**cked up after staying clean 20 days

[Raj786]

Just feel like telling this to someone because this is driving me crazy, and I know my offline/real friends and family would be so dissapointed if I told em that it'd do more harm than good for me and them both. So, wheather anyone reads this or not, just want to write this:

Today was suppossed to be the 21st day clean of opiates for me but I messed up with ultram and codeine hit about 5 hrs earlier. Met a friend who I used to get high with, talked about a few things, listened to some music we liked when we were high and when he offered I couldn't say no. Even the high was really bad and irritable because I was feeling so angry at myself for doing it again and after the coming down, I felt like crying literally. My problem is that I still am drinking a bit after quitting drugs and earlier each binge mostly started after I got drunk. I would then get drugs into me to 'calm down' or 'relax' or maybe do other wierd stuff as well. Today also, only after I had a few drinks, I took the drugs my friend offered. I know I must stop drinking altogether also because they also act as a splur for my addictive personality but this is proving difficult. Every evening I feel like getting out and doing something fun and fun for me up until now since many many years was simply getting high on something or the other and lately I have drinks because they are 'socially acceptable'.

I also hate hate the fact that I feel so good only on opium or opiates, feel just right, but the wreckage these things cause are so much more worse than the short span of good euphoric feelings they give. Anyway, I know I am not going to get any withdrawals for just 200mg of cod and 50mg tramadol maybe some mental craving. Just like many others, staying clean is proving difficult alright. Now, my plan is to go completely sober since tomorrow, hope it works...

[confused456]

As for those people you are referring to......some people are lying to themselves and only seeing what they want to believe, and some never see the light unless they hit rock bottom, while some may never give up drugs. It is a choice that you make, and it DOES affect how we live, and you will be better without those influences in your life..(the drugs, and the people who do not care enough about themselves to see a problem) Keep your focus and be selfish!!! Worry about YOU!!!!! Have a good rest!

[bmc1976]

One day your friends will realize and be in the position you are in now. Congrats on catching your addiction before it is too late. That is always the first step and some realize that sooner than others. One day they will be coming to you for advice. Best of luck!
Brian

[Raj786]

What frustrates me is how some of my good friends who I really get along with don't even consider quitting drugs. They just want to learn to be able to cope with their drug abuse and control it so that it does not affect other spheres of their lives too much. With relatively mild drugs like Codeine this may just be possible but it still takes it's toll and I am better off without using it at all. May they realize in time that drugs are a waste of time and clean up too. No matter what I am staying away from using friends of mine at any cost from now.  Also, gratitude and respect once again, getting addicted to this forum beats getting addicted to opiates any day, love the way ppl here are positive and enjoying their sober lives as well. I wanna join in the fun too sooner rather than later. Now that the burden of guilt for using drugs again has lifted consderably, I think I will just go and sleep, tc every1 pls...

[confused456]

Keep reading and posting....send me a personal message and just gripe if you want to! I am here for you!! All of us are here for you, but one thing I must state, is when I decided to stop, I said I will do it tomorrow, and decided, nope, I will do it today! because for me, tomorrow never comes!! Just a thought! You are doing good!

[bmc1976]

I know when the urge hit me to use I would get on here and type away. I made this forum my new addiction! If you feel like using get on here and type away. You will get immediate responses that will help curb that appetite. There are so many wonderful people on here that will help you in the process of staying clean. You know exactly what you want and we are here to help. Just chalk the codiene and tramadol you just took as a learning experience and push on. Many people had to change the people they hung out with just to keep drugs away from them. I know that can be difficult because you feel close to them. But this is your life and you have to do what you have to do. One day the others will realize they have a problem and hopfully get clean themselves. Until then, you might need to make some changes on who you hang out with. You can do this! Best of luck to you!
Brian

[lilsparkplug]

im in the same boat, minus the alcohol.........this so sucks, and ive been on suboxone for 2 years!
noone beleives me when i show emotions, they say im on pills or crack! usually, im not!

talk man!

[Jacqui805]

You're welcome Raj.  Anytime...

Jacqui

[Raj786]

thnx, it's bum in the road alright, it's just that I used to promise myself that I will get sober from tomorrow every single day anyway during my junkie days and I am very very afraid of it being an empty promise again. This forum's great and I think I will spend my evenings reading, posting, answering questions and posts in the evening the next few days. Thnx for listening, heart felt gratitude for the trully amazing people here!

[cathy5841]

raj, you gotta take control...drinking is a trigger for you and so you just cant do it and live a clean and sober life.  as confused said this is a bump in the road...dust off and get back up.  keep going.  stay away from anyone or anything that may cause you to use.  we are here...before you use next time get on line and tak tous we will help you through.
cathy

[Jacqui805]

I agree with confused.  It is a bump in the road, and to you, it did NOT go unnoticed.  You have identified a few major triggers here AND you don't want to go back to that life.  While you may have done something you'd wished you hadn't, you still came out with the right attitude.  I think that counts for a lot.  To have co-addictions doesn't make your situation any easier either.  Have you tried meetings, counseling, or this forum before?  Whenever you feel that urge, I recommend getting on the computer and getting here.  It has definitely helped me, and I wish you the best of luck on the new day tomorrow.  You have not erased all your good work either.  You're still on the right path.

Jacqui

[confused456]

Your last paragraph shows that you know what you want and need to do. This is a bump in the road and we all have them. Get right back on that clean path!! You're doing great for going on 21 days. This was a minor set-back. Try possibly not "hanging" out with those people that you are likely to use with!! Best of luck to you!