ok...i'm gonna keep this short and sweet cuz honestly, all our stories pretty much end up with the same results. i tried about 6 weeks to quit and i failed. had the support of all my family, friends, and husband and failed. "detoxed" for a weekend...and ended up back at the doctor for 120 more norcos that i ate in almost 2 weeks. now got a script last monday for 90 percs and have 10 left. so i am outta control more now than ever. but here's the thing, at least in my own mind. it's like i over indulge in them so they will be gone so i can be over this. if that makes any sense? i want to quit so bad and have for months now, but i cant get passed the habit. the axiety is god awful, which i suffer from anyway...i cannot take benzos...they act as an immediate sleeping pill for me and i have a 1 yr old and 5 yr old to take of all day long. a month ago my family doc put me on cymbalta and i was fairly honest in telling him i wanted to try it to try to stop narcotics...and it made me extremely apathetic and then i ended up having a reaction to it. honestly, i am quite against a/d's anyway cuz they are just as bad if not worse to come off of. been there done that with lexapro 4 years ago.
anyway....the hardest thing for me is i am surrounded by pills. my husband, my mother, my father in law...everyone i am close to takes them. husband hides his...i find them everytime if i am out. i know u will all tell me to make sure he knows i'm trying, hide them better...blah, blah....but honestly? this isn't his responsibilty. it's mine. why can't i find the self control to get off, stay off, and not seek them out?
ok now i'm in tears. i went thru boxes of old pictures the other night to see what i looked like without pills. to try to bring back memories of a time in my life when i wasn't taking them. i couldn't find any throughout the last 5 years. since the time my daughter was born. i don't want to be this kind of mother. it's not that i'm stoned all day and can't take care of my kids...i take from 5-8 percs a day right now but thats just to be normal. nooooo buzz...nothing like that. i am a smoker...and it's like i just cant put them "down" like u just become used to smoking when u wake up, after you eat, before bed, etc. i get nothing from it, as a matter of fact i hate it, but i can't stop.
i have prayed so hard and asked god for deliverence and it hasn't come. so then i get mad. i get frustrsated and disappointed that He doesn't even care. which i know isn't true. i grew up in the church all my life. my mom was once a big addict on everything immaginable...went to a revival in the 70's and was delivered of everything. no withdrawal, no cravings, just a miracle. i went to one with her at her church a couple months ago expecting the same thing and got nothing. i know it doesn't happen for everyone, but when i cry out to god why won't he help me? it's so very discouraging. debbie...i know you'll be able to shed some light on this.
so much for short and sweet ;) i really want to go to counseling. i do. i am a stay at home mom and it's so hard for me to find a sitter during the day. i usually take my kids to doc appts with me, but i know i can't with a counseling appt. my husband works very long hours and the last thing he wants to do is watch 2 crazy kids when he gets home from work. i know in a perfect world but needs to be done...and i know u will all take the liberty in telling me also...but keep in mind that everyone's life situations are different. i am ashamed to admit that being a SAHM has made this extremely hard. i would venture to say it's the reason why i can't quit. i read Gnarly...how u lost an awesome job but had to to protect your sobriety. i feel like i need to get outta this damn house and interact with people. but i refuse to let someone else raise my kids. yes....it would be better for them to have a sober mother even it meant me going back to work...but i don't have a career where i could get into a high paying job....so the cost of daycare would offset any income. anyway...thats neither here nor there, as this is something my husband and both discussed before we even got engaged. i would raised our kids, no one else. thats just us. nothing against working moms and daycare. i think its great. i'm just so bored and stressed with the screaming, fighting, diapers, feeding alllll fraking day long that pills have just been "mommy's little helper".
well now i'm pi$$ed. i'm pissed that i play these games with doctors. that instead of cleaning my house right now or working in the garden...i have to sit here and write this book in desperation for support. i am a slave. but i am mad. i am tired of this whole thing but i don't know how to end it. well now i dont have a choice. i have 10 pills left. no appt even set up and requested all my records from the pain mgt doc be sent to my family doc. so that is over. thats where i got them in the first place.
blah, blah, blah....i could go on and on. i read every single post on here everyday....sometimes more than once. so i know all about the recipes, the counseling, the meetings, everything i need to do. i'm just trying to ge there. but i've never been this mad. so hopefully i can do this. when i'm pissed i usually accomplish alot. the adreline gets me going i guess. so maybe this time it'll happen. i hope so. we bought a boat a month ago and feel like if i can just get on the water and ride this thing out under the sunshine and on the open water maybe i can. sounds dumb i know.
please go easy on me as some of you know me from previous posts. hubby and i are fighting big time right now as he is in a stressful place himself right now, so i am very fragile and very angry right now. i just need the support. the "you can do it's" and maybe some similar stories. if i had a job and my kids were in daycare, and i could take a week off work while they are still there and do this...i could. but that's not my life. so if anyone could relate that'd be great. this place has been my solace in trying to fight this and become knowledgeable, so i appreciate that. i really do.