Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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Avatar universal

Whats wrong with me????

For the last 2 months I have been battling with bouts of depression and anxiety and they're really starting to take a toll.I'm crying right now as I write this and I have no idea why.I will have 7 months clean from methadone next week and I'm well over 2 years clean from the vicodin so I'm not sure  if I can attribute how I'm feeling to either one of these things anymore.I just break down and lose control for no reason.I cry uncontrollably.I just want to be alone in my room every chance I get.I really can't stand this anymore.I was never like this before.I didn't start abusing any drug until I was in my early thirties and before that life was no walk in the park but I never stressed like this.I don't even know what I'm stressing about.My husband keeps insisting I see my doctor about this but I'm so scared he'll prescribe me something and history will repeat itself.I have literally picked up the phone and dialed the doctors number and then this fear overcomes me and I hang up and tell myself tomorrow will be a better day,but it's not getting any better.Whats wrong with me?????
21 Responses
Avatar universal
Kim...I'm sorry you are going through all of this. In the grand scheme of things you are going through alot w/your grandbabies etc. That does wear on you. You worry about it etc. You know I'm here for you if you need me. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Love ya!
479459 tn?1246742019
Hey, as one who has suffered from depression before and after this pill addiction stuff, it really sounds like you are truly depressed. Whether the pills made you chemically imbalanced enough to cause this, does it really matter? Maybe just try an antidepressant to see if it will help. I think lots of people get hooked on drugs and alcohol as a way to self medicate. It could have been that you were doing that when you started the vicodin. It made you feel better. There is no shame in taking something now that will help you through this rough time. AD's are there to balance out the seratonin in our brains. Yes, they are overprescribed in many cases, but why suffer if you can possibly get relief. It's natural to fear calling your doctor...it's part of depression. That's the crappy part of it...it stops us from doing the things that will help us, like exercise for natural endorphins.
I am no doctor, just one who has suffered from depression and what you describe sounds so much what I have experienced.
I hope you can find relief in what ever you choose to do.
Avatar universal
Thanks Joann,and I appreciate having you to talk too and all your support.The things going on with the girls is rough but the crazy part is when something comes up about the girls,don't get me wrong it's been an emotional roller coaster,but I don't feel like this.I have gone through a box of tissues crying today and I have no idea why.Things seem like they may be starting to go our way as far as the girls go,everyone is healthy,our finances are in order,I'm clean,and yet I'm an emotional mess.I should be happy.This is insane.
Avatar universal
Maybe you've changed your brain chemistry.  That's what I'm beginning to think about myself.  No, it's not a comforting thought.

Do this.

Go to the doctor.  Going isn't going to land you taking something.  Talk to them.  Express your concerns.  See where that takes you.  Maybe it will help.  Maybe you'll decide, at that point - after actually going, that it won't.  If it's not getting better, then do what you can.

Let me know if you find something that helps.  I'm struggling myself at this point.  

Avatar universal
Thank you so much.I actually started taking the pills because they were prescribed to me for back problems but then I started liking the way they made me feel too much,that is of course until I started hating the way they made me feel.I don't know much at all about drugs for anxiety or depression.I guess I just keep trying to convince myself that it's only been 7 months so it's normal to feel this way,but I'm just not so sure anymore.
Avatar universal
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way too.It's horrible,isn't it? I will certainly let you know if I find an answer.Thank you.
479459 tn?1246742019
Hey Kim, maybe the pills filled a void you didn't realize needed filling...who knows? Or maybe you were totally fine, but this stuff does change our brain chemistry, at least temporarily, from what I have read and heard.
2 months is a long time to go on feeling bad though. And maybe 7 months is a short time for the brain to repair? I have heard it takes about 2 years for the brain to recover from alcoholism.  I really hope you can call your doctor, or if you are too scared to bring it up with them... if your insurance covers it, a psych NP. I get my meds from a Psych NP and they are aware of my addiction issues. It helps that they have a better understanding of the various AD's and what they do. It also feels good to talk to someone who knows about addiction and has no judgement, but just wants to help find a solution. Look for someone with CADC behind their name. You can ask your dr for a referral or your insurance provider. Some of the MD's may be more apt to give you whatever samples from the latest drug on the market. (This happened to me with Cymbalta with disastrous results. I'm now on Celexa and while weaning from ultram that dose has been cut in 1/2.)
I hope this helps...I am just giving you my experience so of course it may not work for you.
Avatar universal
are you up Kim...my friend?
460185 tn?1326077772
Considering I don't know you, maybe there is a non-drug related reason for your depression and anxiety.  I suffer from both of those "disorders" and they have made my existence a living he**.  Next week I have to go to the dr for a physical and I'm terrified.  Then depression sets in and I just feel like giving up.  Sometimes I just cry and let myself feel bad without feeling guilty - nature gave us tear ducts for a reason.  Maybe you can just let yourself feel bad for awhile and see if you get fed up with it and want to get on with things.  There's no shame in taking anti-depressants or tranquillizers if you get a shrink who keeps a close eye on your meds.  I took Prozac for awhile and it worked but that shrink really kept the initial doses small and didn't just hand them out.

My words aren't coming out right; I'm not feeling so great either.  I hope you feel better and it looks like you have people who care about you and who know about meds too.

Hugs to you if you want them from a total stranger ....


401095 tn?1351391770
i think of it as receptor syndrome..all the receptors we build during use that are so hungry right now...due to no drugs to feed them...this will pass...the 3 months mark is where people ususlly feel a big load lifted off their shoulders...hang tight///dont look back as there is nothing there that will help...move forward...exercise..do things to improve urself..take ur vitamins and aminos and live healthy....do things to improve u
631581 tn?1224844661
your note to me really meant a lot, especially since you are suffering yourself-having you extend a hand and ask about my day was so thoughtful.
Please, consider that depression is something that you can get help with.  If you can't go to the doctor about it right now because of fear, call your local hospital and see where there is a depression group.  They are all over!  A group, where you can talk about whats going on and make a friend or two is a big help when dealing with depression.
Finding the right drug for depression can be real difficult-we all react in different ways but it is worth the trials....trust me on this one.
I know it is a rotten space to be in but you can get help!
Take care
Avatar universal
Thank you....I think i just need to get over it and call and make the appointment.So heres what I'm wondering,for anyone who has been on medication for depression and anxiety,how do you know when you don't need it anymore? I mean if you get to the point when you don't feel you need it anymore do you start to not feel so hot when you take it?or do you have to stop taking it to know?  I'm just so in the dark about how it works.
Avatar universal
I'll send you a PM on my experience w/it ok. Love ya.
Avatar universal
Thanks hon....
479459 tn?1246742019
Hey you might check out the depression forum for more info on AD's.
I don't know how you'd know to get off unless you tried it. From my exp and from what I've read, Effexor and Cymbalta are the hardest to wd from. I think Prozac, celexa and lexapro are all easier if you decide to go off.
633640 tn?1223658523
Hi Kim,

I am so sad to hear your feelings. Thank you for posting to me about my pain killer addiction!

I was recently taking 3 - 1mg Zanax a day. I quit cold turkey because I just felt depressed all the time as well wanted to get off these drugs that tke control of me. My will to quit is doing it for me. I never felt anything different that made me quit other than my strong will.

I realize it's not the same for everyone, but the old saying goes "Mind over Matter" can help to overcome anything. I also agree that you need to start taking care or you! Are you one to exercise? I believe if there is one natural thing that will help reduce stress and depression it is exercise. Try going for a walk, get your heart rate up and keep it up for at least 30 minutes. The longer you can do it the better it will make you feel. It's great for the mind, great for your body and good for your health. I know it helps me. A hike in nature or a walk around the neighborhood will give you a different perspective on things a wil make you feel better. You don't need to take Anti Depressants. I'm no doctor, but I believe you can accomplish miracles if you set your mind to it! You have to allow yourself to get in that right frame of mind though, if not your setting yourself up for failure. Harsh but true I believe.

Do you have kids or loved ones that are being affected by your feelings? Only you can do it. I tell myself that everyday, only I can do it, nobody can do it for me.

If you really need anti depressants that one thing, but first try exercising 30-60minutes and see how you feel. If you feel good, keep doing it. I know the A/D's made me feel great, but then I kept taking them because they made me feel good. That's no way to live is it? Of course I am just barely over the A/D's (2+ weeks now) but I don't feel like I'm in the dark anymore.

Kim I am here if you want to talk. I will be thinking of you and wish you the very very best!

479459 tn?1246742019
JWW's post reminded me of a book I just got at the library. The Chemistry of Joy by Henry Emmons. It has to do with mindfulness and depression. A friend recommended it and it seems to have some good ideas (i.e how nutrition and meditation can help) and it's easy to read...not a lot of psychobabble;-)

365714 tn?1292199108
I can relate to the crying and the anxiety and the feeling like hell iced over... It could very well be you're suffering depression right now.  It sounds to me what you're dealing with is quite "normal" as far as depression is concerned.

I hope that it will get better.  If you ever wish to talk I'm here. I'm usually online.  

One thing I find that helps is to find friends you can talk about whatever is on your mind, no matter how silly it feels. It does help a lot and I thank my friends for sticking by me with the crisis I've been feeling.

The friends who are willing to stick to your side and listen no matter how you feel or what happens, hold onto them like gold.  Also I find it helps to go around and give people compliments. It sounds cheesy I know. But I find if you can think of something good to say about someone, it not only makes you feel better but them too. It's a win-win...
633640 tn?1223658523
I totally agree with you MJ. Thanks for the reminder of how to treat friends or family.I just want to be miserable right now and to those around me. That's no way to act, your right!

I'm glad I found Med Help it helps to talk and listen to others.

365714 tn?1292199108
In replying to Kim I realized something. Yes You WILL learn who your true friends are. No doubt about it....  I found this out the hard way and yes it stings....
I've been trying really hard to restore broken friendships, but you know what?  It makes the depression worse.

It's like sifting through sand. The true friends will stay by and those are the ones you can trust. They are not perfect. Sometimes yes true friends will hurt you. The best you can do is be open to making up and working out differences.  But if the end they aren't willing to do so, then they were never your friend to begin with.
460185 tn?1326077772
Sometimes it's necessary to go through feeling and acting bit**y and miserable in order to work through the depression and the pain and get to the point of doing something about it.  If MH members don't want to listen to it, they don't have to.  However, if they do and if they are real friends, they'll listen and remain your friend.  It would be so helpful if we - including myself - could find a way to say, "I'm just not up to talking right now" in a diplomatic way so nobody gets hurt.  That's what I thought communities were for - if one person wasn't able to help another, there was another member there to listen.

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