here we go again

[sofmg]

I SO NEED HELP!!!!!!

     I have been up and down this road it seems my whole life. I get on Lortab and then I run out stay clean for a few months and then go back on it. I HATE MYSELF!!!!!! I am an active 50 year old wife and mother who is so ashamed of herself but I do know I have a disease that is killing my body and my mind. My life has been up and down this year. My husband of 28 years has cancer and is doing well at this time, I AM THE PROBLEM!!!! Noone in my family knows this and I am a worship leader in my church and I am so sad inside!!!!! I just started a new job and I need help I ran out today and I am not calling the doctor because I will just start up again!!!!  I have come on and off for years I know what to expect the chills, hot flashes etc.  Why do I do this????? I was clean for 3 months and then called in for a refill and I felt great when I called the doctor.  I SO HATE MYSELF!!!!!  Is there anyone out there like me????? I must lead our church tomorrow and I feel so fatiqued!!!!! It will only get worse in the next few days and at 50 I have a new job.  I did not work while my son was young and he is in high school now and I took a job because my husband is so sick. I need to know there are women out there like me. PLEASE HELP ME


                                                   SOFMG

[sofmg]

I just love hearing from you , I am so prpud of both of us!!!!! I know exactly what you mean about not wasting the high I used to do the EXACT same thing. I know what you mean by the ODD feeling to I feel that way alot. Doing things straight is easier sometimes but I so miss the morning high. SO SAD!!!! I probably won"t be back on until Sunday so don't worry work until 5 then I am worship leader in my church so I have practice tomorrow night and then Sunday church. I feel so pressured right now because I have no high feelings. I guess this is what being normal is, I am so grateful not to have the leg tingling


                       SOFMG

[wendy111]

so glad to see you are ok i was worried.
I am on day 20 and find the start of the day I want to use so bad but the funny thing is as the day goes on I do things straight and it amazes me that I can do it.  

I find it hard to say I made it through some rough situations better straight than I would of if I was high.  I do so miss that great feeling of being high so much.

keep writing in my journal and find I need to do this twice a day because my days start so bad and am able to make it straight and wonder why the start was bad.

went to the store today and felt odd like I was different odd but maybe that is what it must feels like to be normal on no pills.  so many times I would not go out high cause I did not want waste the high  at the store so I stayed home. wow i am starting to feel normal

We are going to make it and what is helping me is to try to do things if only I had a job.

do not work to hard tomorrow and try to have a geat day off on sunday and keep fighting this monster.

wendy

[sofmg]

I am still hanging in there. I have not even turned my computer on I have been working from 9-5 for the last 4 days, I usually only work 3 days a week, but I am working for someone while they are on vacation. This is the hardest thing I have ever done also. I am not used to working back to back days like this I have to work tomorrow(SAT) also. I think working this week really helped me, the only thing is my feelings kept getting hurt over stupid things. I would go in the bathroom pull myself together and come back out. I am almost 2 weeks but I miss the pills so bad in the morning, I almost don't want to get up because at this point I can't imagine living without them. I know what you mean about the bath"s I take a steaming hot shower before work, then a hot bath when I get home, then another one before bed, but I still don't sleep well. How are you? You will make it because you really want it like me, we both need to do this. I just refuse to be mad at myself anymore because I know it is a disease. I just pray I stay this way, I have had months of not taking opiates but all of a sudden I will start back, All the while just thinking I can take one and then I am right back on them again. I am glad you are doing a journal does it help? How are you doing with your kids? My son is a teenager and he is gone alot. It is still a constant effort to stay positive but I must. One thing you may try it worked for me on my day's off was walking outside. I did not want to do it but once I did I felt better. I can't begin to tell you how bad I feel in the morning, I think it is just dreading the day without pills. We CAN DO THIS. Write back and tell me how you are, I really want us to make it!!!

                            SOFMG

[wendy111]

glad the nights feel better.  I am day 18 what are you on 12???

The mornings are the toughest so wanting to use so trying to figure out a way to take a few and still say I am clean.  Once I get out I do function (wish I had a job)  yesterday wrote in my journal day 17 in am is awful the end of the day I wrote the best day in 17 days of being stratigt

It seems to be the same for you and maybe for everyone else?

Does the uges ever get better I know the answers but just want to feel that feeling that the urge is less and the urge will go away.

the tough part it is just 20 minutes away my best friend the pills are at and I can get them.

THIS IS THE HARDEST THING I HAVE DONE

will keep in touch

wendy

[sofmg]

It is funny how much better I feel at night when I wrote my last post. I am so tired this morning because I always feel as if I have been hit by a train in the morning. I miss the pills terribly I feel as though my life will never be back. I looked so forward to my fake energy every day. Anyway off to work but I really feel BAD today. I no longer shake but the fatique is the PITS!!!!! I don't remember who said it but I feel like I lost my best friend. I know I am on the right path but I really do feel HORRIBLE. I keep reminding myself of all I have to be grateful for and to keep telling myself for years I abused my body it will take time to restore itself. I wish everyone who like me is struggling everyday not to use opiates good luck today and I will be back on later, I thank you all

                 SOFMG

[sofmg]

Just wanted to say a quick thank you to all who respond to me. I know I could not do this without of of your help!!!! I appreciate all of the things you say to me, I feel like so many of us are in the same boat. This addiction has taken over my life and I want myself back. I took my dog for a walk and that in itself was good for me. I made dinner, cleaned up and I am going to take a hot bath, I believe that the baths are the best thing for me. I am not pushing myself to the point of overwhelming myself I am not going to set myself up to fail this time. Lindsay I loved what you said about doing all the "first" things without drugs. It is still hard for me to not have my pills in the morning. Everything is different without pills, I just pray for the day I no longer crave them, I am grateful for just having a week clean. I am going to sign off now and take a bath I am reading a good book by Joyce Meyer because I don"t sleep well yet. I got 3 hours last night still sweat through the PJ:s but I am not taking Lortab and that is a success!!!!! Thank you all and I will check in tomorrow, so grateful for this site, feel I am not alone anymore

                               SOFMG

[Lindsay_T]

Stay strong everyone. I couldn't have believed I'd make it through the Days 5-10, much less 10 - 15 and so on. And yet here I am day 69! For me Day 50 was a real turning point. The cravings decreased. And I had a few FIRSTs under my belt.
My first "Back to School" nite, with out pills. My first "bbq at the wino neighbor house" without pills, my first family bday party... and so on.
Of course there were fights, and tears and lots of fatigue and lots and lots of mental struggles.
The biggest thing I can tell you is to go easy on yourself as far as housework and being perfect goes. We aren't robots. There is a reason you are tired. So try as hard as you can to let things go for a while. Clear the social calender, cut out extras and don't worry if you forget a birthday here and there or have a litter box full of cat doo doo.
Your body will start healing more and more each day. You will start to produce your own endorphins. The natural ones will make you stronger, more beautiful and definitely more peaceful than any pill in the world. Keep writing and keep being awesome!
hugs, Lindsay

[teira39]

listen girl.... im also in a church and feel hoorrible when i go there but the only way i can go is not be sick!! this disease is cunning and rem... it is the devil and u r under attack!! im in ur shoes trust me ...dont ever hate urself... hate the addiction, im sure ur a beautiful person that made bad mistakes,, i only have 3 days clean and ready to chew my own leg off lol ..its a awful lonley place and the devil wants u that way and me too. ive tried for 4 yrs to beat this and its beating my *** big time!! the pain and disgust u feel is because its not who u really are
! i dont judge no one,,, only try to help and i need it big time my self... hopefully gods angels wil continue to catch me cause i know its not me ...  god bless

[wendy111]

your last post sofmg says it all. as a matter of fact every post says what I feel and think.

How can so many of us be the same,  Until I came here never thought I was an addict or that anybody else was like me.  I am not good at long post so your posts says 99% of what I want to say.

Just that I know this past year and half I have been hiding from the real world and am trying to deal with it again.  I too started young using at 15 and I am 55 now. It has been quite a roller coaster ride. Two wonderful married children and two grandkids, a great husband.  All of which i cannot tell,  I will try at some point hard enough to say I am and addict to myself nevermind the ones I am getting straight for.

Glad you are feeling better and i too am going out to do something outside and stop dwelling on this monster for a while, but thankful for having all of you to help
wendy

[Danny111]

One thing I learned when I quit drinking 20 years ago was that sobriety doesn't solve your problems but it allows you to see them and then begin dealing with them.  With drugs and alcohol you ignore them and they don't go away.

[Danny111]

Going to an AA meeting is definitely the right move and a real indication that you're committed to getting clean and staying there.  It's scary going to your first meetings but you'll find that it's 100% worth it.  

[Kdm5]

It is ok to hate your disease, but please do not hate yourself.
Love yourself and your family enough to get better and ask for help!

[sofmg]

I to know what you mean I have a very avtive life, lovely home great child and good husband , I certainly don"t look like an addict but I am and I feel great support here. But I now know I have one week clean and now I have to face why I used in the first place. My whole life by looking on the outside of me it seems like I have it all, but the truth is my insides don"t match my outside. I started at 18 taking pills because I never felt good enough about myself. Now at 50 I see the picture of what I did with my life just masked problems with opiates. The opiates always gave me what I was missing now I have to face these demons day by day and deal with them. I am still dealing with the withdrawls but I am forcing myself outside as much as I can, I took a nice walk last night and I have to say as much as I kept putting it off it really worked so I am going to do that again. I no longer hate myself because I am suffering from the disease of addication. What is sad is I feel I have lived a double life most of my adult life but I really want to be set free with no more plans around how many pills I have. I can't begin to tell you the prison that is. I know this is going to be a long road I have done this for 30 years, a few years clean here and there. I am just like all the new people here legs are still tingling and NO SLEEP!!!! I am also extremely hungry all the time. I am going to an AA meeting tonight because I can"t do this by myself my past shows that, my husband still does not know I am sure in time I will tell him but I promise you he thinks it is all about willpower not a disease. Mike I used the restful legs at work and I believe it helps. How did all of you deal with looking at yourselves once you were off opiates? I thought I looked good, was a great wife and mom on opiates I thought everything was just fine. Now I realize I was just numb and I was covering up ALL my feelings. I know have to face my husband's cancer he has to be checked every 3 months, he had an agressive cancer, the pills numbed all that. I know i have to face I was not that great person I thought I was. The one thing I know for sure is I really want this so off I go for my walk, then a hot bath, make dinner and I pray I feel better tomorrow because I work the rest of the week. Pariahs I know exactly how you feel, let me know how you are and I love everyone who has been helping me

                                        SOGMG

[shadow740]

First of all...you are not worse than the diabetic that sneaks cupcakes, or the heart patient who smokes or eats bacon.  You have an addiction.  You didn't commit mass genocide, you didn't rape anyone.  Forgive yourself or you won't be able to quit.

Take it one day at a time and always remember you are a good person with a disease--whether you believe you got yourself into trouble or not.  Jesus was not about blaming people for circumstances at all.  He was very cool, nonjudgmental, and forgiving.

Be like Jesus.

Now, be smart and go see a doctor.  All of the drugs you are taking to combat the addiction WD may be working against you.  Drug cocktails can screw up your liver.  Find a doctor who deals with drug addiction so they can do the right tests on you.

You can do it, sweets.

[Mike_B_]

I know the feeling.  I have been trying to taper some and even at that it's a struggle.  I take 10/500 4 a day of hydros.  And you know as soon as you start to taper you think how can just little taper cause me to start to feel like I am hurting more than usual.  I guess it's because I have been taking the same amount for so long.  This is more than I took when I first started taking it, but I guess I'm lucky that I can hold it to that amount.

But, then again I have been taking it for many years this way, and I am not going to be able to stop overnight.  I tried the benadryl  but it seemed to make me hyper rather than calm me down.  I guess everyone is different.  There are times when I think why not do one of those 10 day detox program and just get it out of my system, but I would have a hard time missing that much work, and what do you do about the pain that your taking them for anyway.  Good luck to you.

[PariahsEmpathy]

Dear Terry,

I understand, completely!  It has been an eight year journey for me, and never once had I thought of myself as an addict.  

I mean, how could I be?  I am a mother to four children who are very active in sports and their schools.  I have a lovely home, I have everything that I need, and want, I am married to a man who has an incredible job, and supports his family.  That is not a picture of an addict...or is it?  Of course it is!  We do not come in just one color, shape, size, gender, or from only one economic state.  

It has been one week since I have been able to call myself an addict.  The next thing to overcome, aside from the WD will be to learn how to be honest, with myself, my husband, and all of those who need to know my story.

How are you doing today?  What is your goal today?

Keep well, and do keep in touch.

MIKE B. The Hyland's Restful Legs I purchased today from the market.  I took some once I got home, and it eased some of what I was feeling.  I will continue to take them.  I have yet to take anything for sleep.  Tonight I think I will try taking two Benadryls.  I have in the past tried several different herbal supplements, none of which have worked for me.  I am hoping to get a good night sleep tonight.  Sleep is one of the most important things for me, when recovering from anything.

[Mike_B_]

I read your post.  Looks like its been about 9 days since you started.  How are you feeling?  I know some of us struggle so much with this and others can get right through it.  I was sick with cancer when I was in my early 20s and have had to use pain killers off and on for 30 years.  Doctors I go to tell me there is nothing they can do to help me.  I just suffer with the pain but I hate taking these dang pills.  I keep my dose at just what I am prescribed but even at that you know when it get close to refill time I'm counting just to make sure I am not going to come up short.  I can cut back if I have to so I don't run out but its a terrible way to live.  

A couple of questions for you.  Did the hyland restless legs help, and did you try any sleep aids?  The not sleeping and the restless legs are the worse for me.  My prayers are with you.  Lord give Terry the strength to make it though this trial and to give you the glory.

[sofmg]

My God we have so much in common, My mother was an addict and she also tried to commit suicide but her attempt failed she was in the hospital for one week after the attempt and she was so depressed because she lived after the attempt. She died a year later from a stroke but I saw her battle it all her life to, I swore I would not be like that but I am, I so loved her. I lost my dad 5 years ago and that left me alone, which is hard to bear in itself. I have been married for 28 years to a great man but I can't tell him now. He has battled cancer this year and he has so much on his plate I work but he is the pricipal money maker. I have tried to quit Lortab so many times I lost count but I am so tired of this life and the secrets I keep. I am so sorry for your parents . Please feel free to message me so we can help each other. I do love this site I believe it has been the most amazing way to connect with people like myself

                                               I am rooting for us both!!!!

                                                                                        Terry

[PariahsEmpathy]

I happened upon your posts, and could not stop reading.

I came to this site myself just last week.

I too, want to be free!  

I have gone from 400mg (give or take) OC to just 80 mg OC per day.  I meant to tapper, but I made this insane jump.  My last day of full use was Friday.  On Saturday, I went down to 80 mg.

Today is Monday, and I have had only 40mg.

My legs ache the most. I will be getting the Hylands Restless Leg Med. here tonight.  I did have some issues with sleep last night.  And I went hot/cold quicker than I could keep up with the blanket being put on and pulled off.  

This is my fourth attempt to kick OC!  I want it for me!!!! I really do!

This site is amazing.  I have met several wonderful people, and have boned with one person in particular.

I too am keeping a secret.  I have a husband of 18 years.  He does not know of my addiction.  I can not tell him now, for I fear loosing him.  In the past year I lost both my mum and dad (to death)  My mum was an addict herself, who committed suicide last May, and my father being in the end stages of life at that point, died this past July.  

Keep well, I am rooting for you!!!!

One-Love,
Kim

[sofmg]

Thanks for responding to me I am struggling and you both help me alot. I am taking vitamins and pushing myself alot, but it is small steps I feel so drained not bad enough to where I need a dr. I know it is the body without the opiates. I used off and on for many years. I liked what Lindsay said about looking better because I don't look as good as I could the narcotics make the whites of my eyes look dull, the only good thing so far is they do look brighter. But the truth is this is harder this time around than I thought, don:t sleep well etc. but I want this for me this time. I want a life of no secrets anymore, I just can't tell my husband yet because he is fighting his owm battle of cancer and I feel it is not the right time, I think he would blame himself for all the added stress the cancer has put on me, but we know the truth I was using way before the cancer. I believe in time I will tell him but I agree we are as sick as our secrets. Right now please keep posting to me I need friends now I WANT THIS

[Storme]

Hi hon,how are you holding up? Look how far you have come already!! I know you are fatigued but it does get better. Are you taking a multi-vitamin? I know for me it helped a great deal. Also, just getting a little fresh air worked wonders as well. You can do this! I do agree with telling your husband. it must feel like a huge weight on your shoulders and I know you worry about stressing him while he is fighting cancer but he deserves to know the truth and you deserve to be free from this burden.

Keep up the fight hon

[Lindsay_T]

Hi sofmg,
Wendy is right, you have to stay the course. It will get better. The fatigue is horrible, but as Churchill said, "If you are going through Hell, keep going."
Wanna know something even better than getting over the fatigue? You will look better physically. I know you look great now, but just wait. Can you see it already? Your skin? Your facial expressions??? You can do this.
Oh and you may want to consider telling your husband. That way you could use the computer whenever you want. Tell him the truth! Not only are you getting clean - you are helping others on this website. We all draw strength from each other. HE uses the weak to lead the strong. Stay strong in your journey but weak in your ability to go it alone... Lindsay

[wendy111]

you will get stronger and feel better just hang in there

wendy

[sofmg]

I am still here and struggling with staying clean. Some days are better than others, however I am SO TIRED all the time, that is the worst for me, I thank God for this website as soon as everyone in my family is gone I run in here. If anyone can offer some advice for the EXTREME FATIQUE I would appreciate it. I feel like crying but I am going to do this!!!! Any comments would be great I need some support!!!!

SOFMG