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Avatar universal

dont like myself without drugs

So it was two weeks ago today that I took my last vicodin...sure, all the withdrawals are long gone and I'm doing okay with craving. I'm just bored and I am lame. I've been thinking back a lot these past 13 days...I'm annoyed and frustrated. I feel like the only times I ever was productive, creative, fun or worth being around was when I was using. I look back at periods when I was SOBER- and 90 percent of sober time I was depressed and seeing pschiatrists and therapists, trying every anti-depressant out there, which by the way not one ever worked for me. I've spent years and so much money on therapists and anti-depressants, so you could see why I have zero faith in all of that. No one has ever been able to help me. So someone tell me please, why did the opiates work? Aaarrrrgggghhhh.
22 Responses
Avatar universal
1047946 tn?1332611629
I too had that same problem at first. I had been laid off and wasn't staying too busy around the house towards the end of my use because that energy buzz was long gone. Once I was clean I continued to be lazy because I didn't feel like I had any motivation. I then got called back to work and for 35 days straight I was working 12 to 14 hour nights, 7 days a week. That forced me to stay busy. Well, at least at work. Once that job was over with I was laid off again for a few months. But, since work forced me to stay busy it carried right over to every day life.
So what I'm getting at is just force yourself to stay busy. Don't lay around and watch tv except at night when you are winding down. If you don't have much to do, find stuff to do. Paint a bedroom, do some landscaping around the house, go bowling, anything that you can think of. Eventually it will just become second nature. I know it can be hard to force yourself when your motivation level is hovering around zero. But if you forced yourself to not use during the rough withdrawals you can force yourself when your body is feeling better. The mental aspect of withdrawals is tough to deal with but if you honestly try to get out of the funk, you will get there.
Remember that the pills were not the true you. Even if you were still getting that extra energy from the pills that would eventually wear off. You would then just take them to keep from getting sick but be lazier than you ever have. You did the right thing fighting for your sobriety. Keep fighting. Although two weeks clean is great and I'm proud of you, the real fight is just beginning. I'm sure you've read it on here a million times, "getting clean in the easy part, staying clean is the hard part".  Now you can see the truth in that. Since you are two weeks clean you are kinda hovering at the top of the hill. You have to decide which way you are going to go. Are you gonna fall back down the other side and crash in burn in no time? Or are you gonna continue the descent to the other side. You will hit some obstacles on the way (some rough times here and there) but if you keep fighting you will get to the bottom where it levels off. The descent does take some time and might even take a month or two but each day will get easier and you will get back to the way you were before the pills.  Everything will return and you will find so much more joy in life. Many here can attest to that.
Hang in there. You're doing great!
Best of luck!

1436228 tn?1328057560
Listen to Brian everything he says is so true going to keep reading this every day
199177 tn?1490502134
You have to give yourself some more time . You need to take time to figure out who you are what you like all over again .Its almost a rebirth and it takes time to grow .heck I have three years clean and there are still times I have to figure out who I am and what I like .we get so caught up in life we forget about ourselfs .
If you can exersise makes a very big diffrance even if you just start with walking and work your way up.I HATED exersise when I started but as time went on I start to notice it was making a big diffrance in my mood and how I liked me .Taking off the pounds I had gained when I used helped to LOL... Hang in there ...life will get better
Avatar universal
I know your words speak volumes. I'm just worried. I'm worried because I know I was depressed long before I even started taking drugs....I'm just sad that the one thing that actually made me feel better, is something bad for me. How effing ironic, right? Thank you for the encouraging words.:)
Avatar universal
Hey.  So, I'm only 17 days clean.  But I've done this over and over for 2 years straight now.  And relapsed several times in the past 10 years.  The past 2 years, I haven't had more than 6 weeks clean.

On day 17, I'm tired, cranky, totally unmotivated, depressed.  Ugh.  Just like I was each time in the past when I stopped using.

This time, however, I started reading these posts on this forum and another.  Mostly I was just looking for the Thomas Recipe and a way to help with the acute withdrawal.  I found a reference to PAWS.  An I thought, "What's PAWS."  Its post-acute-withdrawal-syndrome.

And the lightbulb went off.  Oh, no wonder I keep relapsing.  I never give it long enough to get over the deep dark depression which has been inevitably following me every time I clean up.  I have to remind myself every day that this will pass.  I force myself to work, exercise, but I don't feel much better.  Then I remind myself to take it easy on me, to accept this as part of the process.  To think positive and heal.  Reset.  Recalibrate.  

I don't know if this is the case for you, but I think its the case for me (I have to be careful, those darn pills are liars and capable of making me think anything to take them back).  But I think this is as close to true for me as possible.

Keep the chin up, loveJ.  We're all pulling for you.  Oh, and Brian's right.  Stay busy.  Good luck!!!!!
1432897 tn?1322963137
  When I was depressed I didn't want to do squat.  The things is sitting around not doing anything didn't get me undepressed.  It only  made it worse.  I agree with the others-  Get up DO SOMETHING!!!!  It takes time for us to change but if we put the effort in it does happen.  Psychiatrists and what not never worked well for me either.  I didn't start to make good progress until I started working those that were like me.  I went to an IOP and continue to go to AA mtgs.  Both helped me quite a lot. My brain wants me to do all thinking for myself when what I really needed and still do is follow suggestions, try different things and learn what works for me.  I couldn't do this alone.  Good luck and God Bless!!!!!
Avatar universal
I am watching my bf go through this, and I feel like I need to be out there telling people that a) it can be done, b) you need to fool yourself a bit at first, and c) you're all good people.

I am 13 year clean this year from an undergrad heroin addiction.  I was a nerd that met a hot guy in a band.  I was so wrapped up in being "cool" for once and living that Almost Famous life that I allowed myself to be stupid and ended up with a habit that took me months to kick that I never looked back from.  When you said you liked yourself better on vicodin...I understand.  I was 10x cooler, thinner, groovier on drugs, but...I was also unable to function like a human being without them and they would have killed me.  You can be just as cool...it just needs to be in a different way.

Here's my method:

1) Methadone.  Yes, you will have to detox from methadone, but it does allow the opiate receptors to heal and prevents you from going back on opiates.
2) Ditch the town you live in now.  Too many memories that will trigger your brain.  Moving to a new town will give you a fresh start and make it harder to score drugs.
3) When you move to a new town don't go to "group"--yeah yeah...people score drugs at group. Find a counselor.  Social services usually can hook you up with a free one.
4) Don't listen to the same music or movies you had while using.
5) Help somebody else--this takes your mind off of drugs and builds the self-esteem back.
6) Mentally convince yourself that someone else took those drugs.  The brain will allow you to disassociate it.
7) Eat healthy foods, no junk that makes you moody and lethargic.

and if you can do it...yoga.

Be good to yourself.
Avatar universal
btw, I'm not saying my method works for everyone, and I'm not advocating any drug (methadone) or approach.  Just saying what worked for me and worked in such a way that I didn't have a single relapse.  Not one.  I also was under a physicians care.  A lot of people try to score methadone on the streets and that's just stupid.  If you go that route you need a blood test and someone to actually prescribe what YOU need, not what you think you need, and to help you get OFF methadone once on it.

If you don't know how to get drugs or make it hard to get them (by moving) it saves you a lot of trouble.
495284 tn?1333897642
As addicts we are always looking for that instant gratification.  Recovery is a slow process and needs to be.  We didnt get into this mess overnight.  Recovery is painful but at the same time very rewarding.  You have to put the work into it.  Sitting there thinking how rotten you feel will only make you feel worse.   We are all pulling for you here and understand how you feel.  Now take our hand and take the lead.  The answers are right in front of you~~~~~sara
Avatar universal
i agree that tabs are great for depression drs used to prescribe them for depression and i cant take antidepressants due to certain side effects. it seems like everyone has some kind of fix like caffeine, nicotine, alcohol. its very hard to be totally straight.
Avatar universal
I'm not advocating anything but educating yourself on why you need help with opiate addiction.  I went to a doctor and it was what saved my life.


However, if you are one of the few who can kick this without help and stay off then I applaud you.  Doctors are your friends, however.  Go see one.  I've yet to meet one that is judgmental of the problem.  They want to save your life and won't do something to set you back.

Please take care of yourself.  Your life...all life is worth it.
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495284 tn?1333897642
City of Dominatrix, MN
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phoenix, AZ
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