When Your Faith Is Gone

[neveragainplease]

I'm clean 8 days and feeling much better. I started using when I got divorced. My marriage was built on a conservative foundation. I rejected my faith, even having my church membership removed at my request. For the last three years, pills have been my God.

Now I have no God that I seek. I feel alone, except for the people who love me, and YOU ARE ALL INCLUDED in that, and I know that the love of God is through his servants...I am no stranger to miracles, nor to Christ Himself.

In fact, I saw Him in a dream years before I got hooked on pills. I have known Him. Now He is a distant memory.

I am no longer religious. The basis of my divorce was that he had a secret life as a crossdresser and homosexual. I'm not against being lesbian or gay. Just don't use me and FIVE innocent children as your cover. My life was a lie and my world was shattered.

I realize this is an open forum, and how dearly I want and need your input. Please be careful in your answers and stay on topic...this isn't about being for or against organized religion, for or against gays and lesbians, or even about the divorce. That's far done, and over.

What this is about is that drugs were my God, and I once lived day by day in faith...I rejected the false idol of pills, and as I recover I want to find a place in me where faith can grow.

When I pray, the old images from my former religion come in...they feel false too. I know there is a huge difference between religion and spirituality. I seek a spiritual recovery.

You're an amazing group of people. Please share your hearts and minds. Recovery is from within. Is not the spirit within?

[ariley13]

Very beautiful evolver. Neveragain  I think that you just have to get it where you can whether it be the beauty of nature, your children, whatever. I know that it can be extremely hard for agnostics and athiests to hand it over to a higher power. I've even heard of people having their dog or cats as their higher power lol. Whatever works! Just try to hang in there. I know it's hard. I've been struggling with the same thing.

[neveragainplease]

Your collective beauty brings tears to my eyes. I have not grieved my marriage ending... deep breath... the higher power is in the leaves, the sky, the rain...all things work together for the Good.

[EvolverU]

This is something that is so close to my heart. There is a big difference between Spirituality and Religion and It sounds like you're at that crossroads. That tells me that you're Evolving. All the great Wisdom traditions - (when you look at the highest practitioners/mystics) - write the same things. This is quite different from what organized religion and 'arms of the state' preach & practice. That's not to say that people who have faith and practice their religions can't be 'spiritual', they absolutely can be! But I've found that just because they do - doesn't make them 'good people' or any better than folks who don't.

What I've found - (and also what all the aforementioned mystics/masters say it's about) - Is that the true focus is meant to be on 'inner' work. It is about Love and Stillness. It is about letting go of attachment to: fear, habits, things,  'opinions', anger, jealousy, 'knee-jerk' reactions, etc. It is a 'breaking' open. An act of compassion first to yourself and then to others. It is the miracle of turning your 'mistakes', etc. into strengths/learning experiences and finally wisdom - of understanding the lessons that the Universe has been throwing our way all our lives, if we could but perceive them. It is letting others be themselves. It is about letting go, opening our hands, forgiving ourselves and those around us.

I was at the same place you are now about 7 years ago and my explorations into this area changed me enough and granted me enough strength and peace to finally make the leap off 20 yrs. of Methadone and almost 30 on Heroin.

The change comes from within. We discover that the problems do not lie outside of ourselves but in our reactions/thoughts, words and deeds - that ultimately, we alone are responsible for the way we do and see things. This was an incredible and scary revelation at first but in the end it turned out to be extremely liberating.

[OpenMind24hours]

I'm sure your faith is there. It just needs to be rediscovered. You're at the point in your recovery where you know that you need to find a power greater than your addiction. Congratulations! You're moving along in recovery.

Our understanding of a Higher Power is completely up to us. No one can decide that for us. In my primary program of recovery NA, the only suggested guidelines are that this power be loving, caring, and above all, greater than us. I attended AA for a long time. In the big book written in 1936 they said all we need is simply the "willingness" to believe that such a power is there for us, and we're well on our way. They also mention the "greater than us" theory many times in the chapter to the agnostic.

You're so right about spirituality. That's what it's all about here. Religion is good. I go to mass with my wife and I honestly get something out of it every time I go. But, religion is for people trying to stay out of hell, spirituality is for us who have been there.

[neveragainplease]

My brother is 22 years clean off heroin. He refers to God as his HP. LOL

[Gretta96]

I just wanted to say I feel for you and understand.  I'm not very religious, but I have suffered pointless tragedy and wondered why would God do this to me.  
You can be spiritual without God/Christ, but it's pretty much the same thing.  You are trusting in a higher power.  
I wish you a speedy spiritual recovery, in whatever shape that may be.