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Avatar universal

cincee

it has aslways seemed to me whenever i used everything in my life would go wrong, when i used  i would get flat tires every week.
when i used i got arrested at least 50 times' for things that i was not even part of doing.
i think they call it murphy's law , well it always had a strangle hold on my life ,whenever i  did drugs.
I somtimes thought it was my father praying for me, so i
would say to him stop praying for me , i crashed my car,
lost my job and broke my ankle  that week.

there is the other side of this story, once i started on the
road of staying clean the oppisite happened, everythin that could go right did, instead of spending my money on drugs,
and buying 5 dollar tires at the junk yard  i, bought sears steel belted raidels and never got a flat agian.
i never got arrested agian, inever lost my job agian,
i got custdy of my kids, ect, ece,
when i got clean and went to meetings it was like i was invisible
to the cops, and invisible to bad things coming my way.

i am writing this because  cincee posted that the only na meeting she could find was i the bad lands,in her town
and she would not go there unarmed, well my experence
has always been ,whenever we make that effort or surrender to
go to meetings , we seem to be invisible to trouble.
i grew up in the bad lands in philly so i understand her concern.
when ever i went back to the badlands to start meetings
or attend them i was a little leary but nothing ever happened.
CINCEE -call the na hotlone and ask , there are a lot of meetings not listed , talk to smeone sbout ,in your area.
111 Responses
Avatar universal
You are such a refreshing optimist!!  I can hear the 12 Promises reasonating throughout your post.... I have to admit, I AM skeptical---I can't imagine just being in this program will allow me to " intuitively know how to handle situations"  or that I " will never face financial difficulties again..." I WANT to believe, but I just think there are a LOT of idiots out there who will never have a brain in their head, no matter WHAT!!!  And  those that were terrible w/ money will STILL be poor managers, sober or not!!  Am I too cynical?  Too literal? I would love to think I can look forward to all those things, but it seems like such a Pollyanna viewpoint to me.  Please, Hippy----tell me your secret to letting yourself lose your skepticism.  I AM working my program and have a sponsor and go to meetings.  I'm just getting ready to do Step 9--AAACCKKKKK!!!!!!  Perhaps I just need more time in the program.Peaz
Avatar universal
Hey,

Wheter it's AA or NA....

THose promises come true!

Funniest thing is, I always worried about the cops getting me (Pulling me over while Dunk or high, etc...)

Now, I can't WAIT, and the sons' of ******* don't even SEE me! Just like you said, Hippy.

I mean I still do SOME stupid things, like drivng WAY too fast sometimes, but i guess I'm stuck with that "Invisible serenity" - We've talked about that very subject at my home meeting MANY times.....

Good luck....
And, Hey.... "All we are sayin' ...is give Peaz a chance!"

O.K. -- not very punny, but hey, I'm SOBER on a Monday morning at work.... What do y'all expect. Huh?!

Jess

Avatar universal
Hey, what fabulous typing.

I'm tempted to just leave it at that.

My other big issue about meetings is that I'm not ready to be recognized.  Can't I be sober without telling the whole world?  Please?

I only brought it up that day because I was a little lonely and wished I could just talk to someone who was fighting the same battle.
Avatar universal
I have been waking up at night worried about you.  Please tell us your story today.
Avatar universal
You know... I USED to have a problem with that whole recognition issue too...

But, I'll tell you what. Everyone in those rooms are people with egos just like YOU have. We don't LIKE the fact that we're addicts or alcoholics! Why would anyone "Tell" on YOU --when if somebody hypothetically said to me, "Guess who's in Narcotics Anonymous?"... My answer wouldn't be, "Who?"

My answer would be: (knowing that the only way that the person could really KNOW if someone else is IN NA/AA is to be AT a meeting), "Oh, you're in NA.. Good for you."

See....
Jess
Avatar universal
well, as far as managing money that is a job for a pro.
but i went to live with my father whhen i was 12 and he was and is a aa member, i watched him talk to people and give advice when asked, anyone who listened to him are did well and life was good for them and still is if they are alive , that was 30 years ago, my father has 37 years sober in aa.
very few people who did it there way never made it,.
so as for myself , i am a na member, and i have found that the nore you give the more you get.
getting ivolved wuth a home group  is vital, just stopping at a meeting here and a meeting there  like the lone ranger ,dose not give ya a chance to get to know people, and relationships
wiht other recovering addicts is a big part of the recovery process, a sponser who knows what is up  is important.

i traveled around the country tring to find the people who wrote
the na basic text, because i was not going to meetings if i was not giong to learn who to work it. i did not like meetings or the people for the longest time ,  but something that sticks
out in my mind is  GO THE EXTA MILE, to help others, i made the coffee at my 1st home group for 2 years
i started about 100 meetings during the 80's and 90's when i 1st started back in 84 there were only 10 meetings, and we were were imeshed with aa, and group therpy, so that took a couple years to straiten out.
Avatar universal
But I HAVE heard gossip about meetings before.  And in-patient detox, too, where supposedly trust is everything.  It's been from someone who's relapsed.

And I'm not even ready to be recognized by other addicts.
Avatar universal
how the heck do you post a question on this site
Avatar universal
Hey, where are ya this morning to tell me what day I'm on??
There's no football today is there;)
Avatar universal
Good morning glam queen lol It must be day 9 for you cause it's 10 for me.No football today,just appts. with dentist and shrink lol.Did you have a good weekend? When is your sis coming?

pixi
Avatar universal
sorry for some of the bad grammer and mis spelling
i have to do a better jodb at that,
i want to talk about he steps, since you mentioned them.
step one, acceptance, accept the truth ,we are addicts
we use to live and live to use, even when we put down the drugs we still have our addictive personalities, we subsatute the drugs for , money, sex, shopping, gambling. relationships. ect
the 1st step is a confrontation with the truth.
we are powerless over our reactions to people,places and things.

our life is unmanagable, this has to do wih our life and the life it is referring to is the life inside us, not outside.
we can't manage what go's on inside us , our feelings , our reactions, our thoughts. manage  means controll , we don't do well trying to controll our  thoughts, feelings and reactions.

we learn to accept them in the 1st step , practicing
acceptance  bare's the fruiy of hope , the oppisite is denial.
denial we all have experence with it., my father used to say to me what is wrong with you, and i would argue with him and scream and shout , theres nothing wrong with me.
then later in the middle of the night i would be laying awake in my bed and i would say to myself ,WHATS WRONG WITH ME..
when we accept life the way it is and accept the truth about ourselves, we lay the ground work for a strong begining
twards the road to recovery.
the serenty prayer used to be called the acceptance prayer.
as addicts we are not ogood with acceptace, we want to change our reality, so we use drugs to change it, we are running from reality when we use , when we should be acceptaning it and
making decisions to make it bettter based on principles like
honesty , openmindedness, willinness, faith, commitment.

anthony demello  wrote a book called awareness, and it is good , it is  all about acceptance..

Avatar universal
OMG, it's tomorrow.  I had kinda put it outta my mind, but I am going to have to get busy today.  (putting away the good silver,etc.)  At least I don't have any drugs to hide;-)

Oh, my neck hurts just thinking about it!!!
Avatar universal
I think you hit on a crucial point--accaptance..  It seems like there's always a sliver of denial lurking in the wings; as if it's possible (or even nicer) to think of oneself as "pretty much a drug addict, but not TOTAL, don't cha see..."  But that doesn't account for the fact that I am skeptical about the Promises.  I do service work--I've led tons of meetings and made coffee/ran shopping errands/brought treats to my home group meetings.  That's where I met my sponsor and all the attendees know me very well. They are wonderful to me--I feel safest when I'm there, and know that out of all the people in my life, these people REALLY DO care about me or will do anything if I have a problem.  And I relish that.  Since I went back to work I don't make as many meetings--usually a couple a week, plus once w/ my professional group (which is just like a meeting) and twice a month w/ my drug counselor.  So I try to be involved.  I think I should just be PATIENT.  How can I expect that, after all my years of drug abuse (3-4) that my head will get straightened out in a few months??  See--I can be lucid at times!!LOL  Thanks for your wise words------Peaz
Avatar universal
Will,you be my friend?Please pick me for your team? lol im in a fog,forgot how you said you were doing today......oh yeah not at your best huh?It will get better!It has too.i hope your day gets better.

pixi
52704 tn?1387020797
Day 8.  Doing well physically -- somewhat overwhelmed with work.  But, despite moments where I have to literally stop and "just breath," at least I'm taking bites out of *this* elephant.  No doubt better than feeding it with a stress-free-hydro-smile that allows work to be blissfully ignored.

Finally got some L-Tyrosine late yesteray -  seems to make a big difference.

Reading all posts and taking alot from them, but suspect I will be adding little myself today.

Wishing well for all,

CATUF
Avatar universal
Actually, I'm doing well today.  I had an "off" day yesterday, but am feelin' pretty chipper today.  ("I got a peazful, easy feelin'".....Eagles)  (That's for you, Jess)  Anywho--I got my workout in so my endorphins have kicked in.  I meet w/ my professional group later today so I'm looking forward to that.  We've been together for a long time, and almost feel like family.  It's kinda like an AA meeting, but more psychological, I guess. It gives me hope to see that there are addicts like me who overcome the adversity and go on to get their jobs and lives back and are HAPPY!!  I always feel like a million bucks when I leave there.  
Didn't you make a comment about a dental app't and a shrink today?  Do you like your therapist?  Do you find it helpful?  My first counselor was okay, but I felt we were kinda "hedging" and not really DELVING into **** that I needed to resolve.  So I switched, and have learned more about myself in the past two months than I did in seven months w/ the former one.   You have a great attitude and demeanor,kiddo--it's always uplifting to read your posts.  So yeah, you can be on my team.......L0L  Peaz
Avatar universal
Hey, I wanna play, too.
Avatar universal
Ok ,you made the team lol just don't kick me off when I wont play fair.......And dont forget to hide the good china!

pixi
Avatar universal
Abso*^%$inglutely!! There are no dues or fees--the only requirement is to be genuine and want to help one onother.  By the way, I'll be thinking of you in the next few days w/ your sister's visit and all.  How long will she be there?  Can you tell her to get the pills outta there if you feel yourself slipping?  Will you be patting her down as she walks through the front door? LOL  I hope you can take a few minutes each day to post to us here and let us know how you're doing so  we can cheer you on.  Take care--Peaz

P.S. I feel inferior because I didn't do a Glam-o-rama....
Avatar universal
Im glad that you are having a good day.You do sound chipper.I am doing lots better this afternoon.Back to my silly old self lol hey,we got another giiiiiiiiirl(yuck) for the team.

pixi

ps
think i could have your old job?
Avatar universal
Hi everyone, been away for a few days. On day 15 out of 21 of a Methadone taper program, and so far have felt no physical discomfort, but the mental part is really difficult. My mind is running loops around itself trying to convince me to take more narcotics, to not allow me to be happy without the drugs, and to think about the narcotics all the time. (youknowyouwantityouknowyouwantityouknowyouwantit...)Also, I am having trouble in my relationship with my girlfriend. Since I have been loaded with her ever since the beginning of our courtship about 1 year ago, now that I am getting sober I am not sure how I feel about her. I still care about her immensely, and I think she is a special person, but I might have fallen out of love for her. Or I might never have been in love with her in the first place. Also, my sex drive has become nonexistant since tapering off on the methadone, anyone else experience this negative side effect? It just seems that I can never feel happy enough or attractive enough to get in a sexy mood. Also, my mind has me totally preoccupied with drugs, so that sex doesn't even factor in. I know that this will get better with time, but I just hope it happens sooner rather than later.
Avatar universal
Girls, got god's sake, get to a salon!  Do it today!

My sister has literally put those fat white pill in my hand before.  And she'll have the big ones if she's got 'em.  Last few days her phone calls have been VERY short.  If she's using, she'll know that I know if we talk for long.  Takes one to know one;)

About sex-drive, on my 9th day (according to Pixi) of total ct, and my sex drive is way back on.  Might be lack of opiates, might be feeling free, might be the recipe, I don't know, but I'll take it.

Moxy, I don't think you should make any relationship decisions right now.  You're feelings are not dependable.

Tapering is Hell!  I've never been able to do it, but I understand that with Methadone you really should.

I will be scarce on the boards with the impending visit, but will get in when I can.  I especially want to hear about Chezz and Sean.
Avatar universal
Moxy,

That's very different from my experience. My sex drive absolutely dies on opiates! It has been brutal on my wife and the source of much dishonesty (luckily, I managed to perform at least once, and she got pregnant, so she is not feeling up to sex pretty much right now). It's when I start to taper off the opiates that my sex drive come roaring back...

Everyone: I just got back from the clinic and got my first dosage of bup (a gelatinous capsule that dissolves under the tongue). I'm to go back for 4 more days. Over the weekend, they are available with additional "pill packs"; that is, a menu of clonidine, doxepin, bonnatal, flexeril, and Motrin 800. I get one of these pill packs everyday that are meant to supplement to bup. I'm hoping that I won't need all these extra supplements, that I can store them up in case I do need them over the weekend, and that way, I won't have to make up some lie to get me to the clinic over the weekend.

It feels good to at least be trying to get clean. Man, it feels like so long. I have proven to myself that I am completely helpless against the power of these pills and that I simply cannot taper (that myth kept me using at least a month or two longer than necessary).

I know I'm going to need the support of the people here as the drugs wear off and I'm faced with the me that I've been trying to hide ever since I picked up again last March.

Thanks for being here.
Avatar universal
Good for you Sean.It takes alot of will to do it, but if anyone ever had a reason to stop this cycle,it's you.
                      Good luck,
                        bmac
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