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2005633 tn?1333872966

finding this hard to tell........ ive used:-(

Before i found this site I've only stayed clean 2 days. Since i found this site I've managed 7 days.
Now realised i am defiantly an addict. I use for escapism.
My mind said your daughter has chicken poxs so can't go out so no school. Can't have anyone over Incase they catch.
U r snowed. And if other daughter gets it stuck in for a month.
Yes i know it could be lot worse.
On top of it this time my problems have not vanished. I've not enjoyed it one bit. I was so tired of feeling tired.
I should of posted but i never. Won't cuddle kids as don't.when used.
S**t. This is the worse I've ever felt on it.
Think i need a sponsor to call. Its a shame u r all so far.
I've never made 7 days. This is the first time I've really really not enjoyed.
What a waste of trying.
19 Responses
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2010150 tn?1328545847
each day is a new day....if it happens again....stand back up and dust yourself off....you are in a fight for your life....it's hard as hell.....i'm just at the very beginning of all this but just with my past history i know that i'm going to need counseling....can you go to a counselor?? i want to find one that is in recovery themselves...i think that would help me alot..because they would know what it's like cause they have been there......good luck.....what i'm going to do is each day when i wake up i'm going to say to myself that " I'm not going to use today" don't even think about days, weeks etc. the saying "take it one day at a time" really, really applies to our situations on here.....i'm here to talk if you want....i have been on methadone for 7 yrs and i'm going from 40mgs to 20 mgs on mon. then after a few days i'm going into a medical detox.....you can do this !!! I can too !!!
Helpful - 0
1981878 tn?1328442474
How r u today??? How do u feel? Any better than yesterday?? Don't be so hard on yourself. You got back up and back to the forum and now u r starting again!!! That's whats important!! I'm here so PM me if u want!!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Good job hon! Keep moving ahead!  So many really good wise people on this board, I am so thankful for it.  Helped me not feel so alone.  I wish you strength to get through this.
Helpful - 0
2005633 tn?1333872966
Thank u all. This is worse I've ever felt. I had an experience that made see.
Its time. Day 1 and counting.
What would i do if i never met u all. Well i would of never made  day 7. And instead of starting a fresh today i would of continued to use. So thank u.
Zoe x
from across the world i have.found my strength.
Zoe x
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Please reach out for help with this zoea, you are worth fighting for.  You dont have to be a prisoner to this drug anymore.  Dig deep and come out fighting.  You can do this~~sara
Helpful - 0
1814148 tn?1332485798
Hey I just dropped a note on your page before reading the posts. I totally understand your struggle with coke. I remember wanting to quit sooooo bad but still found my brain scheming a plan to use the next day. The crazy shitt the brain does is nothing short of torture. Saying no the first few times is some of the hardest work I've ever done but after awhile you build resilience and a sense of pride takes over. I really feel for you today Zoe because I know you want to stop. The feelings of powerlessness is exactly what qualifies us to be addicts so don't feel like this is a unique trait that defines you as a person. You have more clean days than using days so make the most of those days honey. Snuggle, laugh, go to town, make a special dinner.  Try your best to find a meeting or have hubby watch the kids. Even if it's just long enough to connect with a sponsor. We all need someone who genuinely understands our struggle. I deeply regret confiding in certain family and friends as they have moralized my addiction an made me feel terrible. My own mother said to me, "I used to be proud to tell people that my daughter was a nurse, now I don't even mention you".."if you want to be a drug addict then you might as well join the junkies on the street because you are a loser to use drugs". My husband once said to me,"I wish you would just walk off and die somewhere cuz that's where you're heading and we'd all be better off". OUCH is an understatement. A few weeks later I told my Mom I just couldn't have her a part of my life at this time because her negativity is counterproductive to my recovery. That was two months ago and she hasn't called me since. No doubt our adddiction has impacted those we love and they are disappointed and angry. What they fail to recongnize is how our addiction impacts us and the painful emotions and circumstances that we are escaping. I'd have to say that the most genuine and heartfelt support has come from people that I have not even met in person. Despite having been brutally honest on this forum I am not fearful of being moralized or judged. The reason I mention these experiences is because you need to get out and connect with people who understand you. Not everyone is worthy to experience your journey to recovery. My counsellor told me something that has stuck with me, "what other people think of you is none of your business". So true. We should not be focused on pleasing others and living up to thier standards. Is there anyway you can get to an inpatient rehab? A break from the routine would sure be helpful and give you a jumpstart on sobriety. Just a thought. I'm on your team and and am here to help in anyway I can. I'll continue to pray for your  strength and courage to get you through the cravings.

I have researched alot of antidepressants and which ones are specifically useful in treating depression and cocaine addiction. Buproprion (Wellbutrin, Zyban) is an atypical antidepressant used as an add-on to SSRI's like Prozac. It has two chemical derivatives that are substituted for amphetamine so it's classified as a psychostimulant. It binds with the same receptors as cocaine (norepinepherine and dopamine) which helps with the cravings and behaviour modifications (compulsion to use). It's commonly prescribed for smoking cessation to. It's one of the few AD's that are attributed to weight loss and increased libido. Hope this helps. Much love and hugs to you m'love xoxo
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey Zoe,,I too understand that feeling of escapism. That is the whole reason I abused percocet and vicodin. I couldnt handle my life. I had quit 2 years ago,,made it to 30days and relapsed on that day. It was because I was miserable,,,mentally. I realized that being addicted to pain pills was because I was in emotional pain therefore I self medicated. I knew that this time around I needed to address the underlying issues and that for me was the depression. I signed up for aftercare thru my EAP. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II and I swing mostly to the depressive state. I never woulda dreamed that I was bipolar I just thought I was depressed. I saw a MD and was put on mood stabilizers(lamictal) an SNRI (Cymbalta) and a aytipical antipsychotic (seroquel) which is also a "mood stabilizer" My doctor told me that its all trial and error finding the right combo that works best for you.  Are you able to get a hold of your MD and discuss this with him? I can tell you that those meds have helped me tremendously,,I finally feel,,,reconnected to the world and life again. Dont worry about relapsing,,we have all done it. Whats important is getting back up on the horse again and trying again. Keep in mind opiates alter the chemicals in the brain,,you brain just quits making the "feel good" chemicals because the pills took over that part. So in the beginning your moods are all over the place because your brain has to figure out how to make them again.

Some members dont agree with antidepressants and I understand their rationale as well. I will be weaned slowly off the meds around the six month period. Aftercare is gonna be the missing piece of the puzzle here,,its very inportant that you find a support group,,therapist,,NA/AA whatever you feel comfortable with. I have heard that some NA meetings are online and you call a number and are confrenced in with other members. I dont know the number though. I wish you the best and hang in there,,,it does get better I promise. You just gotta feel it and go thru this process of detox. Be kind and baby yourself and set small goals for each day. Also cut off that pill supply-youre playing with fire if you think you can handle being around them or are saving the script for "just in case".. Just in case of what though?? That is the question. Chin up!~Bkitty ((hugs))
Helpful - 0
2005633 tn?1333872966
Thank u x
not in a good place now. This is Gona stop. Its not doing anything anymore.
I needed this. I have to deal with problems. Not block them. This time its made me bad and still worrying about money I've lost on this. Time to deal with it
Helpful - 0
1981878 tn?1328442474
Zo don't be so hard on urself. U hv been there for me all weekend while I was hving a bad time... I am always here. I messed up and u helped me stand back up... now let me help u!!!
Sending prayers and hugs ut way!!!
Deb
Helpful - 0
2005633 tn?1333872966
I've had it. No more a new start.
Thanks u guys really.
Zoe
Helpful - 0
1767882 tn?1331409169
Zo - I know EXACTLY how you feel. It stopped working for me to. It was absolutely HELL. I couldn't stand myself clean, and the drugs wouldn't numb me anymore. That was my "jumping off point". By all means get a sponsor. NA/AA is worldwide. Or you can find a meeting online. I needed that support to get clean. I talk to other addicts and go to meetings nearly every day, and like Lulu says, many meetings are kid-friendly. We feel your pain. You can do this. I had to get beaten down pretty good to become willing to change. Like Gnarly says "The desire to get clean has to be stronger that the desire to get high." Good Luck and my prayers are with you.
Helpful - 0
1926359 tn?1331588139
Hi Zoea..
I don't know about the UK, but in Canada and the US there are NA/AA meetings with childcare.  Do a search on the internet for meetings in your area and check it out.
We all use to avoid things, whether it be physical or emotional pain.  Recovery is about learning to live in a new way. It takes time, patience, and a lot of self love.  Take it one step at time. There are no quick fixes...it's a journey with a steep learning curve but it is worth it.  And so are you.
Lu
Helpful - 0
1990784 tn?1331871778
Zoe...if u ever wanna talk I'm here....remember that;) and now u need to just get really focussed  and have a positive outlook on your future.  just take one step in a positive  direction each day and you'll be amazed at how u feel!  And 6 days is really an accomplishment and pretty much past the worst of the physical wd's.  you need to commit to yourself that this is what U want and nothing is gonna stop u! You, I know, can do this!!
Helpful - 0
2005633 tn?1333872966
Most of u use through pain. Mines to avoid things. Got my own house great kids. This is all s**t. Can't get meeting no one to have kids.
Im on fluxotine any advise for better anti depressentts. Dr.does not know about my coke use
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Look you are not the first and definetly not the last person to relapse.  I have not made it more than 10 days since June 2011 without collapsing and using. I can tell you that dwelling on it or feeling guilty is just a recipe to use again.  You cannot change the past, you can only move forward, so start looking at the moments in front of you.

You really need to cut off all sources of the pills, the reality is if you do not, in all likelihood you will be back to using.  For me, I would get a week, think I was feeling so good and then the cravings would kick in and I would obsess over them until I caved.  Well I am not going to to do it anymore.  

I also was always thinking about getting 30 days, 60 days, whatever and was so envious of everyone on the site for having so much clean time but I myself could never accomplish it.  Such a self defeating thought.  I know if I go a month, I will feel better than any high I ever got from pills just by accomplishing that goal.  So set some goals for you, cut off the supply and take it day by day.  Just do not use today and you won a major battle.
Helpful - 0
1926359 tn?1331588139
zoea
Hey girl...Don't beat yourself up as it's truly a waste of energy that can be put to better use getting a new plan in place.  If you go to NA/AA you will find a world of support and a sponsor.  No one does this alone and you need to set yourself up for success.  Get rid of the drugs and start again.  Do whatever it takes to guard your sobriety...Your life is worth it.

Sending a big hug...
Lu
Helpful - 0
2004743 tn?1339349335
Thats great 7 day u over the worst part. Just stick with it I gone longer then I ever have and don't whant have to start over. So keep it up. Sorry about the chicken pox I been through that with my own kids and it was a mess LOL
Helpful - 0
2011934 tn?1329332634
I too had never lasted longer than 5 days.  I'm doing this all alone, by choice.  However, with this site, I know i'm not alone.  I know my addiction is nothing to be ashamed of, but something that happens to many.  My family is full of recovering addicts....alcohol, pills, etc.  I just always thought I was stronger.  I would never succumb to the addictive gene. I did, i'm human, I make mistakes.  I choose to do this alone, and with this site... i'm on Day 12.  You can do this.  I've done it cold turkey many times, but this is the farthest i've gotten.  Keep posting, keep reading it helps!  Good Luck.  We are here if you need.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Remember, every day is a new day.  Pick yourself back up and start again.  Beating yourself up isn't going to change what you did, you are human, we are all human.  You made it farther than you ever had, next time you will make it further - set your mind to it and maybe consider meetings or putting some aftercare into place so you have more of  a safety net.  Did you buy or have them?  If you have them still sounds like it may be time to think about flushing, if you bought them try to put some roadblocks into place to keep yourself from instance access in these early days.  I'm new and just learning but I wanted to say hello and commend you for the courage to reach out and admit that you slipped up.
Helpful - 0
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