Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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4605616 tn?1362003158

What did I do? Relapse.

I screwed up. Failed. Changing purses, found a bunch of norco. Well like 14. This was late last night as I was awake from lack of sleep still. Well every once in awhile. No sleep, still with zero energy. So I took 3 late  last night. I woke up, took 2. Then another 2, not for pain. Just to feel warm fuzziness and energy. And I'm disgusted. I knew I would be. So why did I do this ? I messed up 22 days.  Omg. No excuses. Just took them. I am ashamed and words can't express. 22 days was longest I went in 2 years. Now what? I feel like I failed my medhelp friends. And myself and family. They don't know . Omg.
57 Responses
480448 tn?1426948538
I agree that there's no sense in beating yourself up.  You're GOING to feel guilty and disappointed, and that's okay!  No one would ever learn from mistakes in life if there wasn't regret.

I would NOT recommend Subs.  You've already detoxed.  IMO.. that would just be going backwards.  You have to get serious now about putting a plan in place and trying to stick to it.  Eliminate all of your sources...someone made the good suggestion above of having someone help you look through your house, as best you can, to see if you have anymore stashes.  

You MUST get serious about aftercare.  You already looked into meetings, great!  So pick one, and go!  You may have to go every day for a while.  It seems that the people who have been successful in staying clean really took advantage of those programs and went often...that adds accountability.  You could even get a sponsor, which would be great.  You could have called your sponsor last night when you found the pills, that may have made a difference.  

You have to tell your secret..not to the whole world, but to people who will help to keep you accountable...the doctor is a GREAT place to start, and the pharmacies...anywhere you would get a script filled.  Call them and have them flag your profile for no narcotics...tell them you are an addict.  If you have any close loved ones you can confide in, that would be great too.  Any doctor, dentist, clinic where you have sought pills from before (or could in the future), you need to contact them and have them make a notation about no opiates.  That will be empowering to do that.

You absolutely can do this...but you need to pitch the rest of those pills.  Like others have said, you WILL find a way to talk yourself into taking the rest.  Just because you relapsed doesn't mean you have to take the rest of them.  Get rid of them now!  

Very best to you...hang in there...time to move forward...dwelling on this won't help you.  You'll have feelings of regret, but you can turn that into motivation to make the necessary changes.

P.S....I think you should read (and print off) those journals here...the one that is a letter from my addiction, I think it's amazing...very powerful.  Others would be more help with that...maybe someone can post the links for you to those very poignant writings.
4614494 tn?1368356385
Dust yourself off and get back on the horse!!  Don't beat yourself up!!  
Be postive and keep on trucking my friend!! You can do this!!
Avatar universal
Okay, now THAT'S out the way!  Get rid of what you have now and move on from here.  It happens. It's addiction. You're not a failure.  

You're just going to do things differently now...

4605616 tn?1362003158
I am so depressed about this. Maybe I need rehab. Maybe a program. I found. Out some bad medical news as well and put me over the edge. No excuse. I need to do this ! At work.... Just so much . I feel week and am a strong woman . I guess not so strong:(
4605616 tn?1362003158
I still have the rest of the sick pills . I need to flush. I flushed the ankle ones no problem. Reg Vic. These are norco, my DOC. Ugh!
4605616 tn?1362003158
Thanks. I dont know why I did it.
4605616 tn?1362003158
Calling my dr tomorrow to fess up.
4113881 tn?1415850276
Your not the first...nor will you be the last to relapse. You ask "now what"...now you start over. You learn from this and move on with your recovery...your life. I know you didn't say you were...but if you were thinking about continuing to use because you messed up your clean date...don't. That's how the mind works...it tells us we messed up and uses our own guilt to justify using some more. We rationalize and think that one more day wont matter because I already relapsed...so I will start tomorrow instead of today....tomorrow turns into the next...and so on.

Don't beat yourself up. You made a mistake...admitted it to yourself and publicly on this forum...now its time to heal. You can get your 22 days and some back. Just know that you already made it there so it will be easier this time. Its good that your here asking for help. You are doing the right thing :)

God Bless
4113881 tn?1415850276
P.S. You didn't fail.....this is part of the process...this will be a learning experience that contributes to your sobriety. Use this as a learning experience...learn about yourself....what you need to do so this wont happen again...what areas you need to work on.

Just know you didn't fail :)
2107676 tn?1388973859
Been there and done that so many times.  I know how depressing it is but I usually did what Acting is talking about.  I ended up going on a bender and then had to go thru the withdrawals all over again.
Just realize what you did was part of addiction.  It's very hard for any of us to find pills and not take them.
Avatar universal
Relapse is a part of recovery.
4605616 tn?1362003158
Thank u. Yes, I want to stop . Don't want to keep using. Thanks for advice.
4605616 tn?1362003158
Maybe I should try sub? Your thoughts? My dr mentioned the program. I said no. But I remember reading a working mother of 3 just like me saying she had to to keep career etc. I don't know what the heck to do, I know I hate pills. I need direction, help. I'm looking for NA in West Los Angeles area. Whoa there are a ton. I'm truly thought I was in the clear when I flushed the ankle pills. I did it with no issues, happy I flushed. Now this crap!
Avatar universal
Hi .....there is so much more to recovery then simply stoping.....you need to take the time to arest your addiction with a program like N/A otherwise your life becomes a rolercoaster of quitting then using quitting then using you must realize you dont have control over this you are powerless ...all the strong will in the world Wont get it don....nothing changes if nothing changes  this illness ends in institutions jail or death if you dont ...tonight google N/A meetings in your area you will be welcome with open arms..................................Gnarly  
Avatar universal
cool your a step ahead of me make plans for a meeting tomorrow there only 1hr good luckwith your recovery ............Gnarly
4113881 tn?1415850276
"Maybe I should try sub? Your thoughts?"

I wouldn't...not when you put the 22 days together without subs....you already detoxed...subs are to help with detox. There's no reason for it.

Your right, there are a ton of meetings here in Los Angeles. That's one thing we are fortunate in LA is that there are many different types of recovery based programs here. Half the county is in recovery...the other half is still using. Find something...NA...church....therapy....something.
495284 tn?1333894042
Dont spend alot of time thinking the negative here as it gets us nowhere.  Be pro active now and look at the areas you need to improve and then put a plan in place.
1700643 tn?1464846682
U did this for one simple reason.YOUR AN ADDICT.At22days clean I would b surprised if u didnt relapse at that point.I HAVENT read other responses because I just wanna give u my view not having to do w/what others say(that said Im sry Im sure Ill repeat what these other awesome members say).AFTERCARE????VITAL TO SOBRIETY.Maybe u should think2posr here n any similar situation as this.I will say that for 99%of addicts quiting they relape(sadly more than once often).Usually the multiple relapses come from no aftercare,knowing u have a problem but not genuinely being ready to quit/having a hard time coming to grips w/the idea they can NEVER use EVER EVER AGAIN.Pardon the pun but thats a hard pill to swallow.I know ir was
1700643 tn?1464846682
Sry sent b4 i was done.I know that coming to the place where I had to b ok(as ok as I could be at least)that These pills can never be a part of my life.Dnt beat urself up.U had a set back.Dnt let it make u feel like u CANT do this.U r strong enough,u will do this.u just have to want to.U have to be at the end of ur rope with it.Like I said aftercare is so vital.ALSO U NEED TO HAVE SOME1come over&go though ALL OF UR STUFF ANYWHERE u may have1pill or 14.CLEAN OUT THE HOUSE,CUT ALL SOURCES,including the drs and pharmacies
Avatar universal
It is not how many times you fall down it is how many times you get back up! You will make it! Addiction is being out of control and we have all been there! Do you have a legitimate need for the medicine? If you do and it is doctor prescribed be careful a out fessing up. If there is no lagitimate need then if it would help tell the doctor. Also vicodin and Norco are the same Medicine both hydrocodone. God is a merciful God and He said all things in moderation. Now you are not a failure you made a failed attempt at something we all have made failed attempts not everyone in our lives need to know what we are struggling with telling them is totally up to you and you alone. God nor anyone else is condemning you guit condemning yourself. Guilt is Satan 's biggest weapon! God bless you!
Avatar universal
Morning Nuff, Hope your waking with a positive out look and a plan. I always looked at relapse as "reinforcement". It immediately reminded me of all the reason's I stopped. You may want to write a list of all the heartache these pills cost you and have it posted to look at when you get tempted. Having pills around is a total Mind screw. If you get cravings (and you will), go for a long walk, call a non using friend, hit a meeting etc. The craving will pass quickly if you don't romance it with your mind fully. Stay positive and as the others said, don't let this give you permission or the depression to go on a roll with it. You can do this. I know it!
4204073 tn?1361831476
Well girl, I can't tell you how many times I relapsed, and it wasn't because I found pills, but had I, I would have tossed them down my throat as quickly as you did at the time because I hadn't done all the things I needed to do to save me from myself.  And I WANTED to be done.  Like others before me have said, relapse happens long before we put the pills in us.  We haven't truly come to terms with being done and romance the idea of using a little when we are in recovery because that's just what our addict minds want us to do to get a temporary reprieve.   But that just leads us back to the beginning.  Im going to be brutally honest and say that part of the reason it was so easy for you to take them when you found them was because you had taken a few of those prescribed for your ankle and that woke up the beast.  Had you told your dr you have a problem, it would have been noted in your files and they wouldn't have prescribed you any.   I believe you were hurting and needed something for pain...but there are alternatives to opiates.   Even so, it just isn't a good idea to take any so early in recovery.   A couple weeks isn't long enough to be off them and return to controlled use.  Good job on flushing what you didn't need, but you should know Norco is a brand name and the same as hydrocodone.  They are different strengths, but the same thing.  The yellow ones you like are 10 mg.   I struggled with telling my dr and aftercare myself because the idea of not being able to get any scared me even though I didn't want them.  I know that sounds odd, but its the addict screaming.   I too like the idea of doing a search for any other potential stashes and flushing any you might find.   Bottom line is you can't be tempted or take what you don't have or have access to. It is really freeing knowing you have taken control of that screaming addict.  And then when cravings hit, you can quiet it quickly knowing you have no options.   And aftercare gives you the support to stay clean.  This site is great for helping get through wd and some aftercare, but we need to surround ourselves with people going through the same thing so we can stay on course.   I wish you the best.   Get back in the saddle and use your old clean time as a tool for your recovery this time.  No judgement here...just support and advice based on experience.  
4204073 tn?1361831476
Need to clarify that what I meant about controlled use is for temporarysuch  medical reasons such as what you had.  However long our clean time is, the closer you are to detox the faster it awakens the beast.  The farther away and along with aftercare, the more chances you have of being able to use as needed for a very short time and not go through wd and wake up the beast entirely.  
Avatar universal
you knew that they were there, and should have  got rid of them, this was a "planned relapse"...you "accidently" forgot"   been there and done that numerous times....
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495284 tn?1333894042
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