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Avatar universal

Waiting for the hatred of my DOC to kick in

This is sad. I still don't hate those pills. I still feel like I have lost a friend. I want to hate them - I want to never want them again - I want the cravings to stop!  I know with every ounce of my soul how awful these drugs are. My head knows this, but something, my brain? my heart? something inside of me won't let go of the "need/want" for them. I understand how it takes time, longer for some than for others, but patience is apparently not one of my virtues. Energy is what I need. Motivation. I have so many great things in my life that are so much more important to me than drugs so why can't I shake the want?
20 Responses
Avatar universal
I still love my DOC.  I quit using crack and heroin 15 years ago and I still think of them.  I think I will always remember the high.  I mean, the reason we get addicted to this stuff is because it feels good.  It is easier, however, each and every day, week, year to remember how it ruins our lives.  The legal troubles, criminal records, the fear and distrust of our families.........w/d *****, but it iss small in comparison to everything else we lose (or give up for the drugs).
It will get better, I promise.  I don't think anyone would stay clean if it didn't.  What worked for me was getting a job, going back to school, and redirecting my focus.  Eventually, I began to get excited about what was in front of me and became more fearful of losing everything.  Hang in there.  I will be thinking of you.  And yes, you CAN do this.
Avatar universal
I had a love/hate relationship with mine for a long time.  I knew how bad it was, but I still felt like I couldn't live without it.  It is like a bad relationship!  You loved the person and miss them, but you know you don't need them in your life....ya know?

It gets easier!  Just hang in there!  You're doing good!
Avatar universal
This is where some recovery care is very important. Whichever you choose:therapist,physician,AA/NA...you need to do something.  Not all of us can hate our DOC but you will once your focus is totally on recovery and better health.

Check out some options for support in your area...okay?

V. xo
1253584 tn?1332877954
This is so funny u posted this. I was thinking about this the other day.... I don't hate the pills.. I hate the methadone with all my heart and soul but I can't say that about the pills.. I'm 18 days clean and it started out very smooth and now it's gotton to b a struggle.. I think it would b easier if I hated the pills, they got me where I am today and they have gotton me nto trouble n the past. I feel like it's part of recovery to hate the pills..
495284 tn?1333894042
Sit down a write a goodbye letter to those pills.  There is a form of grieving that happens when we stop.  Patience is also another thing we arent very good at as we like the instant gratification.  Recovery is a slow process.  Try and focus on your recovery and all the good things that are happening.  I know this is easier said than done but you can do it......It will get better so just hang in there.          sara
725350 tn?1318680468
I know Vicki and I (amongst others) are always preaching it, but AA/NA would work wonders for this. We did give up our best friend and we need a sufficient substitute for it. I have been clean over 14 months and I never hated my drug of choice. I did however make the decision to do something about it and got into the NA program.

Just because we stop using doesn't mean that is going to change our minds and attitudes back to that of "normal". We have to do something in order for that to happen. For me it's AA/NA, for others it's addiction therapy. Do something that works for you.
1253584 tn?1332877954
I've only gotton to see my addiction councelor once since I've been clean bc he went on vacation but when I see him on tues, we r going to hav alot to talk about lol.. This is a good post!!!!
Avatar universal
Thanks for your responses. I have been feeling like there is something wrong with me for wanting them and i've been feeling pretty alone. Somehow it's comforting to know that what i am feeling is normal. I am close to my 30 day mark and I dont want to screw it up now. If I can stop thinking about it then I will be that much better off.  
1351082 tn?1479840132
I think what you are feeling is so normal especially early in recovery..like I said before I didnt hate my D.O.C. right away either, because mentally I didnt see what harm they had really done to me, but the longer I was clean and through many hours of counseling, and all the group therapy and N/A meethngs I attended everything became so much clearer to me and I looked back on what those drugs did to me and my family and I grew very very angry towards the drugs and towards the Dr who dished them out to me like candy...We are all different and these drugs affect us in different ways, my last couple yrs of using was horrible but I didnt realize it at the time, I isolated, I got so darn skinny because I didnt want to eat,  I wasnt there for my husband or my children and my grandchildren,it just took away years of my life,  they now tell me things like my daugher n law came over one day and I was sitting on my bed in the dark staring at the TV but it wasnt even on and I dont even remember that,,I was a zombie so to speak...she said she went to my son and just cried...shorty after that my son intervened Thank God..that's just one of the many things there is so much more....I could go on and on but I wont you get the pic. You just hang tough and think back a little...you really need some aftercare Im telling you it will help, this is to hard to go it alone....You stay strong and it will get better..I am here for you..shine
Avatar universal
DAY 28 and i am still doing it. I am going to a meeting today because I can no longer to this alone and i dont want to start over. pray for me all I feel like i am slipping  into a dangerous mind set.
Avatar universal
hey (can do this) you will be in my prayers god has what has brought me to where im at with relativly no pain at all the power of prayer is the only reason behind it im adding you to my prayer list at my church so your gonna have oh say 180 people or so praying for you to have strenth to get through this you can do it youve went this far its just mental stuff now get to those meetings they will help and find something to keep your self busy instead of just thinking about those little devils get some exercise just take a walk it will do wonders to clear your head you will be in my prayers Free...
617347 tn?1331293081
Hi...don't feel scared now. Going to a meeting is one of the best things you could be doing for yourself at this stage :)

you need help and you need now working hard on the mental part of this battle. Those thoughts you are having don't fade away by miracle, they stop when we work with the right type of thoughts and it's quite an exhausting mental work.... having someone to guide you through it will only add to your wellbeing and your recovery. Be positive that you are going to conquer these thoughts too.  
Avatar universal
Thanks - your reponses are getting me through a tuff day!
Avatar universal
You will have tough days, but don't forget the good days that you have had!  Also, don't forget how you felt the first week... You have come so far!  I am proud of you for going to a meeting.  That is a big step,  YOU CAN DO THIS!!!  Your 30 day mark is right around the corner, mine was yesterday.  

Don't slip into that mindset- stay strong!  Remember, I just told you that you are a rockstar (without the rockstar lifestyle)!
Avatar universal
Congratulations!! you are doing fantastic. You are realizing the pull of the pills and understand how the withdrawal is a mental addiction as well as physical. The endorphins produced from opiods are similar to the feelings we get from a new love relationship. It is like breaking up with a loved one. Our brains get rewired to believe we need that in our lives to feel whole no matter how toxic the situation actually is. I had a heroin habit that I was able to kick. I look back and try to understand why I actually fell victim to it. I dont really remember having fun on it. I dont remember any good because of it, but I still get cravings every now and then. Its almost like I broke up with someone I love and never had closure. Im 4 months sober and am still gaining ground on reclaiming my life and finances. This is a time to re-invent yourself and find out who you really are. I started fishing to give me time alone reflect on things in my life...so far all I have done is drown allot of worms and no fish but just the time alone is good for me. :-)
Avatar universal
thank you for the notes. ( poor worms). I am at work but checking in often as I feel my resolve crumbling. Cant wait for that meeting later this afternoon. I guess because I am post surgical - I had a bone removed from my ankle and the tendon that holds my arch up reattached to another bone - I just came back to work from 8 weeks off and I pushed the Doc to send me back to work because i could not be home alone with the cravings any longer. I still have pain and that makes me want them too but if I am honest I can control the pain with aleve and advil. So it's my charming little brain trying to trick me into feeding it. I have a hard time with these damn cravings but I swear to myself that I can beat them. I have to right? there is not another choice.
Avatar universal
HI .....its great your going to go to a meeting....this will really help you once you start to get pro/active in your recovery....so many try and do this without aftercare and struggle
for that reason...you will find it a lot ezer as you work the program...it really helps to have someone in person to talk with...you wont feel so all alone in this anymore remember to give the meetings a chance it may take a few b/4 your completely comfortable and open up...but once you do a flood of emotions will come out and a great weight that you have been caring will be lifted....im so happy to here your surrendering to doing this...this is the missing puzzle piece ....once in recovery you begin to heal the real demons in side us that drive us to crave the high in the first place...this is a huge step in your recovery I wish you all the best good luck and God bless.....Gnarly  
Avatar universal
There is nothing wrong with you for craving your "BFF."  These pills are nasty, but here is the rub:  When I visit my pain doc, I see people coming in who are almost bent in half, with walkers, canes, pain etched on their faces, etc., and half these folks are younger than me!  These aren't a bunch of seniors!  I am sure many are on disability.  And right now, it seems that 1) pain management is a multi-billion $$ industry: and 2) docs don't have a lot in their arsenals to treat pain but pills.  That raises a rhetorical question:  federal funding goes toward research for heart disease, cancer, MS, spina bifida, etc etc. - but how much goes toward pain management?  The makers of these pills have powerful lobbies, and if non drug cures for pain were developed, Eli Lilly, Merck, Pfizer, etc. would scream bloody murder.    Just a thought - OK, I'll get off my soapbox.

1351082 tn?1479840132
Hey sorry I havent posted on here lately but I am here and I'm telling you your doing great, good for you going to a meeting it really should help you, the mental part of this really stinks, our minds are so powerful but we gotta keep up the fight.  LOOK at you, look how far you have come, I am so sorry about your ankle I know how hard that must be but your doing it as hard as it is....You keep going strong and listen to what all these good people have to say...I will say a prayer for you, your gonna be A OK..let me know how your meeting went..Take Care..Love Ya ...shine
199177 tn?1490498534
so true you can do this on your own and you write it still very early in recovery give yourself more time .go to the meetings and supplements and exercise you can get really helps .remember we abuse are body a lot it takes time to undo what we have done .
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495284 tn?1333894042
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