Who can relate a little

Question

1 Year 2 months ago my mother {I am now 46 } passed of cancer ,it was hard I was her caregiver ,by her night /day for 5+ years ,she was able to do most of her daily things for herself so it was not physically demanding and I have no regrets.Within days or a couple weeks at 45 years old I snorted Heroine the first time and did not stop.I will not use it as an excuse that I started using because I partied all my life.Drinking mainly.Now my dad who at 74 has been diagnosed w / colon cancer .To help him better I just stopped doing Heroine NOT KNOWING HOW BAD WITHDRAWALS are.Holy crap on a cracker,the poops ,vomiting ,hot/cold sweats,etc... but the Friggin worst was the leg kicks SEVERE ANXIETY .My god it was nothing I had ever experienced.Well I now have guilt ,anger , depression , I feel so bad because he is sick and here he has been now several months paying for what I told him was opiate addiction { IT IS } but I never said Heroine.I did over the past 14 months have probably 6 MAJOR withdrawls.{1st } was when I heard of Suboxene ,took it way to early and it through me into SEVERE WITHDRAWAL because it was about 6 hours after snorting a $50 + on Heroine..was not warned it had this blocker and would F*** me up this bad.My last say 2 months I have not gotten high {big waste} I have only bought and snorted it NOT to get sick,big waste of dough and I am tired of giving the low life seller all my$$$$ To cut this BOOK shorter ,I went through a lot of my own and a lot of my fathers $$ because ,my DR. is a quack ,the Methadone clinic wanted a couple $Hundred Down then so much a week/month and I have no licence /car to drive there and stand in line for my 1 dose daily...For those saying ******** ,I live in a nice mobile home community,got rid of all my so called drinking friends because I quit years ago.There are times I will not go a mile from home for months at a time / not by choice but because I could now can not leave my mom / dad alone for periods of time.My {H} was delivered to my door within 15 minutes daily.In patient here is called DAWN FARMS and they want a year in patient{cant leave dad}I just got state insurance called several numbers to no avail.I went to a phyciatrist yesterday to see if she could put me on methadone because I hate suboxene.She of course said no ,not after 1 visit .I can't blame her she does not know if I am serious or just took a **** load of narcotics and expect her to give me more.I am still going to her for other issues but I do not expect much from her untill she trusts me.My main thing is {DO YOU FEEL TRAPPED}by opiate addiction....Does it consume your every thought ,{UNLESS YOUR RICH AND BUY TONS AT A TIME}.I can't make plans to leave state to see my kids unless I took enough **** with me to not get sick {W/drawals}.Are you always looking for it? and making sure you find it before you get sick{w/drawals} ? LOWER YOUR MORALS Do things you would never do to get it...My dad is having his colon removed so I made a point to just do it..Yes its only been 24 hours and as terried I was of athe ANXIETY and the NERVE ENDINGS in my body being on fire I decided to just 1}Understand its going to suck 2} I will not die 3} It will ease up and go away when the poison from the drug decretes itself out of every fiber of my being 4} Know I will not be 100% soon ...BUT 5} I will know longer have to endure the 1st painful night of this hell again if I stay clean 6} I am not stupid I partied all my life ,do not do anything but smoke cigs and up to a couple days ago {H} Which I started at 45 quitting 46.I drank from 15 to 38 and just got full ..SURE TEMPATATIONS are there daily....The easy access and euphoria keep us going back but for me this withdrawal **** { I would Rather Die } especially when I was buying not to get high but just not to get sick..OH YEAH remember I said the worst part for me was the leg kicks and anxiety..I cheated my phych would not give me meds my 1st visit so I actually told her "I have self medicated this long and tonight would be no difference" I had 3 strips Suboxene {yuk I hate that orangish smell} and i bought 6 football xanax AFTER LOOKING up to see if Xanax and Suboxene we ok to take together.I was wore out knowing for 4 days Monday was my day ,so I took 1 football at 7 pm {I was exausted} knowing I would start my withdrawal an hour or so later.I awoke at 8:30 starting the sweats ,anxiety etc......So I took my 1st whole 2 mg strip of Suboxene praying the 500mg percocet I took for back pain would not throw me into WITHDRAWAL.still tired I luckily fell back to sleep for about an hour 1/2.Now I was hot/cold ,had the kicky legs ,anxiety was rising....I knew I would be in major withdrawal soon.So at about 10:00-10:15 pm.....I took 2 footballs {xanax} slept another couple hours until my damn dog had to go out.Now 4 am 1st xanax was 9 hours ago and I was feeling sick in the stomach ;so I let my mutt in said **** it if I have not seen the worse I do not want to now that I had slept through most .I took my 2nd Suboxene and yes 3 more Xanax.So 6 xannies in 9 hours not recommended but I have a huge tolerance {professional Doctors Agree}I woke 7 - 8 hours later feeling fine the anxiety I worried so much about and the fire ants I slept through.I do not recommend taking that many but if you feel any of the kicking leg syndrome ,SEVERE ANXIETY to where sleeping is impossible.I would do it all over again if I had too because I slept through the worst parts I feared.Also I had people check on my well being every couple hours I did not take all those xanax w/out some kind of family monitoring

gsp1968 · Answer

feel so much better being off that ****

gsp1968 · Answer

I will seriously jumpoff a building before enduring the withdrawal pain ,humility,etc seriously already found the site

gsp1968 · Answer

I broke a lot of bones and never had a withdrawal,I thought withdrawal was just a little hand treble here and theres.Boy was I wrong I have near 2 weeks,Jan 11th a 5 am when I snorted my half line to just not get sick.Sorry your mom got mean and I wish my mom would have set her straight from life beyond.Good days no problem I have this licked ,when dad passes and that big  insurance check is deposited thats where I worry.I hated the witdrawals soso bad i prayed to die during the worst.I do not condone it but xanax saved me.No xanax,no suboxenene,no {h} NO NOTHING I can HONESTLY TELL myself that now.I realize telling others its yeah ok good for you.They either think you will go back or have no clue how hard it is.

VICourageous · Answer

Hi & Welcome.
Sorry to hear about your parents!!!!!
I ditto the above and YOU are not alone.
I have been using and drinking off & on for over 40 yrs. In 2012 I came off Methadone and a benzo with one other med I added to my Done. PLEASE do not go on the Dones. I have detoxed from hydo/oxys and the Dones with the Benzo was so long and intense. I was 13-14 when I started and 56 when I stopped. I have not had a drink in over 10 yrs or more.
I just wanted to share with you that a yr ago my parents where very proud. Then a yr ago in my 18 months I lost both parents, father-in-law and my happy boy dog. Plus a few friends later. This was very Hard on a addict who is used to running or drinking to numb this pain. I stuck it out by having to UP my outside support, plus all my friends on here. Then in my 23rd month I ended up in the hospital having a Heart Procedure. Now I am on Heart meds that make me sick..It seemed like my whole world turned up side down and it was not fair.
The good NEWS is that almost 2 and a half yrs later I can see my God slowly opening new doors. This all takes time & patience. Addiction is a brain disease and it is not our fault, but now we can make choices. The BIG part is the after affects. The brain has been so unbalanced and when we use opiates it blocks receptors to where we can not make serotonin and more. So this is why after so so so many months people hit that mental and they go back to using. We just have to understand that the longer we used the more we have to heal. Just hang in and DO NOT use those other meds. The Benzo is a worst w/d then the heroin. Be Safe and go hit some meetings...ANY!!!
Bless

gsp1968 · Answer

thanks 12 days 12 hours,actually doing ok,you people here help realize i am not the only one and its ok to talk abouti take care of my cancer wridden father ,that not real time consuming the hardest part is boredom,thats when I used when I had down time.2 nights at 11 pm I completely demolished and rebuilt a huge closet that had a bad draft ,needless to say no draft but i cant afford to remodel my whole house ,but it {cravings} are way easier

constance246 · Answer

When I read ur story, I was reading my life. Can I relate! Only my dad went 1st in 2001. My husband and me and kids rushed back home when we found out he had cancer. I was able to have him another yr and like you,he only wanted me to be his caregiver. After he passed I had lost my hero. Something happened to my mom also. She became so mean to me and me only. We came back to the only house we ever had.Well, mom decided she should sell our little house.Yep they owned and we paid rent.She gave us till Oct 1st to be out.That gave us 2 months to find a house. Needless to say I started taking opioids with beer of course.I tried to stop but a so called friend said try this. Well "This"ended up being crack. It was off to the atm. In 4 mo time, I was arrested, lost my business and just about bankrupted my husband. This was first offense and my lawyer said don't worry, you will get community service. The judge saved me for last,I walked up to him and smiled because I was alive and had 25 days sober.He thought I was being a smart *** and sentenced me to 5 yrs. My sister stood up and pleaded with him for rehab. After what seemed like a life time he agreed.I did 3 mo in jail waiting for a bed to open. It changed my life and I had 8 yrs sober until I had to have neck surgery,the pain was intense so I told myself I'll take them responsibly, yea,that worked for maybe a day or 2.Pain management doc said because of my degenerative disease I would be on them for years. Well, 5 yrs later 3 more discs went in low back.Now waiting for injections in joint in hip,ran out of meds 2 weeks ago but had some Neurontin. It has helped but I still fall alot and the pain is nothing i've ever had. I was given oxymorphin 10s and Percocet 10 for breakthrough pain ativan for anxiety. Ate them like candy and didn't touch the pain. Right back where I was yrs ago minus the crack. Im 53 now and i'm a wreck. Took care of mom untill 3rd time she fell on me.She is in a nursing home now, my brother and I could no longer care for her.Thanks for letting me ramble and congrats on ur sobriety. Maybe I can do it again  one day. When I'm head to toe titanium.

Cricketk92 · Answer

Congrats on day 11!!!!  So glad that you are feeling better!!!  The days will get better from here as long as you stay clean!!!  Have you gone to any meetings yet?  Or any kind of aftercare?   It is really important to do that in order to stay clean!!!  Without it your mind will start playing the addict brain tricks on you and you could find yourself back out there again!!! Keep on doing the right thing!!!!  And be proud of yourself!!!

gsp1968 · Answer

day 11 ,stomache a little better and more energy .If I ever do heroine again ,I am finding a tall building to jump from b4 I withdrawal again

gsp1968 · Answer

Thanks I have taken a little of each of you into my experienc4e and it works ,thanks.No matter your intention to post ,it is read and in alot of cases {me} absorbed and remembered

Heather8448 · Answer

Try after care...aa or na or cr
its free
eventually you will have to deal with some bull sh** so if it were me i would cut the subs. BUT THATS ME AND I AM NOT A DR
I lost both my parents and was on methadone for MANY years when I quit CT
I am alive a year and a half later
but I wanted it and I stayed clean NO MATTER WHAT except a joint I smoked so I will have a full year is like 16 or 17 days
I go to meetings I work steps and I stay clean
Its hard and scary but my parents never saw me clean what a motovation
have your dad see you clean
Baths music and keep moving
pray and have faith
and dont use no mattter what

Merri123 · Answer

Ok I didn't get through it all enough to figure it out I think. 

I detoxed from heroine. 1st 1-7 days are the worst. Then you feel like you have a raw stomach for a week and at 14 days it allwent away and I felt great!!!

So stop taking all the xanax and Suboxone. You are prolonging the bad part.  Just ride it out. Use the time your Dad is in the hospital to get through this.  Believe me it will stink but is worth it. 

Look up the Thomas recipe and get the vitamins and supplements. 

Xanax is addicting. Suboxone has a horrible withdrawal detox to it. 

You just have to do it.  Take lots of hot baths with Epson salt. And sleep as much as you can. The first couple days you will be super tired anyways.

gsp1968 · Answer

Sorry for the book ,and I know there are others with more serious problems , Mine just came at the VERY WORST TIME of my life.I know by experience what I say or what others may say are through only what we went through .Each Person will Have a Different reasons /excuse for why they are where they are at , but if you have a problem that consumes your every thought or interferes in your life in any way .Please stop blaming others and take responsibility  1}admit your problem  2}address your problem  3}face your problem  4}confront your problem  6} kick your problems ***.........Sorry but that's my way of looking at it.