Well... I'm done...

[bettermomma]

Well, I'm done! Tuesday made my 90 day milestone, and Wednesday made me crumble. I don't have the strength to fight this battle anymore. I've pushed myself far beyond my limits and then some... I just don't see the light... the goal... has faded... I honestly don't know what I'm fighting for...

My life fells like it's in ruins! Like there's some kind of conspiracy going on, and the only plot, is against me!

No matter what I do ... say ... where I go... I'm assumed to be doing something wrong! I will never be allowed to forgive myself, because the most important people in my life can't forgive me... no I am not perfect. Yes I have and still do make mistakes ... but I am human! For godsakes! My addiction has made many of my lived ones lose faith in me... give up hope... be ashamed... I guess that makes me a failure... I can't handle all of this! I am no longer in control! I just wish this was over... whatever this is... I don't know... but I want it to be over.

[Littlelegs2003]

My triggers are also arguments with ones I care about (I am so bad at confrontations that it's actually laughable! I cry just thinking about potential confrontations!!) and my friends leaving me out/forgetting about me/holding grudges/going drinking when they know I can't. Sometimes it just seems like they're trying to punish me. Or rub my past in my face. I try telling myself that I let them down SOOOO many times when I was using - they've got used to functioning without me. Also - maye they've got a right to bear a bit of a grudge...? But it still hurts like hell. I forgive too easily - I'm always desperate to please, even if someone else is at fault! I've been called self-centred a lot. And fair enough when I was using. But, it's like, they're all so busy pointing out my previous faults, they can't be bothered acknowledging the good part of me, the part of me that quit. I'm perpetually the screw-up.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say (self-centred as always!) is that I get what you're saying & what you're going through. I don't have any solutions, unfortunately - just ton an tons of empathy!!

It's a lot easier to be the screw-up than it is to be the one wronged against. And like me, you probably want the life back that you had before you were an addict - when people still trusted you & hadn't given up on you as a lost cause.

I don't know how to please myself (ok - that sounds a bit dodgy!) I only know that up til now, I'd do anything for those I care about. Just ately - it seems like I'm getting nothing back.

Sobriety really makes you look at the relationships in your life and, I swear that some of my "friends" actually prefer the addicted, screw-up version of me - it makes them look so good by comparison!

I'll stop ranting now :-) I wish you so much love & luck.

Haze

[minn66]

Hi bettermama,

So here I am up early yet again. Stupid argument over nothing with hubby last night. I just want to crawl into a hole (ok, a chalet in Gatlinburg would be nice) and just stay there. I am tired of obligations and demanding people. I know you can't run away but I want to so bad. I really think I need it for my sanity. My ez-husband (big time trigger) called last night insinuating I don't do enough for our son. What a joke. Anything "he" does for our son his mother pays for. Then hubby gets mad because I didn't tell him about ex calling me, like I am keeping some kind of secrets.

Argggh! I just can't take it anymore. I once read that while you can't please everyone, you can please yourself. To heck with what everyone wants. I am going to start pleasing myself.

Sorry for the rant but I feel like you all are the only ones who understand.

Thanks for listening and I love you all,

Minn

[n8tiv_ndn]

Hey better     Don't disappear on us.......you have more than earned an equal share on this forum.....we all have.....90 days is a really significant mark...SUPER JOB.....i look up to you for that little sister...quite an accomplishment under the best of circumstances much less under duress of trying to take care of kids and all the other BS life throws at us......sounds to me like something only someone who was a really strong person and in touch with who you are on the inside where it matters most would be able to accomplish.....honor yourself rather than seeking validation from those around you.......the respect and honor from others will come with time...I know patience *****......but it is a very important thing to have.....I struggle with it myself,,,,,but I'm getting better as time goes by....peace and prayers to you and yours.......peace

[bettermomma]

I'm trying as hard as I can (without falling apart) just to keep the trembling out of my voice. I really need support, but all I'm getting is rejection! I've tried to "earn" a spot at the round table, so to speak, but I'm being shut out into the kitchen. This is extremely hard for me! I mean rejection is my worst enemy, and a huge trigger for me, and everyone that knows me, knows that... it's like they thrive off of my misery or something! Ugh! This is soooooooo frustrating! I just feel like disappearing, maybe then, they'll all see what I was really worth... then again... maybe not...

[misslife]

I can only say two things. Awesome on 90 days ( mine is tomorrow )  way to go!!!!
And
Don't give up 90 wonderful long days of clean time for minutes of " pleasure "
Be strong!!!!

[IwillDoThis]

I echo what everyone has said, sometimes those past hurts to those we love take time to forgive, the trust has to be earned back and that takes time.  90 days is huge but in the scheme of life it is a drop in the bucket, keep moving ahead and don't let hopelessness take this hard fought 90 days away from you.  If you keep moving forward, they will come along eventually.  Stand up for yourself and let them know they have no concept of what you are going through, you are trying and you need their support - at this point they are either with you or against you - ask them which is it?  You need to focus on you and no one else right now.  I'm pulling for you!

[bettermomma]

I agree with both of you. Although it's just easier to be the guilty one, and allow everyone else to play victim. What about me? I mean no one thinks that I need to take care of me. They're all telling me that I'm being selfish, that I'm not caring about anything, that I'm the one who needs to think about everyone else... WTF have I Bern doin then?! I feel like telling them all to f off... but I care too much! I mean... yes I was a different person on drugs. I WAS... not I AM! Why can't they see that? I've made changes... a lot of changes... for the better, and all I'm asking for is alil credit for what I've accomplished. I only ask for them to leave the past... in the past! I'm a new person, am I not allowed to be proud of myself? I want to be recognized for who I've become, not the actions that made me want to be reborn. I guess in life, fairness is not an option for rhem, and these are people I love. Dispite the way they treat me, or the flaws they have, my love is unconditional, is it really too much for me to ask the same?

[NorthEast213]

Sad and Minn...    In my opinion there is nothing selfish about taking care of yourself first....  If the people in your life are worth it not only will they accept it but they will help you along the way.   Take care of yourself first.. then worry about others.   Now I need to take my own advice but that's a different story!

Hang in there momma...

Sean

[minn66]

Bettermama, I so get what you're saying! Once my pastor told me that the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. I cried when he told me that because for me at least, it is true. The people who constantly remind us of our past are toxic, yet I know sometimes we can't avoid them.

Some may think it is selfish, but I am going to concentrate on me for a while. I believe we all need that. So often we are consumed with pleasing everyone else that we neglect us.

I am going to resolve to be better to myself. We are human and make mistakes. The Good Lord also forgives us, so if He can then so can we.

Stay strong. We can make it through together!

[dominosarah]

It is easier to point out other peoples problems than taking a look at their own issues.  None of them are perfect no matter how much they think they are.  You do have alot to show yourself and the world.  Dont let them destroy you.  Hopefully in time they will move on to someone else.  I know this is easier said than done but you have it more together than they do.  You are dealing with your own issues, they are sitting back wallowing in their own sh!t.  You hold your head high momma, you have much to be proud of.  Take a stand for you, you are worth it~~sara

[bettermomma]

Don't be sorry Minn, you did nothing wrong... you have written almost everything that I'm feeling and going thru! I can no longer argue at the fact that I'm guilty of my past... it would just ease my mind if I didn't have those who speculate, crawl down my throat 24/7! I don't have the energy for anyone else! I barely have enough for myself, let alone those that poke and pry! Ya know, it's not fair, how selfish people are... I mean, they've been "perfect" or so they put on to be. Why can't they just leave me be... let me fix myself... let me heal! I've got a lot to offer the world, if they'd just gimme the chance. $#%& selfish people! Ugh!

[minn66]

I am really glad you posted this because I am going through the same thing. I just couldn't exactly figure out what it is. The part about other people especially. A lot of people don't know what I've done, but I do have toxic people in my life that I simply (or not so simply) need to deal with and I sometimes feel like I can't. I have anxiety and don't feel quite right. Hubby tries, bless his heart, to understand. I worry a lot and he says I am worrying myself to death. I think I now truly get what that saying means.

The meds shielded me from a lot. The physical wd was horrible and I don't want to repeat that. At this point I honestly don't want the meds. I have people tell me I'm not myself. I'm not sure who that is anymore.

I have debated with myself for quite a while about taking a leave of absence from work and concentrating on treating my health issues and individual counseling. I am the kind of person who takes pride in her work and have strived for this career. I had gone back to school when I was 30 and got my degree. I believe I have done an excellent job and I had the respect of both management and the user-base. Now, I feel burnt out. I tried to schedule PT appointments and such to minimize my time away from work and you would not believe how many appointments I changed because of meetings or canceled due to a deadline. So, as much as I feel like I am letting people down, I am taking that leave.

I thought quitting the meds would somehow give me my life back. I am glad I quit, and it is true. I got my life back, only I don't like it.

I am so sorry for the book I just wrote. I didn't mean to hijack the thread. Yet, when I saw this thread I related and before I knew it the words came pouring out. Lol, that's a lot of words to type using your phone!

Thanks for reading and being here. You all are the best.

Love and hugs and blessings,

Minn

[gunn73]

using wouldn t make it better either rather it would even take away whats yet to come or what u really can achieve.
stay strong concentrate on ur recovery despite of what others might think or say. u r doing it for urself first then for others. they will appreciate u one day. so i guess it is worth quitting even if that appreciation is for 1 day.
take care.

[gnarly_1]

HEY you to soon to throw in the towel you just learning how to be clean as for others F/THEM Your a new creature you changed your ways as Dara says actions speak louder the words it may take a wile for some to come around and some may never thats there problem your not always going to feel nice and fuzzy in recovery there are some hard parts and hard feelings to deal with .....I will tell you this we all went threw it and it is worth it in the end if no more to be able to look yourself in the mirror and say im clean you have many struggles ahead im not going to lye but each one comes with a victory you win .....all you can control is what you do how you respond ans your own actions like Sara says stay away from toxic people surround yourself with people in recovery or those that believe in you look to God for siginfacacase he excepts you just the way you are your going to make it 90 days is just the beginning give it a chance good luck and God bless.......Gnarly  

[dominosarah]

Dont give anyone the power to control you momma.  I know this is so very hard and it hurts like he!! but in time our actions speak louder than words.  Sometimes we have to step away from those people who just try to drag us down.  They see the changes you have made and it is uncomfortable for them but that is their problem, dont make it yours.  I have some people who bring up my past all the time too and i will be guilty everytime.  We dont live there anymore.  Learning to love ourselves and forgiving ourselves takes time and when it finally happens it is very liberating.  You have 90 days clean, be proud of that.  Be kind to yourself my friend~~sara

[Bkitty]

I finally realized in the last few days what self preservation really means. I know how bad you hurt. How you feel like a complete failure and the world is against you,,,how every way you turn you hit a wall,,people who are unforgiving and selfish. Its not fair,,is it? Then someone mentioned to me the other day "self preservation". I had NO idea what they meant. I looked it up and then it clicked. Self preservation is a behavior that that ensures survival of a person. There was no way I would survive this addiction if I didnt change my behavior. You do what you got to do to protect your sobriety now,,whatever it takes. You also have to forgive yourself,,all of you. I was mortified with how I treated people on drugs and what I did,,everything. I have finally forgivin myself,,that didnt happen overnight. I struggled too like you have the first 90 days,,it seemed like everything got worse before it got better. Then the "shift" came and this time I was sober enough to recognize it and feel it. It will come for you too. Im sending lots of hugs (((hugs))) and love~Bkitty

[MikeInFrance]

I agree with Lu...you are doing everything right! We may have some influence but we have no control of others. This has to be about us as an individual first. And no matter how tough it gets...regardless of how long you believe the road in front of u is.... There is no possible way whatsoever that reverting back to old ways could or would help the situation. We all know it does just the opposite.

Stay strong and think about what you really want for yourself and make your plan to get it!  You can do this! You have to do this!

Keep posting....;)

[lulu747]

You are doing all the right things, sometimes it takes awhile to shift-and it can take longer for those we love to shift.  Sometimes things get darker before the storm passes, the important thing is to stay the course!  You gotta be proud of how far you've come and no matter how rocky things get HANG ON!  Act from a place of love for yourself and the fear will diminish every day.  Treating yourself like a precious object will make you strong.  And you are precious, your life is precious.

Sending cyber hugs and support...
Lu

[bettermomma]

Tomskat: thank you... from the bottom of my heart... you comment made me cry. So thank you.

[bettermomma]

Thanks for the replies, I didn't expect anyone to reply so quickly. Lu: yes I'm doin aftercare with an addiction specialist and NA meetings. Just seems like the harder I try, the rougher my situation gets... littlebit and notme: thanks for your encouraging words. Notme: I am in a very dark place mentally, even at 90 days... I often scare myself.

I have been taking my meds as prescribed, but even with aftercare and meds... it's not enough! Everywhere I turn... there's always someone throwing my past mistakes into my daily life. I can't get past that part of my life. My family won't allow me to start trying. I've tried forever it seems... to allow myself to heal... but the wound is constantly reopened and salt poured into the gap

[tomskat]

Hi there...Congratulations on your 90 day mark!! Like Lu said,that's HUGE!!! Guard that clean time hon!! You've worked way too hard to throw that away. You are stronger than you think. I know how you feel..I've felt that way plenty of times. Like nothing you do is "right",or like you said,assumptions are made about what you're doing,or,not doing. To be second-guessed all the time. It really rattles your foundation doesn't it? You can make it through this. The "this" is is life. By the time we have figured this life out,it'll be too late. Try to take it hour by hour,and to not stress over whyat tomorrow may (or may not) bring. The only thing you can control is right now. Yes,your choices that you make will affect tomorrow,the future. So take it hour by hour.

Think back to that feeling of going through withdrawls,the physical part I mean. You don't want to go through that again. Think of how good you felt to have that initial week of being clean,that feeling of triumph!! Guard your clean time;nothing is worth throwing that away. As you know it only masks our true problems. They will be there when you come down,possibly worse off than before. The mental part of this battle is the hard part. It is a lifelong battle that we fight. You're not in this alone though.

You must find it within yourself to forgive yourself. Yes,you've made some poor choices in life,but we all do. That's part of being human. We will all contine to make mistakes. You are strong-you've made it to the 90 day mark!! DO not throw this away,or diminish the power of that accomplishment. You do not need others to forgive you. You need yourself to forgive you.I know all this is easier said than done. So please,stay strong!! You WILL make it through "this". Here to help,or even to listen if you need anything. Hang in there;there really IS light at the end of the tunnel.
~"A"

[littlebit667]

Yes, those people may be hurting you, but at some level maybe you are not willing to trust yourself.  Please understand until you learn to love and trust yourself..they never will.  Please try to stay clean and hold your head up high.  There is a reason we fall..it is fear.  There is a reason we take the pills for more than pain.  They dull us from ourselves.  It is very scary and it takes time to unravel why we want to be dull and uncaring.  Please pick up the skein of your fear and unravel it to find you again.  You are so worth it!

[notme42long]

I don't believe I've ever posted with you. Are you sound like you're in a very bad place. This scares me holy crap your 90 days. Are you willing to let go of that. there's more to this than just an addiction. please get some rest and talk to someone as soon as poss.

[lulu747]

Hi Better,

Honey I hear your pain.  You are human and these are your circumstances.  The truth of the matter is, you are never going to find acceptance from others until you learn to accept yourself-and I mean ALL of yourself.  You cannot control any one else, you cannot control life...The only thing you have any control over is the choices that you make.  These choices determine how you feel about yourself.  So you've made mistakes...Who hasn't?  You can't change the past, or control the future, all you have is THIS moment.  Are you doing any aftercare (I can't remember)  
The only person that can give you permission to forgive yourself is YOU.  Start right now.  It's a lifelong journey,darlin'-you gotta be in it for the long haul.  Don't lose your faith-look at how far you've come.  90 days is a HUGE accomplishment.  It is also a huge trigger for many.  You CAN handle this.  Believe in yourself.

xo
Lu