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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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1699388 tn?1313840562

getting pi$$ed at the pills....finally

ok...i'm gonna keep this short and sweet cuz honestly, all our stories pretty much end up with the same results.  i tried about 6 weeks to quit and i failed.  had the support of all my family, friends, and husband and failed.  "detoxed" for a weekend...and ended up back at the doctor for 120 more norcos that i ate in almost 2 weeks.  now got a script last monday for 90 percs and have 10 left.  so i am outta control more now than ever.  but here's the thing, at least in my own mind.  it's like i over indulge in them so they will be gone so i can be over this.  if that makes any sense?  i want to quit so bad and have for months now, but i cant get passed the habit.  the axiety is god awful, which i suffer from anyway...i cannot take benzos...they act as an immediate sleeping pill for me and i have a 1 yr old and 5 yr old to take of all day long.  a month ago my family doc put me on cymbalta and i was fairly honest in telling him i wanted to try it to try to stop narcotics...and it made me extremely apathetic and then i ended up having a reaction to it.  honestly, i am quite against a/d's anyway cuz they are just as bad if not worse to come off of.  been there done that with lexapro 4 years ago.

anyway....the hardest thing for me is i am surrounded by pills.  my husband, my mother, my father in law...everyone i am close to takes them.  husband hides his...i find them everytime if i am out.  i know u will all tell me to make sure he knows i'm trying, hide them better...blah, blah....but honestly?  this isn't his responsibilty.  it's mine.  why can't i find the self control to get off, stay off, and not seek them out?

ok now i'm in tears.  i went thru boxes of old pictures the other night to see what i looked like without pills.  to try to bring back memories of a time in my life when i wasn't taking them.  i couldn't find any throughout the last 5 years.  since the time my daughter was born.  i don't want to be this kind of mother.  it's not that i'm stoned all day and can't take care of my kids...i take from 5-8 percs a day right now but thats just to be normal.  nooooo buzz...nothing like that.  i am a smoker...and it's like i just cant put them "down" like u just become used to smoking when u wake up, after you eat, before bed, etc.  i get nothing from it, as a matter of fact i hate it, but i can't stop.

i have prayed so hard and asked god for deliverence and it hasn't come.  so then i get mad.  i get frustrsated and disappointed that He doesn't even care.  which i know isn't true.  i grew up in the church all my life.  my mom was once a big addict on everything immaginable...went to a revival in the 70's and was delivered of everything.  no withdrawal, no cravings, just a miracle.  i went to one with her at her church a couple months ago expecting the same thing and got nothing.  i know it doesn't happen for everyone, but when  i cry out to god why won't he help me?  it's so very discouraging.  debbie...i know you'll be able to shed some light on this.

so much for short and sweet ;)  i really want to go to counseling.  i do.  i am a stay at home mom and it's so hard for me to find a sitter during the day.  i usually take my kids to doc appts with me, but i know i can't with a counseling appt.  my husband works very long hours and the last thing he wants to do is watch 2 crazy kids when he gets home from work.  i know in a perfect world but needs to be done...and i know u will all take the liberty in telling me also...but keep in mind that everyone's life situations are different.  i am ashamed to admit that being a SAHM has made this extremely hard.  i would venture to say it's the reason why i can't quit.  i read Gnarly...how u lost an awesome job but had to to protect your sobriety.  i feel like i need to get outta this damn house and interact with people.  but i refuse to let someone else raise my kids.  yes....it would be better for them to have a sober mother even it meant me going back to work...but i don't have a career where i could get into a high paying job....so the cost of daycare would offset any income.  anyway...thats neither here nor there, as this is something my husband and both discussed before we even got engaged.  i would raised our kids, no one else.  thats just us.  nothing against working moms and daycare.  i think its great.  i'm just so bored and stressed with the screaming, fighting, diapers, feeding alllll fraking day long that pills have just been "mommy's little helper".

well now i'm pi$$ed.  i'm pissed that i play these games with doctors.  that instead of cleaning my house right now or working in the garden...i have to sit here and write this book in desperation for support.  i am a slave.  but i am mad.  i am tired of this whole thing but i don't know how to end it.  well now i dont have a choice.  i have 10 pills left.  no appt even set up and requested all my records from the pain mgt doc be sent to my family doc.  so that is over.  thats where i got them in the first place.  

blah, blah, blah....i could go on and on.  i read every single post on here everyday....sometimes more than once.  so i know all about the recipes, the counseling, the meetings, everything i need to do.  i'm just trying to ge there.  but i've never been this mad.  so hopefully i can do this.  when i'm pissed i usually accomplish alot.  the adreline gets me going i guess.  so maybe this time it'll happen.  i hope so.  we bought a boat a month ago and feel like if i can just get on the water and ride this thing out under the sunshine and on the open water maybe i can.  sounds dumb i know.

please go easy on me as some of you know me from previous posts.  hubby and i are fighting big time right now as he is in a stressful place himself right now, so i am very fragile and very angry right now.  i just need the support.  the "you can do it's" and maybe some similar stories.  if i had a job and my kids were in daycare, and i could take a week off work while they are still there and do this...i could.  but that's not my life.  so if anyone could relate that'd be great.  this place has been my solace in trying to fight this and become knowledgeable, so i appreciate that.  i really do.
15 Responses
Avatar universal
Hi!   It's going to be okay;it really is...I read through your post and I understand. I think you just need to make a couple of decisions here: First,you have to decide to make your mind up that it's over. You need to decide how to end it. You are out of control but you can get right into control. It's all in your head! I'm serious. Once you have the mindset,you'll make it. Every day gets a little easier until you're laughing!!

For you,I think you need to taper. You need help with it and someone to trust. I tapered because I HAD to but I'll tell you: it wasn't that bad. It gave me a lot of time to prepare for the end mentally. You really are saying goodbye to what you feel is a best friend. (Which is a bunch of BS,anyway!) You can taper a tiny bit over a long period of time. The withdrawal is minimal. I think it beats being really sick at home and you're not alone all day!!  You have to stick to it,though. You have to commit!

What do you think?  What do YOU want to do. Something needs to change because this is only going to get worse.  Stop trying to fight it. Accept the addiction and move on from it. It's more powerful than all of us but you can get past it. Anyone can. It's just in your head!!

Let us know...I've got a few other thoughts but this is enough for now!
1653969 tn?1390335261
Listen to what Vicki said above and I'm going to tell you a little of my story too so you are not alone in this.We had just about the same useage and home life. I was doing 5-6-7-8 a day and not enough to get any buzz just enough to feel "normal".I work part time but am home with 3 kids and that takes alot out of you,mentally and physically.So I had the same thoughts also I can't do this with the kids ect and came up with alot of excuses why I couldn't.Finally got on a doc taper and over 8 weeks finally got down to 2 a day and jumped at that point.I planned it so my last one was on wed night and had the worst of the wds over the weekend and then just toughed it out during the week when hub went back to work.Working is tough with kids and I will be honest I don't do it for the money lol-acouple of weeks ago after paying the sitter I made $1.75! Lmao yup that was it but I need to get out of the house on a regular basis,and it is worth it too me.I work 2 weekday nights ( hub watches the kids) and sunday day ( again he watches them) and also Thursday day and we have a sitter for then.Lets work on getting you clean then we will work on getting you out of house because it can be done.So think about what Vicki asked you and lets go from there and know you are not alone on here :-)  H
Avatar universal
Oh you are so not alone!! Mothers little helper is where it all started for me!!! I only have one lil muchkie but I know the feeling of work, work, work never ending. I stayed home for a bit but did end up back in the work force and for me I think that was helpful althoughit did not stop me from using :( The last 3 years of life life have been a complete blur and there is no way I am missing anymore of my child's life. I went through hell to have her ( 6 miscariages, the last one being twins at 5 months) She is my true miracle baby. I think getting clean for her has helped and being so freakin pissed off at myslef along with those ******* pills and how I could have ever let myself get there! UGH!!! Anyway you definitely sound mad enough. You can do this! I have done it more than once and it's friggin hell. I mean hell! BUT and I mean BUT there is a light at the end..FOR REAL. I am on day 18 and believe my body still feels like I have sone some serious damage BUT again everday is a fraction better than the last...Once you go through the hell the fog SLOWLY starts to lift. There is no fast forward and believe being a drug addict I want  that feel good now! But I have to know that it is going to take time. I just need to keep truding forward and for me there is no relapse anymore..I know it happens BUT I just can't do it anymore the next time would probably be the end for me I am no spring chicken and you know what my lil girl deserves to have her mommy......You can do this! We will do it together! Forever!
1699388 tn?1313840562
thanks girls :)

tapering is not an option for 2 reasons (not excuses).  first off...i have no more pills coming after these last 10.  eventhough my new family doc said he could take over for my pain mgmnt doc once he got my records...he will also see that i just filled 90 perc 7.5's last monday.  so its not like i can call him tomorrow and ask for a refill.  secondly....i tried a couple months back.  husband held them for me and doled out so many per week.  well that was the plan.  my goal was to be sober by sons first bday (may 26).  well i found them everytime.  then one morning he forgot to leave them before he left for work so i was up in arms cuz i couldn't tell him i knew where they were...so we got in a huge fight about it and i took them back.  i do not have the will power to taper.  period.  and he is the only one i have to hold them for me and whether he hides them in the house, his truck, or the lock box....i find them everytime.  and like i said....i'm not asking him for help anymore.  he takes percs as well and its hard to get help from a fellow addict.  although he wont admit to it.  whole other story right there.

so yes, i want to be done.  but frankly, this time i have no choice.  i joined this forum at the beginning of really considering quitiing, so yes i have relapsed and continue to struggle along the way.  i didn't come here because i was already on my way to getting clean...i came here to see how to do it and how to stay there.  and it's taking me this long.  i am so mad right now that i think being pissed off at the withdrawals that are inevitably going to hit by the weekend may actually push me thru.  i know how my mind works and if i am in feeling sorry for myself mode...its impossible.  but since we are fighting, and its an ugly one....and add this to the fire....look out!

i don't know.  i'm screwed anyway you slice it.  i have all the goods as far as supplements and such so i'm ready.  and honestly, i dont even care.  yeah...i say that now.  until i'm having panic attacks, severly aching legs, cold flashes in 90 degree weather, and no sleep.

o.m.g. lord help me.
Avatar universal
You know what?  You can help yourself just fine;that's why you're not hearing from God so much!!   I have an answer for you and I'll warn you: I have a response for just about everything!! If I don't,one of my friends here will! Cleaninitup and Tavia are on the same page and you'll get a ton of support from them. Let me tell you this: I took a lot of pills,every single day,for many,many years. Decades!  I was a child when they were first prescribed for me. I did this and I KNOW you can!!

First,go in to see your doctor. You have to tell him anyway. He'll help you taper,even if you have to go there every day!  Your husband can hold the pills and ONLY leave you with a days worth...not a week!  I would have failed with that set up too!!

You are not screwed! But,you need to change your attitude a little. This is not a negative thing. It's a positive thing!!  You're going to be well!!   Right now you're sick!   You won't die or lose an arm!! Just buck up a little and get it done!!

We'll be here,okay?
1699388 tn?1313840562
i don't have time to write alot now....but it was a daily dole he was doing with the taper.  the plan was to leve 4 a day for a week, 3 the next, and so on.  but i found them everytime anyway.  i'll write more later.  on my way out with a freaking screaming child!  ugh!

thanks vicki :)
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