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Avatar universal

What's a wife to do??

My husband of 3 years has a drug problem a problem I never knew about until it was too late. After a year of separation we recently reconciled with the promise that he will get help. But it has been about 2 months and nothing. We don't really talk about it 'cus it will start a fight. He constantly lies and says he is not doing them but I can always tell by his behavior. Last night he had a seizure, something that happened I believe right after he took some pills. Our 18 months old child watched him as he shook on the floor and was bleeding from his face. She was scared and so was I ( I never seen him like that, although I know it has happened to him ). I found a bottle of pills which I got rid of as well as his phone. While in the hosp he promised he wld get help but after he was done with wat he had, he was very upset wen he found out there was no pills n no phone. Said he was going to get sick. But wen the hospital offered him help n detox room w meds he refused n signEd himself out. Idk wat to do. It's 430am n I'm up researching but I find nothing. As his wife, n as a mother wat can I do for him??
22 Responses
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Avatar universal
It does not sound like he is really ready to stop. Only he can help himself at this point. You need to protect your child.
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Avatar universal
Yeah I guess he doesn't want to stop, if he did he would just do it, right? And would stop making excuses, idk How this works. I never in my life had to go thru this. I only have that show intervention to go by. And thought that maybe I had to push him to get clean. It's weird cus I see him with our daughter and he loves her sooo much yet not enough to want to go thru some pain to make her life a better one. So that she can grow up being proud of her dad. I'm not to sure whAt pills he is doing Ive heard him say opiates. The bottle I found said oxycodone. And I heard the word roxi's. I also seen mark on his arms very bad looking marks. So he is shooting something I believe is "k" but not sure if it cld be something else. He may not be shooting anymore thou since he moved back in bt I cld be wrong. I love him dearly and I know the man he could be that's why I want to help him but what if he never says he wants help?????  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Regardless of what you have seen on tv very few addicts can be forced to get clean. There is the chance that if he is in a good rehab that once the fog of the addiction clears after the initial detox he might realize he really does want to get clean. But you have to realize that just wanting to get clean isnt enough though cuz the staying clean takes work.
It really doesnt sound like he is even close to being done with this. Protect you and your child, especially financially as someone in active addiction is likely to do anything to feed the addiction.
As much as it feels like he is choosing the drugs over his family you need to realize that as an addict is not a choice. You choose between chocolate or vanilla. The addiction makes the drug of choice (doc) feel as important as air. And it is not just as simple as going thru a few days of discomfort in wd... the physical wd is the EASY part... mental wd  can last months and months and that is the hard part.
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Avatar universal
So when is some one ready? When does one say enough is enough if it's out of their hands?
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Avatar universal
It's different for everyone.  Some people realize super early on and quit.  Others really have to have things get very bad in order to stop and some don't stop at all.  Many people have to try numerous times to stop.  It's definitely not a thing where he doesn't love his daughter or wife it's just that he's an addict.  

I agree with the folks above that you need to protect your daughter and yourself at this point.  It's also possible that by doing that he will realize that it's either the drugs or you.
Helpful - 0
725350 tn?1318680468
Thats what you have to remember about those intervention shows, the addict has two options:

1. Go to treatment, get into a 12 step program, and begin recovery;

2. You lose all connection with your family and loved ones.

That's the only way you can push someone into treatment; it's not enough to say how hurt you are by their actions. Addiction is so strong that hurting others is not enough to make someone quit. It's when the addict finally sees some extreme consequences of his addictoin (ie. no contact with his wife/child) that he learns the gravity of the situation.

A decision has to be made for both of you. Do you want him to still go on seeing you and his daughter, doing what he is doing, and die? OR be uncomfortable for a little while with him not around untill he gets the point; and he will (hopefully) get into recovery and have a new life.

He has to decide do I go on using and not see my family? Or do I get help, stop using, clean my life up, and have the family I want.

I hope you find the courage to do what needs to be done for yourself, him, and your daughter. Good Luck!
Helpful - 0
480035 tn?1222366164
Everyone usually has to hit bottom before trying to kick it.  That  said, everyone's bottom is different. Sounds like his is health as well as relationship bottom, One thing I figured out was you can call bottom at any point. For me I'm saying, though i was reckless there was a point when enough was enough. And there is always help to turn to, nobody has to do this alone.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
That's the problem I already did that we just got back together we were separated for a year he didn't see me or the baby n it didn't seem to face him. Wen it was time yo discuss divorce he begged for me to take him back n promised to get help but he is yet to do anything, so do I kick him out again?? :( I'm afraid for him if I do. He is just going to go wild. Although I guess that's wat he has been doing. Today we went for some counseling n agreed to call some detox places I found a cpl that are even free or very cheap as he doesn't have INS but they all have a wait list we even found a 4 mth in patient place for small fee n he refuses to all he doesn't want to go any where. As far as hitting rock bottom well he lost his job, no money, lost his family for a year, car got repo it's a horrible life. I don't think he cares I know for a fact he will leave if I give him an an ultimatum. But I guess that's my answer the guy can't even put us first.  
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Avatar universal
I thank you all for your input really I didn't think it would but this is helping me a lot.
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Avatar universal
one question... was in recovery when you and he got back together after the year separation? If he wasnt then loosing you and child is not his bottom. Might be time to get out of the way and let him proceed to find his bottom. You staying in the picture at that point would only help to drag you and your child down with him to his bottom.
Helpful - 0
199177 tn?1490498534
You have to take care of yourself and yourchild he has been offered help and refused you have left for a year and he still has not stoped so peoples botoom is pretty low .Have you looked into alonon meetings if not i would it should help you .I belive one has to want help to get clean others would disagree ...Whatever happens plz take care of the two of you ...
avis
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi, im so sorry for your situation and do agree that you have to look after yourself and your daughter first, but as you say you have never known addiction. It is a disease, nobody really "wants" to be an addict. I bet he would go back to before he started taking the pills if he could, but obviously he cant. Its really not just a case of being ill for a few days and then its all over. W/ds are horriffic, and extremely painful and horrible, then the mental part kicks in and the guilt of what you have done to your family hits you like a ton of bricks, it is very hard and virtually impossible without help of some kind. I dont think he has hit rock bottom yet either. Peoples bottoms are all different. Everything you said might not be his bottom yet. But if he was ready to stop he would have accepted the help he was offered, although he may be afraid of going away to dettox also. I can understand that. It also doesnt necessary mean he loves you and your daughter any less. I think you should have a good talk to him whether it starts an argument or not. You need to know, for you and your daughters sake. I hope you can get this sorted out and the help that you all need. I think Avis is right, you should go along to some alonon meetings, i think it would really help you to understand addiction a lot more. Good luck, i hope you get what you want...Kim
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Avatar universal
What is a alonon meeting?? N thank you for ur inputs
Helpful - 0
199177 tn?1490498534
Its a meeting for loved ones of people with drug and alcohol addiction if you put alonon  meetings into yahoo search you can find alot out about it ..also if you look into aa/na meeting in your area they should be able to tell you where and when the nearest meetings are ...If he is shooting up drugs plz also go to your doctor and get a complete physical as well as a hiv and a hepatitis panel done .i am so sorry you are going threw this. Plz put yourself and your daughter first.
Helpful - 0
1218318 tn?1266808601
Sorry to read about the mess you and your daughter are in. I hope things work out. I belong to alanon. We hear it all at those meetings. Not all of these stories have a happy endings. We need to allow our loved one's their process, and start to take care of US. That's what alanon helps us to do. it took years before my son got clean because we made life easy for him and made it easy for him to use. Everything was taken care of for him. An addict who is using will always look for an easier softer way rather than face their problem head on. And when they get confronted, they'll try half measures to make their loved ones happy. And, then they'll go right back out again and use the first chance they get. Nothing will stop an addict except themselves, when their drug of choice finally kicks their a-s really good.
Helpful - 0
1110177 tn?1268461548
As the husband on your "equation", let me say that he will not stop until he is ready.  Nothing worked for me...until I got tired of what I had become.  My kids, my wife...were not enough inspiration to get me clean.  Missing "me" and finally realizing what I had become is the only thing that hit home.

I am sorry to be so blunt...please know that the Addict brain is a terrible thing...and that your husband is in the somewhere...just not operating the controls right now.

But everyone is right...you will go down with him if you don't take care of you.  He will just drag you with to the bottom.  For your sake and your children...


Free
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi..

I am sorry for your situation.  I can tell you that almost all of the people here are addicts.. there may be a few exceptions.. so your hearing the addict side of the story, which is excellent.

I am a recovering pill addict.. I can tell you that I stopped when I was ready. I would not have stopped for anyone else..  Its not that we don't love and appreciate our families, but the addiction is so powerful, that it becomes larger than life..  

You will be angry to hear that, but take some comfort in knowing that its not just your husband.. Addiction had that hold on all of us at one time or another.. I was exactly the same, and I am ashamed of it today.

The only responsibility you have is not enabling the addict.. Not making excuses which make it easier for them to abuse drugs.. We all need to find our own personal rock bottom and having someone in our life helping us avoid that rock bottom is actually not helpful.

Its hard, but you need to let him find his bottom. Its scary because it kills some of us. In many cases however, they find it, get into recovery, and learn to have a life again.

Helpful - 0
1110177 tn?1268461548
Trying Hard speaks the truth...great post my friend.  

It is hard...my wife agonized about kicking me out...but she saved me, her and my children from additional harm and the torment of watching me wither away.  By letting me "live" in that house, it gave me just enough comfort to keep using.  Saying goodbye to my sobbing 3 year old...who obviously "got it"...living in a friends basement (unfinished I may add)...with only the clothes I could pack in a small suitcase...losing my job a week later...suddenly the gravity of the consequences hit me...and I mean HARD.  

The lucky thing for me...is I realized it before it got worse...and it is guaranteed to get worse.  But please be aware, that homelessness, joblessness and death are VERY real and VERY possible consequences for an Addict.  It will get worse...and it will continue to destroy the things that are allowed to stay close by it.

I just pray that he recognizes this soon.  But you can't wait for it...and this is coming from someone who played the "other" role, year after year...and was mad as hell when I could no longer live in "my house".  But two weeks later...I was never happier to be so wrong.  

Wishing you all the strength in the world...we are here for ya if you need us.


~ Free  
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Avatar universal
Reading all these replied really "open" my eyes up. Very Scary to say the least. I'm an addict and i want out, NOW!! My oh my...

EdnVero, good luck to you and your daughter.
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Avatar universal
The only conclusion I'm getting is that I need to leave him n that's what I wanted to avoid. That he'll never change. He'll never hit rock bottom not wen all he cares about is using, not wen he has parents who enable him and will support him no matter what he does, they even get in my face when I ask them to help they always said they will cover for him no matter what, not wen all his friends are drug related. Evey other word out his mouth is a lie. You all right I need to protect my baby and myself she needs a life
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Avatar universal
My husband is now at a methadone clinic is that a good thing?? I feel is not! I feel this is just another drug easier for him to get like to keep me happy yet he is still high
Helpful - 0
199177 tn?1490498534
Make a new thread hun  there are many here that have been on methadone that can tell you all about it ...I would ask peoples specific options about it ..
Helpful - 0
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