got no one to talk to.. or understand...

[jt808]

well i guess i just wanted to put my story here cause i really have no one to talk to and im not gona lie it feels kinda good to have people understand what im going through and not look at me like im some monster or some piece of **** and get sum sympothy cause it feels good for a change instead of hearing what an idiot or loser i am or have become, but here u people have all been there in one way or another or at least no sumone who has ,and i no this was on a post already but if u wana get it off ur chest and tell people ur story(because sometimes it just feels beter after u tell it get it off ur chest and people reply and make u feel like ur not alone) cause here is my story of why i finally came clean and working on staying clean.......

                      MY ROCK BOTTOM.......
Im there rite now ive been clean so far going on 2 weeks and 1 day .Well where do i start....Hmmm ok well im 25 yrs old and i  recently bought a condo not even a full year ago. And im so far into debt with the bank, to loan people every credit card all my friends close and far and everyone in between who would lend me money, See i was eating 30-40 norcos(10/325) a day(every single day)or basically what ever the dealer had. .I work nites so i never slept that was in a 24hr period id say on average i ate 28-32 of em a day(sometimes more depends on money situation) and that was for 5-6 years i wasnt able to get a dr. to write me enuf to last so i had many street dealers as many as 12 at one point so u no what they charge u per pill so imagine 30ish a day everyday for couple years. well it was ALOT of money and debt and cheating robbing and stealing to do whatever i could to get em, and i was doing this all secertily no one knew not my girlfriend who we were geting engaged we already booked a place in the fla  to get married it was a destination wedding we booked it up had guest list done and the works we were together on and off for bout 7 years, also my mom and dad had no idea my brother and all my family and friend all had no idea that i was an addict of almost 6 years of doing alot of pills. i told everyone that the reason i never had money was that i was in debt for gambling i figured well id rather people think that i gambled away all my money than no i popped pills all day everyday so they belived it. i tried quiting so many times half hartedly tho. I always kinda knew in the back of my head that i was gona go back to em, and i did. but this last time sum 2 weeks ago i just felt like wow im going to lose my condo that i just bought to forclouseur i cant even afford to put gas in my car let alone eat or pay for my habit my loans were pilling up and debt was eating away at me.none of my friends would answer my phone calls cause they knew i was gona ask them for money and i was. i knew that if i told my girlfriend that she would probably leave me cause in the begagning of our relationship i was addicted to cocaine for a few years when i was in high school and college i beat that but promised her to never do any of that **** again. so i was very unsure how she was gona take it.but i had to stop this  so i waited till she got home from work and i told her everything, and than told my family everything it was hard to see what this did to them especially not having any idea that i ever was even taking drugs so to come out and tell em it has been for 6 yrs and that the amount i was taking they didnt understand and i didnt expect em to understand. so  needless to say my girlfriend packed up and left me when i needed her most that really hurt i no that she said she couldnt trust me and i see that but if u ask me i dont think u abondon the person u love when the road gets bumpy u stick it out and forgive that person if they truly are trying to get beter which i am and have been for two wks. at least  my family was very good bout it. but just the way they look at me now like im sum piece of **** theyd never say that but i can see it and that really suxs thinking that they think of me like that. so im going to loose my condo that i havent even had for a full year yet (the only reason i bought the condo  was for her so she could move back from where she was living outa stateand move in and we could live together) i lost my fiancee i just recently had her ring finished and was going to give it to her next weekend it woulda been..(the plan was to go to the shed aquarium and in the big tank have the scuba diver in the huge aquarium when we were lookin at fish have him hold up a underwater sigh asken her to marry me and when she looked over to me get on a knee and have ring out, but thats not gona happan) im in more debt than i can count to more people than i can count and all by myself now. and when i say debt i dont just mean the average crdit card for couple thousand i mean id say just off the top of my head between credit cards loan sharks people ive borrowed or stealed from it roughly up to 45-50 grand not including i have a decent paying job and literally not a penny to show for it, my accounts live in the red (negative) .and  not a person that knows what im going thru or to talk to bout this or what ive done or just the every day streess that goes along with us just being us ya no. well anyway  so i went to my dr got on sub 2wks ago and just taking it a lil at a time but that was my final rock bottom i hope... i just wish that the person i loved most wouldnt of bailed on me when i needed her most,than mayb this would just be a lil bit easier with her by my side.. but i guess i deserved it what i put her through and all even though now that im done i told her u can finally have the real me the happy me not searching for the next high me, needless to say she didnt belive me she said she heard that b4. well i got what was coming to me i guess. i dont no. well im sure there are alot worse stories but this was enuf for me to stop...... sorry so long im sure im missing a ton of stuff but this is the basis of it and i appreciate a place where i can write my feeling cause i really cant talk about em so this is a great way for me to get what i got off my chest thanks for listening and ill be here if u wana tell me ur story ill be a 0pen ear for anyone that needs it like i needed to tell mine. thanks again for this forum... or id be even lonier than i am now....

[melst]

  Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. As newmangagement said, you are helping people by telling us. When I read your story last night I was going into my first night with no pills in 9 months and reading the story of your life really helped me to have a firmer resolve to do it. I really believe that you can do it and I hope you feel that you are not really alone. We might all be in different places and may have never physically met, but we're all in this together.
   It's so very sad that your fiance couldn't cope with the situation that you are in. I believe that she will one day regret that she chose to turn away from you at the wrong time, because you sound like a sensitive, loving, valuable, worthwhile and sincere person, and when you're better, (which you most certainly and definately will be), she will see that person shining through.
  Maybe, once you have beaten the addiction, (and I truly believe that you will), you and your fiance will reunite?
Or, perhaps you might have the realisation that she wasn't the one for you. It's very hard to get off drugs, but even harder when the one you love can't deal with it. That would be too much for me.
Thanks again, you are such an inspiration, as are all of the people on here who have chosen to make life better. May God bless you all.

[cheryl12]

Hi Jt. Good job on getting clean. Stick with it. I am the wife of a user who kept secrets from me for a long time. When I learned of the addiction, I felt like I was living with a stranger and had been living with a stranger for many years. Drug addiction hurts the ones you love too. Don't feel like your fiance doesn't love you. But love her for knowing she was not strong enough to be what she would need to be for you if she stayed. There is a breaking point for everyone, not just you. You will recover from both the addiction and losing your fiance. There are alot of people here to help. Lean on your family. Make amends to the people you have hurt. Tell them your sorry and don't expect them to forgive you, but be grateful if they do. Good luck!

[persnick38]

I can relate. My story isn't exactly the same but basically over the past three years my addiction completely changed my personality. I used to be the responsible one - paid all bills on time, house always meticulously clean, best at my job. Then, it all started sliding. My debt is about the same as yours. Scary, huh? House is a disaster all the time. I came close to losing my job.

The good news is that it can all get better. You have to be patient though and take it one day at a time and one problem at a time. If you try to conquer everything at once, it gets overwhelming.

You can do this and you will have lots of support here from everyone. Just make sure you reach out and ask for help and support when you need it. There is no reason to go through this alone. Please take care of yourself.

[gottastop44]

AMEN wildwoodone,
At 44 I am just now realizing that, I think part of addiction is caused by low self esteem and I have suffered from that all my life and really don't know why. Anyway I am down to 1 hydro left and I hope I can do this!!!!!!! I have to!!
  jt808, hang in there I know there is a better life out there:)

[wildwoodone]

Until you learn to love yourself you can't really love someone else.  Get clean time behind you and then you can work to build that trust and love again.  Walk into an NA meeting and you will find a room full of people just like you.  Same as here.  You are soooo not alone.  Any questions or help or just a place to vent, we are here for you.  Keep the chin up and things will get better!!

[snowflake620]

good job ! you have taken the right steps like everyone here can tell ya life around pills can be a very hard thing but if you want to get clean then you will as for the girlfriend maybe in time she will see that you did a good thing by fessinup and she will understand but in the mean time dont be so hard on yourself your not the only one out there that has a problem but you are one of the ones that is seeking to fix that problem and that says alot as for money problems look around you everyone is having money problems due to the economy evenpeople who dont do drugs!! that should make you feel a little betterl stay strong we are here if ya need us lol

[newmanagment]

Thank God that ya dint marry that woman bro. I know ya love her, but marriage is about "till death you do part", not "this sux i want a divorce. if she ain gonna b by your side thru this, then she prolly wont be by your side if you get married and times get rough, feel me?
N trust me, I have spent over 25000 grand on cocaine in less then six months, so I know all about the debt thing. so getcha **** together and file bankrupt, it may hurtcha for a bit, but youll recoup in the long run. fact is , you have beat cocaine, you can conquer this one too!! and please quit whoopin your own *** bout this, there will be enough people to do that for ya. realize your a good person, and that wut others think  of you can be changed by being the person you wanna be.
once you get clean, and stay clean, all else will follow. relationships, family, money, all that will come in line once your clean. im a 25 year cocaine addict, i think you said you are 25, thas how long i been smokin coke. I have quit numerous times, but this time even my family can see the difference. I have earned back not love, but respect. respect from my mother, my wife, even my contractors i deal with. You will do the same, the money and all that will be ok, quit sweatin all that. right now , deal with the pill problem, and keep ya chin up. addiction will cheap shotcha, but ya gotta push thru n keep focused on the end goal, which is being the person ya really wanna be.
thanx for posting, you will find that when you do get clean, post like this will help you to stay clean! helping others in our situation in turns helps us, if tha makes ne sense LOL. its true tho, and you being here helps me!! so i don think your a piece of ****, or a monster.... just another lost soul lookin to be found. we be here for you bro, just remember.... fun is fun, n done is done!!! much love

[worried878]

life will come running behind u when ur life is ready to be lived..u r on the right track..always feel good to post here and be honest...honesty is appreciated her.e.and we care about what happens to u

[dominosarah]

You wont be alone here.  Im sorry you have lost so much and it is the reality of addiction.  The stories are the same(to a degree) its just the names are different.  Most of us have lost alot in our lives due to our addictions.  Noone will look down on you here and you arent a piece of sh**.  You are doing something about it now and that is what matters. Keep posting your thoughts as it really does help.          sara