WHY DO I KEEP DOIN THIS TO MYSELF??

[hjt101]

I not posted on here for some time. I have recently been caught up in a relapse on H and now find myself goin thru wd for what feels like the zillionth time. I have spent the last 3yrs getn a few months clean time here & there, goin to NA meetins, workin a prog but........every time I get so far (6months being the farthest) I get disallusioned with meetins, start judgin people, thinkin this isnt for me, etc etc Usually after relapse I have no problem in goin back but this time.......I just dont know if I can or if I even want to.  I last used on sat afternoon so the wd has kicked in bigstyle now. Im sitn here with my eyes popn out of my head, restless legs, etc it could be worse I know as I have experienced much worse withdrawal b4. I went to a meetin a wk or so a go but just felt really uncomfortable. A friend who I have known since I was 17 and who is also in NA has been caln me every single day for the past wk & I have just ignored the calls. I have txtd my sponsor but likewise when she calls me back (as I have very little credit on my phone I also ignore her calls. What the hell is wrong with me. I know I cant do this on my own, I have sat in my flat for days on end just starin at nothin really. Im miserable when Im usin & having experienced clean time b4 I know my life is so much beta. This time when back out there I let my family down and now my bruv & sis in law are not speakin to me and Im not getn to see my nephews which breaks my heart. My mum met up with me on sat for the first time in about 6wks so at least Im makin sum headway with her. But I see it in her eyes that she cant take this anymore, continually getn a bit of hope then I just throw it all away again.
Im not even really sure if I know what Im tryin to say here, Im even scared to post on some other sites that I would normally post on as I feel such a failure for continually relapsin. I feel like people dont want to know anymore even in the meetins. I know its my disease tryin to take me away from what is good for me but I still keep fighting against it.
Im so lonely & miserable I dont know where to turn to next.
xx

[avisg]

You are not a failure you have a problem .You can be anything you choose to be You know how hard it can be and you also know it can be done .Call your sponsor get out of your flat for a while you are isolating yourself and getting even more depressed .We will help you threw this no judgement we have all struggle you just have to find your way we will be here to help.

[daisy699]

Well I would advise you get off that H and back on the horse!! I have 87 days clean from h so I know the loneliness you feelBUT you hit the nail on the head saying your disease wants you alone!! Ask yourself this,if it were ur drug dealer calling or a using friend I bet u would have mins to pic up and talk to them!! Take the leap and try to get over your fear and t.t the people reaching out to you that want to see u succeed! i do believe it's your disease making u uncomfortable and not wanting to walk back into a meeting! try a diff 1 that 1 u may have gone 2 b4? Believe me ppl at meetings are glad to see ppl make it back and are welcoming if u allow them to b we see ppl come and go it's part of the territory1 You have to really ask yourself HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH??? Once you get through this wd u NEVER have to do it again!! Good Luck and hang in there start taking control of ur life again instead of letting an addiction control u!!