day 1 is the equivalent to hell.... i feel trapped in this mess

[Nawnyt4l]

i took one pill today....1.... i usually take about 15 or more....i feel like ****.... i dont even want to move....i feel like i can't even function right now...if it wasnt for my beautiful niece(my world) being with me, i don't know how i would even be handling this right now..... it seems like this war will be never ending...i mean sure i can win a few battles and figure out how to ease my w/d's somedays when i have nothing, but i feel like i'm losing this war.....i honestly don't know what to do.....i want to quit...i need to quit...i know it's time to quit, so why can't i just quit? why can't i just flick a switch in my brain and make it all better , make this mess go away.....work tomorrow...it's going to be hell esp. with all the pressure i'm already under....just another 12 hours of hell and using my brain that can't barely even function to write this right now....i know it's going to be a tough game to win, and i'm deffinately the under-dog against these pills, but i just wish there were an easier way....i wish i had a simple game plan.....i dont think there are any simple ones.....wow...**** my life


i feel like i'm backed into a corner...two ways to go..one way out of this mess(that road seems so bumpy and windy and impossible to take) and the route i'm already on, which gets me from place to place, but i know how scary the end of it is. p.s. i think i posted this in my last post ...i dont know how to use this site yet..or is it cause i can barely function?

[Nawnyt4l]

hey guys and gals...sorry i haven't been posting....been at the hospital alot lately because of my step-father.... Just to let everyone know...i haven't taken any painkillers in a week and a half...i had some suboxone to help me through it(from a good friend), but i haven't even taken those in the past 3 days....i don't feel too bad...i don't feel as great as i would like, but at least i'm not sick like i used to get.....i still occasionally get the headaches and constant empty stomach(like my insides are eating away my stomach..and it's just a bottomless pit, and i'm eating fine, it just seems to get me still..not all the time though) I still haven't regained much energy and seem to tire out pretty easily, but i'm not really getting the restless legs...occassionally....hopefully everything becomes normal again like the way it used to be very soon....i'm still trying to train my mind...because i still tend to crave the pain meds...especially with my physical pain in my back from previous injuries and a slighty to minor bulging disk i have .... (thats what started alot of this nightmare in the first place)... i know how good the pain meds will make me feel for the time they last, but i also know the hell i will be putting myself in again....i will be back to square one, and thats my biggest fear more than anything in this world( snakes don't even scare me as much, and i hate those ******* things haha)... any input or advice to keep myself on the right track would be really useful and appreciated. Thanks amigos =)

[TrayCee]

most people say days 2-4 are the worst, day 1 is always the hardest for me.

Good Luck

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

You have a ton of great advice - - my only input here would be if you are going to taper........you may as well do it properly.  Drop your dose by about 10% per week. Let your body become used to the lower dose before you drop the dose again. If you are going to feel bad you may as well just quit. Some are okay with tapering and some cannot do it. You will know which group you are in. And be honest with yourself. No use trying to fool yourself about anything..........  other than that try and use the nutrition advice that you have gotten and get some exercise as soon as possible.......

[worried878]

keep moving forward/tapering is hard..sometimes u do good and sometimes u dont..if u feel u r moving backward (u will know when u do or if u do) then calling into work and going ct would be the wise thing to do,.,in the scheme of things/ur health and well being come first..and no one gets fired for having the flu  (:

[corey411]

If you want it bad enough it will happen. I'm glad that you know you have hard work ahead of you but you definitly can do it. Many of the members on here have alot of cleantime. Not many of us are able to taper without someone else holding the goods. Those pills have a way of calling us. You sound like a great guy. I'm pulling for you. You are young and have your whole life ahead. Someday you will be playing with your own child and you won't believe how great that is. My son was addicted to heroin for almost 3 years. He quit heroin and has been clean 4+ years. He had to do alot of rehab but heroin is difficult to stop. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Corey

[Nawnyt4l]

i tapered down today for work.... cut my usual dosage about in half....took 8 instead of 15 or more(alot of days even 20+) but it kept me going for work.....i wanted to go c/t , but i can't miss time from work right now with the jobs were pushing out, and i didnt want to be a complete mess, plus when i do take those days off to get this nightmare over, maybe it will be a little easier kicking the habit if i can continue to keep lowering the ammount i consume instead of my pill popping animal ways right now....i was deffinately in a better mood today..and even better when i picked my baby girl(my niece) up after work and took her out to play....didn't feel 100%, but she keeps me going, 2 year olds are alot to handle haha...... just tapering down today, i can feel how hard this is going to be, but i need to do this...maybe i shouldn't taper down soo much at once?.. idk.... i've always been a happy, upbeat, positive person, who could squeeze a laugh out of anyone, but lately, it's been very dark and lonely, even when i'm around many friends...i think the reason being, i look at them and see how normal and happy they are, and i just want that back soo much....i've got a big challenge ahead of me, just hope i'm not in over my head.....i just want to be the old me again...i'll get there soon...i hope, it's all i got to look foward to now...

[refusingbondage]

My advice is to just go c/t from here.  Tapering for most is rarely possible.. Problem is even a few wont make you feel that good when you have a big habit.  15/day is big, but its not impossible.  Get the vitamins from the thomas recipe on the health pages and go for it.  Take a few days off to feel sick and you can get through it.  Just tell people you have a bad flu and take a few days off.  You CAN do this.. its hard and your will feel sick, but it wont kill you.. and 5 or 6 days from now you will feel SOOOO much better.. Stay strong and keep posting.. it will be helpful to come here and talk to others who have been and are in the same boat as you.. Good luck!

[worried878]

the health pages r full of great info..u will find the thomas recipe there..and lots of great info..stay strong and get this done for u and for thos u love

[eringobragh]

i was up to 30 pills a day! i did it cold turkey. 30 days clean today as a matter of fact! You can do this. look at the big picture...life is worth living...you deserve it. it will be hard but you have to have faith. keep your head up, and stay focused. let the days go by...

[bethinime]

You know thats kinda true what Nawny said about the taper.I was tapering suboxone and was down to 2mg and already feeling like **** and said screw it and stopped completely because I was soooo tired of dragging out the withdraw feeling with the taper. Sometimes it is easier just to prepare yourself, suck it up and feel like sh** for 5-6 days. I sooo wish I would have done that way back and never went on suboxone...now I am dealing with that wd hell which imo is WAY worse because its sooooo long of a wd. Good luck and keep posting.

[lady67]

I know if feels like you are fighting a losing battle, but I promise you it will get better.  In 5 days it will be a year for me without any hydros.  I, like you, were a 18+ a day user.  All I could do was figure out how I was going to get my next dose.  That was miserable.  I wont lie to you, it takes a while to get that routine out of your head and even after a year, you still think about it.  But, it is an awesome feeling to go this long without using.  You can do it, I have faith in you.  Especially since you have your neice to live for.  I will be praying for you and know that each day without any drugs brings you that much closer to a sober relationship with your neice.  You will be amazed how wonderful it is to be able to do things with her and actually remember them.

God Bless!
Susan

[swandive222]

keep pushing and posting on here!!!  we all know what you are going through!!!

i had an 18 pills a day lortab habit...  i did my w/d cold turkey b/c i ran out of my prescription too soon.  in the past i tried to taper but ended up feeling bad the whole time and not sticking to the taper plan.  cold turkey is not fun but at least you will get it over with instead of feeling like hell every time you taper off a pill.  go to the store and get some:

immodium: for the diarrhea.  only take it when really needed.  you don't want to become dehydrated.  it is good to have some diarrhea though during this time.  it is the body's way of getting out some of the toxins in your system.  

a good multi-vitamin

vitamin B-12: this will help with your energy.  be sure to take one pill daily!!

tylenol PM or benedryl: at night time for sleep.

the restlessness/sleeplessness at night and the restless leg syndrome are the hardest parts of physical withdrawal imo.  the first two nights i took a muscle relaxer to help with my restless legs then i took either benedryl or tylenol pm for about a week after that.

day one was the worst day for me personally.  i started to feel a little better each day after that.  it does help if you can take time off of work for a few days to deal with the hard first 3-4 days of w/d.  the first week is the toughest!!  keep posting and pushing!!  you can do this!!  

i listened to a lot of music, read a ton of magazines, and watched a lot of movies to help get through the first week.  i too had my little niece around during the last part of the first week and she lifted my spirits soooo much :)

it can be done!!!  if i can come out of a 18 pill a day habit, you can do it too!!  i am 90 days clean.  it feels good not to spend each waking hour thinking about and counting pills.

you are in my prayers :)

jessica :)

[bethinime]

Honestly in my opinion if you have been taking 15 a day..I would come up with a taper plan if you have the willpower to stick to it or someone you can trust who will dispense the pills to you. I personally think you are making this harder on yourself. If you want to quit coldturkey take a few days off work while the worst wds are kicking in a prepare yourself mentally that it aint gonna be easy but you can do it. If you have to work through this I personally would taper. Others may not agree with me but thats just me. I sooo wish that is what I would have done. Now  I am going through my own personal hell getting off of suboxone. Always remember "this too shall pass"

[Nawnyt4l]

what is the thomas recipe? where can i get info on that? and you're right, i am teasing and torturing myself....i woke up this morning with my heart beat in my head.... i convinced myself i was going to take 1 , just one to ease everything a little...not the right approach?...i've got a pen, pad, and a calender,...i've been writing down all the advice i've gotten on here so far....the hardest part is figuring out which approach would be best for me...i want to be completely drug free....i dont want to be dependent on anything....i wanna be able to log on here and give advice to someone, knowing i've kicked this habit, rather than being the desperate person crying out for help and support just to make myself feel like a little bit less of a dissapointment...my head feels like it's going to explode right now....i've heard of ppl getting away with just a few w/d symptoms....i'm getting crushed with all of them.... shaking...restlessness/legs restless....diarreah... .. chills one minute...burning up the next...... feel like my stomach is churning inside....occasional false alarms for vomitting.......cant seem to clear my mind(that and the stomach are the worst for me)...i'm running low on pills even tho i only took 1 today, and i haven't even attempted to get anymore today(thats actually a big step for me).....damn this feels like it will never end.

[jebediah_smoon]

theeagle's right -- you didn't really plan this thing out, did you? I'd recomend a taper, if you can, and then a visit to medical types.


Tapers get to be so annoying, you just quit, but the w/d's are much less fearsome. You might want to book off tomorrow, and get a plan together.

All the best

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

Dude - you are just teasing and torturing yourself by taking one pill after a habit of 15 ..... you need to decide whether you can taper down or whether you need to go cold turkey.  You are already encountering significant withdrawal symptoms. This is not an optimum approach by any means. Time to take a hard look at everything and decide what your game plan is going to be. Once you make a plan commit it to paper. Make it real. Then stick to it - - whatever it may be ....... keep posting if you have questions or for advice or just to chat ...................

[worried878]

cos u r an addict..and that is why u cant just do some majic and "just quit"  but u can quit..even at 15 a day...do-able/gotta make a plan,,,just gonna be some work involved,,it aint easy...not by a long shot...or this forum wouldnt be here..but there is lots of great advice and boo coos of support here..keep posting

[abel04]

I know EXACTLY what you are going through...just went through it myself after almost 2 years on vicodin, flexoril, gabepentin....even though they were prescribed by a pain management dr., I got totally addicted.  read my posts, it is hell for about 4-6 days....then the physical part is tolerable....but you will be sick, noticably sick for those 4-6 days.....it will be almost impossible to hide....you can do it.

follow thomas' receipe, lean on the folks here, i did & I've been off (coldturkey) about 6 weeks now.  I'm a 61 year old lady....if i can do it you can do it, i know you can.
xoxoxo from texas
annabel

[minim]

we have all done it nawny- we are living proof!!! you can do this- maybe you should have tapered a little more since you have to work and stuff- just keep at it! do the things ella mentions- and keep posting for support

[Ella789]

Are you tappering down with the pills?  Are you out and going into W/D?  I don't know how to tell you but it seems like you are going into withdrawls.  Have you checked out the Thomas Recipe?  I hope you can get off the pills, it is rough for a few days and you will feel bad.  You need the staples from the Thomas Recipe,(the immodium, otc pain meds for RLS and muscle aches, fluids, viatamins ect) a heating pad, or hot showers,baths.
Post agin soon and let us know how you are doing; Just post on this thread.
Ella

[tommm70]

Stay strong!!! You can do this! You talked about how much you have accomplished in life. It might be time to dust off your old trophies and awards and tell yourself this is the person you are, and who you will be again!
Hve you sought professional help yet? I urge you to do this. There is no shame in admitting you have a problem. Even if it means an NA meeting in your area. Tell me you will seek out some sort of help in the next few days. Even if it is a phone call to a help line.
You are at the beginning of this. It will get easier! I promise you! But you will have to do some hard work to get there. You CAN do this.

Stay strong and keep posting. YOU ARE WORTH IT.

[avisg]

I know at times it seems impossable and like it just to much but you can do this .You deserve a happy clean live .Yes the next few days are going to be bumpy but remember they are only a few days in a lifetime that you can be clean .Hang in there you are worth it .