about them all the time and you have some pretty interesting revelations about yourself.

I'm still trying to get off the treadmill, but there always seems to be an excuse -- or a good reason to wait a bit, but I know the tapering isn't working very well. I have a whole mess of big issues right now, and I'm determined to post here in 10 days to state that I've stopped, and I need your help. I need all the help I can get.
917008 tn?1251223979
By the way -- 12 days clean is really an accomplishment. You should be proud of yourself.

Find some old photos and look at yourself, back when you didn't have to deal with this mess. A pat on the back, alf ... keep in touch.
917008 tn?1251223979
Go to Pogo Euchre, rent goofy DVD's, get back in touch with your old friends, and keep coming here.

I'm counting on you.
917083 tn?1247794755
i have been turned away by doctors while trying to get treatment for depression while being an active addict or newly sober.  if you already suffered from anxiety and depression the oxy surely compounded the situation or created it all together. i am newly clean and suffered from and am still suffering from depression and anxiety. i know exactly how you feel. what the hell am i supposed to do if im not using, what else is there. i drove to cleveland and stuck a needle in my arm to feel numb every day for 8 years. now what. im a stay at home dad now, i havent worked for a year so i know the boredom and frustration your feeling. it so true, we take the drugs so we dont have to deal with life or things that make us uncomfortable and as a result when we stop we have no coping mechanisms. every day just do one thing. go outside for  5 minutes and be proud of that, own that, you did it even though you didnt feel like it. after a week do something for 15 minutes even though you feel like ****. just do it anyway. get up out of bed when you feel like all you want to do is die and thank god for your life. ive found that doing the smallest kind deeds gives me a sense of worth. im sure you feel guilty and worthless right about now. i know i did. i take every chance i get to help someone, take out the neighbors trash, hold the door for an old lady, drop some clothes off at goodwill. for 10 months after quitting i felt like i didnt know my girlfriend or myself and i wanted to curl up in a ball and cry ever day. the past month has been life changing. i am eating every health food known to man, i go to counseling every week. im in pre-treatment at the local treatment center waiting to  start intensive outpatient 4 days a week from 6-9. i love it. i love going every thursday right now and being a part of something and taking responsibility for my recovery. i feel good most of the time. i am on wellbutrin and tranxene(benzo) for anxiety but im being weened off. i find i dont need it every day anymore. i am finding joy in life again.  it took months and i relapsed several times cuz i couldnt take the pain but im finally doing it. the guilt and fear is leaving me. i feel worthy of love and dont ever forget that you are too. the drugs turn us into someone else and its hard to say goodbye to that person and your addiction. it is a loss. its like a death in the family. at first. then its ******* freedom!!!!!  stay clean, please. i know it feels like the end of the world but its the beginning. I PROMISE!!! DONT GIVE UP!!
913054 tn?1242955793
The mental part of addiction is by far the hardest part of recovery. The W/D only last a couple weeks (if we're lucky), but the mental part, the memories of what we've done, why did we do it, how COULD we have done it, , etc seems to last a very long time and is the worst to deal with. You are having to face yourself now.....just you.....not someone who is living their life ever how the Oxy's dictated it.  But if you're like me, I WANT to find out who I really am, not who the pills say I am and how I should act, talk and behave like.

The first Rehab I went to was the hardest because I had 3 distinct personalities, I had taken so many pills for so long, I had no idea which personality would exihibt itself that day. Everybody else could tell and wondered who I would be too...lol. They really didn't like the personality who was hateful and mean, who cursed everyone out at the drop of a hat!

Life is a journey and sometimes we get off on side roads which have a lot of pot holes and arent' very clear as where the road is leading.  How we get back on the main road of life is sometimes extremely hard to do, but it sounds to me like you are definetely on that right road back!  The road back will have some pot holes too, so don't let them side track you, they are only temporary and you will be able to sail over many of them without damaging your heart. I'll be praying for you.

Only by His Grace, Willow
913054 tn?1242955793
I am sooooooo very proud of you!!!!!!

The things you say drive home how much work there is after the initial W/D period. God knows it's one of the hardest things a person will ever have to go through in life, to find out who WE are without all the pills in our system. I've found out that I'm not so danged bad after all...lol. A pretty good old broad actually!!! Let your heart dictate your recovery, not your physical feelings and that is what you're doing. The key is doing nice things to help others and when we start actually trying to come up with ideas as to how we can help someone else, our problems seem insignificant compared to most these days. However, I hve found, no matter what is going on with others, we still have to deal with ourselves also, but it makes it much easier when much of our time is spent on loving, caring and helping others. Keep on staying clean and let us know how you are doing!!!!

Only by His Grace, Willow
Avatar universal
Welcome to this place, I just joined in May as well, I read your post and all the responses and it was very helpful to me too. I want to get off of these pills so badly; I just hate what they've done to me too. 13 days is amazing! Keep it up. One of my biggest fears is getting depressed when I get off of these, I'm so afraid of it, and I know it will come, it was great to hear the other people say it comes, but it goes away too! I was leery about NA as well, but I had gone to AA and I was afraid to talk, so when I went to the NA meeting and heard other people like me talk about their pills and their heroin and their addiction to narcotics, I finally felt like I was safe and it felt okay to talk about my shameful addiction, so I was so glad I went, I currently go to AA more, but I will continue to go to an NA from time to time. I hope you try it, what the heck, whaddya got to lose..... I think you’re doing great.  I’m going to wean for about 3 weeks or so then take the plunge and QUIT and I will use this place to for support - there are a lot of kind, caring, supportive people here who have been thru the same thing as us, so.... feel free to email me back if you wish. Take care.
917083 tn?1247794755
thanks for the support. this is my first day on here. ive tried other forums but they were always old and never worked. this helps. i find i am thinking about recovery and how to get it instead of H and how to get it. thats new, but welcome. i dont know your situation or drug of choice but thanks again and good luck. this is a good place to be. i cant always get to a meeting and i jones for recovery. i love it. im a grown *** man and im still brought to tears by the positives that have come out and the stories of triumph over this deadly disease. thanks for the advice and your right we cant forget about ourselves.
913054 tn?1242955793
I'm new as well, but feel I've found a home. Mine was pain  and sleeping pills,  some of the worst.  I nearly died 3 times, was in 2 Rehabs and 1 hospital, and have several physical problems due to the pills, so oh yeah, pills can kill too.

The picture of your little baby?  That was how years ago when I was first married that I became sober(alcohol) for 35  years(then turned to drugs later..),  having my 3 little sons in my life. They deserved as good a life as I could give them.

Just wanted to wish you a very good day and if you need me, I'm here, because believe me, with chronic pain and insomnia, I'm always "craving" so I understand, still tryin to find something that works to help with the pain and to sleep, but yet not be bombed out!!    Willow
906267 tn?1244743451
Ok...everyone..I want to know what you guys think.
As i have said previously i have completly lost myself (what makes me, me.  what makes me happy, sad...ect.)
With that said...Going through this, of course i need to find myself again.  I also have a relationship to try to mend.  How did you guys work on this?  Did you work on yourself first?  Or did you work on your relationship which in turn helped work on your self?  Im so lost!  
I personally think i should work on myself before relationships i have ruined.  But i dont know if working on relationships will help find myself.
Does that make any sense??
Avatar universal
alfred1234.. oh boy do I know where you are right now.. someone said to me on this forum that getting clean is one of the most selfish things they ever had to do in their life and she was right.. Me too--cause like you said.. lots and lots and lots of work you have to do now on yourself.. I am just *beginning* all this work on myself now, 8 months in.. I dont know what to tell you is the best way to go about mending relationships etc.. All I can do is offer support and tell you I do know what its like to feel like a stranger in your own life..Like sobriety turned on a big bright flourescent light in your life.. But I think that working on you and getting to the bottom of your issues, will ultimately help in facilitating all the other amends you have to make.. I wish you the best of luck, take care!  
906267 tn?1244743451
Its so hard to think about what to do...What do i do what do i do.  And your so right, I am a stranger in my own life.  I just hope that one day i will be able to come out of this and be HAPPY.  I have a ton of work ahead of me.  I just need to figure out how to do so!
Thanks for your response!
906267 tn?1244743451
I wish you guys could go to my first NA meeting with me :O(
Avatar universal
There will be plenty of people just like those here at your NA to help you through.  I have
not been to any yet, but am thinking strongly about starting or at least trying them.  I think, I can get through this on my own in time, but what could it hurt to talk with others that have been right where we are.  The work ahead of you will be hard, but from my last
3 months, I think it is worth it.  The jury is still out, but I think it will get better.  I hope yours gets better soon as well.
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