dont like myself without drugs

[loveJwhite]

So it was two weeks ago today that I took my last vicodin...sure, all the withdrawals are long gone and I'm doing okay with craving. I'm just bored and I am lame. I've been thinking back a lot these past 13 days...I'm annoyed and frustrated. I feel like the only times I ever was productive, creative, fun or worth being around was when I was using. I look back at periods when I was SOBER- and 90 percent of sober time I was depressed and seeing pschiatrists and therapists, trying every anti-depressant out there, which by the way not one ever worked for me. I've spent years and so much money on therapists and anti-depressants, so you could see why I have zero faith in all of that. No one has ever been able to help me. So someone tell me please, why did the opiates work? Aaarrrrgggghhhh.

[justneedtotalk]

You are extremely lucky to be where you are this very second!  You are 16 days off of the hydro's, you are aware that you have a problem, and you have a support group both here and at home.  While reading through the previous posts, everyone on here collectively is correct.  I cannot really add a whole lot except for the fact that you have lived a long time while under the influence....It did not happen overnight and you slowly adjusted to living while on the pills.  The same is true with sobriety.  All of us fight this exact same challenge of finding ourselves again.  Many relapse because when they get past the physical and harsh mental anquish of detox they are left in a helpless fog of what to do next.  Now is the time that you need to go out and rekindle a old hobbie or create a new one.  You basically have a clean slate to re-write your life.  The core basics are already in place ie your family but how you decide to use your time is wide open to endless possibilities.  Now is the time to go out and start experiencing new things and see what makes you happy.  Depression is a horrible condition and unless you actually experience it yourself, no one can even fathom what it is like.  I too along with most on here fight depression of some sort....That is why a lot of us do so semingly well on the pills.  Like everyone here that mentioned it before, it is not real!  It is inspired and induced by a chemical substance do different than alcohol, crack, or anything else that breaks the blood brain barrier.....I am just about a week ahead of you and I consentrate on trying to fix the things or reasons why I am depressed and find hobbies or things that I can tolerate and that make me happy.....I think that modern day science has trained medical and mental doctors to use chemicals to treat the human body.....What ever happened to fixing the REASON'S why we have these problems....For example:  I love watching the stomach medicine commercials.....They basically say, go ahead and eat the horrible foods you enjoy and when your body tells you to stop (ie heartburn) take this little pill and tell your body where to go!  When we go to councelors or mental professionals they automatically assume that medication is the only way to treat mental issues....Maybe some counceling on ways to improve possitive though processes to help the brain produce its own anti-depressant chemicals.....I am sorry that I got off track there a bit but I am sick and tired of Dr.'s of any type throwing pills and chemicals at people instead of helping them identify the root causes of their problems.....Yes, I know there are cases where medication is necessary but for most of us we could have taken a different route.....Just my take on things!

[loveJwhite]

It is getting better day by day. Yesterday my husband had a day without our kids and we just hung out- went to breakfast and the bookstore to look at the books in the humor section....it was a good day. Today marks my 16th day vicodin free, the longest I've ever gone. I still haven't gone to an NA meeting, but I promised myself I would get to one soon. My husband keeps bringing it up too, so I think about it everyday. I have one of those Just for Today books in my car. Maybe I should bring it in and take a glance or two. I come on here at least fifty times a day, I don't write everytime-it seeems to have become my security blanket. I know if I'm having a hard time- there is always someone here to tell me "hey, it is okay"...thank you.

[shadow740]

I do, do, do, do get it.  Some days I feel so lame and boring.  When I overhear people talking about partying...I think about my glory days of partying with rock stars and want to shout: beneath this boring surface lurks someone who did blow off a rock stars chest!!!!

And then I remember...that's all ********, too.  Why is that "fun" supposedly more fun than the stuff I can do with my kids.

Go out and be silly.  Let yourself.  

You want to know what's fun, real true fun?  Try playing hide and go seek in the dark as an adult with friends.  Try skinny dipping as an adult.  Play kickball.  Do all the stuff you did as a kid now and its 10x more fun than it was then and more fun than drugs.  yes, I said it.  Kickball as an adult is more fun than drugs--something I wouldn't have believed 10 years ago.

[wendy111]

I understand what you are saying and I too thought I could only do my favorite thing which is ridingmy horse high. {also everything else in my life on drugs) I thought becasue I had a young horse I did not have the ability or courage to ride her through the initial training and the past 3 years usually rode high.  Many times stressed and never blamed the drugs and for 3 years never trusting her even though she trusted me.

Funny the first week straight even though really sick I rode and wow what a difference it was.  It is true what they say about animals they sense who or what you are.  I can trust her and she does trust me to do very scary things that most horses will not do.  I am better able to understand her true she threw me last week but I understand why and If I had been high I would not of understood and blamed her when it was my fault.
being high hides the real way things are.

Day 15 and staying clean is such a struggle and sometimes I remember what I did high and try to reanact what I did then and say " I did it straight and did not need drugs to do it:

every day is a roller coaster bad terrible awful and all of a sudden it is ok for a few hours. try to take those few hours and cherish them and you know today it has been 3 hours that are ok and it is only 8:30 am and still feeling good
hang in there
wendy

[loveJwhite]

Thank you for all the GREAT feedback! It is like starting all over again, I guess. But all the amazing things that made me who I am/was..I now associate with being high. How do I learn to love those things without being high? How do I go on? I love music and art and being a silly azz dork..but I associate those things with being high...it was such a big part of my life(pills) for so long....how do I love the things I love without the boost from the pills? How does someone relearn....living? I'm 33, im no spring chicken you know.

[Ourdukes4ever]

In my opinion you haven't given yourself enough time to make that assumption yet. You only have two weeks this time. Give it more of a chance. Don't assume it's going to be the same this time. Give yourself a chance to be a new person now after you made this great decision and took action to get sober.  To me, you are a rad person because you made that decision. Try to think differently about things.  I want to tell you things that helped me but they probably wouldn't make sense.  I wanted to be like a kid again, someone normal you see every day walking around, doing business, working, in the park, playing music, going to school.  What I didn't want to be was someone dependent upon a substance.  You have got to find something good to think about and do.  Just cleaning house helped me, going out for walks. Take the time to stop and look at the sky and know that you were created for a reason, just as good and as much purpose as anyone else on the face of this earth. You could volunteer and find some way to help other people. But give yourself a chance, have a little faith in yourself that things may turn out friggin' a little better this time. Just maybe something a little great will happen this time because it will. One thing I can promise is the more time you give it, the better you will feel and the better things will go. Act "as if" things are going good if you have to for a while, and pretty soon they really freakin' will be. Exercise is key also. Multi-vitamins will help. Good luck to you - and to all of us.

[whoa1]

i guess you r right i just need to find a rocky mountain high but my life in high school was exactly like that movie dazed and confused then came the 80s with coke and the 90s a little bit of everything so being straight is anew concept for me.

[bmdad]

They may be great for depression at first but eventually, due to tolerance, they will end up causing a greater deal of depression in the long run. Most can't just stick to a small amount everyday. With tolerance you end up taking more and more to get that same feeling. Over time that feeling we got from the pills that us as addicts loved goes away. We end up taking them just to keep from getting sick from withdrawals. That great feeling we use to be able to get from taking one pill is no longer possible even if we take 10. We spend so much time trying to find another doctor to prescribe more or even buying them off the streets. Some spend every last cent on them, even selling some of their most prized possessions. Some have lost their home, their car, and their job. Some have sold their high school class ring, their wedding ring, that special guitar their deceased father gave them. Some have even lost their freedom due to prison, their family, and even their life. Not saying everyone will go through all of these examples but more than likely one will build tolerance and they will no longer work for depression. No one ever knows how much they will end up losing to addiction but the sooner they realize they have a problem and seek help, the less they will lose.
So although the tabs may seem to work great, eventually they will cause more depression than what someone was experiencing before taking their first pill. There is a reason why doctors no longer prescribe opiates for depression.
And yes, everyone does seem to have some sort of fix including exercise, fishing, eating healthy, spending time with their family, etc. Not every fix has to be unhealthy. But even some of the unhealthy ones such as nicotine and caffeine won't cause the heartache that opiates, alcohol and other drugs can cause. Believe it or not there are plenty of people out there that do not have an unhealthy fix. But even some of the unhealthy ones are fine in moderation. The problem is keeping it in moderation and us as addicts tend to have a problem with that. Heck, when I eat a bowl of ice cream I have to fill it to the rim and then add another scoop or two!!

[shadow740]

K2 is synthetic THC, how will you not fail a whizz quiz?

[kristinaddme]

I completely understand what you are saying i am so bored without a buzz and not i have to drop urine 2xs a week it ***** but now i have found something that help me alot it is called K2 its kind of like weed but they sell over the counter and its natural no thc but you almost cant tell it has helped me alot through my addiction.

[shadow740]

I'm not advocating anything but educating yourself on why you need help with opiate addiction.  I went to a doctor and it was what saved my life.

http://www.nytimes.com/1997/06/03/science/one-of-medicine-s-best-kept-secrets-methadone-works.html

However, if you are one of the few who can kick this without help and stay off then I applaud you.  Doctors are your friends, however.  Go see one.  I've yet to meet one that is judgmental of the problem.  They want to save your life and won't do something to set you back.

Please take care of yourself.  Your life...all life is worth it.

[whoa1]

i agree that tabs are great for depression drs used to prescribe them for depression and i cant take antidepressants due to certain side effects. it seems like everyone has some kind of fix like caffeine, nicotine, alcohol. its very hard to be totally straight.

[dominosarah]

As addicts we are always looking for that instant gratification.  Recovery is a slow process and needs to be.  We didnt get into this mess overnight.  Recovery is painful but at the same time very rewarding.  You have to put the work into it.  Sitting there thinking how rotten you feel will only make you feel worse.   We are all pulling for you here and understand how you feel.  Now take our hand and take the lead.  The answers are right in front of you~~~~~sara

[shadow740]

btw, I'm not saying my method works for everyone, and I'm not advocating any drug (methadone) or approach.  Just saying what worked for me and worked in such a way that I didn't have a single relapse.  Not one.  I also was under a physicians care.  A lot of people try to score methadone on the streets and that's just stupid.  If you go that route you need a blood test and someone to actually prescribe what YOU need, not what you think you need, and to help you get OFF methadone once on it.

If you don't know how to get drugs or make it hard to get them (by moving) it saves you a lot of trouble.

[shadow740]

I am watching my bf go through this, and I feel like I need to be out there telling people that a) it can be done, b) you need to fool yourself a bit at first, and c) you're all good people.

I am 13 year clean this year from an undergrad heroin addiction.  I was a nerd that met a hot guy in a band.  I was so wrapped up in being "cool" for once and living that Almost Famous life that I allowed myself to be stupid and ended up with a habit that took me months to kick that I never looked back from.  When you said you liked yourself better on vicodin...I understand.  I was 10x cooler, thinner, groovier on drugs, but...I was also unable to function like a human being without them and they would have killed me.  You can be just as cool...it just needs to be in a different way.

Here's my method:

1) Methadone.  Yes, you will have to detox from methadone, but it does allow the opiate receptors to heal and prevents you from going back on opiates.
2) Ditch the town you live in now.  Too many memories that will trigger your brain.  Moving to a new town will give you a fresh start and make it harder to score drugs.
3) When you move to a new town don't go to "group"--yeah yeah...people score drugs at group. Find a counselor.  Social services usually can hook you up with a free one.
4) Don't listen to the same music or movies you had while using.
5) Help somebody else--this takes your mind off of drugs and builds the self-esteem back.
6) Mentally convince yourself that someone else took those drugs.  The brain will allow you to disassociate it.
7) Eat healthy foods, no junk that makes you moody and lethargic.

and if you can do it...yoga.

Be good to yourself.

[Punkinhead75]

  When I was depressed I didn't want to do squat.  The things is sitting around not doing anything didn't get me undepressed.  It only  made it worse.  I agree with the others-  Get up DO SOMETHING!!!!  It takes time for us to change but if we put the effort in it does happen.  Psychiatrists and what not never worked well for me either.  I didn't start to make good progress until I started working those that were like me.  I went to an IOP and continue to go to AA mtgs.  Both helped me quite a lot. My brain wants me to do all thinking for myself when what I really needed and still do is follow suggestions, try different things and learn what works for me.  I couldn't do this alone.  Good luck and God Bless!!!!!

[fromtheshadows]

Hey.  So, I'm only 17 days clean.  But I've done this over and over for 2 years straight now.  And relapsed several times in the past 10 years.  The past 2 years, I haven't had more than 6 weeks clean.

On day 17, I'm tired, cranky, totally unmotivated, depressed.  Ugh.  Just like I was each time in the past when I stopped using.

This time, however, I started reading these posts on this forum and another.  Mostly I was just looking for the Thomas Recipe and a way to help with the acute withdrawal.  I found a reference to PAWS.  An I thought, "What's PAWS."  Its post-acute-withdrawal-syndrome.

And the lightbulb went off.  Oh, no wonder I keep relapsing.  I never give it long enough to get over the deep dark depression which has been inevitably following me every time I clean up.  I have to remind myself every day that this will pass.  I force myself to work, exercise, but I don't feel much better.  Then I remind myself to take it easy on me, to accept this as part of the process.  To think positive and heal.  Reset.  Recalibrate.  

I don't know if this is the case for you, but I think its the case for me (I have to be careful, those darn pills are liars and capable of making me think anything to take them back).  But I think this is as close to true for me as possible.

Keep the chin up, loveJ.  We're all pulling for you.  Oh, and Brian's right.  Stay busy.  Good luck!!!!!

[loveJwhite]

I know your words speak volumes. I'm just worried. I'm worried because I know I was depressed long before I even started taking drugs....I'm just sad that the one thing that actually made me feel better, is something bad for me. How effing ironic, right? Thank you for the encouraging words.:)

[avisg]

You have to give yourself some more time . You need to take time to figure out who you are what you like all over again .Its almost a rebirth and it takes time to grow .heck I have three years clean and there are still times I have to figure out who I am and what I like .we get so caught up in life we forget about ourselfs .
If you can exersise makes a very big diffrance even if you just start with walking and work your way up.I HATED exersise when I started but as time went on I start to notice it was making a big diffrance in my mood and how I liked me .Taking off the pounds I had gained when I used helped to LOL... Hang in there ...life will get better

[wendy111]

Listen to Brian everything he says is so true going to keep reading this every day
wendy

[bmdad]

I too had that same problem at first. I had been laid off and wasn't staying too busy around the house towards the end of my use because that energy buzz was long gone. Once I was clean I continued to be lazy because I didn't feel like I had any motivation. I then got called back to work and for 35 days straight I was working 12 to 14 hour nights, 7 days a week. That forced me to stay busy. Well, at least at work. Once that job was over with I was laid off again for a few months. But, since work forced me to stay busy it carried right over to every day life.
So what I'm getting at is just force yourself to stay busy. Don't lay around and watch tv except at night when you are winding down. If you don't have much to do, find stuff to do. Paint a bedroom, do some landscaping around the house, go bowling, anything that you can think of. Eventually it will just become second nature. I know it can be hard to force yourself when your motivation level is hovering around zero. But if you forced yourself to not use during the rough withdrawals you can force yourself when your body is feeling better. The mental aspect of withdrawals is tough to deal with but if you honestly try to get out of the funk, you will get there.
Remember that the pills were not the true you. Even if you were still getting that extra energy from the pills that would eventually wear off. You would then just take them to keep from getting sick but be lazier than you ever have. You did the right thing fighting for your sobriety. Keep fighting. Although two weeks clean is great and I'm proud of you, the real fight is just beginning. I'm sure you've read it on here a million times, "getting clean in the easy part, staying clean is the hard part".  Now you can see the truth in that. Since you are two weeks clean you are kinda hovering at the top of the hill. You have to decide which way you are going to go. Are you gonna fall back down the other side and crash in burn in no time? Or are you gonna continue the descent to the other side. You will hit some obstacles on the way (some rough times here and there) but if you keep fighting you will get to the bottom where it levels off. The descent does take some time and might even take a month or two but each day will get easier and you will get back to the way you were before the pills.  Everything will return and you will find so much more joy in life. Many here can attest to that.
Hang in there. You're doing great!
Best of luck!

Brian

[loveJwhite]

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