What I Hate About Detox (Day 5)

[justneedtotalk]

I think it is important to vent what you really hate and document the things about detox that you really hate while in the middle of it.  This way you can go back and read your posts if you ever doubt how bad detox really was.  

I absolutely hate the fact that no matter what you do and how much you hope that the pain will go away it doesn't!  Even though each day is better and better you still watch the calandar and long for the day to feel normal.  Once you get back to "normal" you still have every day life to contend with.  This is the start of day 5 and the energy and anxiety are better but still not nearly 100%.  I hate that irritable feeling, my wife got home from work last night and was really excited to see me and wanted to talk.  All I wanted to do was veg and not deal with anyone so I was short and was basically not very nice.  She does not know what I am going through so she does not understand what I am going through.  Usually, I have been able to explain away my standoffishness but she is starting to catch on and is getting tired of it.  One of the biggest draw backs to pill popping is the diminished sex drive.  This drives my wife nuts.  Then when I am detoxing I too do not really feel like getting close to anyone so weeks go by each month between while on pills then not.  Either way she gets neglected and she is really starting to make a big deal about it.  That is why on my last post I mentioned that I had to come clean or serious relationship problems are going to manifest.  

I think the entire appeal to taking pills is that you can control when you are going to feel good.  If you are down in the dumps pop a pill and you will feel better for a few hours.  When you detox you cannot just go pop a pill, you have to power through it.  I hate the fact that you can fix all that with just one little fix.  Although I will admit that once you build that tolerance it is kind of like smoking cigarettes, you don't really get a buzz anymore you just need it to feel normal.  That is when pill popping becomes a real problem.  You start taking more and more trying to chase that first buzz and you eventually get to the point where the amount you are taking is making you feel worse in many ways.  So basically I hate the fact that you are dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.  

I apologize for ranting but I am back to work today and it felt good to get off the couch.  I am fighting some anxiety and restlessness still and energy is about 55%.  I am experiencing a lot of cravings today.  I am at day 5 so the active chemicals from the pills are almost all the way out of my body and my brain is trying to make a last ditch effort to get its fix back.  I think the worst days of detox are day 5 through day 14.  You fight the sleep issues, lack of energy, and an all out feeling of hopelessness.  I am maintaining my vitamin and protein regiment and I know for a fact that it has helped immensely.  Thanks for listening who ever reads this, it is theraputic for me to write this stuff out during the day.....

[pillfree21]

I have been right where you are, and really still not that far away, it has been a few weeks since my recent relapse after coming off methadone late last summer. I actually came clean to my wife after a month or so and it was very hard after she stood by my side through the rough methadone WDs, of course she was disappointed, but in the end, she showed me more support and things have gotten better by the day.  Honestly, she already knew something was up through my behavior, which may be the case with you.  Sometimes they just want to hear it from us.  Congrats on the 5 days, keep it moving forward and good luck with opening up to your wife.  Hopefully, she will become that additional source of strength you need to make it.

[Jwcn40]

Just reading your forum...Congrats man on taking another stand.  I am in college and have been struggling with my own, Adderall, drinking...  Exercise is great though and in my opinion is probably the single best way to get it together.  Our body releases hormones and Endorphines through exercise and just like a drug you develop withdrawal, so it is a great way to shift the mind's perception.  I recommend if you have access to one, an exercise bike.  I personally do all kinds of training, but the bike is in my opinion, especially during the winter months I don't know where your from, the best way to sweat it out.  I just think about every bead of sweat falling from my face like fear leaving my body.  Then when I get up, I can walk away from a big puddle of fear that's gone forever.  
Regarding your wife, I would let here know man.  Having to keep that to yourself and hide it from her can't make it easier to quit.  I know its easier to imagine just stopping and no one has to know, no conflict, but then you will still know.  Tell her, show her that you are committed to sobering and that her support means something to you.  
Good luck!

[justneedtotalk]

Congrats on the 25 days......I detoxed off of methadone four months ago so I know what you have been going through.  Unless people have experienced methadone withdrawal they have no idea what it is like.  It takes a lot of courage and determination to make it all the way through.....I (like and idiot) had 4 months until a coule weeks ago.  I agree with the wife thing, tomorrow is my birthday so I will probably wait until the weekend.  On of the main reasons why I have to tell her is so I too can go to AA.  I could not get away with it unless she knew.  I know that I can make it this time if I can get into AA or NA.  I have some experience with AA so I might stick with that forum.  I do not know if you are taking any suppliments but Gnarly turned me onto protein shakes.....I cannot tell you what vitamins, protien, and exercise does for someone going through methadone withdrawal.  I believe it is the single most important thing you can do for your body and brain to help heal.  I was well out of the woods when I relapsed this time and that is what has made this so difficult.....If you are around tonight, drop me a line!  Good luck and God Bless!

[vantart]

Day 25 off methadone and feeling pretty good. not great, but good. You are just a couple days away from the upswing when you start  to notice how much better you feel than the day before. Hang in there! The letter idea makes sense. Her being an RN I bet she won't be surprised. Has she ever commented on how dialated your eyes are? My wife  is a bit "hardened" to use her word, but she understands this is a disease, not a moral issue.
In time I'll have the chance to "soften" her some. The part we are responsible for is what we"re doing about it. You're doing something about it, brother. Give it a couple more days before you tell her. You're stressing about it big time. Wait til you are in a little better frame of mind. It may be tense for a while when she first hears the news. Best to you.
Heading to an AA mtg. check in later tonite

[justneedtotalk]

Thanks man....I always look forward to your posts.  I seem to have more in common (methadone) with you and you truly understand the challenges with the wife thing.  So how did your wife take it at first?  My wife also knows I WAS on pain pills but thought I was done when the Dr. took me off of them.  She did not know that I continued on for the past 2 years.  I think she is going to be more mad at the deceite than the actual dependency.  But....I can no longer keep it a secret.  I was able to hide detox after detox and bender after bender from people until now.  They are starting to see the patterns of when I feel "sick" and when I am on top of the world trying to clean our garage at 7 pm at night.  Thanks again for your post and I will let everyone know how it goes tonight.....Thanks and God bless!  

[gnarly_1]

Hey dude good luck with your letter I kept my addiction a secret for years all my wife new was I had a bad back and needed pain pills to help it she never new I took my whole daily dose all at one time it wasnt till 6 1/2 yrs of methadone addiction that I let her know just how bad I got on the pills I told her wile I was withdrawing from the methadone and prepared her for the worst she turned out to be my biggest supporter she was there to pray over me
and just be a wife and friend when I was at my worst I couldn't have done it without her
as for the sex thing I lost all drive on the methadone and we lived in a sexless marriage for 6 yrs its awful what this stuff dose to us and our family's Im glad to see your getting off it
plug into some form of aftercare to make this your last time and remember with your wife actions speek louder then words good luck and God bless.....Gnarly      

[justneedtotalk]

I agree with everyone here.  I have to come clean tonight....She really is getting brave and verbal about her concerns with my lack of attention.  I am soooooo scared of her just saying something like....."I feel so betrayed, I am out of here!"  I guess that is the chance you take with being honest.  I too feel sorry for my wife because I am a great father and provider, I clean the house, watch our child, and can and will do anything around the house that she can do if not better.  She loves that about me that I am willing and able to pitch....all except for the emotional part which is ending up being the most important.  

I am so afraid of losing what took me so long to find and create.....She is an RN so hopefully she understands that this stuff happens some times even to good strong people like myself.  (Had to throw in an ata boy for ego purposes :) ).  Well, I think I am going to write a letter so I can just read it to her and not have to worry about forgetting something or losing my nerve by her facial expressions.....Wish me luck all!

[bird546]

Hi,
I am only at day 10. There is absolutely no way I could have done this without the help, support, and understanding from my wife. In some weird way I think we are actually closer because she understands that the reason for my behavior is the dope. The guy she married is still in here somewhere, just my take a little while for him to be 100 percent and I have to live a little differently than most, but when it's all said and done that's cool, I kinda like different. Anyway if you tell her atleast she won't think that it's you, the real you in your right mind making the conscious decision to not be there for her.
Just a thought. Good luck whichever way you decide to go. Congrats on 5 days.

[10356]

I feel bad for your wife.. I know what my hubby went through with me and I know how he felt about my desire to not get close.. drugs build a wall around us that no one can penetrate. our own self involvement robs them of a relationship.. they go about their lives feeling as if they have done something wrong our that we do not love them the same our we just do not give a damn if they are happy our not.. when it comes down to it we really do not. not while we are active in our addictions.. all we care about is ourselves.. then when we go through wd we are focused on how we feel our needs.. If you were to get Honest with your wife it sure would clear a lot of things up for her and she may turn into the greatest support you have.. it may even improve your chances at staying clean.. being accountable is probably one of the most difficult steps to our recovery for it takes getting real and Honest.. Damned if you do and damned if you don't I believe we are damned only when we are being led to our deaths through active addiction.. I wish you well on your recovery.. lesa

[Dav125]

Its good to air those thoughts...It does help...And your words are dead on target...:)

[dominosarah]

When are you going to tell your wife?  Our secrets keep us sick........