cincee

[hippy]

it has aslways seemed to me whenever i used everything in my life would go wrong, when i used  i would get flat tires every week.
when i used i got arrested at least 50 times' for things that i was not even part of doing.
i think they call it murphy's law , well it always had a strangle hold on my life ,whenever i  did drugs.
I somtimes thought it was my father praying for me, so i
would say to him stop praying for me , i crashed my car,
lost my job and broke my ankle  that week.

there is the other side of this story, once i started on the
road of staying clean the oppisite happened, everythin that could go right did, instead of spending my money on drugs,
and buying 5 dollar tires at the junk yard  i, bought sears steel belted raidels and never got a flat agian.
i never got arrested agian, inever lost my job agian,
i got custdy of my kids, ect, ece,
when i got clean and went to meetings it was like i was invisible
to the cops, and invisible to bad things coming my way.

i am writing this because  cincee posted that the only na meeting she could find was i the bad lands,in her town
and she would not go there unarmed, well my experence
has always been ,whenever we make that effort or surrender to
go to meetings , we seem to be invisible to trouble.
i grew up in the bad lands in philly so i understand her concern.
when ever i went back to the badlands to start meetings
or attend them i was a little leary but nothing ever happened.
CINCEE -call the na hotlone and ask , there are a lot of meetings not listed , talk to smeone sbout ,in your area.

[bmac]

hey guys I am going to start calling you two pixi and peaz.
Or maybe pixipeaz.Yea that's it.
Hey pixi  Roll Tide.
                       bill

[peaz]

The arrogance in this instance depends on one's perspective...I personally think it's the epitome of arrogance to insinuate that  if  one's "recovery of choice" doesn't go along w/ another's, that the penalty is relapse.  And here I thought only God was omniscient..  Although I know you were just giving me a hard time, you rat!!
  Did you  speak of your having lupus in a prior post and I missed it?  I'm sorry you were having a bad time w/ it yesterday.  I DID miss you, but felt confident that you'd be around today.  TGIF!!!!!  But, since we don't party anymore, the weekends take on a whole new meaning, eh?  It is absolutely gorgeous here--70 and sunny, so I will try to spend some time outside w/ the mutt and get some fresh air.
I  see you cheering for the Vols all the time, but I'm not definite on what southern state (exactly) you hail from.  Do you talk "funny"???!!!  LOL Just kidding.  I'm vacuuming--gotta go.  I'll touch base w/ you later.   Di

[athena]

I see that your being (what did that post say,arrogant?) or some such lol You should be minding your PEAZ and Qs .I was mia yesterday,this lupus causes me some bad feelings somedays,but I couldnt go another day withput my friends.So sad isn't it?It's rainy and dreary here today.Hows the weather up there?Cold? I also used to work afternoons,I loved it but the morning does pass too quickly.I was a night owl at that time.now Im just an old crow!lolololol I'll be watching out for your arrogant posts today.....

Deb

[peaz]

Yo WENCH!!!!  Haven't heard from you today--are you alive and well?  I read your post about your needle-stick and resulting hepatitus.  (you'll do anything for attention, won't you??LOL) All kidding aside, dealing w/ peoples' blood is a scary business, as you found out.  Are you feeling okay these days; does it "flare up", or what?  Obviously, I don't know much about it.  At least you're sober and doing a great job in that department!  
I should have gotten outside and done some yard work like you did yesterday.  I don't work until 3:00, have to leave the house at 2:00, but I swear, even if I get up early it seems like the mornings just whizz by and it's time to get ready.  I wish I was still a stay-at-home mom.  I always had projects and tons of stuff to do.  
This is such a strange, rambling post........ I'd better quit while I'm behind.  Thinkin'  a you  and wishin' you happy trails today.    Di

[puma]

Chezz, I did not mean to leave you out. I said Bmac and re-read and was really referring to your statement after Jessearpys. Sorry for the goofup. And thanks also fo the input.

Chatahan

[athena]

Good morning.I hope the w/d are getting a little easier to bear.While i was in w/d I was useless.I couldn't get anything accomplished.I finally decided to let myself have those days to just get through w/d and not freak out about the house.I am really obsessed with everything being perfect,but this was one time I just said %&%^% it lol if you go back and read your first posts,I think you'll see how much better you have gotten already.Keep up the good work and have a great day!

pixi

[puma]

Jess,

Thank you for the concern about the Klonopin and Ultram.
I have been on Klonopin for nearly four years and on Ultram for the second timein four years. I was on straight Codiene with the Klonopin for about one year and had the seizures every eight days or so. They even became long black out seizures lasting up to two hours.

When I was drinking, my sugar was a little elevated. I was tested thouroughly for any pancreatic and/or liver damage luckily none was found only high blood pressure due to the drinking.

The Ultram caused an annoying side effect at first making it difficult to urinate, but I was also on Celexa (SSRI)at the time. I stopped both of those nearly a year ago. I started back on the Ultram about five months ago and now that I quit drinking again after a relapse, I have not seized since.

I realize any opiate or even synthetic one such as Ultram do lower the seizure threshold. Any stronger pain killer would just lower the threshold more. I would rather "SHAKEDOWN" once in a while than be in pain all the time and not be able to function. Even Advil is said to lower the threshold and I take that in between sometimes.

After being sober for over one year I was given a six hour glucose tolerance test. I started out lower than normal to begin with, then by the third hour dropped to a 45 which they say is close to or at the seizure and even come level of low blood sugar. They said they were surprised I did not at least have a seizure. They said a drop to 40 is near death from a coma state. Those black out seizures I was having were almost like that.

The Ultram ia making my life much more comfortable so I will stick with it in spite of the warnings. All I ask is to see one more great Super-Typhoon before I go.

Thanks for the input, all is appreciated even if I don't follow it. I would rather be on something stronger, but they are neurotic here about pain meds and benzos, even when physical ailments are proven by specialists from the mainland for pain and, Neurology and Rheumotology.

Thanks you to Bmac for your concern. I think I'll be okay on my newly found method upon waking. Eating a balanced diet has been helping too. I used to eat terribly to nothing at all when I was drinking so much. Had nowhere to fit the food, LOL. I do think I will try the L-tyrosine for enery however and see how that may help. No hot baths possible, I have been taking cold showers for five years ever since Super-Typhoon Paka hit and damaged my water heater. I have been too cheap to buy a new one.

Bye for now, hope you are all feeling some peace and less pain. Sunshine has a way of perking a person up during the fall season over there.

Since many are giving out emails, mine is  ***@****


Chatahan

[Chezz]

I am also concerned about this. I am not sure if people understand the agonist/antagonist properties of the meds they are taking.
I an still searching for a site where you can plug in your meds and it will come back with the problems.
Some people don't understand you can take 2 meds that can almost completely make both of the worthless.
Or worse yet, will cause catastrophy, or death.
Chezz

[Chezz]

I did not mean Money is of no object. My case is just different. I can't say how. I need a little anonymity too.
I just don't have to pay for it.
10 years ago I took care of health care for the rest of my life.
When this problem started, I wanted to make sure that I would never be left out in the cold. This is a lifelong thing. It isn't going to go away.
So I took care of myself.
Chezz

[GOD]

to Chatahan:
P.S. I re-read your post, and I forgot to mention a VERY IMPORTANT fact:

Any Benzodiazepine. (including Klonopin, Valium, Xanax, etc) combined With Tramadol (Ultram) is contraindicated BY THE MANUFACTURER!~

Quoted in the literature from Ortho-Mcneil drug manufacturer of Ultram:

".......There is also a significantly increased risk of seizures while taking Ultram if you are also taking Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI antidepressants) i.e. prozac, etc., tricyclic compounds i.e. Flexeril (cyclobenzaprine), Phenergan (promethazine) or Benzodiazepines (i.e. Valium, Klonopin), tricyclic antidepressants, or MAO Inhibitors.........."

I hope that you will take this information to heart!
/Jessesarpy/

[GOD]

Hey there...

Hope you're doing O.K.-- If you've read most of my posts, you're probably aware that I've got the most "Experience" on this board with ULTRAM... And I used to drink the Vodka and Gin like a fish... 1-1.75 liters per day for last 2 years of my drinking career. Because of the similarites in our "Story", I would recommend that you: 1.) get tested for type 2 diabetes and 2.)Stop taking Ultram.

The Diabetes or Diabetic TYPE symptoms can be caused by pancreatic damage from the drinking. By the "Grace of God" the damage I caused myself is healing "Well", and most of my  diabetic symptoms are no longer there.

The reason to STOP the Ultram is VERY SIMPLE.. If you are ALREADY PRONE to seizures, Ultram WILL GIVE YOU SEIZURES.. Even the drug manufacturer warns of this potentially fatal "Side-effect"... I'm Lucky enough to have never HAD a seizure, even though my Ultram consuption was through the proverbial roof....

Please heed my advice!
Just concerned,
Jess

P.S. if you have any detailed questions about effects of Ultram, Diabetic symptoms, etc.. don't hesitate to e-mail me at ***@**** (I have plenty of experience in these "Fields", and If I can help you out in ANY way it would be my pleasure..)

[Chezz]

Cincee,

I just want to take the time to thank you for your posts to me. I have went through and read all of the posts I missed. It feels nice to know that someone was worried and wondering where I was at. It was a very hard time for me. Pain as you know is mentally and physically debilitatiing.

I hope you can get through this visit without a hitch. I know you are very concerned. I can see your apprehension and fear in your posts.

I will be here wondering where YOU are at if you don't post.
Thanks again.

To all of the other people that did or did not post their concern or care, Thank you too.

If anyone wants to email me with questions, concerns, or just to vent. Here is my email address again. I have posted it before and have gotten some very meaningful emails that people thought were "stupid".

The only stupid questions are the ones that go unasked.

Thanks again,
Chezz

PS. Some have asked why I haven't responded to their posts, or have felt "left out". Let me know. I don't always feel like my posts are well taken. I am unsure how people feel about me as well. As strong or whatever a person you think I am, I am just like YOU. Scared, confused, and overwhelmed sometimes. I also have insecurities, and don't always feel my comments are welcome.
I am not the type to think that I can HELP all of the time. I am just as unsure as anybody else. Let me know.

[athena]

I am remembering you in my prayers.you seem back to your old self.I saw an earlier post from you and you were talking about leaving.It was probably the pain talking.Dont ever try to get out of your new responsibilities lol This place needs you.I think of your posts as poetry,so your new position is forum poet.Im glad you found a good doc.who will take better care of your needs.hope you have a good evening and a restful night.

pixi

[lilmermaid]

Thanks Pixi for your kind words. God knows I need them today. I just can't seem to get anything going. Can't sit still, call anyone, carry out any activity. Your words hit home and I feel them. Yep, me too always counting the days that my next script would go through. I feel like I was using pain as an excuse to start increasing all the drugs. I hate to think that I have to go through this emotional rollercoaster to get or taper off the rest of the  meds. However oxy is the biggest one.(i think) anyway, i won't babble on. Just thanks for the reply and taking time to read and type back. I wish you well.

[athena]

you will definately start to feel much better in a few days.I think the pills do mask our emotions.When I quit the hydro,11 days ago,I sat at this computer listening to oldies,writing to everyone and crying like a baby.I just couldnt stop crying.I am glad to know that I do have feelings.I thought I had become this cold,empty person.I used to cry over sad movies etc. then it's like I felt absolutely nothing.Not good,not bad just existing and waiting on a new script.it really does get better and the best part is that we can be the person we used to be,the person we were meant to be,blubbering and all.I will be thinking of you.You are now starting on a journey home,to your soul.I hope you find peace.

pixi

[lilmermaid]

Writing again just to writed. Can anyone tell me how they find peace with themselves? I mean I feel like I may be having a pitty party day or something going on. I woke up this morning so proud that I made it through the night without waking and my legs killing me. I thought I would have a productive day and I've ended up just crying most of the day. I just am having such a hard time accepting that in an instant my life changed and I can no longer be the energetic, outgoing, exploring, traveling, etc.. that I was. I just can't accept it. and I'm wondering if the oxycontin had me in a mask of perception of just plain everything.  I thought I had it all under control and woke up one morning finding myselfing feeling like I had to taper off and could no longer take it. So my 7 or 8th (whichever it is) stinks! I think maybe the news of herniated disks have not helped. Another diagnosis is just what I didn't need. I"ve read so many posts that say's to keep writing, it will get better, so I'm writing and I hope no one see's this as I am just venting. I'm not, just confused, lonely and just plain don't know what to do!

[Chezz]

***@****

Chezz

[puma]

(Chezz), it is good to see you can hang in there and that money is not your hangup for getting help. Unfortunately some people here are desperate and cannot find help easily and that's why I am trying to take some correspondance courses to help addicts and alcoholics in group therapy and to get on their feet. I eventually, down the road a ways, will help under the assistance of my drug and alcohol counselor.

The warm weather in Hawaii may inprove you pain condition, I know I would not even be able to walk or move about if it drops below 65 degrees. That's why I am down here in the deep tropics where it rarely drops below 70 degrees and rarely goes over 90.

I agree with you that we all feel left out or ignored sometimes, but that's part of our loneliness and insecurity in all of our individual conditions. Good luck.

(Bmac), congrats on day 48, you are doing great. I am in worse pain than usual today and took an extra Ultram. I have worked too hard cutting grass this past week and a storm is brewing east/southeast and the pressure is falling. Makes the water weight increase which aggravates pain conditions. I was supossed to go apt. cleaning at 8:00 am but it is now 9:30 and I still don't feel like moving. I just need to force myself to get going.

I received my SSI payment today but will hold off on paying bills until I see where that typhoon will go. If it goes to Saipan, I will need some cash to fly there. Saipan is only 120 miles north/northeast of Guam. I think I am becoming too distracted by the developing typhoon to do work actually. I need to keep a close eye on it in case it speeds up. I still think it is a few days away and I may even save me money by it coming here. Another direct eye passage? Could it be?  One can always hope!!

Another great typhoon season, I hope matching 1992 and 1997!!! We had three direct eye passages in three months in 1992, pretty good for an island only 30 miles long in a giant mass of ocean. Saipan took it in 1997 as well as Guam several times. Anyway I am babbling about one of my obsessions. It used to kept me sober though. I never drank during typhoons.

Good luck with (everyone) elses places in w/ds and days of sobriety. I wish it were that easy for me to stop the Klonopin, maybe, someday.

I discoveed my seizures may be from low blood sugar and not my initial outpatient detox gone awry for the first three months, sobriety, crach and burn, seizures and DT'S then repeat over and over. Docs didn't think I looked like an alcoholic!!!! How STUPID when I told them openly on my own I drank a bottle of Vodka or Gin a day. They finally sent my to a psych doc who put me in-patient to detox. I thought the seizures continuing in spite of nearly two years sobriety after in-patient detox would have solved the problem, but I still had seizures nearly once a week, that's why they could not get me off the Klonopin they used for detox. It is an anti-seizure med as well as for anxiety etc. It's a killer if you are cut off though as I described a couple of weeeks ago. At least I am off the booze, and no seizures since I started drinking a couple glasses of lemonaide in the mornings for sugar intake. I am down to 8 mg of Klonopin from 10 mg a day. I will slowly taper probably over one year or more and see if I get seizures again. Then I will know I have to take it permanently for brain damage due to having had so many seizures in the past four years.

Well, I had better go and try to get something done before the typhoon comes.

see you under the eyewall!!!!

Chatahan

[athena]

You poor wittle baaaaaaaby...........lol Shes a real pain in the neck huh?I really do feel for you.If someone in my family oicked this week to visit me,Id probably move lol.Call that doc back and tell him he better take good care of you!Better yet,give me his number,I'll set him straight!I do hope you get something to help the pain.NOT THAT!lol Tell your sis to keep her little hand away from your little hand.........I'll check back later to see if you've posted.I'll listen to you complain.

pix

[CinCee]

She's going to be here in a couple hours and my neck hurts.  wah,wah,wah
I want to start the prednizone, but no call back from the doc yet.  Where are we when we need them???

[CinCee]

Just wanted to let you know, that I've gotten a lot from your posts.  When that yelling was going on, I was an in serious w/d, and completely, totally ignored it.  I've no idea what even happened, I had so little use for it.

[bmac]

I haven't even had the script filled and already I feel guilty,is that addiction or what.But don't worry, it won't be like the past.I have put up blockades to keep me from using any length of time,it just the mental part.
Sean I sent you a reply back and I meant every word.You are doing the right thing for your family,no doubt.

Pixi,
  Like in an earlier post I told you would never be able to get rid of me that easy.We'll see when Bama comes a knockin'.
Hey, like the Auburn thing?Man,you just don't know how bad the rivalry is here.I mean it's hate pure hate.It's worse than
the democrat vs. republican thing to these people here in Bama.
But I just watch and pull for my team and don't get to wrapped up in the hatred of it,hell it's kids playing football for God sake.But in the same breath        ROLL DAMN TIDE!!!!!!
                             THANKS,
                             bmac

[athena]

First things first....Whats the name of your doc?I can be there by tonight lol You are right about talking to your wife.She will appreciate the honesty.I can tell that you really love her and im sure she loves you and will give you support through this troubled time.As for people not posting back to you,your right,that is their problem.I really never saw you post anything that was that bad.We are all touchy with our feelings right now,but conflict is sooooooo stressful.the people that really care about you will not turn your back on you.Anyway,I NEED some other hillbilly to pick on lol Guess your stuck with me.

pixi

[Sean5110]

Bill,

Wow, day 48! I came here when you were on day 22. I don't know why I remember that but I do. You are inspirational to me, especially given that you have real pain issues. I have no pain issues. I never have. I've used to get high; there has never been one shred of legitimacy to the pain pills I've taken.

It must be very difficult to be faced with taking another pill. You've worked so hard to get away and now they're being forced into your hand.

Thanks for all of your encouragement and, given I'm still at the very beginning, please don't forget to offer a prayer here and there as you are inclined.

Thanks,
Sean