Aa
how do we fix our familys after addiction
HI everyone this week my wife Kat AND I where invited to an all expense paid 4 day trip up to a family camp out in the mountains as a few of you know Kat and I recently had our bipolar meds changed and went threw around 3 horrific weeks of withdrawals from the meds we where on and really needed a break from it all and camping up in the mountains in rustic cabins seamed like just the ticket to get away from it all for a wile and ketch up on some well needed R/R ....witch we got there... there where about 120 people with 54 of them being kids all and all it went smoothly and all had a great time what I wasent expecting was our senior pastor ....a guy like your grandfather was going to teach on how to raise a successful family.....I was in for a rude awaking......as a highly functional addict I always provided for my wife and 5 kids ....I tryed to take time out for each we camped we fished we hunted restored cars and motorcycles and all and all I felt I did a pritty good job as a dad.....little did I know just how much I left out because I was an addict....one of the first points Bill bout up was in order for your kids to feel loved by you they have to trust you this goes for other members of the family also wife's, husbands, brothers, sisters, ext
as much as I did right I failed on a simple principle of this trust factor .....I always felt I good relationship with my kids after all I was one of them there best friend so to speak but not a father in the eyes of what God says a father is.....kids need the guidance of a mom and dad mine had nether emotionally Kat was laying in bed for about 5yrs debilitated with bipolar she got up to eat and go to the restroom other then that she lived in a dark bedroom without hope....I on the otherhand was a workaholic alcoholic and narcotic addict I felt I did my part by making lots of money throwing it at the family and doing the best I could raising the kids for all intent and purpose alone most of my time off I was high on the pills on my days off my evenings where spent at a pool hall getting high and drunk after all I eared it working 60 hr a week so the kids teens at the time where left to raise themselfs and I was there to put out the fires keep the partys to a low roar and again be more like a friend then a father .....this last week I herd 2nd hand that my oldest son is getting a divorce from my daughter.....I was so hurt why dident he come to me why did he hid it from me?? could it be trust..???...well after 3 days of teaching how to do it right I went to Bill and said ''BILL I have done everything wrong I blew it I want what I see among so many of the tight nit family's in our church and basically told him I failed in all aspects of doing it right......expecting a lecture I prepared for the worst......instead bill put his hand on my shoulder and said ''Mark its never to lat to reconcile with your kids'' my eyes filled with tears I dident know what to say I told him I had all ready been to each of them asked there forgiveness but it just dident seam like it was enough we dident have that deeply rooted bond I seen in a few of the family's in our church....Bill then said ''Mark you need to go up to each of your children alone and ask them how your addiction effected them personally ''' and listen carefully to the answers...he then said to ask them to forgive you of those specific things and then ask them ''what is it going to take to earn your trust back'' because without trust they cant feel the depth of your love....today I look at my kids and am amassed at how well they turned out I do have a close relationship with 3 of the 5 I guess I hurt the other 2 to much to have that bond but God spoke thew bill....'''its never to late if your willing to humble yourself and go the extra mile to fix what you have broke....I plan on meeting with Bill a few more times B/4 I approach my Kids....Kat and I both have planed dinners alone with each of them and are going to do what Bill said to do I hope to learn more from bill and will share it with all of you as I do I will also share with you how this goes with the kids ....ALL im looking for out of this is that my kids will be able to feel how deeply I love and how precious each of them are to Kat and I ......I truly hope I can right the wrongs active addiction caused my kids as they grew up and we can earn there trust back once again.....this really needs to be talked about more then just here in a paragraph first we rebuild ourselfs then we reconcile with our family's over the next few weeks I will try and teach you more about this critical aspect of recovery your friend and fellow addict Mark
as much as I did right I failed on a simple principle of this trust factor .....I always felt I good relationship with my kids after all I was one of them there best friend so to speak but not a father in the eyes of what God says a father is.....kids need the guidance of a mom and dad mine had nether emotionally Kat was laying in bed for about 5yrs debilitated with bipolar she got up to eat and go to the restroom other then that she lived in a dark bedroom without hope....I on the otherhand was a workaholic alcoholic and narcotic addict I felt I did my part by making lots of money throwing it at the family and doing the best I could raising the kids for all intent and purpose alone most of my time off I was high on the pills on my days off my evenings where spent at a pool hall getting high and drunk after all I eared it working 60 hr a week so the kids teens at the time where left to raise themselfs and I was there to put out the fires keep the partys to a low roar and again be more like a friend then a father .....this last week I herd 2nd hand that my oldest son is getting a divorce from my daughter.....I was so hurt why dident he come to me why did he hid it from me?? could it be trust..???...well after 3 days of teaching how to do it right I went to Bill and said ''BILL I have done everything wrong I blew it I want what I see among so many of the tight nit family's in our church and basically told him I failed in all aspects of doing it right......expecting a lecture I prepared for the worst......instead bill put his hand on my shoulder and said ''Mark its never to lat to reconcile with your kids'' my eyes filled with tears I dident know what to say I told him I had all ready been to each of them asked there forgiveness but it just dident seam like it was enough we dident have that deeply rooted bond I seen in a few of the family's in our church....Bill then said ''Mark you need to go up to each of your children alone and ask them how your addiction effected them personally ''' and listen carefully to the answers...he then said to ask them to forgive you of those specific things and then ask them ''what is it going to take to earn your trust back'' because without trust they cant feel the depth of your love....today I look at my kids and am amassed at how well they turned out I do have a close relationship with 3 of the 5 I guess I hurt the other 2 to much to have that bond but God spoke thew bill....'''its never to late if your willing to humble yourself and go the extra mile to fix what you have broke....I plan on meeting with Bill a few more times B/4 I approach my Kids....Kat and I both have planed dinners alone with each of them and are going to do what Bill said to do I hope to learn more from bill and will share it with all of you as I do I will also share with you how this goes with the kids ....ALL im looking for out of this is that my kids will be able to feel how deeply I love and how precious each of them are to Kat and I ......I truly hope I can right the wrongs active addiction caused my kids as they grew up and we can earn there trust back once again.....this really needs to be talked about more then just here in a paragraph first we rebuild ourselfs then we reconcile with our family's over the next few weeks I will try and teach you more about this critical aspect of recovery your friend and fellow addict Mark
COMMUNITY LEADER
It was meant for anyone!! I just remember getting angry and so defensive. It was okay for me to feel the way i did, just not anyone else! When i was able to really hear what she was saying things started to move forward. I always wanted to go around the issues instead of facing them head on.
dont know if your comment was meant for me but it helped me see some of what I may be doing wrong...I too tend to get angry at times maybe ive been trying so hard to get her not to feel the way she does, instead of letting her and also letting her know its ok...thankyou
COMMUNITY LEADER
When you do talk to your kids make sure to let them know their feelings are justified. I have found this to be very helpful in my own situation. I would get very angry with my daughter or so i thought. I was actually angry with myself for causing her all the pain. Until i finally figured out it was okay for her to feel the way she did then real healing started. There is forgiveness on the other side of their pain but the trust takes along time. I am not sure she trusts me yet but that is okay, she may never and that is okay too. As i have said before our actions speak louder than words.
Hey there...Great post!!! I cant tell you how much time ive spent thinking about how much addiction hurt my children throughout my detox. I came from a home full of addiction and know just how painful and long lasting the effects can be. My father and I havnt spoke in years hes never been to either of my daughters bdays ect.maybe one day some healing will happen there.... I too felt I was a "good parent" provided the best I could...now I realize that it wasnt my best not even close. What you said about the trust wow lightbulb... my children are young 2 and 7 and while I dont think my 2 year old has been effected my 7 yr old was around during my "chasing days" I broke alot of promises to her, let her stay with her grandparents way more than I should have...I sometimes feel shes closer or trusts them more than me and why shouldnt she. Shes a great kid makes good grades funny ect..but dont feel as much of a bond with her that I think I should. I realize that its going to take some work show her that she can trust me, keep my promises and always be there for her....I know I want to break the "cycle" not just for me but for them hope that god lends some forgiveness and heals both our familys.....thanks again mark!!
HI Debbie......well this subject tugged on my heart strings also the weekend was light there where 3 1 hr teachings one each morning .....I was so surprised at how many people reacted both addict and dysfunctional family's alike .....I had thought I had delt with all this yrs ago but the things Bill brought up where so profound....its like I love my kids with all my heart always have but both Mat and Rach have always kept there private lives to themself even during crises our family has always had the ability to pull together to help each other out but the 2 of them keep things in... things that they should feel comfortable sharing with there dad it hurts me so....when Bill said your children cant receive your love until they trust you completey trust you God sorta lit up the light bulb above my head that thats probably whats going on with the 2 of them .....so much of the burden of running the house and watching out for there siblings fell on them that they have closed there hearts off to receive the depth of love both Kat and I have for them
im really hoping for a break threw ....this is one subject we have never discuss in the forum b/4 yet it is so critical to the family dynamic....addiction effects the whole dynamic of the family and your sorta left there broken with all the pieces left to put back together .....im so sorry to here your daughter is using again I will keep your family in my prayers I know exactly how that feels we went threw it with our Sara for many yrs but God has restored her and she has been clean going on 7yrs now try not to get discouraged by the circumstances but rather give glory to the the one that can set them free......I dont know how Kat kept her faith so strong threw it with Sara but she did and I truly believe it played a pivotal roll in her getting healed ......remember everything in God time .....I wish you all the best with your consoling im sure God will heal your family as he has done mine he's just not threw with mine yet anyway if you need to talk im always out here for you I love you as a sister in the Lord and you being on this forum blesses me more then I could ever express in words may God bless your whole family abundantly Debbie your friend and brother in the Lord Mark
im really hoping for a break threw ....this is one subject we have never discuss in the forum b/4 yet it is so critical to the family dynamic....addiction effects the whole dynamic of the family and your sorta left there broken with all the pieces left to put back together .....im so sorry to here your daughter is using again I will keep your family in my prayers I know exactly how that feels we went threw it with our Sara for many yrs but God has restored her and she has been clean going on 7yrs now try not to get discouraged by the circumstances but rather give glory to the the one that can set them free......I dont know how Kat kept her faith so strong threw it with Sara but she did and I truly believe it played a pivotal roll in her getting healed ......remember everything in God time .....I wish you all the best with your consoling im sure God will heal your family as he has done mine he's just not threw with mine yet anyway if you need to talk im always out here for you I love you as a sister in the Lord and you being on this forum blesses me more then I could ever express in words may God bless your whole family abundantly Debbie your friend and brother in the Lord Mark
This is beautiful in a very sad way. Your pastor is right in that it's never too late to make amends with your kids. My uncle was a terrible alcoholic. He could be funny and give out money to us or he could be rude and vulgar and abusive. Growing up, when I'd see his truck in front of the house, my stomach would clench. As kids, I was really close to his two kids. But his addiction was so out of control, his wife threw him out. Can't blame her. It caused a rift between the families, and I lost touch with my cousins (especially my girl cousin that was a year younger than I.)
Over the years my uncle would disappear for months at a time. My mother would be out of her mind with worry. Other times he's show up and be so intoxicated that my father would drive him home ... only to have my uncle somehow get back to our house before my dad and take his truck. He had about 20 car accidents involving alcohol. Somehow, he escaped jail time.
He met another woman who could overlook his drinking. God Bless her. She kept him safe. By the time I was in my twenties, his children would no longer see or speak to him. He became very bitter by this, but I knew it was his own fault. Often, he would come to my apartment looking for money or food. If I had it, I'd give him a few bucks, and he'd always pay it back, though it might be a year later.
He was a brilliant man, and alcohol robbed him of everything. At 70, he had another OUI. This time he did go to jail. It darn near killed my mom. She was in a wheelchair and on oxygen and wanted me to bring her to the prison but I wouldn't. He spent 15 months in prison.
When he got out, he started drinking again. But he quit. Because he came down with liver cancer. By then, I had accidently met up with my cousin and we had gotten our families together. We didn't talk much about her dad, other than she really wanted nothing to do with him.
When he told me about his diagnosis and that there was nothing they could do, I was very torn. I decided to tell my cousin, thinking that at least that way she had the knowledge and the choice was hers.
In the end, she embraced him. He got to meet his 2 grandchildren and his son-in-law. Even his ex-wife forgave him, and would have him over for lunch. He also reconciled with his son.
It is NEVER too late. Mark, you have a beautiful soul. The good you do on here is astounding. You SAVED me from letting my doc put me on methadone for pain. If I hadn't of read your posts, I probably would have blindly gone along.
ALL parents make mistakes. We ALL need to make amends to our children. Believe me, your children love you and you will fix this. None of us are perfect. We all do the best we can. Being open and honest with your children is a huge gift to give them. Maybe for some it will take time. Being patient isn't easy!! At least not for me. I want God to do things in my time, not His ... and sometimes I don't like the answers I get!! I think I know best when, in fact, He does.
You and your family will be in my prayers. I fully believe that all will work out ... you are a GIFT to everyone here, and you are a gift to your family!!!!
Over the years my uncle would disappear for months at a time. My mother would be out of her mind with worry. Other times he's show up and be so intoxicated that my father would drive him home ... only to have my uncle somehow get back to our house before my dad and take his truck. He had about 20 car accidents involving alcohol. Somehow, he escaped jail time.
He met another woman who could overlook his drinking. God Bless her. She kept him safe. By the time I was in my twenties, his children would no longer see or speak to him. He became very bitter by this, but I knew it was his own fault. Often, he would come to my apartment looking for money or food. If I had it, I'd give him a few bucks, and he'd always pay it back, though it might be a year later.
He was a brilliant man, and alcohol robbed him of everything. At 70, he had another OUI. This time he did go to jail. It darn near killed my mom. She was in a wheelchair and on oxygen and wanted me to bring her to the prison but I wouldn't. He spent 15 months in prison.
When he got out, he started drinking again. But he quit. Because he came down with liver cancer. By then, I had accidently met up with my cousin and we had gotten our families together. We didn't talk much about her dad, other than she really wanted nothing to do with him.
When he told me about his diagnosis and that there was nothing they could do, I was very torn. I decided to tell my cousin, thinking that at least that way she had the knowledge and the choice was hers.
In the end, she embraced him. He got to meet his 2 grandchildren and his son-in-law. Even his ex-wife forgave him, and would have him over for lunch. He also reconciled with his son.
It is NEVER too late. Mark, you have a beautiful soul. The good you do on here is astounding. You SAVED me from letting my doc put me on methadone for pain. If I hadn't of read your posts, I probably would have blindly gone along.
ALL parents make mistakes. We ALL need to make amends to our children. Believe me, your children love you and you will fix this. None of us are perfect. We all do the best we can. Being open and honest with your children is a huge gift to give them. Maybe for some it will take time. Being patient isn't easy!! At least not for me. I want God to do things in my time, not His ... and sometimes I don't like the answers I get!! I think I know best when, in fact, He does.
You and your family will be in my prayers. I fully believe that all will work out ... you are a GIFT to everyone here, and you are a gift to your family!!!!
Hi there---
This is a profoundly deep and helpful post. The truths that you are sharing were learned through grief and pain, and you are just the most amazing person to be strong enough and honest enough to share your experience with us. Thank you so much.
Bill is a very wise man; you are wise, too, so try what he suggests. I love the idea of a meal with each of your children. If the two that are estranged won't come, then write them a letter, full of sorrow, gratitude, and love. You have a very powerful talent for writing. And even if it seems a real uphill battle with them, perhaps the other three will talk to them from time to time and report on how well you are doing keeping your promises--that can do a lot, too. Please keep us updated on how this is going. I pray that your family will be brought back together and healed. Talk to you again soon.
This is a profoundly deep and helpful post. The truths that you are sharing were learned through grief and pain, and you are just the most amazing person to be strong enough and honest enough to share your experience with us. Thank you so much.
Bill is a very wise man; you are wise, too, so try what he suggests. I love the idea of a meal with each of your children. If the two that are estranged won't come, then write them a letter, full of sorrow, gratitude, and love. You have a very powerful talent for writing. And even if it seems a real uphill battle with them, perhaps the other three will talk to them from time to time and report on how well you are doing keeping your promises--that can do a lot, too. Please keep us updated on how this is going. I pray that your family will be brought back together and healed. Talk to you again soon.
I am typing on my phone . So please forgive the format .
Also I have more comments when I get to a computer
Great topic and definitely worth discussing
Also I have more comments when I get to a computer
Great topic and definitely worth discussing
Hey mark.
My heart is heavy and I am sobbing. My children all have insecurities issues that goes right along with fear.anxiety and trust.I know much of it stems from my husbands addiction.
I recently found out my 20 yr old daughter is using again.my husband has been in recovery for 18 months but all these things are the consequences of his years of use. My children
My marriage my spirit are all still healing. I know it will be a long process. We are beginning counseling with our 2 youngest this week. My oldest son says he has forgiven.my husband used for 14 yrs most of the 3 oldest lives and all of my youngest 2 lives. There is so much healing to be done and it seems overwhelming .I am healed of the bitterness I harbored and know we unfortunately can't go back. We only have today and no promise of tomorrow.
We are healing and I see that but there is so much to still be healed. There is anger.rebellion
We all need a healing touch. Trust needs to be earned back and I believe with time this too
Shall be healed.
By HIS grace and mercy we are being healed. I believe that with all my heart.
Hugs
Debbie
My heart is heavy and I am sobbing. My children all have insecurities issues that goes right along with fear.anxiety and trust.I know much of it stems from my husbands addiction.
I recently found out my 20 yr old daughter is using again.my husband has been in recovery for 18 months but all these things are the consequences of his years of use. My children
My marriage my spirit are all still healing. I know it will be a long process. We are beginning counseling with our 2 youngest this week. My oldest son says he has forgiven.my husband used for 14 yrs most of the 3 oldest lives and all of my youngest 2 lives. There is so much healing to be done and it seems overwhelming .I am healed of the bitterness I harbored and know we unfortunately can't go back. We only have today and no promise of tomorrow.
We are healing and I see that but there is so much to still be healed. There is anger.rebellion
We all need a healing touch. Trust needs to be earned back and I believe with time this too
Shall be healed.
By HIS grace and mercy we are being healed. I believe that with all my heart.
Hugs
Debbie
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