Will Power

[bodybuilder1]

Hi everyone. I was just wondering what you do to combat that almost overwhelming urge to get high when you happen to have a large quantity of your drug of choice in your possesion. Today for example I got 4 days worth of meth (480mg) cos the pharmacist is going to be closed for a few days and the temptation to take a big dose is overwhelming. As a competitive bodybuilder I know about disciplin and will power but the power of this drug is something else. I am ashamed to say that this morning I was as excited as a kid at christmas to think that I was about to get a big bottle of meth and I was even late for work because I just had to get to the pharmacy before going to work. God I'm so ashamed. Everytime I take a big dose I always say I'll strt my taper tomorrow but as you know tomorrow never comes. Methadone and thoughts of methadone consumes my every waking hour and some of my sleeping ones as well. I wish I could find the strength to beat this demon. Thank you for listening and god bless you all. Graeme.

[oneway]

Glad that your back. Honestly I couldn't do what u were doing by holding those bottles there. I know I whould be happier then a virgin in a ho house if I had all that around me. I really think u should let someone that u trust hold onto them. I didn't get my friends taper schedule but I'm going to get it today. I know that he would only ween down about 2 mg a week if he felt like it was to much then he would only do one mg a week. He said it was much easier to cut down when he was on the higher dosage but once he got down to 50-60 mg he started to taper super slow. He said the key to success was listening to his body. It took him 18 months but he barely had wd when he came off.  Oh and by the way I think ronnie should have won the O this year even though his back wasn't as good as previous years I thought it was still thicker and as wide as jays. Also his glute and hams were a little looser then before but I think it was a case where the judges expected nothing less from ronnie and puniished him for it.

[gipsee]

When I first came on this forum, and was trying to figure out how I was going to quit w/my opiates... someone (and I don't remember who) tried to talk me into going into a methadone clinic.   More than 6 weeks ago...I am sure glad I nixed that thought... Metadone for vic w/d would have been trading one for another.  Man I'm glad I didn't make that decision.

I was using opiates for pain (yea right) for 5 years...Clean a month.  Anyway... that's not the point.

I quit...taking a dose @ around 3pm in the afternoon, with a brand new 'script in front of me... still in mfg bottle with the tin foil on the top... 'cause it was pre-packaged in my Rx'd amount.   Since quitting I've been finding my little stashes all over the house, in purses, under the bed, in pill cases.. truly one or two pills all over the place.

My mentality would go over the roof with anxiety if I didn't have any pills.  Sounds nutty I know...but each week I'm clean I move that unopened bottle to a more remote harder to reach place.  Right now it's in a suitcase in the attic.  I used to have it right here on the desk to remind me of how ugly I felt going through W/D.   Guess I'll be considered cured when I can throw it away.  I went Cold Turkey... because I wanted to do it for me...not because I ran out of 'script early (which I never did) my phycosis was about never running out.  But I did find a way to abuse.

See how ... when you were training... every fiber of you wanted to be the BEST you could be.   Your self-will was there.. being in the competitive world you were in took real discipline.

That's how much you need to work on not taking anything.  Every fiber of you has to 1.) not want the merry go round any more and 2.) be ready to give in and stop.   No one can do it until you are ready... plain and simple truth.

We are all so very different.  And, it all washes out to taking that last pill....however it happens.   Going on a taper to me for any extended period of time.. would be pure hell with the opiates... I thought they made me smart... I thought a lot of things... they are NASTY...NASTY...NASTY .. Methadone is an animal I know very little about... just that it's very addicting.   My drug of choice is Vicodin....

Reach out here... keep posting...there is nothing in your new bottle that has any kind of life of it's own...you have to give it power... so it's all YOU....those pills are lifeless...until you give it life, then it takes a little bit of your life each time you enable it.

Gip

[michaelg63]

yes,.....you are on a very high dose,..120mg a day!....how is it that you get methadone from a pharmacy daily?...or do you mean a methadone clinic?..are you getting pills or liquid?...are you prescribed meth for pain control or for addiction maintenance?

Anyway I was on meth for 7 years for addiction maintenance to heroin....been off of everything for 2yrs...truth is is that it was one of the most difficult steps I ever took, to actually decide and follow through with letting go of methadone....I was only on 50mgs a day...but that just means it would take you a little longer to detox.....I went slowly as someone mentioned in a previous reply, 2mg aweek....then I did 1mg a week when I got down to around 20mg....my last dose from the clinic was scary.....I had great difficulty sleeping for quite some time....my leg would flip and kick every time I was feeling like I was falling asleep, this continued for about a 6weeks.....but still you (I) didnt really feel quite right for almost 6 months (lack of energy, sleep problems, diahrrea, concentration, no enthusiasm) it can be very difficult to work into your "Working" Life... if it were possible for you to plan ahead and take off a month from work that would help.

[bodybuilder1]

In England we don't have methadone clinics like in America. You just go to your GP(Family doctor) and he can prescribe anything you want whether its for addiction or pain it doesn't matter. Like I said he initially prescribed me anything from a week to a month at a time but because I abused it I now get a fortnightly script but the pharmacist gives me 1 bottle of liquid methadone per day to take home. I was origionally on the morphine and oxy for pain but now the meth is supposed to be to wean me off opiates gradually. If you think 120mg is high I started on 400mg per day and since I was picking up weekly it meant I would walk away with 2,800mg of liquid meth from the pharmacy every week and I would still use this up within 3 or 4 days and try to con the doc for more. I don't know if its because of my high muscular bodyweight or not but I could go through mind boggling quantitied of opiates although that is most certainly NOT something to brag about. You guys are so supportive and kind but I'm at the end of my tether. Many nights Ive stared down the barrel of my 9mm trying to think of a reason not to pull the trigger. I know that's a stupid thing to do but please don't judge me. It's just that drugs have consumed me to such a degree that I can't see any light at the enf of the tunnel. I'm sorry for rambling on and sounding so self centred and selfish but I have noone at all in my life and I just wanted someone to talk to. Thank you all so much for listening and may god bless you all. Graeme

[oneway]

Man I've been there I to have put a gun to my face in front of my girlfriend. Let me just say one thing this is not u. U have become the drug also coming on and off steroids while doing opiates makes u physco trust me I know. I actually have tried to blow peoples brains out on my pyscho steroid opiate crack induced rampages. Remember this IS NOT YOU! Also don't think that your life couldn't be worse because u could be some african kid livin in sierra leone. The drugs use to make me feel so sorry for myself but I found out if I wanted to stay alive I would have to stop feeling sorry for myself and take action. Now I'm like 26 days clean.

[chemmonster7]

the reason not to pull the trigger is you want to be clean and get back to doing what you love methadone is abitch gee and I thought I was on a high dose 350 just keep posting

[oneway]

Yo bodybuilder if u ever need to talk about whatever feel free to aim me or chem. My screen name is alpoazie and chem is chemmonster7 if you don't have just download aol instant messanger.

[bodybuilder1]

hi oneway, your right about the o. The judges just didn't want Big Ron to take the 9 wins record. Although he was a bit off and looked to be suffering from a few minor muscle tears I still think he is a better overall athelete than Cutler who I think is just a blocky lump. I've always thought Ronnie is a great ambasador for the sport and a man for young kids to look up to. Talking about bodybuilding (a subject on which I could talk for hours) has actually made me forget about the meth for a while. Thanks oneway. lol