being tested

[Dane74]

I just cant seem to catch a freaking break i swear.  So on Sunday my ankle swell up like a balloon and hurt like hell, i waited it out to see if it would get better, and of course it did not, so today i went to the Orthopedic to get my ankle checked out, that hurts like hell, nope not broke, and the ligaments are all good.  Of course i cant have something normal as there is nothing normal about me.  I have allot of fluid in the bursa sac that is causing all the pain, they are worried about infection, i am non weight bearing and in a boot, and have to see a foot and ankle specialist on Monday.  So here i sit with a RX of norco!!!!!!!  Who will win this fight?  Does it ever end?  I am just so dam pissed at life right now i cant even began to tell you.  As soon as i think my leg will be ok something goes wrong, waiting on the blood results as they were ordered stat, and if all the fluid is still there they have to drain it out.  So i guess this is a test to see if i can win this battle, of course i already failed the first test and got the RX filled, but i also called the shrink and said i need to see here ASAP.  i am just so frustrated and sick of the constant fighting to be well.

[optimus22mac]

I just wanted to let you know how much I admire your strength...I've been on and off the site the last few weeks for a number of reasons, and did not see your thread until now, so I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this! I had some severe pain abt 2 weeks ago, and I came so close to going to the doctor and giving up...yes I have the suboxone, and it helps my everyday pain...but it doesn't even touch any acute pain, flare-ups, additional injury etc etc... I've made it through with ice and motrin, .and now, reading about your resolve has helped me so much also.  So proud of you:)

[Sonrissa]

You simply amaze me all the time! I think you may be the strongest person I've ever seen! You are inspiring and I know that I face some issues ahead of me, another knee surgery and shoulder surgery! When that time comes, I will think of you and I will read your posts for strength and encouragement! I pray I will have your strength! Keep it up girl! You are the best!

[vicki595]

I will NEVER give up on you...

Now, take that East Coast Edge and get that appt.!  I think a tendon tear can be seen on regular X-ray ... Ask the doctors office (they won't know) haha
But, I think an X-ray may show it; it's just not a money maker like an MRI...I hate the system...and the BS...xoxo

[Dane74]

Vicki, i would not be where i am now mentally without all your help, thank you so much for not giving up on me this past year.  I am happy to know you are "beginning to get my point"!!!  Waiting on insurance to approve the MRI, do you believe this $h!t???  I will be all over it tomorrow and pull my NY attitude on them to make sure i get an appointment, still status quo on the ankle, so swollen still, it just doesn't go down, and it been over a week, i just hope its a partial tear in the tendon and then the rest is gravy.... love you

[littlebit667]

We need a new card dealer for you guys!  The one you have *****! :)
I hope the MRI helps you make the right decisions for you.  Something has got to roll your way!  Keep us posted.

[clean_in_ks]

I think we had the same "card dealer" LMAO

Any news on your MRI?  Appt yet?  I know you will have to wait for results but wanted to ask.

[vicki595]

You've got such a grip Dana; I hope you know that...you're strong and tough and I'm so proud of you Sweetie...

Hope it's feeling a little better. When is the MRI?

[Dane74]

thank you so much for all your kind words, and as for my honesty this is the one place i can spill the beans, so why not....  It took me a long time to get to where i am, and i think after a few relapses and lots of scares and close to death from over doses, i have finally came to my senses.  BUT i am very well aware that this is a forever battle and i just hope it gets easier with time.  We both suffer with pain, so now its just a matter of how much pain we can deal with without a pill, for me, i was always giving a pill and 99% of the time i needed it, but the last few years is when the abuse came into play and now for that i have to live in pain, i treat it like a punishment, i will not be stupid, if i cant stand it anymore or if i seriously  know i really do need a pain med, then i will not have a choice, but for me i would have to be in tears and completely debilitated before i take a pill.  I know my limits, i don't have any, so i learned, the hard way, but thats they way i roll..LOL  And absolutely i have days where i am mad at the world and have a pity party for myself, there  are days i just want to throw in the towel and say sc rew  it, and then i get back down to reality and think to myself, it could be worse, so thats what i live by, i think of people who are worse off than me.  Im not saying its easy, as its easier for me to just feel sorry for myself and i hate the constant battle of addiction, happiness, suffering, etc, but life is life and this is the cards that i was dealt and now i am still learning how to deal with it all.  You are doing great, keep up the good work, and when in doubt, reach out for help.  

[magnoliaooo]

Honey there is nothing NORMAL about me either. I FEEL just like you, if I can't get high I don't want the pills either, I am such an addict with opiates. I remember the last time I relapsed last Dec. the dentist gave me 8 pills only. From the very first pill, which my husband doled out to me, started the whole mind thing to get more, sometimes I think I wanted my tooth to hurt to justify a pill but then one was all it took for me for the mental to kick back in. I saw this post this morning and wanted you to know I am so much like you honey.I COMPLETELY understand what you mean about the high thing. I do hope you get some relief and you know what is up in my life, it is so terribly difficult isn;t it? You know how I feel about you honey, I hope you feel better soon

[clean_in_ks]

Was so glad to get on here tonight and see your update.....a possible torn ligament......that's a biggie.  I am saddened you have to go thru this.

You said a couple of things to me above....that have really stayed with me.

First, you said I'm "just 100 days or so ahead of you so that helps."

You got THAT right......100 days ahead of me is a HUGE DEAL!!!  and you ARE an inspiration to me. A BIG one!!  Thank you for that:):)  

Second, you said "I'm learning how to live life with pain without pain pills."

I sooo needed to hear that.  I am learning to do the same.  Compared to past pain.....broken pelvis, sacrum & tailbone....then 6 mos later 2 disks that used to recede w/ice and rest ruptured, would not return where they belonged (lol) and by then I had NO insurance.  For about 2 yrs I attempted to live my live with those disks out of their sweet little body cavities as they grew bigger and more inflamed.  I really increased my pain pill usage during this time.  I finally had cage replacements, rods & screws put in by June 2011.  Then I really snowballed with the pain pills.  About the time I was admitting I was totally out of control....my hubby's ankle flared up (one he previously had a torn ligament in btw...but many yrs ago)  He woke up one morning and could NOT walk!  So......for 6 mos he/we went thru that and I was literally his "feet".....but....this further put off my addressing my ridiculous consumption of pain pills.  Finally in June 2012, I had no more reasons (or excuses as some have expressed to me) to "put off" the inevitable.  I just knew I couldn't w/draw and be sick and deal with the pain and take care of him, too.  I wasn't even taking very good care of myself at this time.  
I don't mean to be needlessly boring you w/health details.....but what I did want to share was how amazed I was that during my hubby's whole 6 mo ordeal of having the ankle fused due to the prior ligament injury....he took about 6 pain pills (and of course I ATE THE REST!!!)  And they were oxycodone....not hydrocodone.....so I jumped on that like stink on s***!
  
How do people do that??????  I know he hurt.....hells bells.....a rod had been shoved up his ankle.....but he got his oxys refilled for my benefit....not his.  (he knew he was enabling me.....but I was breaking our bank!!)

All my "ramblin rose" aside......you have said it all so well.  I think JUST LIKE you have shared above.  I DO hurt for you, but I, too, would not even "court" the idea of ONE stupid pill.......hey, it hurts, let's just put that pain behind us and take two every 4 hrs! (or the whole bottle like you said)  My brain will NEVER get it.....and I know that.

Thank you for being so honest......and sharing exactly how you feel.
It has helped me tremendously!  I deal with pain every day and find some
days I'm angry about it, other days very tolerant and grateful, and other days just depressed about it.  But "it is what it is"..... "and no matter where I go......there I am!"  LOL

"You have touched me........I have grown"

Blessings dear one~
Connie

[vicki595]

You know what?  I'm beginning to get your point...and I understand.

[Dane74]

Girl i  am taking care of me, i got that dam RX filled and wanted the entire bottle!!!!!  Thats why i went to the shrink ASAP, and together we flushed them, i cant take  them, i am so scared to take it and set my body back to where it was, and i am having WD's already from the Ativan so i cant go there.  I know this is wrong, but i  didn't tell hubby about the RX, i didn't want to worry him, and at this point it doesn't matter since i do not have any pills.  Honestly,  i don't think a pill will help, this is not debilitating pain like i have had in the past, this is just a set back that i have to get through.  This may sound crazy and i cant even believe that i am going to say this, but taking one or two is just not worth it to me, if i cant get high from it i don't want it. I just want this ankle to feel better and then i will be back on track again.  I know i probably do not make any sense.   LOL  Thank you my friend for always being there for me...XO

[vicki595]

You're doomed because that's what you've convinced yourself of...but, hey, I'm not your psychiatrist...LMAO!  

Anyway, hang in there and thank your stars that I'm not there!! I could get you good and comfortable WITHOUT regret!

[Dane74]

mamabear,  I am an all or nothing type of gal...LMAO.  i am already having issues with the darn Ativan, and its only been 4 weeks, if i take just one opiate i am doomed:(    I am non weight bearing without the boot, and with the boot i can walk on it.  Right now i am on the couch with it elevated and ice, not that it does anything, hopefully  i can get the MRI tomorrow and see what it is.  thank you for always supporting me.  XOOX

[ImDONENoMore]

Honey you are WAY too hard on yourself.  I don't know why you do that, but please - you HAVE to take care of YOU.  And if that means taking a pain pill to treat this horrible pain, than that's what it means.  This doesn't have to be the end of your struggle toward getting clean.  My fear is that if you don't treat this pain, it's going to get worse and then taking those meds will become out of your control again.  Your husband is there to support you and help you through this.  Let him, okay?

Please, give yourself the credit you deserve.  Taking the meds (as prescribed or even less than prescribed) doesn't equal failure.  I think that's where your "disconnect" lies.  These are two entirely different situations.  

[vicki595]

I'm so sorry and I keep saying it but I really am...

You know where I stand on these pain issues LOL! And I know your feelings on taking anything...so...it really bites!   But, do you have to be so one way?All or nothing on the subject?   I just hate that you're hurting but only you know what you can handle...

You're not walking on this are you?

Love you....

[Nursey7]

I am sorry to here you are hurting so much. I have no doubt with your positive attitude you will overcome this!! Just take care of yourself; spoil yourself with food that makes you happy, get a massage, a good book ;-)
If you really can't stand the pain though get help because untreated pain can cause more harm than good. Just have someone else give it to you. I will be praying for relief for you

[Dane74]

well, i went to the the doc today for the ankle, i have to now go get an MRI he thinks my tendon is torn:(  OMG, i hurt to walk even in the air cast and at rest it just throbs and throbs.  I am just so darn mad at the world right now, sorry to be such a downer, i am just having a pity party for myself, hey its better than having a pill party.......Nothing is working, ice, Aleve, rest, nothing, and you know what, i honestly don't think a dam pill would work either.

[littlebit667]

Trust me..if the doctor gave me an RX..it would be a tough call myself.  The only doctor I have given permission to give me an RX is my dentist.  He is great and will give me as few as 2 if I need it for dental stuff.  I am a baby when it comes to my teeth.  So far, have not needed it.   You did good and actually gave me strength the next time I waiver!

[Dane74]

thanks for all your kind words, i am just 100 days or so ahead of you, so that does help, a month ago i would not be able to refuse the pills I'm sure of that.  Its a constant battle that we both will have to endure since chronic pain is an issue for both of us.  Pain causes depression, anxiety and of course a major trigger for me, i just need to learn what to do, i am still learning and to be honest i fell many times to get to where i am today.  I take Naproxen  for the pain, its just a stronger version of Aleve, it helps some but does hurt my stomach.  OH girl i get your hubby being your "gatekeeper"  I cant do that again to my hubby, and all i would have to say is ouch and he would give me a pill, so that does not work.  This time around i kept it between medhelp and my therapist, i took action and gave the pills to the therapist, after i romanced them for a day, i am not kidding you i had an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other battling it out, all i can say is i am so thankful that my therapist was able to squeeze me in because if i had that RX an hour longer i am sure i would have taken them.  As for my future plans, i do not have any, I'm just taking it day by day, my life with pain is an ongoing thing and i know that i will need opiates again in the future, but for now, i am doing ok and just learning how to live life with pain without pain pills.  
Congratulations to you on 118 days clean, keep up the good work and just know to keep your guard up, because it goes down quick and can catch you off guard.

[nursegirl6572]

Awesome job!

That really shows strength, and the fact that you thought it through.  You problem solved, and did the right thing.  Good for you!

That being said, it's a good time to discuss with your therapist what you WOULD need to do when life happens and there IS a legit need for pain meds (not saying this isn't one of those times....but you decided to tough it out).  It most likely will happen at some point.  I think everyone should have a plan in place.

[Nursey7]

Amazing!! You are awesome. I hope to be that strong one day. I am with Kansas there is no way I could have done what you did. I can only continue to pray for that kind of strength. I hope everything turns out good and it heals without any complications. Keep up the great work :-)

[clean_in_ks]

You DID an AMAZING thing!  I am inspired....thank you for sharing your details for those of us who haven't "been with" you on the road thus far.

As for me, right now, I couldn't have done that.  I KNOW I couldn't.

I'm 118 days clean......and still in a lot of legit pain, especially today; when I hurt his bad, NO WAY could I be "that close" to my previous pain relief.

I need......really need to hear from people like you!  Tylenol and Ibuprofen
just BARELY take the edge off......but I'm NOT going back!

I personally could not have touched them.....much less smelled them!
I think my "pre-meditated plan" (should I ever need one....God help me) is to have the script totally handled by someone else......from filling, to paying, to touching to smelling.
Problem for me with that is my hubby was my gatekeeper before.....and I absolutely don't EVER want to put him in that boat EVER again.  I tore his heart out with all my begging, huntin, conniving, etc.  When something makes me compromise my integrity and honesty with HIM......I'm in trouble!

So happy you are getting by.....and for the courage to do what you did!!
I'll be watching to see how you come out Monday!
Blessings to you~

[Sonrissa]

I understand a little of how you feel! Just a little! My Orhto doctor is wanting me to schedule a follow up shoulder surgery. Now, before the end of the year, before I'm stuck with a $3500.00 deductible! I can't do it! I just can't! I'm not ready, I'm not strong enough! I can't even go there right now!

Your strength and determination is simply amazing to me! You give me so much encouragement. I, you, we, will get through this! Keep the faith!