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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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Avatar universal

Xanax creeping back in my life-long read but worth it


Here is the story of a 27 year old man, who thought he had everything together. Right now:  I am a homeowner , have a well paying job and drive a nice car. But it wasn’t always like this. I used to be a broke 21 year old making $9/hr. I do not know if my problems stem from personal problems, drug problems or a little of both. That’s what I need help deciding.


For clarification as to why I was on xanax: I was NOT diagnosed with bipolar, depression, schizophrenia or any of that stuff. I was diagnosed by several doctors as having just generalized anxiety disorder. I have been to several therapists over the years since 19 years old. All they did was drug me with Zoloft, paxil, lexapro. You name the SSRI, I tried it and nothing work.

When I was 19 I was prescribed xanax for anxiety.  I began abusing right away. By the age of 23 I was still on it and abusing it heavily. Taking 3 or 4 at a time and drinking on top of it (mostly just on the weekends). Eventually, taking 6-8mg a day was nothing for me. I would mix it with hydrocodone I got from a buddy on some occasions. I used to drive messed up, go to work messed up etc.  I even snorted it a few times and even used to sell it too for a brief period. Once I sold some and had to buy it back because I was so addicted. II did this and it got really bad during a 6month period. I am lucky I didn’t kill someone or myself while on the road

I ended up in the hospital in 2004 (when I was 24)  from becoming addicted. Well what happened was I went through withdrawal while in a car and had a massive seizure, resisted cops at the scene. I woke up handcuffed to the hospital bed,  in leg shackles too,  with a gag over my mouth (spitting on nurses apparently). I do not remember any of this. They thought I was on PCP at the hospital. That was rock bottom, and it took me a year to get off of the stuff

When I bought and moved into my house in 2006 I was clean. But then I started partying with one of the neighbors. He and I raided the medicine cabinet one night and took everything we could find, including xanax and drank on top of this.  That next day, I left my house for work. When I got home, the front door was wide open. I thought someone broke in and stole all my stuff. Well I was so messed up, that I realized I had never closed the door behind me.  That day, all the pills were flushed down the toilet


Last 2 years or so things have been great, partly because I have become a loaner.  But I havent touched the stuff.   I stay away from friends, public places which may cause anxiety and stay away from WOMEN. Yes, I barely go on dates even though I am told im a good looking guy a lot. It’s the only way I feel stable (staying to myself in seclusion). But that is no way to live life.  I feel like the woman parts leads to abuse sometimes


These past 3 months::


My life is:
Wake up, put on a smile to my boss all day  and speak properly
Go home, stay to myself and my cats. Watch lots of movies, don’t leave the house.
Go home and think about how I’m almost 28, not married and not even dating.  I feel like I have so many problems and they all get compounded when I am stressed/depressed/anxious. I start looking at myself from under a microscope and find all kinds of things wrong with me.  Physically, mentally, emotionally. I sometimes fear going out. And times like these I need an escape

I finally met a really nice girl and we have our first date Friday. Guess what? I began abusing again this week. I am really nervous. I snorted some xanax tonight and felt really bad about it. Am I destined for this fate?  

Maybe I am making all this sound worst than it really is. I am a business professional and make good money. When I was really abusing xanax, I was making $9/hr and poor. I do not even know how I scored the job I have now. I feel like I have everyone fooled (i have no college degree yet have this job)   I thought getting a good job would help me get everything together. It worked for a while but I like getting mesed up to drown out the other feelings.  Being calm isn’t enough, I need to go beyond.

I don’t know what I really feel, I am confused. I felt proud for overcoming my past issues, but now it seems I am starting to repeat them. Any other addicts chime in? I don’t know if Im an addict again yet, just used it twice so far since then
9 Responses
Avatar universal
Wow I read your entire story. Sound very familar as me...esp the part about being almost 28 and single, not married adn lonely. Guess what, I'm 29 and I will be 30 this year and I'm sure I wont meet anybody. I guess thats the wrong attitude, but after 3 or 4 years of nothing, no comments from cute women, no flirting, no dating, no nothing. I am totally alone! And I'm not half bad looking, and i'm decent sized guy. And I have a great career job and drive a nice truck and a decent car. But it sounds like you have an oportunity to meet somebody, Can you try to enjoy women without xanax? They really are sweet creatures! I would love one to like me so much as I like her  :-( but that doesnt seem to be in my cards. I always end up with extremely overweight, or extremely unnatractive women that are willing to talk to me. I hate the way I'm sounding here...that is it wrong that I beleive physical attraction should exist?. Hnmmmm
Avatar universal
Wow I read your entire story. Sound very familar as me...esp the part about being almost 28 and single, not married adn lonely. Guess what, I'm 29 and I will be 30 this year and I'm sure I wont meet anybody. I guess thats the wrong attitude, but after 3 or 4 years of nothing, no comments from cute women, no flirting, no dating, no nothing. I am totally alone! And I'm not half bad looking, and i'm decent sized guy. And I have a great career job and drive a nice truck and a decent car. But it sounds like you have an oportunity to meet somebody, Can you try to enjoy women without xanax? They really are sweet creatures! I would love one to like me so much as I like her  :-( but that doesnt seem to be in my cards. I always end up with extremely overweight, or extremely unnatractive women that are willing to talk to me. I hate the way I'm sounding here...that is it wrong that I beleive physical attraction should exist?. Hnmmmm
Avatar universal
WOW....
I just went through this with one of my husbands childhood friends last night. He feels the need to abuse xanax to be social and able to have a good time. My husband and I kept him from going to jail twice last night and then I ended up having to call the police to come arrest him for hitting me, his girlfriend, and my husband. I'm the only one who pressed charges on him. He is sitting in jail right now. I didn't want this for him but he crossed the line. He was soooo messed up and fighting the only people who care about him and were trying to help him. He has totaled 4 vehicles in the past year from xanax and drinking. It got so crazy last night that he pulled a gun on us and was threatening to shoot all of us. He will not remember doing this when he sobers up and that is one of the worst things. Ive been prescribed xanax for GAD too but fortunately I only take it when I HAVE to. It is not something to mess with, and definately shouldn't be mixed with alcohol. I believe if you were abusing it before and were addicted to it then chances are it's the same case now. Just my opinion. And I'm NOT bashing you or being judgemental. I wish I could have videotaped what happened last night so this guy could see himself and how he was acting. He will undoubtly find no fault in himself for what he did, but in return blame me for him going to jail. I was the one person who defended him and tried to help him. He does not want help. Please do yourself a favor, stay away from the xanax, hopefully you will be able to find the root of the anxiety you feel and address it in other ways than xanax. It is bad news. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are going places with your life. Don't lose it all now.

jesusfreak
Avatar universal
I feel like you are telling my exact story, Im a 21 year old male I suffered from severe anxiety. Than my doctor put me on Klonopin, they became my magic pills. B4 i started taking them i had panick atttacks quite often, being around a attractive girl would make me extremley nervous I could barley look in her direction let alone make eye contact or speak to her. But thatn with the klonopin its like i became Mr. Smooth I am comfortable in any environment I hang out wit girls all the time (I know this would be imposible without benzos but I dont wanna go back to being nervous all the time and not even havng the nerve to ask a girl out) I also drink on them, My monthly script never lasts the whole month I get xanax and valium and viks/perks from friends, oxy's once in the blue. I know i am straight up addicted but its the only way I know how to deal with life. I know if i continue I wont live a long life but i still dont stop. I kinda see my self dying like elvis in my forties with alcohol and pills in my system. Its like I feel down the road maybe many years from now one morning im just not gonna wake up and Im having as much fun as i can until than. I have my whole family fooled they think i am recovered and clean. (done the rehab thing)...... Think that about sums me up I had to respond to ur post b/c it couldnt hit home with me any harder.....
Avatar universal
Keepthehope and jesusfreak, thanks for the responses. Believe me it means a lot.  Keepthehope we have some similarities.  I don't want to grow old alone either, as pathetic as that sounds

Youngdude421, thanks for posting man. I know EXACTLY what you mean.  Fooling the family is sometimes the hardest pill to swallow. My parents knew I was abusing the stuff but didnt try to intervene. They happened to be behind me at the traffic light, when I had the seizure. I caused a traffic accident and they saw the cops trying to calm me down. I am glad I do not remember any of this.

The past year and a half have been "good" because I have lived an extremely mundane life. I go to work, come home. Stay to myself. I stay away from all the friends from highschool whoa re bad influences.  I have stayed "stable' by following this. The negative side, is that it fools you into thinking you are "normal."  All it takes, as you can see, is a nice girl to come along, and BAMM. My inner demons wake up and bother me.

And youngdude, I know what you mean about the elvis death thing.  I am trying to "smile now, cry later" as the saying goes

Avatar universal
I am 26 gonnabe 27 in a little over a month. I have been with the same woman for going on 14yrs now with the exception of sweing wild oats as a teenager(banging hot chicks).. I always knew she was the one though.. we are engaged now and due to be married. No kids though.

My point, is that I feel she is the best woman EVER! She has been through EVERYTHING with me, and there is ALOT MAN!  I have a wonderful partner and I should feel great.

I dont though. I am so alone and empty.  I live through xbox360live because I am so weak when it comes to being around people. I never used to be this way. I used to be an all-star athelete!  I was always popular, but not one of those snobs though.  I was always a "PEOPLE PERSON" and was always the life of a party or conversation.  Since I was about 19yrs old it has just gone downhill and gotten worse and worse every year!  Even with her by my side, I cant snap out of it.  A woman is not the answer to these issues guys. There is more there.  I have been on Klonopin, Xanax for going on around 4 years now.. This was the ONLY drug I NEVER ABUSED!  I took it the actually way the bottle said to.  I always had many many pills left by the time refills came.  I havent been able to figuer out anythign anymore.. The only time I can go out and feel quote"N0RMAL" is with about 300mg of oxycodone in my system!  

I hope you all find ways to make this better. Just thought I would give my story, from the side of someone who does have a woman, and a great one at that.. YET I STILL AM ALL F##$%^ UP MAN!

GOOD LUCK
271792 tn?1334979657
What I am hearing is that you are already abusing in the anticipation of having a date. If you continue that behavior, you will probably use on the date..and guess where that will go?

I really feel that you need to get to the core of the problem. The drugs are a mask for what is really going on. It is a shame because 99% of he addicts I know are genuinely wonderful people. They just don't know it.

Have you considered seeking help through an addiction counselor? I just feel that would be a great tool for you. Get to the bottom of the problem. You are young and have so much ahead of you.

Great to see you here and hope to see you post again.
Avatar universal
wow I read a lot here I just wanted to make my mark..i'll probably reply again..but there is some deep converstation goin on here about women and drugs. I'm just gonna say right now tht I know neither of them are the answer for a happy life, but it sure seems like it could help......well it doesnt matter to me tho, the woman thing, I have been totally alone for years now so as far as lonely or heartbroken it cant get any worse so I take comfort in that.  Here is an example of my lonlieness, the past few weekends I drive my dad to his older people club so he doesnt have to drink and drive, and I go in and have a coke or two with them...then I go home and goto sleep probably by 10 or 11pm every friday/saturday night....sad huh? All this while trying to cut back on the hydrocodone. If I take 50mg or less in a day, thats a good day.
Avatar universal
Hey man,
Things started downhill for me too when I was 19. My grandfather died and I started abusing the xanax. I had a great girl by my side at that time (all the way until I was 21) but it didnt work out

Well I went out on that date and it was amazing.  We actually saw each other a second night because we clicked so much. Now she is on her way back to school. So I am here alone. At least I felt alive for 2 days

I am so anxious/depressed/confused all at the same time. I wish I wasn't me and wish I could find a way to make this pain go away

I have made some bad mistakes in my life. But I realized, from these past two nights, what I have been missing.  Women may not be the answer to all of my problems, but with this girl I feel like I could face anything.  The saddest thing about all this, is all my potential. I am a good looking guy I feel, but have a ton of problems. So I am just damaged goods
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