Max I think i can relate to some of what you say ... don't know if I can help but ill try. First i think your instinct is dead-on about the xanax. Not only do i think the addictive personality thing holds true, but benzos are in their way as much as or more addictive than opiates, imo. the thing is, it's hard to realize when you're addicted to them, or just dependent, etc and the progression is so insidious and fast. also getting OFF benzos is a Nightmare with a capital N!!! its horrible. and you have rebound anxiety which is exponentially worse than the initial anxiety you were treating!!! but i know xanax is at time prescribed for severe anxiety and i'm not a doctor but that's my .02. in terms of the happy = reward ... for me that happens a lot too and im a year clean. when i feel that 'sigh of relief' feeling, whether its a person, or event, or accomplishment that makes me feel that way, i often have this feeling run through my brain and body right afterwards like "i want to get high" or "i want my vicodin back' ... idk i have never heard anyone talk about this event and im not sure if its quite the same as what you're feeling. getting depressed and bored is a common trigger for many of us, too. take advantage of the NA and ALL the support you can get. it will help! don't give up you're doing great!
Hey, Max. That topic comes up all the time in meetings. You know why you want to get high when things are good? It's because you are an addict. Whenever we have a feeling: happy, sad, depressed, ecstatic, suicidal, our first thought is: drugs. There is nothing unusual about you, that's just part of addict territory.
You say your meeting is not until Tuesday night? I'm so glad you're going but you need to go every day. They say at the beginning to go to a meeting every day that you used drugs or alcohol. In other words 90 meetings in 90 days to start. You don't need to be in a position where you are having to wait over 24 hours for relief. Either go farther out to find another one or supplement w/ AA. It's REALLY important for success to make meetings a habit in the early stages.
I agree completely w/ Meeg about the xanax. It won't help you deal w/ life. It will only add a potential new problem. Don't go there.
I know the feeling, whenever I have a great day or everything is going well I used to always be like screw it let me take something and enjoy this moment even more. Even my opiate addiction started at the height of my career just because I thought I deserved the reward for my accomplishments. Very funny how our minds work sometimes. I think eventually you will change the way you think though, it's a learning process. Fortunately I also quit drugs during that same height because I didn't want to try to quit in the middle of any crisis if it happened. It took me a long time to get away from that feeling and sometimes I still have that craving. Just be careful and good to realize the problem now because realizing it once it is too late is awful. I also strongly agree with Xanax comments, don't do it! The fact that you're even questioning it shows that deep down you know the answer. Save yourself the pain.
My son seems to do the same thing after a good week. He moves a step forward and then rewards himself and takes two steps back. I think that it is how we have conditioned ourselves. It's friday! Party time! Maybe finding something that you are really passionate about and throwing your spare time into that might be your new desired reward in time. Be careful of the lies we tell ourselves. "I've been good and I deserve this. I can handle it now" You should reward yourself but with something that keeps you moving forward to a better place. You deserve it!
I guess we just got to learn to cope with it for the time being? I apprciate all the replies! That addict state of mind sure is something, though I'm not caring what high it is, but I just want a buzz off anything and that's what's scary.. That's the reasoning I came to and I told my doctor im just to unsure about the xanax to feel safe while taking it, so I told him il be passing but he wrote me a script of 10 and said if it gets unbarable take one. So I threw that script away before leaving the doctor lol. I know it would help on those ****** days but I'm hoping after getting further into my recovery the attacks will go away naturally. I mean I did take Vicodin for a reason so xanax would be the same thing. Anyways I've been in NA for about 7 weeks now I've attented about 25-35 meeting already, though 90 in 90 days is impossible for me, plus it took 3 groups to finally find the one I like and they are 5 days a week so I'm happy with where im at NA wise. This site is just another form of NA for me. Anyways today marks 9 weeks clean off opiates not a long time but that number will be growing!
WOW!! I am SO darn Proud of YOU!!
Not only did you toss that scrip, you have been going to tons of meetings.
Keep it up. Those carvings will get less & less, but we have to be very careful about those Triggers. Many, many things can trigger that Pleasure part of the Brain back up and it will want to be Rewarded..I find it to be SO true!
Very Good Madmax88..Now I am going to call you Happymax. Hugs!
Not that it was funny then....but now I lmao.....the night I got my 30 day key tag I was soooo proud of myself I actually thought about celebrating with a drink at a local bar???? How stupid us that??!!!! It's the way we've rewarded ourselves in the past....we have to learn a new way of thinking....I say up the N/A mtgs to every day for now, if you can. That's where you'll learn this new way of thinking...good luck to you....
wow, ditto what Vic said, you threw away the scrip AND going to NA AND 9 weeks! great job Max! keep going!
Hey Max congrats on 9 weeks your doing great in the beginning the cravings can be ruff most addicts get them it is what you do with them that counts just know with time they do get better and you will learn what others do in the meetings with time you will loose the very desire to get high something I thought was impossible keep posting for support where all here for you...........Gnarly...............