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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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Avatar universal

did i get clean for nothing?

Its me again. Like i stated before im a week clean from vicodin. Now i want to use again. Ive been on vs for 13yrs now. I just found out from my lawyer that we have a continuance. The GAL wants my husband to now have full custody when before we were suppose to get joint. Yes i have had my problems but i am a good mom. Ive done everything to stay clean for my son but now i feel like im set back. My life is in shambles. I was in a fight 2 wks ago got 6 stitches in the back of my head. If it wasnt for that wed still have joint. Im heartbroken and i feel like i need something to get me out of this depression im in. Visitation isnt enough me and my son are so close. Please help i dont know what to do anymore. I have an emptyness and a knot at the pit of my stomach. If i just had 1 i know i wouldnt be as down, i wont quit fighting for my son. Can they really take him away from a loving mother? Why is this happening?
20 Responses
271792 tn?1334979657
I don't know anything about custody honey but I do know if you use you risk never seeing your son again. Wouldn't that be a shame? I think it would. You hear us here talk about aftercare. It is not enough to just down the drugs..we need to heal and that is what aftercare is all about. You are just sitting around in your own head and it is a dangerous place to be. You are not thinking straight and you are cloudy by your emotions, not to mention your disease is screaming at you. Please reach out and get the help you need. I will say a prayer for you.
8976007 tn?1413330650
don't you dare use.  hear me???
just because the GAL wants your husband to have custody won't make it so.  your lawyer NEEDS to ask for full custody.  offer to take a UA.  you should be clean.  
that should stop the immediate action of keeping you from your son.  
hang in there.  the ONLY way you are going to win this fight is to stay clean and try to keep yourself together.  i know it seems impossible, but you have no other choice.  
i still think you need to be speaking to a psychologist or counselor,
3197167 tn?1348968606
Hey girl....from one hydro addict to another....what do you mean..."Did I get clean for nothing?"  You have 7 whole days drug free, right?  And because one thing doesn't "appear" to be going as you hoped...you think using is the solution?  That's how us addicts think....but it's sick thinking.

Because your attorney told you "they" (meaning your husband's attorney)...are going for full custody not joint 50/50....you think ONE PILL will change anything?  Nope....it won't just be one pill....it will be right back to 15/day (and when you're clean for awhile....and return to "old amounts you previously tolerated...you can OD) and then you'll need more and more and more.  I was up to 30/day when I surrendered and quit for good.  Addiction is PROGRESSIVE.....have you learned anything about addiction and what it does to us?  You got such great counsel in your previous thread.....why don't you go back and read it tonight, ok?

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/trying-to-get-clean-for-my-son/show/2290351#post_11035867

What happened to going to rehab?  At least a 30 day rehab?  Since there is already a "continuance"....your attorney can get your custody hearing continued until you have completed rehab.  

I understand all the guilt and shame you feel....I really do....don't you think setting yourself free is the best gift you could every give yourself, your son, your parents, your hubby?  I wouldn't want my child in the custody of a parent that was getting jumped in the dark while scoring pills.   You don't have to keep living like this.  The power of choice is yours.  Getting some help....rehab, aftercare, counseling will BLESS you.  You will learn to love yourself again....and the light in your eyes will shine again.  You will be the best Mom in the world and have lots of love to give once you learn to love yourself.
PLEASE do something NOW....don't just sit home stewing in your head....you were given a link in your thread I referenced up above about how to find a meeting.  You may get a reference from someone at a meeting for a good rehab.....your attorney may know of one.
It's ACTION time.....no more wallowing.......time for an attitude adjustment and time to take that step in asking for help.
Taking a pill for everything that doesn't please us in this life is not the answer......cause the pills quit working and we still have to deal with life.
I'm rootin for you......
Avatar universal
Thank you all. And your right i know if i go back to taking itll be even more hell than im already in. Feel like ive lost everything, me and my soon to be ex husband do go to a counselor but everything i say can go to court. I do want to get help im just scared. They said i need to get a job and all that too. I have a certain time to do it in so if i go to treatment i cant get a job. Its all so confusing. And clean your right all i do is sit at the house now. When i go out i see all the dealers and it makes me anxious. I even seen the girl who beat me up. Its a small town and i just dont feel right going out now. I just want my little boy happy. Ive let my parents down their so upset. Hes their grandson. I just want to try to stay clean and have my son thats all. He needs me. I just feel like i could use at anytime again. I dont want to but have no control. Feel like a lost cause. Thanks for the link ill look at it and keep yall posted. Pls pray for me and my son.
Avatar universal
I know if i take just 1 itll lead to more i just feel like i dont have the fight anymore in me without them. I felt strong and confident but now i just feel even worse about myself and quiet. No one knows what a custody battle feels like until they go thru it and my husband and his mom keep lying on me over stuff i never even done. Im sorry im just upset and appreciate yalls help. I want to get better i just dont know how to.
Avatar universal
Hi, again....GO to a meeting!!! Your brain is making you crazy like it does for all of us. Look one up and go. No excuses!!!
Avatar universal
Hi  well most of us know what your going threw as far as the pills go your disease is screaming in your head to use the thing her is you have a choice to make...''you never have to use again'' and we (I) decide every day to not use...as long as the desire to get high is stronger then the desire to quit it is a loosing battle you need to regroup and get a plan for aftercare for me I tryed my pastor a shrink even a substance abuse counselor but it wasent till I hit the rooms of N/A that I found recovery ...I go to 4 meeting a week and have been for a long time it will really help for the first time you will be around people that understand what your going threw the court very well may tell you to go to rehab and thats not a bad idea and if your really want to help get your son back keep posting for support we all want to see you make it............Gnarly...................
3120424 tn?1347170032
You have to get clean for yourself and you are definitely not 'nothing' (double negative?! Lol) so the answer to your original question is...NO!!

Ifor many, it's a scary thing to think about stepping into your first meeting, but just go. Try a few. You don't have to commit yourself to any one thing in particular. Just try a few different avenues. The important thing is that you talk to people that have walked down the same path as you. Explore. Look around. Step out of your comfort zone, sounds like a lot of work, but the rewards will be 'to the moon and back' worth it,
Avatar universal
hi all.  I am reading what you say about aftercare and meetings.  Not to minimize what I have going on here....because the way I am feeling physically and emotionally since stopping my daily hydrocodone has shed light for me that I am indeed an addict and not just someone who "used some perscription pills" and trying to get off of them.  
I am wondering if NA meeting would be helpful for me.  Do perscription drug addicts go to those? sorr for ignorance. j
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Please listen to me, i was in your shoes years ago.  I know the custody fight and the lies etc.  I also know i didnt stop using and i lost custody of my child.  I lost my child to a father who wasnt using and drunk all the time, i lost my child to a father who could provide her what she needed, both physically and mentally.  I loved her with everything i had but i was so sick at the time i wasnt capable of taking care of her the way she needed to be taken care of.  Yes i clothed her, fed her etc but emotionally i wasnt there, just like you arent right now.  Those pills are screaming your name and trust me there is still more for you to lose if you continue.  My daughter is a grown woman with a family of her own and she will bring that time up and she feels bad.  I have told her over and over she just got smarter before i did.  Until i cleaned up i held a grudge towards her but i no longer do.  Recovery care helped me find me and with that i was able to understand that she did the right thing when i couldnt.  Yes you have a fight on your hands and it is due to your actions.  You are in no way a bad person and i know you love your son.  Now get yourself some help with this and come out fighting, first for you and the issues you have with custody will be much easier to handle.  Sending you strength~
Avatar universal
Domino your situation sounds exactly like mine. Well i found out divorce was final today im rid of my husband who has lied about me over and over. Some true but a lot of lies. I find him to be narcassistic. Anyways i have 60 days to complete 12 step program, get a job, and an apartment for me and my son. Their giving me one last chance. Good news i did find a job. Bad news i have taken 5 vicodin today..i feel less stressed now not only bcus i got a second chance bcus i took them and theyve eased my anxiety. I feel horrible. I was a week clean but just this morning i thought i was losing my son so i got some and took them. I just cant stop i wish i could. im going to try not to take anymore after today (again) but its hard to stop like i said. They arent even making a big deal with drug tests on me now and they arent making me take any now. I need to learn how to deal without them but idk how to especially when im going thru such difficult times. The GAL iS only worried now about me being out on my own and making a place for me and my son. I only get visitation now until the 60 days r over,then ishould get joint custody. Im going to go to 12 step i just want to quit without feeling like i have a ton of bricks on my chest. Domino im sorry u went thru this too..how did u get thru it and did your daughters father always try to make u look bad? Mine has ruined my reputation. I shouldnt care what ppl think but i do. i love my son with all my heart..i just dont want him to ever think i gave up on him i cant :(
Avatar universal
Thank you gnarly and bright..i need the encouragement especially now. I was a week clean..now what? I wish i had control but i dont. I hope the 12 step program works.
Avatar universal
Hey, love. Great that you are going to a meeting (tomorrow?) Yes, it works, if you do what is suggested.

I will say this again. You won't get clean if you have pill access. You won't. If you don't cut your sources, you will be doing this again and again and again. And it will get worse.

Everyone has stress and horrors when they quit. That's why we often quit cuz our lives got so neglected or out of control. There is never a good time. My mother got lung cancer and died within 9 months. That was only 5 months ago. l'm dealing w/ major grief on top of no job or car, and very little money. But I got myself into that (not my Mom's passing obviously) situation from my using pills and now I'm cleaning up the mess. Do I wish I could take norco to make this "easier"? Yeah, often I do. But, my addiction got me to this point and if I did use my life would stay where it is. Now I can fix it. And anything can happen! You KNOW where your life is going if you continue to use pills...you've already done that over and over. You don't know what will come to you if you're clean.

Hope this resonates w/ you:)
Avatar universal
First congrats on getting a job!!!

Starting the 12 step program is good but you need to lose all excuses to justify why you may use again. Accountability is key.

What kind of program are you in? Is it just meetings?

I think an out patient program will be great for you. Depending on your work schedule, you could go during day or evening. The next 60 days is key. You will get so much help and understanding.

Call your local hospital and get the ball rolling. You can do this. You need to change your way of thinking totally. Make priorities and look to your future.
Avatar universal
You have 60 days, commit to go to a meeting every day. I live in a small town too, so I get the stigma and all. Truth is, I met some great people, of coarse I already knew them, but not the recovery side of them. I had to ignore my kids for the first months, in a way, being alone gives you 100% focus on working on you and your issues, why you use. I thought it was pain and energy. Come to find out, I used drugs for all kinds of reasons. Go today, go to AA if that is all there is. There is only 1 NA meeting of about 3 people in my little town, but there are AA meetings every day. Do anything, do everything advised, you will not regret it. You and your kid are worth that right? Don't give up on you or him, just do what you have to to stay away from drugs. Simple, not easy. Aren't you more afraid of losing your son than what people think or what will happen in meetings? Go today, do not wait one more minute. Look them up and write them on your calendar. There will never be a better time or situation, tell us what you find out.
Avatar universal
Jif im sorry to hear about your mom. YEah the thing is if i get money i can get them so easily. ONly one person i trust to get them off now since the other person i got pills from beat my head into the ground. My stitches are out now but i still get little headaches. Its hard to just quit the lifestyle ive been so used to but im trying hard. I was clean for a week and feel stupid for starting back. I only had 1 and half norco today which isnt much but i start my job monday and dont want to go thru withdrawls all over again. Tomorrow is my last full day with my son for 60 days. Its going to be hard but goinf to try to keep myself busy with work. I just dont want to spend my first check on pills which im afraid is what ill do. What is wrong with me? And yes my lawyer is suppose to let me know monday about 12 step and WILL be going. Hope it helps too. And thank u mary..i actually have tried out patient before and of course it didnt work. She said id been on them so long it might be hard for me to quit :( and weaver i tried NA and AA before too it does help to talk to others its just like im wired this way and it *****. I didnt have a hard life growing up at all actually but after age 17 things got bad. Things happened and i think some of those things made me worse. When i lived down south i was taking 20-30 vicodin a day but they were 500s. I was introduced to 10s and percs and adderall and since then ive just been a mess. Please continue to pray for me yall and ill let yall know how my new job goes. Thanks.
Avatar universal
So outpatient didn't work before, try again. A different one maybe. She was right that it may be hard for you to quit but you can't give up. You keep try
Avatar universal
You keep trying.

So tell us about your new job. What will you be doing?  

Concentrate on the good things that are happening. Ticking the items off the list.
3120424 tn?1347170032
You can change your wiring. Do it for yourself. You only live once and this is no way to live. Keep reaching out to others and get rid of your sources or you will keep using.
Avatar universal
Merri i started today at a gas station. Kept myself busy it helped a lot to not think about using and how bad things are. Just missing my son. Got to tell him good night over the phone though. Im still trying.
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495284 tn?1333894042
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