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Why is my oxy addict boyfriend like this?

Hello everyone. I was living with my boyfriend for the past year. He would use Percocets recreationally but even then I suspected a problem. This past summer he broke his leg and now is a full blown oxy addict. His leg has fully recovered but he says it still hurts and needs the pain meds daily. He buys them illegally and spends about 800 weekly on 20mg buying them 30 a piece. Long story short he was awful towards me when he was withdrawing abusive insulting me and even to the point of getting physical. He no longer had sex with me totally indifferent towards me. Just on the couch in his own world staring at his computer. When I checked the history on his computer it shows he was searching prostitutes and erotic massage parlours. I have ended thing with him and moved back home. I feel horrible about myself. I am an attractive sexy woman. I have never been in a relationship where my boyfriend didn't want to have sex with me. Could someone please explain to me his behavior? If it lowers your libido why go the hooker route? I am so hurt by everything!
16 Responses
Avatar universal
Because a Active Addict cares about nothing but his own desires oblivious to the people he hurts along the way You are wittiness to a person that is shut off and only focused on what brings them pleasure. You are very lucky you had enough Pride to walkway because you will not win in a situation where a person is devoid of respect loyalty.There loyalty is to themselves only. Take good care of yourself.. lesa
3 Comments
Lesa thank you for responding. I don't know why I am so hurt. This whole relationship damaged the way I feel about myself and the way I feel towards men. I have to remember drugs are his first priority and that the best decision I made was to leave. I am going to go to therapy because I am angry at myself for not leaving sooner.
I'm sorry you were hurt so bad. In answer to your question it hurts so much because when we show love for another it makes us vulnerable we show our true selves and when another is casual with it it hurts it hurts our heart and pride that they feel it is not enough but it is not you in this instance he is blinded by his addiction by his own gratification. I'm glad you are going to seek help but please do not be too hard on yourself just make sure the next is Worthy of Your love ok, warm hugs
Thank you so much for your wisdom
495284 tn?1333897642
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am very proud of you for walking away and claiming back your life.  That is very hard to do.  It is very common for a loved one of an addict to feel the way you do.  We are so consumed with our addiction we forget about those who love us.  Our addiction is first and foremost.  As Lesa said, dont beat yourself up too long.  You sound like a very intelligent person and one who deserves to love and be loved.  I hope your ex gets the help he needs but this is about you.  As for the sex.....it becomes non existant and turning to porno is pretty common.  That also has nothing to do with you.  I wish you the best and please keep in touch with us.  We always like updates!  Be kind to yourself~  sara
1 Comments
Thank you Sara for responding as well. It was difficult to leave but it was getting to the point of me crying everyday and talking to him until I was blue in the face as to how worried I was for him. He kept saying he was going to quit would go three days with all the withdrawal symptoms using Valium to cope with the anxiety, diarrhea, no sleep, super moody and nasty insulting me, kicked me and I fell and that's just a few of the many abusive things he was doing. Then he would go buy the pills and the cycle continued. I still love him and care about him but I am completely damaged now. I am angry that I stayed for as long as I did hoping he would change. I told him he couldn't do it alone but he said he needs them now. Can a person quit on their own? It also hurts my ego that he chose the pills over me. Doesn't even seem like the break up affected him at all.
Avatar universal
Hi, like the others said, I'm so impressed that you left. Thank God you did. He kicked you? Oh hell no. Never EVER put up with that. And that isn't necessarily a detox thing, that's him.

It wouldn't hurt for you to check out alanon. You are still blaming yourself in your thinking that he chose drugs over you. (there is no "choice" drugs beat everything.) Alanon will give you some clarity and teach how to separate yourself from the addict. It will also help you figure out WHY you chose such an unhealthy partner. It will also help with your obsession in trying figuring this out. You are driving yourself crazy and you don't need to.

I wish you the best of luck moving forward. And wish only happy and healthy choices for you.

1 Comments
Thank you I am driving myself crazy thinking what I could have done differently and maybe if I was prettier, taller, thinner, had more money he would have changed and quit oxy. It sounds insane the way I'm blaming myself for his addiction. I went to a co-dependent meeting last night and today I will search for Alanon meetings in Manhattan. And you are right the day he laid his hands on me and blamed that it was because he was going through withdrawals I should have packed my things and left. I want to love myself enough to never be in this situation again. I keep re-reading each of these responses when I start feeling down. Thank you for responding and to all of you I wish you health and happiness in your lives.
Avatar universal
Hey Misike,

Detoxing and putting your hands on a woman aren't in any way related.  I went through withdrawals too many times to remember and never once had the urge to put my hands on my wife.  That's an upbringing or personality type thing not related to drugs.  I'm so glad you left. The violent stuff just usually gets worse not matter what you do.
4 Comments
Thank you Danny. Reading these responses and as each day goes by I feel stronger. I know through a mutual friend that he bought 1500 dollars worth of pills this week and they insinuated that he has gone to erotic massage parlors since I left. It hurt really badly to hear this but then I realized it's not my problem anymore and you are right the whole physical abuse part of it should have made me run out the door but I forgave it thinking it had to do with him being in a foul mood from not having his pills. I need to thank my lucky stars that I'm still not under his roof dealing with his disrespect. I do hope he gets help.
Any time Misike.  Hang in there and things will get better.  It's hard some times to have the self confidence and I guess feelings of self worth needed to walk away.  Once some time passes you'll probably look back and have a hard time figuring out why you didn't leave sooner.  
Exactly Danny!
I can't wait till that day comes. I woke up today with so much anger and sadness. I need to let it go.
495284 tn?1333897642
COMMUNITY LEADER
When we are in active addiction we will never choose the ones that love us.  It doesnt matter what you look like or anything.  The drugs are our main focus.  There was nothing you could of done or said that would of changed his mind.  Only we the addicts can do that.  As for the physical abuse?  Oh hell no.  Noone deserves that.  He has to deal with his demons so dont let him rent anymore space in that head of yours.  You focus on you and getting better.  Check out alanon.  They have been or are going thru the same thing you are.  Keep posting to us as we do care~
1 Comments
I am so happy to be getting so much support and help in understanding addiction. Today is my birthday and I celebrated my past two birthdays with him so there is sadness when I think he won't be present. But I know it is for the best. This is the guy I wanted to marry and have children with but imagine if that was the case how worse I would feel.
495284 tn?1333897642
COMMUNITY LEADER
Happy Birthday!!!  You did give yourself the best present, taking back your life.  It is no life being with an active addict.  Now you can surround yourself with happy healthy people.  When you least expect it someone will walk into your life and sweep you off your feet!!
1 Comments
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Just arrived home from my birthday dinner and needed to read that!
710547 tn?1295449630
Wow - you have no idea how important it is that you left! A person who let's you know so clearly that their needs come first - and your needs are irrelevant - is giving you advance warning of what will be your life with him. My ex husband warned me before we were married that he was a jerk. He showed it too. But I was in love and just knew I could prevent problems with my love!!!!!!!

Oye - 27 years later, he tried to kill me after I said - stop the abuse or I will leave. I called the police and he was put in jail for the weekend - and we never lived together again.  I should have listened to him! He gave me all the evidence I needed early on.

It doesn't mean there aren't good things about these abusive people. Of course there are. That's why you miss those good things. But trust me - there are other men out there without self centered or violent traits. As long as you really love yourself and believe you deserve to be treated well - you'll find a great guy. Happy Birthday! (Belated)
1 Comments
I am so sorry you went through that. Yes this one showed his colors early on and I just ignored it. I feel so foolish. The sick part is I wonder everyday if he thinks of me or regrets everything he's done. I highly doubt it though. I'm trying hard to focus on me and my self esteem because it's at it's worst. I know staying with him would have gotten worse. Proud of you for getting away as well. Thank you for your advice. I can't thank you guys enough.
495284 tn?1333897642
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes he knows he screwed up but the drugs keep us numb to our feelings.  I am a firm believer in the theory that if it was meant to be it would of been. Once you get thru your self esteem issues you will look back at this as a learning experience.  I look back at my past relationships/marriages and i dont hate on that other person anymore.  Those past experiences have given me life lessons and i take what i want from each experience.  I have been clean about 91/2 yrs and am in a very great marriage with a man who i just adore and him me.  This one is based on trust, honesty, a ton of laughter and a ton of love.  He understands addiction and calls me out when i want to ride the pity train.  He is my biggest supporter and my harshest critic, all what i need.

Do you take any vitamins/supplements?  Am not sure where you live but during the winter months and the rest of the year vitamins can really help our mood.  Our days here in Minnesota are shorter now with not alot of sun exposure.  Vitamin D is good along with Vitamin B's.  Check into something like too.  We recommend those for people coming off drugs but they would help you too.

Keep working on yourself. You sound like such a great person!
1 Comments
Thank you so much. You seem like such a strong, smart, loving person. Congratulations on 9 1/2 years sober that is amazing!!!! I hope to find a relationship like the one you have with your husband. I truly get down thinking how I wasted time and how I won't find the one. It really makes me unhappy and I still have so much hurt especially with the cheating and more so the verbal abuse that he did towards me. The things he said are hard to get out of my mind. He texts me everyday about the dog and I want to tell him to eff off and how much I hate him but then I feel like an awful person. I am going to look into the vitamins. I still have so much anxiety about him and wondering if he's met someone. Meanwhile I don't even want to think about dating until I work out my codependency issues. I hate feeling sad over this but I know it will take time. And I believe like you what is meant to be will be. Sending you well wishes.
495284 tn?1333897642
COMMUNITY LEADER
It wasnt a waste of time. The heartache is tough but the things you are and will learn about yourself will be well worth it.  Gaining knowledge about addiction is also a good thing.  There is such a stigma attached to it and the more people understand the better off the world will be.

Now for the bad news here....At some point you need to break all ties with him. He is still renting space in your head and using the dog as bait.  We are masters at manipulation.  Mental and physical abuse is a b!tch to overcome but you will get there.  I know time seems to stand still when we go thru this but each day you are getting stronger.  Sit down and write out all your good qualities.  Keep that sheet of paper out and add to that list as time goes.  I know it sounds corny but it does help.(  I had to stand in front of the mirror and smile at myself)

I am really glad you have stuck around here.  I look forward to your updates~
1 Comments
Feeling down cause you are right he is using the dog as a bait. He dropped her off today and proceeded to tell me how great I looked that I lost so much weight which to me was a backhanded compliment then I saw on an app that he's been paying women to have sex with him. Feel incredibly hurt.. I haven't had sex with anyone since we ended things and at the end he wasn't have sex with me yet now he is paying other women for sex it's a huge slap in the face. I need to stop snooping but I can't help myself. I don't get it if pills lower your libido then how come he is paying women for sexual favors?
495284 tn?1333897642
COMMUNITY LEADER
It is very hard to face the ones we care about and to add in sex is extra hard to do.  Paying other women for sex doesnt surprise me.  We have no emotional attachment to them and it doesnt matter how we perform.  Our insecurities come into play big time and that affects our performance and that may lead to confrontation, something we run like hell from.  I am not making excuses for him, i am just speaking from how i operated.  Please dont let him become any more of an obsession than he already is.  He isnt even close to wanting to get his life in order and he sees that you are.  He will prey on your weakness right now just to feed his needs, not yours.  He may even promise you the world, that he will change etc.  Dont fall for any of that.  Right now he will drain you of everything and i mean everything.  Have you checked out Alanon at all?
2 Comments
Yes and I've been going to meetings. I feel better these days and especially after reading what you wrote. Truth is I don't know why I want to understand why he does what he does like paying 1000 weekly for pills now. Maybe I had hope that if he lost me it would make him want to change. I've come to accept that I am doing way better without him. I was so sad all the time with him now I feel happier and alive. I realize I am codependent so I just have to work on myself so I won't get into another relationship like this again. It hurts knowing he is continuing down this destructive path but it isn't my problem anymore. I am happy I can vent on here... he drinks a lot while taking oxy so if he does this to himself why would he treat me any better? Today he claimed he wanted to see the dog I said I was busy cause I don't want to see him. I just want to be strong and not feel hurt anymore.
Yes and I've been going to meetings. I feel better these days and especially after reading what you wrote. Truth is I don't know why I want to understand why he does what he does like paying 1000 weekly for pills now. Maybe I had hope that if he lost me it would make him want to change. I've come to accept that I am doing way better without him. I was so sad all the time with him now I feel happier and alive. I realize I am codependent so I just have to work on myself so I won't get into another relationship like this again. It hurts knowing he is continuing down this destructive path but it isn't my problem anymore. I am happy I can vent on here... he drinks a lot while taking oxy so if he does this to himself why would he treat me any better? Today he claimed he wanted to see the dog I said I was busy cause I don't want to see him. I just want to be strong and not feel hurt anymore.
Avatar universal
Hi, I am so glad you are going to meetings. Alleviating your obsession w/ this dude is going to take time. They say that addicts are addicted to drugs and alanon people are addicted to the addict. You have an addiction too, of sorts, go easy on yourself.

I hope this isn't out of line but as an extreme and fanatical dog lover, I hope there is a way you can keep the dog away from him. We wouldn't want a child to be alone w/ severely using addict, why is a dog okay? This guy is in no position to be in responsible for anything. Not to mention, your interactions w/ him keep your obsession alive. I would talk to some of your alanon members too for more support.

You are doing great. It takes time:)
1 Comments
Thank you so much and I agree with that. I don't think he should have the dog bug he keep saying it's ours. I am going to a meeting today and will talk to my group.
495284 tn?1333897642
COMMUNITY LEADER
How are you doing?  I agree with jifmoc about the dog. Hopefully you will get something figured out with that.  
1 Comments
I'm doing better. Been working on myself and booked a trip to South America leaving the end of this month. He's come by saying he wants to be friends and for the time being I have the dog and he claims he misses her and wants to see her. I know he's being manipulative he's like I'm in a really bad predicament I suggested rehab again but he uses the fact that he doesn't want to lose his job so he can't go to rehab. It helps that I have been seeing some guy Ive known since high school who makes me feel pretty and actually can't keep his hands off me. It feels nice to feel wanted even though I don't want to jump into anything at the moment. I have been looking at options for the dog asking if people are looking to adopt a dog problem is she is a pit bull that he rescued off the street. I love her so much but I can't have her around my nephew because she is bad with kids and other dogs.
495284 tn?1333897642
COMMUNITY LEADER
Enjoy your trip!!!  How long will you be gone?  Make sure to take lots of pics!!  I will be enjoying the sub zero temps of Minnesota!  lol   How old is the dog?  Is the ex taking her when you travel?
1 Comments
I left at the perfect time New York was having similar weather as Minnesota. I've been sight seeing, spending a lot of time with family, beach, pool, eating a lot of yummy food and relaxing. He's been taking care of the dog and giving me daily updates. I thought I was finally slowly getting over him but then a mutual friend tells me she saw him out with a girl. I don't know why I'm so bothered by it I keep thinking is he going to change for her? Will he treat her better and stop being an addict and here I am with two years wasted and single. I've been up since 6am on my vacation with all these awful thoughts making myself feel completely bad. I know what I lived with him and I don't want that back but don't know why I care if he is dating someone. I guess I feel like will this girl be the lucky one he will be change for even though I know in my heart its not my problem anymore.
495284 tn?1333897642
COMMUNITY LEADER
Just enjoy your vacation and quit worrying about him.  Until he quits using, gets into some sort of aftercare, works his aftercare every relationship will end in disaster.  When we are actively using we use anyone or anything to get what we need.  At some point you will feel bad for any girl who crosses paths with him.  At some point you are going to have to completely cut ties with him.  The dog is your "excuse" right now.  Time to take some action on that.  

I'm dealing with high cholesterol so enjoy eating for me please!!!
2 Comments
Th
Thank you and you are right I even addressed that we have to find a home for the dog as we can't continue sharing her and I can't keep her full time. I feel awful but I had to move back with my parents and my mom is deathly afraid of dogs. I know Sarah you are right and I've been writing in my journal and accepting the fact that I can't get upset anymore about who he sees and stop comparing myself to the girl. I have to let go and learn to love myself. I know I deserve better. The food here in Argentina has been so amazing! Seriously think I gained 10 pds!!!!
Avatar universal
Misike,  This guy put his hands on you.  This can't be blamed on opiates.  People that do that sort of stuff don't change.  Any woman who dates him long enough is going experience it.  You are so so so much better off away from him that I just can't emphasize it enough.  You're way way way to good for this dude.  You're way to good for any man that would even consider putting their hands on you.

I have to agree with sarah, find another solution for the dog.  You need to be permanently away from this guy.  

Go on your trip and have fun.  Relationships that don't work out aren't wasted time.  Each one is a learning experience.  You learn and grow and become more mature with each until you get to a point where you're ready to meet the right person
4 Comments
Great post Danny!
Thank you Danny! You and Sarah's reply helped me stop feeling bad and realize I am so much better off. Poor girl who gets involved with him. I just need to keep getting stronger and cut ties with him. He is dangerous and toxic. I owe you guys and this website so much because it truly does help venting and your replies make me think and feel like I'm not alone.
Any time Misike.  I'm glad this helps.  
and thank you Sarah
495284 tn?1333897642
COMMUNITY LEADER
You will never be alone here my friend.  We just want you to know and feel how really special you are.  Keep enjoying the vacation and food!!!!
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