Hello everyone, I'm new here...just found this site searching the internet for any help or support I could find. I've decided to quit taking the vic's and perc's which this week will be a year of taking them. I took them once before but never like this. I actually started taking them again when I delivered my daughter, almost a year ago. They gave them to me in the hospital and I quickly began abusing them shortly thereafter. I am so disappointed in myself and just want to be a good mother. It's a vicious circle because I want to stop this abuse for my daughter, don't ever want her to know or feel any ramifications from it, but at the same time, every time I stop, I feel like such crap and can't do anything, at home or at work. I can barely pick my child up to change her diaper, let alone enjoy her or have a nice time with her. So, I start up again to stop the discomfort and extreme lack of energy so I can keep up with her. After about an hour, I feel much better again and we have a great time. I have wasted so much money on this addiction I could have probably paid off all of my bills including my car! It's gotten to the amount of $120 every 2-3 days if I stretch it out. I have a very good job who offers plenty of overtime which has helped me afford much of this but at the same time, I am extremely afraid of losing it. Yet, another of many reasons I have to stop this. I'm so scared though...I've tried to call and set up an appt to get back on the antidepressant I was on previously because it seemed to help me back then, but they can't get me in for almost 2 months. I went to my jobs CONCERN to talk to someone as I am extremely depressed (lost a parent shortly after my child was born, in addition to many other things) but I obviously cannot tell them the real reason I am there, so that's kind of pointless actually. I would like to get my old life back, the one where I enjoyed things all on their own, not because I had 20 vics on hand. I had such a passion for life and enjoyed everything about it. I loved to get out and do things...I guess that is part of the problem as well. When we had our baby, there was no more getting in the car and just "going"...which used to be a great coping skill for me. I'd plan trips, go get my nails done, go shopping, go out to eat, etc...then all that had to stop when we had our daughter because of course, that's just what happens. I'm fine with that now, I did go through some depression and getting used to that for a couple of months but I'm adjusted to the new lifestyle now and love our family. I guess my point of writing that part is that I'm not sure what to do this time to "cope". I can't do the same things I used to be able to do to get me through something like this. Any and all suggestions or words of wisdom, support would be greatly appreciated...or just someone saying they are going through something similar right at this very moment or that they did go through this and survived. I wish I could go get professional help but my career path is one that does not allow such a thing. I can't even tell anyone about this except my significant other. I feel so alone in this, which if I don't find someone to talk to soon I don't know what I'm going to do. Thanks. God bless all of you in your endeavors as well...xoxo