Where I'm supposed to be?

[meegWpaw]

Hey hi again ... omg.  I had 41 days, out for 4, now I have 33.  And I'm back in the same **** place!  I'm depressed, my muscles are freaked out with pain, my mind is going back and over with obsessive thoughts.  I know I have a lot to be grateful for.  My habit was long (some 12 or more years I don't even know) and heavy so its like, I should be glad I'm here.  I made it through pretty good.  But I'm down a lot.  Yeah I have some happy times and some good days and I see I am sort of getting back on my feet.  Got a job I'm not sure of but I think I start in 2 weeks.  I have been working out but like someone else who posted I am dismayed that I don't have the stamina and energy I had when I was chugging my pills ... I can't seem to get my fitness back and i look bad (imo) and that makes me reluctant to go out and do things ... though it's dumb because it's a personal thing that I think others don't totally see.  As during the last round of recovery, I feel way worse in the mornings.  I feel sometimes like I have no goals, though I do, but I feel like nothing drives me or inspires me like it used to.  My body feels like a leaden mass I am dragging around.  What's the point of all of this rambling?  YEAH relapse.  I did it last time and i was in exactly this mindset.  I cancelled all my active scrips but you know I'm smart I can always get some somehow if I really wanted.  But with my habit, the massive amount of dope i put into my body for so long, if I take more i could go anytime ... right?  is this going the right way?  Am I really where I'm supposed to be????  Please advise.

[wishfulthinking57]

I was in the same boat.  There were many things I could only do if I were high.  This is just now when the inner strength comes into play.  Like I said, try exercising a little even if you're gonna absolutely hate it.  Exercise releases endorphins in your body, which will enhance your mood and help make you feel better.  Can also try getting out with some friends, maybe seeing a movie or something.  I spent so much time alone in my room high that when I finally go out of the house with friends and was actually around people, I felt so much better.

[Innerstrength67]

Hey meeg, I know it's so hard in the beginning especially when our lives have centered around drugs. It feel like someone tore off our arm. But as the days go on, it gets better. You know that. You just need support from people who know exactly what you are going through. My life centered around getting, using...etc for 2 years. What a living nightmare when I look back.
I wonder if I will always miss the high. Maybe, but I can't live on that addicted merry go round anymore.
Hang in there!

[meegWpaw]

@trama, wishful ... thank you so much.  it really helps to read both ur posts.  I feel like I just got a deep breath again ... morning here, so that's hard.  i just keep having the thought that everything i used to look forward to ... being high ... is gone ... so what do I look forward to?  i'm just going to try and jam pack my day with things to do.  though those things seem meaningless ...

meegan

[wishfulthinking57]

Hey Meeg, welcome.  I'm on day 7 clean from hydro and percs(haven't really mentioned the percs yet on here so, may as well through it out there) and I gotta say, it really gets better.  Everything you described is exactly what I was for 5 solid days, for 24 hours.  I went out and bought some vitamins and a full body cleanse and got in touch with old friends who i'd dismissed for my addiction for the past year or so.  A combination of the vitamins and getting out, having some fun with your friends, will really really help.  I now at day 7 feel about 50x better then I did on day 5.  Everyone has different body chemistry, BUT you can do it.  You came to this site, you posted, so you obviously know what it is you want, to be free of the drugs.  Well you're going to have a whole bunch of people backing you up on here reassuring you that you CAN be free of the drugs and you WILL live a normal life again.

Here are a few things that will help make you feel better (if you don't already have them), vitamin b-6, vitamin b-12, DHEA, a multivitamin, and L-tyrosine.  I would have referred you to Thomas' detox recipe but it seems to have gotten lost amongst the pages, so there you go :).  Also I see you mentioned fitness, if you'd like any help feel free to shoot me a message, I'm a certified personal trainer and would love to help you get that going.  Trust me, exercise will help A LOT as well, even if its just taking a walk somewhere.

Hope to hear you're doing great :)

-wishful

[LeaAnn807]

Hey, congrats to you on that clean time.  I know that this is a hard "bump time' for everyone.  The time past the acute WD but before you start feeling wonderful??  What got most of us into this place to begin with was not being patient and wanting to feel wonderful every second of the day.  We have to break that cycle of thinking.  This is the time of recovery where it takes learning that patience for feeling better and for all things in general.  Sometimes, even though I have been clean a while, I still feel like I'm at day one again!  It's just not as simple as saying ok....day 1-5 you feel like you'll die.  Day 5-14 you feel a little less like dying, but still can't sleep or eat or stay out of the bathroom and have no energy.  Day 14-60 you are just trying to regain all of what you lost and need back.  My point is.....after the first week, everyone is different and things happen at a different pace for everyone. For me, it took what seemed like forever to get sleep and energy back.  Yes, there are things you can do to help, but nothing except time can really help!  My biggest frustration and confusion when I went thru it was that some days I would feel pretty good all the way around.  Maybe for two days.  And then BLAMO......I would feel like I couldn't get out of bed.  And this was after 2 or 3 weeks!!!  

I'm not trying to stress or confuse anyone.  Just explaining that it's normal not NOT have your days turn into good ones and just stay that way!  Good and bad days come and go.  That is the one thing that IS a given!!! : )

[meegWpaw]

Yes, Ray, I wonder why you ask if i'm an addict.  i was addicted to vicodin for over 12 years.  

I'm in Narcotics Anonymous.  It is helping.  It's just that sometimes I still feel bad despite it.  But yes, it is a tremendous and wonderful resource ... thank you.

[Ray420]

maybe you should try Narcotics Anonymous. Sober addicts cant live normally without drugs. You can learn to be happy without drugs in NA.

Question is, are you an addict?

It's easy to get sober. The hard part is stayin sober and being happy with your life.

[ricart70]

thank you,i have not had any of those thoughts this time.lucky for that.yeah the opiate insulation is too much and blocks out the entire outside world.well,off to bed,this is a great conversation.hope to tlk to you tomorrow when we are 100% healed lol

[meegWpaw]

Oh, Ricart, you crack me up.  Yah the world will keep turning.  Though i do worry about it myself, I must admit.  It's crazy the thoughts that run through my head ... but at this point in recovery I'm never sure which ones ran through my brain before junk and which after and which when and ahh!  Yah like that.  I'm bipolar, so I'm well acquainted with depression as well.  The pills just made it worse imo.  But suicidal ... I think that is actually less now because when I was on da junk man I was thinking about that all the time (in the last year).  Hope that's not coming.  I worry when I read that it's in your thoughts.  I know we can get so down, as that's what made me post today ... but since you're at a very similar juncture as I am, I would say what you said:  hang in there.  Yes.  For me it was really important to talk about those inclinations (suicidal) with a therapist, and then do whatever I could to sort of block or banish thoughts like that.  Yes, I totally relate to that insulation thread.  I mean, that's a huge part of taking that stuff right?  Gives you that shield, that wall, whatever.  Now it's gone, yes it's torture at times, just dealing with this **** head-on.  But that I think is getting a little easier each moment, no?  I'm sorry you feel bad sometimes.  Feel good that you are helping me so much today...

[ricart70]

Yes I wish we just had hangovers and could wake up tomorrow and feel all better.I kind of have an issue with appreciation of things.I find myself wanting to get back things and people whom I have lost when logically I can't do that.
The depression from these pills is way over the top though and makes regular depression(I have that) like a walk in the park,comparatively.I remember when I was only a little while clean a few years ago and I would be walking down the street and think(I know this sounds horrible) I would think I wish this car that is coming would just hit me and run me over.The pills when withdrawn take away our natural insulation that keeps us from worrying about every little thing.I want that insulation back.I think the big things are just too much to think about and will come later on their own.I think the world will turn without my help for a bit longer.But not much longer.lol
  

[meegWpaw]

to ricart & Mommy --

Thanx so very much.  Ricart you are totally on the money.  yes yes and yes.  I want to wake up in the morning and be all better!!!!  it's the little things that kill .... ugh ... yeah gots to do those.  Only comment I have to the contrary well, I _want_ to do the esoteric things and i want to do them like, in a fantastic way ... lol.  Guess that's a shot in the dark if I can't wake up and put on a pair of running shoes .... but yah.  Reading the methadone nightmare is like, putting things in some perspective.  yes i do appreciate what I have, and I have a lot.  I just get  real discouraged sometimes.  So thanks again.

[ricart70]

Oh and meeg,just by quitting and not continuing to use you will automatically become a better person to you,your friends,family and society and You don't have to do all sorts of esoteric things and hope you are doing them right to become a better person so just continue what you're doing.Now that is one heck of a run-on sentence.

[ricart70]

Your welcome meeg,with where your at and where I am right now it helps to remind me by saying those things to you.I do know that last time I remember feeling quite a bit better between day 30 and 40 but this time I took it quite a bit further over the edge so I may have to add some days.
  I do know this stuff takes alot out of our endorphin production and it takes a bit longer to get back.And you are right,it is hard.I,myself am still expecting to wake up feeling all better tomorrow morning lol.Part of me knows that will not happen.I hope your job works out though.I think when we stay off long enough we have no choice but to get goals and do the stupid little things that keep us busy.
  About the other side of still using.I just talked to a friend and he just got kicked out of the methadone clinic when he ran out of money for them two weeks ago.They put him on this ridiculously rapid taper and he has been off for 3 days and is super sick and just screwed.At least we can sleep tonight and don't have to wake up sick and scamming.Things are relative I guess but it will come a day when we notice a big difference.I know a little difference is just a disappointment if you are anything like me.Oh and yeah morning suk.Glad they don't last all day

[Mommygonewild]

When you know better you do better you can change anything as long as you believe you can. Thank you to all for getting me through my first week

[meegWpaw]

That whole post is so helpful thank u sooo much.  Yeah the rhetoric is drving me *** crazy.  Ok good idea I'll let it go ... for a while.  And I will give it more time.  Time time time.  Yeah I know I put a lot of time into my habit and now I have to be patient getting out of it.  But that can be real hard.  Your words help me to be committed to doing it ... thank u!

[ricart70]

Hi meeg.I am at 36 days right now so about where you are.I do not have my energy back yet either.
  I don't know about being right where you are supposed to be.That sounds like some kind of folk saying that seems to be of little value.That saying also seems to be bothering you at the moment so I would just discard it.The fact is though that you are way better off than you were 33 days ago.
  I could easily run 5 miles when I was clean 2.5 years this last time.When I relapsed on the pills I could still run five miles easily......for a while.Then I lost energy steadily while taking high amounts of oxy so the energy they seem to give you is only temporary.Just hang in there for another 10 days or so and don't worry about sayings and all sorts of other folk knowledge,slogans and rhetoric that makes you feel bad.I also got way too mired up in that stuff and that alone almost killed me.Just know that you cant trust your own thoughts right now and that things will get better with time.Keep posting and let me know how you are.