getting honest.....

[AmberHunter]

just going to start like this: last night i drank... we are having a big music festival here and i was feeling festive and decided to have a beer and two shots of jager... i started to feel guilty and then had to remind myself that i am not in NA picking up chips anymore... but i did feel like i owed it to this forum to be honest... so there it is...

it was not much fun, it was even less fun this morning and i don't feel like repeating it tonight but it kind of scares me... i don't want to go back to where i was but i don't seem to have ever been successful in recreational use of ANYTHING... but i am not going to beat myself up over this, not much anyhow!

doc, am i gonna be okay??? get out your crystal ball and tell me!!!

amber

[AmberHunter]

hey sweetie! i was just re-reading posts and saw that you had posted here so i thought i would jump in and say "hi"!!! ;-)

i have started a little forum which is kind of like this but much less complicated. you can post a question anytime you want, no waiting in line to post! if you are interested, or if anyone else is interested just email me at: ***@**** and i will email you the link!!

peace,

amber

[terter]

Hi anyone, I have been reading posts on this forum for a long time and decided to get the nerve to write something. After reading AlexinTx gave me the strength. I too had a childhood that is unbelieveable. I wasn't abused but my parents and brothers and sisters are all drug dependent and have always been I told my self not me but what do you know, Sometime if anyone would like to here my storie let me know it's unbelievable but I need to work on now. I was taking Ultram about 15 to 20 a day then went up to vicoden and vicoprophen to name a few 3 to 4 at a time and depending on supplie 20 to 30 a day for almost 3 years  a couple weeks ago after other failed attempts I started tappering with Darvocette (spelling)My doc gave this to me after saying I needed to stop taking vics. I went through withdrawls for 8 days but the darvocette helped me sleep a bit and no runs anyway I got broncitis during this time and got cough syrup which a took a few tablespoons a day, I slipped for about 4 days by taking Ultram but I stopped when they didn't work. I have only had 1 tablespoon of tussinex in this being my second day of withdrawls and every bit of anything is gone. I am a 41 year old female with 4 kids only 2 teenagers live at home and the other 2 on there own. I have a 2year old grandson that I adore and cant believe I've been on pills his whole life. I am going to do it this time. I have Thomas' recipe and so much advice from here that I know I can do it, I have good support from my husband and family but even so they don't understand fully, I talk to my mom who was a heroin/morphine/methodone addict she adviced me to try methodone clinic which I don't want to do thanks to you guys here. I don't mean to ramble I guess I just need people to talk to and understand depression/sleep ect... Thank you all Amber-Burn-Thomas-Peaz Alexintx just to name a few you don't know it but you are all helping and I hope I can help too....

[AlexisInTx]

About the Suzuki Method -- I'm going to have to ask her that one (she's just a first year student).  But I'll definitely inquire. :)

Alexis

[AlexisInTx]

Hey, I'm so glad you wrote.  I've been reflecting (rut-ro) a little tonight, took the bare amount of codeine so I could get up and do some laundry and it leads to a certain amount of guilt because I SO badly want to be off of these damn things.  I'm taking about 2.5 30 mg. pure codeine tabs daily, which is WAY down from where I was, and the depression is quite overwhelming at times.

This is what I was pondering.  Now I'm not going to be an armchair psychologist and attribute any and everything to my parents, because for the most part, they were absolutely wonderful people who loved me dearly.  But I remember one night VERY vividly.  I was only about 5 or 6 years old and something possessed me to wake up in the middle of the night (or morning) at about 2:00 a.m. to find my mother, who would hold a cigarette in her left hand while she wrote in her crossword puzzle in her right hand while watching TV.  Apparently, she had passed out and the cig burned down and caught her hair on fire.  I walked into the kitchen to find my Mom's hair aflame!  I screamed and told her that her hair was on fire and she was able to put it out without so much as a singe (it had just started).  But I think what if I weren't there to see it?  It's been such a vivid memory for me for so many years and I need to let all of that go.  I actually told my sister and she had to stifle a chuckle because in retrospect, the hair aflame thing can be funny but only in Leslie Nielson movies.

Yep, I'm going to be busy with Mother's Day events, how about yourself?  I'm going to go see my Mom in re-hab, and my Dad was wanting me to come visit him (1 hr. drive, I CANNOT make that 2 ways) and he got a little angry with me on the phone, but man, it's Mother's day and I'm a mother too!  There was a time where I would go there every time they wanted us to, but it's just getting all consuming and right now I don't have the energy.  I'm going to keep on keepin' on and look to y'all for inspiration (which you provide in abundance).

Take care hon, and I will check in soon.

Alexis

[peaz]

Hey You---Just thinking about you and wondering how you're doing......I suppose you're doing Mother's Day stuff all weekend, which is good--it will take your mind off any other ****. (I have such a way w/ words, don't I?)  You story about your own mother serves as a reminder of who/what you DON'T want to be, though I'm not meaning to disrespect you mom.  The point is, you recognize that, as much as she  wanted to be there in the midst of family things, basically she had lost herself, and could not be there for you. So what more would one need for motivation?!
   Please post if you get a minute. I hope the emotions have leveled off somewhat.  If you're anything like me, I look much better in my contacts than I do my glasses.....so crying is a double-edged sword....LOL  Seriously, Hang in there. At least you made it through the concert. ( I play violin, too....Did she leard the Suzuki Method?)  Best--Peazy

[AlexisInTx]

You both have helped me SO much with your posts.  I just wish you could really understand how MUCH.

Peazy, I know ultimately that if I don't take care of myself, I'm not gonna be any good to ANYONE.  That's what I saw with my own Mother.  She was always so concerned about others, that she would end up drinking every night into oblivion.  She didn't take care of herself or her health, and I have to say that if she were to ask me what ONE thing I would wish for what would it be, it would have been to see her clean and sober, out making friends and having a good time with her life and not just sit there watching T.V. at the kitchen table, smoking and drinking with a crossword puzzle in front of her.  I'm definitely not putting her down, but I saw that she felt that she needed to 'be right in the middle' whenever anyone needed her, and that's not what we kids needed, we needed for her to be whole, and it didn't seem as she was.

Amber - you are so sweet, I have read your posts and you have such a wonderful sense of yourself and I'm so proud that you have gotten yourself out of the hole.  I'm so sorry that you had to go through such a dark time, but to get back to living again as you have is awe-inspiring.  I go through periods of deep, dark depression and I don't know quite how to handle them.  Right now, I'm taking the minimal amount of codeine just to 'get through'.  I was unable to get up all morning/afternoon until now because of the taper schedule I'm on.  I'm hoping to be able to be off of all opiates by the end of next week.  I'm also just about to say to hell with it and just go c/t -- I want to speed the process along.  I also now have a problem with taking benzos -- I'm planning on a slow taper with that because of the dangers involved.  

Big ((((Hugs)))) to the both of you.  I'll be reading and posting in between feeling like ****, but know that you've helped me more than you know just understanding where I am.

Love, Alexis

[DJPJ]

Sorry about that. I was aware of this fact and should have said so....I will not make the mistake again.

[peaz]

Darlin', I wasn't tryin' to scold you.....just clarify a little.  I don't run the joint, I just work here....:-)  My best to you!!  Peazy

[AmberHunter]

hey sweetie, i just read your journal... wish i could wrap my arms around you and let you cry and feel safe and know somehow things are going to be ok...

i have been in that dark hole that you are in... i tried to take my own life last july... there didn't seem to be any point in waking up each and every day feeling like i did...

i would have never believed it if someone had told me i would feel this whole ten months later... and not quite five months clean... for so long i had NO HOPE... none, it was so frightening and then one day i got so numb from being so afraid for so long, so afraid i was losing my mind... and then one day i went downstairs, put on some mood music (music so depressing to me i just laid there and cried) and tried to end it...

fast forwarding to today... what happened after that is posted somewhere on this board or another... that is not as important as where i am at today...

please email me if you want to talk someetime, ***@****... there was something about your journal that almost reminded me of sylvia plaths "the bell jar" so i hope to hear from you.

love,

amber

[peaz]

Zyban is not only SIMILAR to Wellbutrin: It IS Wellbutrin.  Same drug: different  nomenclature depending on indications.

[DJPJ]

This is my first time posting. I am 36 and have been using anything and everything since I was 14. I am an addict. I love OCs....more than the others. I am posting only to encourage you to take Anne's advice and consider Wellbutrin. I took it for a couple years to treat depression. I was 25 at the time. About 60 days into taking it I started to feel better...much better. I decided that I wanted to make changes in my life and kick drugs. I was completely clean for over a year. Started to smoke pot again and before you know it I was getting high on something every day. I spoke with my wife about taking Wellb. just a couple days ago.

You may be familiar w/ a drug called Zyban. It helps smokers kick the habit. It is very similar to Wellb. This drug came out after several studies showed people kicked the habit taking Wellb.   My point is this... I am confident that Wellb helped me clean up and I intend to see my Doctor to try it again. Despite what studies show this drug did cause me sexual disfunction. That is why I stopped taking it. I was dating at the time and to be honest, it was embarassing. My wife told me my erection is not as important as my well being. I tend to equate the two. Anyway it is a long road and we need all the help we can get.

[AlexisInTx]

Hi you two - thanks so much for responding.

Peaz, I agree that too much introspection can be a bad thing.  I think it's a good outlet at times, but if it's going to consume my days and nights, it becomes very non-productive.

Right now I'm tapering with minimal amounts of codeine.  I'll get to the point where I feel as if I can't tolerate it (and I have two children to take care of, so I need to be at least minimally functional), I'll take 1, 28.7 mg. pill.  I'm going to increase the time between doses and then break the pill in 3/4 after a week, then 1/2 of a pill until I feel somewhat stabilized, then...nothing.  You're also right about my husband's problem being his gig, I have mine right now and I need to get myself well and keep my mind occupied with that.  I also empathize with him, but I would like to have an open line of communication.  But if it's not to be, then I'll take the focus off of that aspect and just concentrate on myself right now.  I hope you're doing well (you sound great. :) )

Passenby, thanks so much for your prayers.  Mine will be with you this weekend -- you can do this, you sound like a very strong person.  I know you've endured so much, but since you have your husband's help with this, I think you'll get through a lot easier.  It helps to have someone there when you go through it, and you know the actual w/d phase is fairly short, and afterward, you start feeling like your old self again and it's really good.  Warm baths are always the first thing I do when I start feeling the first effects, and they really help tremendously.  I hear you about the depression -- I was feeling really depressed last night for some reason, but woke up this morning feeling renewed for some reason.  I just now took a small amount of codeine so I could get some laundry done and some other stuff, but I know that this is the end of the line for me in re: to taking pain pills.  I never had that feeling before -- I always knew I hadn't hit rock bottom, and for some (i.e., me) that's unfortunately what it takes.  There is no way I will go back now -- not only the expense to my finances, but the expense to my health, physical and mental are at stake here, as well as the toll it takes on my family.

My thoughts are with you -- I know that you are going through such a hard time right now and I want to hear about how your c/t went, please post when you get back and let us all know how you're doing.  I'll be thinking about you, trying to send some good vibes your way.  Take care in the meantime.

[peaz]

Hi Lulu--You sound like a sane (!) reasonable person who has a workable plan in place now you go girl!!!  You don't have to be the perfect mom/wife during the few (comparatively) days of W/D that are really a ***** and difficult to withstand  or function.  They'll make it JUST FINE.  We mothers tend to dote on our broods far too much, anyway. Please  put yourself FIRST, because, as you've undoubtedly heard before, if you can't clean up your act, you ain't gonna be **** for them in the end, anyway....So you need to do this, and I can tell by what you posted that you KNOW it's time and you will give it all ya got.  And that's enough!!  You can do it!!
  My pom-poms are getting a little raggedy (I AM SFF!!!!!) so I will retire to the lockers,,,,,,,,but I WILL be thinking of you.  Good luck, Doll...Love, peazy

[passenby]

I just read your jounal.I just don't know how to respond. you touch my heart and I'm speechless even though I haven't really experienced WD yet believe me when I say I know where your coming from with depression. I've dealt with it since I was a teen and didn't even know what was wrong with me. As bad as it was there was nothing that tore my heart appart like losing my son.I know everyone says that has to be the ultimate and it is but let me tell you depression is depression and no one as the market on it.It's kind of like being a little addicted and some are really addict because they have been that way most there life. all I can say is I feel for you so much if there is anything I'm pulling for you and praying too.Oh and I will get back to you with the WD after next week.THis is what really scares me since I've battle depression all my life OMG what is this going to do to me. This is how I got hook in the first place. please take care.

[AlexisInTx]

Also, I read your message below passenby and appreciate what you said.  I would have replied had I could (the thread had reached the quota of posts to reply to).  I hope all is well with you...

The buprenorphine I was supposed to get...I didn't.  I remember clearly (now) that I had a hard time coming off of a miniscule amount of it before -- I had tapered down to 1/4 of a .02 sublingual pill daily, and suffered RBS (restless body syndrome), sick to my stomach, depression, etc.  All of the usual w/d symptoms, so I'm going to taper quickly down from a small amount of codeine I have left (I haven't taken any this evening, so I'm really sick - cannot wear my contacts because of the constant crying - just goes with the territory).

The journal I listed above is a little window into my soul.  I'm thinking about admitting myself into a hospital because of this complete despondancy, to be honest.  It's hard for me to be a person who can accept help from others because it spurns a quick guilt reaction in me for some reason.  My husband said if I were to admit myself into the hospital, it would be a psychiatric ward, and they may not treat the symptoms I'm having as they should.  He's a BIG believer in not using the resources the medical community has to offer (even in re: to physical problems).

My husband read my journal (I have about 5 other entries in Word) and cried.  I haven't seen him do this before -- he said that he felt the way I wrote many times and it allowed some time for self-reflection.  He has lied to me yet again tonight about his drinking - when we went to my daughter's orchestra recital, he was reeking of alcohol and said he had one beer on the way home, and then told me later he had several glasses of wine at lunch.  I know I have no room to talk about it, it's just that he knows everything that's going on with me, but he is continually fabricating stories - it makes me sad.

I'm sorry for breaking into your thread -- I'm not sure where else to post because I can never start a new thread of my own.  I wish it were easier to do so.

[suzieneedshelp]

In response to your wondering above.  No i do not believe your guilt is from N A conditionaing.  Just the opposite..it is real guilt from your heart and soul and your higher power inside you.  But our disease controls my thinking and IT is the culprit for my obsessing on anything and esp on some negative emotion like guilt.  Our disease wants me to wallow in guilt and get myself self soo depressd and in the dumps that I will say f___ it!  Whats the use!  I'll just go back out and use to numb these guilty feelings.  Feelings are not bad...It is what we do with our emotions that is the key to our recovery.  But i was clueless how to handle life other than using and numbing myself almost to death literally.  That is why i needed to surrender that i cant do this on my own and get help.  RElapse of course you know is just part of my recovery.  It is only when i truely accept my powerlesness and surrender totally, as millions have, that i have true hope of maybe not relapsing.  But all i can know is that i will make it thru today if i take the actions, i am told by other adicts who know, to keep me clean today.
Love,
Suzie

[peaz]

Hi Doll.  You're havin' a hard time of it, I know.  You're right in that you can't worry about your husband's duplicity w/ his drinking.  That's HIS gig, and you have enough on your plate. Yeah, it really WOULD be nice if he was on the level w/ ya, but I'll bet if he sees how "the truth has set you free" that, if nothing else, he will eventually own up to his **** and that will at least be a BEGINNING.
   So are you tapering, planning to, going CT or just hangin' in limbo? How can I help, darlin'?     I need a little more info as to directly WHERE YOU'RE AT in the detox thang to figure out how to help.  So clue me in, K?
   Or just talk and think out loud---whatever works.  I read that you're the journaling person..I just posted to Anne on another thread above that sometimes the introspection became overwhelming---I couldn't escape myself and the journal actually became detrimental.  Maybe you need a break from all the heavy ruminating and just need to " hang and chill" for a few days.....  Just a thought.  Back away from the turmoil and  concentrate on something sweet and simple.
   Anyway, I'm thinkin' of you.  Stay sweet.  Peazy

[NEW ORLEANS LADY]

Hi and welcome--If you are looking for help because of your drug use this is the place to be--Most everyone on this forum knows exactly what you are going through!--I think one of the reasons many addicts return to using is not being able to handle the depression--The thing that has made a substantial difference this time for me is I'm taking an anti-depressant called Wellbutrin--Can you possibly make an appointment with a doc and see if something like that would be appropriate for you?--What about an addictionologist?--In the meantime just keep reading and posting someone will eventually respond!  Just remember-- you are not alone we're all in the same boat just trying to stay afloat!  You'll be in my prayers--Peace/N.O. Lady/AKA Mystere

Anne

[StrengthandHope]

Hey Everyone,

Its been awhile since my last post but I was thinking about posting something like this for awhile.  I have a pill (mostly oxy codone and oxycontins), alcohol, marajuana problem since I was about 12.  I am now 29.  I have been clean since mid sept. This was my first honest attempt at going clean.  I did it and was very strong, I really thought I was over it. the truth is the depression has never ended.  I am very sad all the time.  I over relied on an old girlfriend who I have completely pushed away because of my struggle.  My parents are of no help being that they think me admiting I have a drug problem makes them look like bad parents.  Reading these posts is all I have right now to help me.  I need help very bad.

about 2 or 3 weeks ago I started using again... everything. I am so weak. My question is: does anyone here go through this alone? How do you do it? I think I only have one friend who doesn;t have a serious drug problem.  I goto NA sometimes but it makes me so sad afterwards.

I live in philly. Hipee think you could send me an email.  I would like to know which NA meetings you attend.  ***@****

thanks for all your support it is truly appreicated.

[AlexisInTx]

Just wanted to post a quick message.  I'm dealing with coming off of the pain pills right now, and having a hard time of it -- REAL hard.  I understand everyone has gone through this as well, and I know that many have come out the other side and I think this is wonderful.

There are also other variables that I've been dealing with in this.  So I've created an online journal to chronicle my feelings.  It's been a tremendous help to be able to get my mind off of the physical pain and mental anguish and give me a little more time (or take away more time, which ever the case may be).

Here is the link if anyone is interested:  http://www.geocities.com/kateyez37/mypage.html

I went to see my daughter's orchestra concert tonight, and I could barely keep from crying from depression.  I tried to enjoy it, but I think those who know what it's like in the throes of withdrawal understand that w/d is just about all you can think of.  

So on to another day...

Alexis

[steve1981]

I was severly addicted to OCs a couple of years ago.  I was clean for a few months, then started taking norcos, lortabs, etc. for a while.  It didn't take long before I was addicted to Oxys again.  Be careful.  If you get addicted to the norcos, then you can't find any one day, but know where so oxys are, you'll probably end up back on them.

[AmberHunter]

there is no such thing as perfection... no perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect recovery *looking at self in mirror*

it has gone something like this for me in NA:

clean 4 months

clean 15 months

clean 8 years

clean 6 months

clean NOW!!

would i change it, maybe... but did i learn something every single time from it all? yep! i sure did~ and today i don't hold myself up to an all or nothing recovery such as i had pursued for so many years in NA...

good luck!!!!!! and keep trying!

amber

[lisabet]

Hey you----I understand your feeling of aloneness and hopelessness; all of us users have felt this way.  In a way, we really are alone - nobody can help us but...OURSELVES....but God, it's really hard to do.  You were clean for 6-7 months before starting to use again....WAY TO GO!!!! My dear, you are NOT weak, especially if you were clean that long..  My God, I've never been ever to stay clean for that long....Believe me, if you did it before you can do it again!!!  Sweetheart, if you're having problems with depression, please see a doctor.  I, myself am on prozac (which I was on years ago to battle post-partem depression)....I've now been on it 2 months, and believe me, it helps...of course, this is only my experience (also, in my experience, do NOT take Paxil, this anti-depressant seems to have more side effects and if you go off of it you have all kinds of symptoms!)  My hope for you is that you can claim your life back....love/peace, Lisabet

[AmberHunter]

just read the docs post... i am going to print that out and paste it on my bathroom mirror! i really am!! thank you so much for answering that post, and on a sunday no less!!!!!!

as far as tabu goes, not from the forties, not even close but i LOVE tabu, my aunt wore it in the sixties and to this day whenever i smell tabu it brings me back to a wonderful time in my life!!!! sometimes i even where it myself!

thanks again!

amber