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didnt make it yet again - going to have a break

Hello everyone - my planned CT as of xmas day did not work - lasted about 24 hours, and to my surprise the physical was not really bad, but the mental cravings were huge - I felt like a woman posessed. The previous day I had thrown the 10 tablets that i had left into a dumpster about half a mile from my house. Last night, no chemists open, posessed by this mental craving, I ran to this dumpster and went through the garbage and got them. I am as much a junkie as I ever was on heroin, I really felt and connected to the powerlessness - I cannot trust myself when it comes to using. I cannot believe any of the promises my head makes about getting clean "tomorrow" or "one more dose" or whatever. I cannot trust myself at all in the matter of using.

So for now, I'm going to stop trying to stop, and adopt a bit of a backdoor strategy. For the past 6 weeks of trying to stop, since  college finished for the holidays, I have been putting life on hold - this sense that I will start living once I get off the pills (actually a big shortcoming of mine ever since I can remember - I will start living when... i get slim, i get fit, i finish college, i get my own house, i get money... whatever, but that future orientation that things will be different and the REAL Alex will start at some future date). With the pills it has been "once I get off the pills, I will sort out my eating and my cholesterol problems - I will start dressing in feminine clothes - I will start having fun on my holidays" and so on.

While I have been on the pills and doing my taper/detox attempts, all this other stuff has been by the wayside - I have been eating c rap, dressing c rap, passing the time. And maybe thats part of the reason I hang on to the pills so much, this sense of escapism and avoidance, of procrastination. Anyway, I am going to get on with this other stuff and leave the pills be for a while, and see how I go with this approach, since for whatever reasons I am not having success with the head-on, willpower driven attempts.

I will still be lurking and reading, but won't post for a while - I'm going to change as much of my routine as I practically can, try to break this rut that I am in.

My thanks to everyone here, and best of luck to all of us getting clean and staying clean
Alex
12 Responses
271792 tn?1334979657
There is no reason why you can't post sweetie. Keep coming back.

Hugs......
Avatar universal
I quit c/t 7 days ago. The first four days were hell. I wasnt physically sick but the mental cravings were awful. That is all I could think about every second. But now on Day7, the cravings arent near as bad. I never thought I could go this long without my pills but I did and so can you. Every time I had a craving for them, I would get on here and read stories and talk to people about how I was feeling. I wouldnt have been able to make it by myself without the people on here. Please believe in yourself and know that you can do this. You are more than welcome to PM me if you want to talk.
themrs
Avatar universal
just dont give up hun, take a break...but dont ever give up, you have it within you, you just have to keep fighting to find it...
306867 tn?1299249709
You know where to find us when you need us.  I will miss reading your posts, but you do what ever it takes to get thru this.  Don't ever give up.  Big Hug   Mary
Avatar universal
I went c/t 5 days ago from morphine and vic .  O yes the first 3 were hell. the 4 day I started coming around and at the begining of day 5 I had enough energy to go to the gym for the first time in over 2 yrs.  Get strong and tough it  alot of people will be there for you.
186166 tn?1385259382
below are your words from the post you made the day before your ct day was to begin.  

"I have no sense of actually WANTING to get clean, all I want is to keep taking the pills and staying in that vague, zonked state. I have no sense of motivation or commitment to the wd process"

your post was actually quite entailed...but these two sentences really struck a nerve with me.  when i read this...i knew the outcome of this attempt.  i wish you would go back and re-read your post too.  i know that in your heart, you want to stop...but what i didnt hear was the committment to doing so.   what i didnt read was the "i WILL do this NO MATTER WHAT.  

working on the other issues in your life is wonderful...but please dont put so much focus on that... as it can become an excuse not to face your demon.  i'm not quite sure exactly how much success you will have with that... as long as you are hiding behind the pills...but you need to do whatever it is that you feel will get you to a better place.

you have been in my prayers alex, and i will continue to ask God to give you strength.  

kim

Avatar universal
I can totally relate.  can't get past 4 aday. 15,16 hours between them at times, but still taking them.  I wish I could just get over myself.  
Avatar universal
That is an excellent approach.  I know that's not what you expect to hear.  I've been thinking (and maybe saying), you've got to backfill your life with good stuff, good feelings as substitutes, before you can let go of the pills successfully.

Can i suggest, meanwhile, using the pills a differently.  Using them to keep away the withdrawals.  And to do highs, but trying to let go of the high use.  Doing a more routine, mundane, predictable schedule so they are less of a non-physical crutch.  And, when you want one to get high, thinking of whether there's something else that could substitute at least for a few minutes, like a walk, or starting a project you want to get into, or writing what you're feeling in a journal.  Along with that trying to delay taking for pourly emotional/stimulation reasons for a little bit, something like the clock and studying story I told you.  (I didn't get to 1/2 hour straight overnight, and it was nervewracking to try at first.)

Then it will be like riding a bike with training wheels.  The more you detach what's holding you bit by bit, while still using...one day it will seem logical to just go the rest of the way and stop and complete the physical withdrawal process.

You can do this.  You just need more pieces inside lined up for it to be easier.  You've been through stuff in growing up, that takes time to heal.  

I do wonder how long you've been in therapy.  Is it as supportive and getting you where you are going as much as you need?  If not, then interview other therapists.  

I'm still hear and I'm still rooting for you.  You are still in the process.  I hope you stick around the forum to keep getting pointers on what you need to know.  Meanwhile I will be there in PM (I'm planning for next week to be "get stuff organized and one week" now that I'll have time again.)

When I try to diet the best way to kill my motivation is to cheat - and then feel bad about cheating.  There's something about that which makes me go right out to the store and buy ice cream (my favorite cheat).  Try not to think about this part of the process as anything less than process.  It isn't failure, and if you think of it as that, it just gives feeds the addiction part of you what it wants to hear. ...that you can't be fine and dandy all on your own without the pills.  You can!  And you will get there!  Meanwhile there's a lot of life to live - so do it with your crutch - but start enjoying and accomplishing and feeling proud of yourself!!!  I'm impressed with you.  You should be too.
- Curls
Avatar universal
"Doing a more routine, mundane, predictable schedule" - I meant with the pills, not necessarily with your life.

Also I meant that next week I've got planned for getting organizing and doing stuff that's piled up...
Avatar universal
Thank you everyone for your kind and honest words, and I most definitely am not giving up and resigning myself to a lifetime of pills - I guess the best analogy is that I am having a breather while on a bushwalk, and I'm considering some alternative routes to take to my destination.

After I made that decision and posted about it, it is as if a load has gone off my back - both because of stopping myself from putting s hit on myself for my failures, but also oddly enough from deciding to address these other issues in my life. And, probably not surprisingly, my pill use has been much lower, since I have been busy, and not needing to get "groggy" to procrastinate on the tasks I have been avoiding. It has been pretty much like Curls suggested - using them for the physiological mainenence of w/d symptoms and not for the high.

And Lizzie Lou, thank you so much for your prayers, your honest words at various times over the past 6 weeks have meant a lot to me. And you were right too about my attitude - I had tried to quit many more times than I had formally announced on here (kept it quiet becuase I felt embarassed) so after about 7 or 8 failed attempts, willingness was squashed flat LOL

I will keep in touch and let you know my progress, I read this board every day, it has become a very special place for me. Happy New Year to everyone XXX
Avatar universal
GOOD LUCK
318890 tn?1297965320
Hi hun
Soz i haven't been in touch, But i to have relapsed again. I admire your honesty to yourself, In the fact that you are going to not give up but step back. &why not hun, You take time for you & all the thing's you put of for when you got of the pill's, Why not do them now?. I can see no exuse not to?.
You desirvr you time, You like me have been so rapped up in the idea of been clean , Getting there has been inpossible.
like you said you have cut right bk. & only use to get you through the day so your not w/d. I do the same with my methadone. Even though i'm on 110ml. I only use 50ml. It can be 40ml some day's.
But this time round i have learned that i do need outside help. I think i have none all alog, But just put it of. Told myself i could do it on my own. But as you no herion dosn't just go away. I have to change my life. After been an addict for 13 year's i need a total. Re - programm if you like.
I don't no if it was like that for you when you beat the herion addiction?.
Enyway there i go rammbeling on again. Please do keep looking in on us. & please post every now & then just to let us no your there. I will message you some time soon. Alot has happened since we last chatted.
I wish you all the best in your search alex & i hope you find what your looking for Peace Nat xxx
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