functioning instead of living

[GeorgiaJLY]

Today is day 5.  I actually got some sleep last night and feel as if this was a big help.  I woke up and didn't feel as if I need to search this house to find one of those pills ( knowing I don't have any, I found myself doing that).  During these past days I realized I've been functioning my life instead of living it to the fullest.  Pills are what my world was revolving around and I have so many other things out there that are important.  My hands aren't as shaky today so I'm able to type much better without hitting the back button like crazy.  The depression has eased so much and feel as if I'm not walking in the fog any longer.  For the past few days that was what it was like with firecrackers going off in my head.  Can I say I'm no longer in pain, no way.  However, I have come to the conclusion my mind was in more pain than my body because these pills were controlling my every move.  I have to say I was fearful to even write on here at first because someone might find out my dirty little secret.  I've walked around with this burden by myself too long and know without some sort of support I can't do this so if this is my support then so be it.  It has helped me and reading other post it has helped others. I'm thankful to have found this site and see that I'm not alone.  It happens to the best of us and isn't what we want out of life.  I have also had to search hard to see how it got so bad.  It started for physical pain but over time was a mental thing.  I need an extra for this or that and soon it became a habit that I didn't even see.  I want my life back, the life full of happiness, anger, whatever the case, I just don't want these pills to be me anymore.  I need to deal with it not them.  So, here it is early in the morning so I will just see how the day unfolds.  Thanks to many for their post and support.  We are doing this together.

[sickof4742]

I am actually on Day 2 and yesterday was worse than today. I am actually able to function working today but I did take vallium last night to sleep but i haven't eaten anything since Tuesday and I feel really week.  for some reason Air borne seemed to help me.

[howlingshadow]

I got so sick, still am, but every step you take imagine yourself stronger. You have to fight it, the pills arent the answer, just a cover. You need to dig deep within yourself and pull out the strength inside you did not know exsisted. You have already proven you have it, lets see it. Dont let him get to you that way. Punch a punching bag, scream yell, do what you have to do, cry, but we will be here for you.

[GeorgiaJLY]

I just got off the phone with my Husband.  He works out of town and is clueless as to what I'm dealing with.  If anyone can push your buttons it's your spouse.  I'm shaking so bad now I guess I'm glad I can't get my hands on any right now.  I know I'm weak and would use again even though I don't want too.  I know this is how I've handled things in the past.  Get upset and go straight to them.  It's been like this for sometime now.  The not dealing with life using these pills to do it so this is going to be my hardest struggle.  I guess this is a great place for me because if anyone understands it's another user.  I'm  trying to find myself out as to why I let it get so bad.  I want to be strong with my mind and physically but how do you do it?  I've seen post like exercise, I think, really, I can hardly walk or stand.  

[howlingshadow]

Your story sounds exactly like mine. My life revolved around whether I had pills or not, I would look at my son, begging and needing my attention and just start bawling. I think living with my pain is better than the nightmare I was in. I decided cold turkey was best for me, Its been a horrid two weeks and I am still suffering. I know step after step every step I take is another step home :) Even when I feel like my legs are two week and I will fall at work, lol, I keep going.

[IwillDoThis]

I to got started on this path due to chronic pain, but then the pills stopped working but I kept taking them - it is frightening to think what one will do when the pain comes back and how I will handle it but I will.  I don't ever want to fall in this trap again.  Keep posting Georgia, this board has been a Godsend to me through this week.  I want to remember my life again, not have hazy memories I'm not sure about. Today is day 4 and I'm feeling so much better.  

[bama88]

Living life sober is different...when the fog.lifts and you see clearly...its a beautiful thing...youll.find your so much more patient  logical  look better..the list goes on and on. I would.challenge you to set goals...small ones big ones  week ones month year....it helps me stay focused

[zoea]

See u took because of pain. I took to forget i suppose. So i have no excuse. But coming off anything is hard. I hate the fog. I hate the tiredness. I hate the moods. But not as much as i hate myself for using.
It will work out for the best. At least we r living in the real world now.
Be strong.
Zoe