What am I going to do!?

[traluvsfrogss]

God I feel ya'lls desperation and pain, mentally,  physically,  and emotionally! I have 8 years clean after being totally addicted to pain killers. I was given hydrocodone for strep throat and boy did I like the way it made me feel! After 4 years, I had built such a high tolerance,  I had a 50/day pill obsession and almost lost my children, husband,  and myself! A friend of mine tried to help and sent me to a doctor who specialized in narcotic addiction. The first appointment I told him I loved the way the pills made me feel and to be honest,  I did not want to give them up because they numbed me from past trauma and  abuse and they gave me energy...so I believed! Anyway, the Dr put me on the highest dose of Suboxone and it was a miracle that I had no more withdrawals or even cravings! I actually went to college and got degrees! I thought this was the best thing that ever happened to me because I wasn't on the pills anymore! I was not told anything about getting off of this medication, but I started researching it and I am horrified to get off of this medication! I had no idea the withdraws would be worse than the hydro/perco/oxy/etc! It's 8 years later and I'm still on this crap! No I'm not taking 50 pills a day, but I'm technically still addicted and totally dependant on meds! To be honest, I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing because I do have my life back and I work, raise my kids, etc. BUT....I start worrying about...what if something bad happens and I can't get my suboxone! I still haven't worked through my past trauma, abuse, etc. and since my mom and grandma have passed away, I've started having panic attacks, but I can't take any meds for anxiety because my doctor won't give me anything.  Everyone praises me for being off the pills for 8 years and it makes me feel bad because I've basically just transfered my addiction to something else. I don't even know why I started writing all of this in the first place. I am new to this and started reading questions and comments and here I am! I'm sorry for rambling, I'm just confused and scared.

[jifmoc]

Hi, traluvsfroggs and welcome. You sound very self aware so that's great. The fact that you recognize that you substituted one opiate for the other, and are not in denial is a great start. 8, 10 years ago doctors thought that subs were the magic pill. Boy were they wrong. The thing is, it's only supposed to be used (if at all) for a very short time as a transition while we getting into aftercare and adjust to being sober.

It's a bummer than people praise you for being off pills when that isn't the truth. But the good news is you can absolutely change this. So so so many have tapered and detoxed off subs, you can too. You can have your MD start tapering you down. Yes, you will have some withdrawl symptoms, there is no escaping that whether we're on subs, hydro, oxy or methadone. There's no free ride. The very best thing I did was get into aftercare, it's the only thing that's kept me, and others w/ longer term sobriety, clean. We have to face all the trauma, faulty thinking, whatever, that we've avoided for so long, once the drugs are removed. No escaping that either. Check out meetings close to you. You can do this.

[EG70]

Hi there, I feel your pain too. I have battled addiction for ten years, I tried suboxone about six years ago and it made me so horribly sick (migraines, vomiting, etc) I wasn't able to take it for more than three days. Two years ago my pain management doctor gave me clonidine patches to ease the withdrawal after being stepped down over a month from pain pills. It is usually prescribed for blood pressure so it's not a sedative like xanax nor is it an opioid. Maybe that is something you could ask your doctor about? It's not a magic medicine but it is definetely better than nothing. Take care. EG70