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1476343 tn?1287416235

Well....here's what I got.

I actually wrote this as a journal entry - but I think I'm just gonna post it. Its kinda long, sorry. I just need to get it out there.

Well today started out great!
I felt stronger this morning...6am 1/4 clondine and a pot of coffee and a long walk before the kids got up really seemed to put me in the right frame of mind to get home and get back to my life!

Not the life of the past week where I was crawling around after my kids and feelig like crap... But my usual routine.
Walk the dogs, do the dishes, re-wash all of the laundry that I left in the washer a few days ago - gross!
I noticed that all week the clonidine had been giving me funky side effects, ringing in my ears, dry mouth, blurred vision...But I just felt like if it was gonna keep me going to I could keep up with the kids - that was more imporant.
I cleaned the kitchen, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher.
Changed everyone's sheets and have most of the dried and reapplied.
Feels good. I feel like crap - pretty sluggy, but determined to at least get the house cleaned up and pack.
(sidenote: The clonidine that I was given was the highest dose possible (the doc didn't seem to know much more than I did about it! and the first time I took it, a whole one like it said on the bottle my b/p dropped and I fainted! oops - and scary!)

Then I heard my husband go in to the bathroom and get his meds out of our safe. (with small children you have to be careful with medications laying around!)

It just about killed me!  I went from soaring high to a crumbled mess in a friggin second!

I know that I'm gonna be running in to triggers with this addiction for a long time.  And frankly my husband will be one of them. But there was a time when it was only his meds.  And I don't want them anymore. I want them to be just his again.

I suddnely felt like a total phony!  All the stuff that I've been sharing on this sight, about being so strong and doing it for my kids, superMama-crapola just felt like a damn lie!

Cause I knew that I could walk in and ask him for a little something and he'd give it me without question.
But I didn't ask. I went to go fold sheets in the laundry room and thats where he found my crying my stupid eyes out! I told him what was going on (we do have a wonderful easy relationship and he's dextoed inbetween operations several times, so he understands)

There I was trying to be so strong and was now feeling soooo weak. aaaag!

So, he said that it had only been a few days since my last 1/2 norco...and that he was so proud of me, and it wouldn't make the world end if I needed another half of one.

He said that it would make him feel better if I would go see my old (fav) docs back home and talk to her about what I have been going through, and let her give the advice and meds that I may need to get through this, cause the clonidine was making him nervous.  
He is right.  She's the only doctor who didn't automatically write me out a few months of scripts for pills. She's the one who got me in to accupuncture and gave me my med marji card.  She understands my migraines are NOT going to be fixed by a hand full of oxy every few hours.  Will she be dissapointed that I ended up here?
blaaaaaaagggggg!

30 mins later:  Ok. I sat here and sobbed for a few minutes at the fack that I'm a big phony looser, then I went ahead and called my doc back home. (We moved here in the last few months - long other story)
I told them that I was gonna be in town seeing family for the next week and would there be any possibility of me squeezing in an appt. No, there was not. So I asked them to please give her an URGENT message from me, ASAP to call me back.
45 mins later: Doc calls back: She is possibly the nicest woman on the planet! I started out talking all cheery, how'z the kids? how's the weather? She finally says "what the heck is going on with you??""  And I exploded snot and tears all over the place and told her I had gotten hooked on the pills again and the doctor here gave me clonidine and it was making me feel wierd and I had tapered for a weekish - and frankly I dont' know what to do with myself. I'm going to stay with my mother tomorrow for a week with the kids and I don't know how to do that on stupid zombie clonidine (yes, even at 38 I keep stuff from my mom! she has no idea that I take more than a 2mg delotted once a month) And I had Kevin put the med safe on the garage, blah blah sob sob.
I told her I had been here online and I had been feeling soooooo good and like I was so strong and now,,  ---

This is what she said - I swear "Sweetie, when I met you 6 years ago you had 5 jobs as a single mom. Then you had back to back kids and worked 3 of those jobs from home while your husband had 3 back operations in 3 years. You have been carring yourself like a lady through all of it, and you are still a SuperMom.  I know the pills have been hard for you in the past. I would like to come to my office on Wednesday and I am going to scheudle you accupuncture and send you away with a bunch of natural things that will clean you out, perk you up, and get you straight.  Gat a babysitter cause it's gonna take all day, but I promise that we are gonna get thru this... Now let me talk to you husband."   ????

He comes back a little while later with one of my day-to-day weekly pill counters thingamobibies.
Each day had 1 norcobroken in to half. And 1/2 a zanax.
He said "she said to give you this. If you want to take it = it's ok. If you don't its ok. We're gonna get you all better. But we want you to be ok and make it ok thru the next week of family stuff. And when we get home, I'm gonna take the boys to my Aunt's house for a few days so you can rest and detox or whatever you need to do."

I wish that I could said I looked at him demurly and said "that's so sweet of you love, but you can put them back in the safe."

But I didn't. I'm a big tweaker-phony-addict and I took 1/2 a norco and 1/2 a zanax.
And no, I didn't run to the toilet and puked it back up - but I thought about it.
And, since I'm being truthful here - I din't make me feel that much better. I mean its not like I'm gonna get a buzz from it or something!  but it did calm me down a bit.
But I still feel like a big-crappy looser!

Its not the first time someone (or me,myself) has a had a set back.
But I swear.....to myself this time.....This will be the last.

I know that I am still a SuperMom. And that I want to do this with all my heart - and I will.
But I guess the day to day reality of this situation is that I decided to do this on an impulse, without thiking that it was gonna take more than a week to get back on my feet.. I wanted to show my husband that I could do it ..and spending with my Mom and the kids in her little apt, maybe was something that I should'a thought of in advace.

Well I might be a slight quitter... but not for ever!
And just cause I took those pills this afternoon, dosen't mean I need to take them all the time (or all at once.)
I still feel.......?
6 Responses
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1476343 tn?1287416235
Thanks y'all...Sorry my posting was so long, and I know that I've only been online here with you for a little bit - but it really helps to have all the encouragement.
I didn't take any more xanax ,,, gnarly, I;ve seen what happens to my husband when he misses it. No thanks!
I'm just about to wake up my boys and drive back home (6 hr drive) and have my dr's appt tomorrow.
I don't feel like I've made too much of a set-back (not just rationalizing - too much) and I know that I can be strong and keep pushing myself.  The bottom line is I AM doing this for my kids, but mostly I'm doing it for me. So I can be the best Mommy I can be.

I'm looking forward to my appt tomorrow.
I'll try to get on to a computer while I'm away.
Thanks again everyone.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I totally get how hard it is having pills in the house. My husband had to take percs for many spine and leg issues but whatever.  Sound day 4 I asked him to just get them outta the house because they were talking to me.  So he did. I have no idea where they are and I don't care anymore. He only keeps what he needs on him when he gets home from work for nighttime I guess.  We don't talk about that.  He knows I don't want to.  I also am a working mom and I used to have the energy and everyday I do get more and more back.  I have had a couple health setbacks since ct 16 days ago but I just keep praying.   Good luck with the accupuncture, not sure who it was but someone one here has done it recently and said she went thru minimal wds and barely there cravings.  God bless you  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
HI....and welcome to the forum......sounds like you had a pritty tuff day....its never a good thing when you take a pill wile your detoxing...but I dont really think you set yourself back
to much by taking 1/2 a norco.....I would watch the xanex its ez to become cross addicted
so tomorrow you start fresh your not the first one to break down and take a pill wile detoxing
the thing is you only prolong the misery by doing it...the only way to get clean and sober is by getting clean and sober you need to get all the narcotics out of your system this deal with your husband giving you pills has to stop....it is going to make recovery very hard if all you have to do is ask for a pill ...the lock box is a good idea and he needs to keep the keys
try not to get discouraged look at this as a learning experience...it would be pritty hard for most of us to walk away from a pill if it was presented to us wile we where detoxing
I have been reading your posts...you have a great attitude and thats what it takes to do this...you will get past this I hope your doctor visit goes well for you...we havent had many members get acupuncture so let us know if it works good luck and God bless....Gnarly    
Helpful - 0
82861 tn?1333453911
Stop beating yourself up!  These things take time, and now you have time coming to devote to yourself and your own health.  Sounds like you haven't had that opportunity in waaaay too long.  You have a husband and a great doctor firmly on your side, which is a great blessing that too many folks don't have.  You'll get there!  :-)
Helpful - 0
1428440 tn?1287390379
We are all only human and in the same situation I would of probably taken the pills also. It is very hard to get clean and detox on man it is horrible. You can do this though, the stress at your moms small apt will be hard I am sure, when in detox and the few weeks following I was jumpy, cranky and you get the picture.

It is always nice to talk to a doctor who we feel connects, and sometimes just there encouragement is what it takes. I think that after your appt. with her that you will come out feeling more positive than ever. You have someone who is going to try to help you, reacting to her might be just what you need. Things will get better and you will make it through this. Husband is there to support you and remind him not to offer the pills to just make you feel better though. He sounds like a sensiable man so I am sure things will work.
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
There is no way I could read of this. Did you take pills or something?
Helpful - 0
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