Aa
how to end the cycle
well I can't tell you how many times I've been on here reading other ppl stories but I have never had the nerve to post before. My story is painful to admit, I was a loving wife, devoted to my family and my 4 children were my upmost concern, I wouldn't ever think about even taking a sleeping pill let alone prescription meds. I married very young to the most god loving devoted man I could ever ask for. My life was so full of joy just being able to stay at home and tend to my children and take care of my husband. Skipping forward now and trying to shorten my very long story my husband was diagnosed with a very rare brain tumor, and while this shook me to my very core I tried to remain calm and focused being very young with children I didn't know how to cope I guess, we later moved away from my hometown to his hometown due to mainly the cost of living he went from working making 6700.00 a month to literally under 1,000.00 yes one thousand dollars on disability we lost everything, I would give it all up still again this day what I don't understand is how I completely did a 180 in myself. once we arrive we moved in with his mother until we could find somewhere we could afford are 3 children are now teens and the youngest was 3. I went from never working a I can't even say high school drop out cause I never made it to high school the last grade I completed was 7th. I struggled but finally got my GED I had to start going to college and start some sort of career I knew my family depended on it I did amazing well for awhile a friend offered me a pill one day she told me it would help me focus better I was depressed I missed my family back home, scared to death and just needed something to give me a extra help with energy. I thought I had it all under control like everyone Im sure thinks. I quickly found others that were doing the same thing they hooked me up with a good dr and boom I got a script I had oxycotins and oxycodones I never took the Oxys cause I heard awful things so I sold that script for extra very needed money. I had to tell my husband bc we would question where the money is coming from. I told him everything was fine I wasn't taking them I was selling them except I wasn't getting my hands dirty so to speak. the Dr got busted for being a shady doctor. there goes my script the whole time I was taking the 30 mgs everyday without anyone knowing. My husband never caught on, this is where it gets really bad and please this is taking so much for me to say so I know this is going to sound horrible and ppl are going to think I am a piece of shi* and I am it's ok just please try not to be to harsh bc I'm having a terrible time dealing with this. my husbands tumor came back without warning, he came threw the surgery luckily fine, but they sent him home with a lot of drugs. he used a few but then didn't seem like he was using them so I started sneaking into them. He started noticing after awhile that they were missing, of course I denied it I told him he must of miss counted or took more then he thought this went on for 2 yrs I finally after many many fights told him I was taking them, One would think that he would pack my shi* and tell me to get out of his life but he didn't I still to do day don't know why. we are now shifting to 6 yrs later he knows I have this problem I have found different dr to get whatever I can get my hands on fill it and run out I had a script of 75 pills and they would be gone in less then 5 days then my husband after I eat mine starts handing me his I lost my script went to jail for stealing, was clean 10 days from jail the first thing I do when I get out took a pill it started all over, what is it with me I have been blessed with so much in my life why can't I just be happy without pills I can't functions without them its gotten so bad that my husband literally started snorting his pills just to see what I was getting out of it, trying anything to understand what I was going threw he would take money and buy me methadone when we can't even pay are bills but he can't stand to see me sick and he won't tell me no it's to the point where he know runs out of his meds 2 weeks after getting them he gets 120 30mg I tried a client with suboxone but honestly couldn't afford to keep paying 125.00 a week out of are pocket. So of course a few months off the pills I stop going to the clinic and blam right back into it. I have gone threw WD I don't know how many times each time is worse looking back Ive lost years and years of my life events I don't even remember being so high. I think I cracked when I lost my dad that along with living with the fear that I don't know on any given morning if I am going to wake up and my husband still being alive. I know I have self medicated myself over the yrs. Ive tried going to a therapist but I am to ashamed to really tell the truth of it all. I have once again ran my husband completely dry on his medicine there's no way of getting a new script so not only am I feeling anxiety of knowing in the morning I am not gonna have anything I also have to deal with the guilt of seeing my husband go without his medication there are times his head hurts so bad he had to stay in bed, I don't know how I became this selfish person bc I am not this person I let my family down I had to drop out of nursing school bc of being in jail I don't see getting a job in a hospital with theft charges on me. I have let everyone down, I'm not going to lie there have been many nights I've starred in the mirror at myself with no emotions at all until I know I don't have a pill. I've often thought a few times to just empty a bottle of sleeping medicine at one time, but something always stops me. So the last few months I have been going about 10-13 days without anything I know I can do it it's horrible I can't function I pray for mercy that I don't deserve and sware just get me threw this I'll never do this to myself again. Until my husbands next refill then it starts all over. I can't keep doing this I need to find a way to stay away without asking my husband to stop taking meds he really needs bc I have a problem. its not fair to him I know this deep inside to my very core but I keep allowing this to happen what do I do? I can't afford detox or rehab I can't afford to tarnish my name any worse then the jail with theft if I admit I'm a addict to I feel I'm sealing my fate to always be a no body and looser that let her family and husband down at the time I was needed the most, I literally struggle with there's no way out other then taking a fist full of pills and going to sleep forever, I just don't know if I could do that to my children and husband is there any hope that my mind will let go of this addiction I tell myself this is it at when it is happening I mean it more then life its self I went 13 days without anything felt amazing doing great it took about 11 days for me to feel like actually cooking or anything then blam I know the day he walks in the door with his new script it's out the window and here we go again. I feel worthless, depressed and I am all ready nervous and hands are shaky cause I know in the morning I have nothing to take and I am not ready for this feeling all over again. what the hell can I do? Please any suggestions or thoughts on how I can walk away from this one last time...is it true possible and if so why the hell can't I find the strength in seeing everything its done and just force myself to stay away from it. I truly am lost and scared and have no idea how the hell I'm ever going to break free sorry its so long just wanted you all to know just what I am dealing with I have no one I can really tell this to I'm so ashamed and disgusted at myself !!
I have been looking for your story I do hope you post on here I have found so many ppl that has talked to me and talking \posting about it does help. we are starting this together so lets stay in touch and try to give love and support to each other.. ok so what is your story? I'm sure everyone on here would love to hear from you as well ok take care and please stay in touch
I truly truly feel for you, and I have been in the exact same place you are in, I wish you wouldn't beat yourself up so much, that's what always gets us! I understand W/D isn't really the hard part, its the aftermath, facing your real true life, and its hard, but you can do it. I was on subs 3 years and I spent 4500.00 of my family's money on it. Subs make you feel good, but youre not clean and the W/D is a loooong nightmare. Is there anyway that you can get some low income counseling, or do you think NA will help? Ive accepted the more people I am around, like on this site does wonders, post every day how you feel and we will all help you. We all care very much.I worry for you about your hubby bringing home pills every month, my first attempt to quit, my husband kept doing them in front of me and even asked me to go get them! Maybe he could keep them elsewhere? Your story has really hit home and it breaks my heart that you are going through it. I couldn't afford rehab or detox either, and I have a child, so I get it. Stay strong, keep posting and we will help you. The more you post the better you will feel, it is very cathartic. Much love and Prayer sent your way. xoxo Carrie
You are going through a lot right now. You need to breathe a mind and see the positives in this. You are given a chance to be apart of life drug free. It's gonna stink at first but you can do this.
Loperamide- helps the runs
Dramimine-sleep
Lots of water
A good vitamin 2× a day
Music and moving was huge for me.
Dark chocolate
Nuts
Lots of sex... With or without the hubby.
Ibprophen for pain.
Hot baths with Epsom salts soak whenever possible.
You will be fine..I'f you are done with the "hamster wheel" so to speak you need to get into aftercare...asap
Loperamide- helps the runs
Dramimine-sleep
Lots of water
A good vitamin 2× a day
Music and moving was huge for me.
Dark chocolate
Nuts
Lots of sex... With or without the hubby.
Ibprophen for pain.
Hot baths with Epsom salts soak whenever possible.
You will be fine..I'f you are done with the "hamster wheel" so to speak you need to get into aftercare...asap
I just read ur story.i apologize for not ready everyone elses comments as urs was very long and its late and i should be in bed but i will read them tomm.bc they r important as well. anyways insearchof i envy u in a way and i hope u dont take offense to that,if u can go 10 days without please for me stop.if u get past that wd stage and said u feeel great and ,are doing good until ur hubby walks in the door thats awesome!i unfortunatly could not do that and am on suboxone and weinging myself down bc i get way too sick.everysingle day i wish that i could wake up and not need a sub or a pill to make me not sick! anyways enough about me this is ur post,i plan to post mine tommorow.like someone ad above try aas nas talking to someone. our addictions r so much more than physical we have to also get past that horrible emotianal,psyc stage! my advice if u want it ,i just joined another site 2 days ago and no one even cared to give advice opinions or support whisch is al i really need and im sure u and everyone else here is.suboxone docs are expensive but call around.im unfortunatly live in the boonies where i have to dirve 1hr 20 mins away.but when i was looking for docs i asked how much and how odter will u have me come.i thought that they were all the same.deff not! this is the 2nd doc i am on and its bc i didnt agree with my doc,she kept uping my suboxone when i was depressed,instead of priscribing me a antideppressant.any ways i called and theres docs that will see u then a week later maybe twice a month then once monthly.some even the initial visit then once after that then monthly.its crazy.how they are all different! if that is not an option for u to find a sub doc once.ive been reading alot of forums like this but where people are weining themself off or even trying the thomas method i believe it is caled idk how ppl have been successfully with it?i cant see it being but hey every one is different!. i chose my sub route bc i had no other option,my family we r low income too but we decidede that me buying it off the street was still more expensive than seeing a sub doc.iv also learned that if u keep going to that doc with sub issues,lowering doses side affects or symptoms they want u to keep coming back to line their already heavy pockets,!!!! so i told my doc i was good with what i was prescribed,even tho it was way too much,and decided i would find the right dose for me and wein myself down once i am at a stable dose for awhile.i was kinda in the same situation as u when i was useing ,i had an ENABLER! my awesome mom alwways there if i need anything, if i need to talk anything she has always been there, but she is a nurse so she hated to see me in wds and sick so would give me a pill here or a few there when ever i really needed one and at one point she had said that she new that she was and how horrible she felt bc of her being a nurse.ur husband loves u and thats y he is enabling u.like my mom ur husband doesnt want u in pain.anouther reason sub was my best route bc on sub u cant take an opiate or its blocked so i didnt even have the need or want to ask her!. have u tryed finding a doc that takes medicaid?i saw that u sd u didnt have insu?do u have medicad?u bein g on her eis awesome as well bc like a na or aa u can find someone to talk to outloud but at least here u dont feel that judged bc noone can see u at least that is how i feel.!
u can do it! i say that bc if u can go a week thats awesome thats the first step u have been able to get thru ,think of it like that.all these hurdles we r jumping are steps to full recovery!spidr is right this is not the end of ur story!!!! well im gonna go to bed its 5 am here!! i hope this helped u alittle. :/ like i sd i joined another forum seeking help advice and support the other day and got nothing :( so i havent even checked this website outsite out to see what the forums and discussions are about to, join one. i hope i too can find support like u have :) we r going to tackle this horrible disease together!!! i think gettting to no each other will be a big help to our recoveries bc we have somewhat similar backgrounds, again ill post my unsuccessful story tomm. u will get thru this, bc we r al bigger than this and we all deserve better than this so dont feel ashamed,ur not alone!
u can do it! i say that bc if u can go a week thats awesome thats the first step u have been able to get thru ,think of it like that.all these hurdles we r jumping are steps to full recovery!spidr is right this is not the end of ur story!!!! well im gonna go to bed its 5 am here!! i hope this helped u alittle. :/ like i sd i joined another forum seeking help advice and support the other day and got nothing :( so i havent even checked this website outsite out to see what the forums and discussions are about to, join one. i hope i too can find support like u have :) we r going to tackle this horrible disease together!!! i think gettting to no each other will be a big help to our recoveries bc we have somewhat similar backgrounds, again ill post my unsuccessful story tomm. u will get thru this, bc we r al bigger than this and we all deserve better than this so dont feel ashamed,ur not alone!
Search, don't worry about your emotions right now. They are supposed to be effed up in early detox. You'll be angry, anxious, scared, depressed etc. But, it's just your brain rebelling because it doesn't have it's meds. You will level out. Time and patience. Believe it or not, the obsession w/ pills DOES end. (with lots of support.) Keep going. You don't want to have to do this again!!!:)
your right totally and I know this and as soon as I can mustard up the strength to sit down and really talk to him I think that's what I am going to say. I started to write him a letter this may sound dumb but each day I have wrote something small in this letter about what I am feeling or thinking and I plan on giving it to him when I finish this letter and I really want to look back over it and remind myself of the hell I went threw along the way
well so far its been 4 or 5 days without anything, and theres no pills here bc I ran him completely out so I have to push through this I did tell my doc yesterday that I felt like I was withdrawing and he called me in Zofran and some non narcotic script its called Etodolac 500 mg which is doing nothing at all for me bc I have done this for the past 2-3 months I'm getting use to going without a week sometimes 2 without maybe taking 1 or 2 methadone in between not this time, so far I haven't taken anything it is getting easier but it isn't any fun which I am sure you know. I have just faced the facts that I just like taking oxycodone's I have gotten so use to having them I literally just want them and if I don't have them I am bitchy and moody and just hell to be around. I know a lot of this is in my head bc I will start to panic the night before I go to bed knowing I wont have anything when I wake up I am looking for a AA or NA meeting to attend in the area the one that I went to before wasn't any help bc ppl would be hanging around the place to unload stuff to ppl and I just wasn't comfortable being approached by strangers so I never went back. someone in a post earlier mentioned searching out a pastor or ppl in a church I don't attend church and I have no family around me other then my husband and children and his mother which I do not get along with, so to open up to my family over the phone is something I haven't wanted to do after loosing my dad to cancer I have really closed up a lot I think in part it's bc the 2 most important men in my life that I love dearly I have lost or is battling the terminal brain cancer now and its really messed with my head. I may just have to solely reply on you guys so I'm sorry ahead of time if you see me on here constantly posting and ranting about things, as of right now you guys are my only life line so to speak, I have called a therapist however I can't get in to see her until dec 17th I think it is I just wanted to make sure I replied to you and told you thank you for sending me your post !
2 things: Tell him the longer he gives them to you the longer you will be sick. Tell him firmly you are an addict and you can't have them. Period.
Again, Go to an AA or NA meeting asap. You need it. Can't stress this enough.
Again, Go to an AA or NA meeting asap. You need it. Can't stress this enough.
Huni as long as there is breathe, there is hope.
Keep the faith.
There is freedom from the chains and bondage of addiction.
You are worth fighting for.
You are a precious soul.
There is forgiveness.
Forgiving ourselves always seems to be the hardest.
You are not alone.
Many have walked this road before you.
The recovery road is best walked with others to support you and hold you up.
Look for therapist, support groups, pastors, church groups, family, friends.
Remember there is always hope.
Keep the faith.
Sending prayers,
Debbie
Keep the faith.
There is freedom from the chains and bondage of addiction.
You are worth fighting for.
You are a precious soul.
There is forgiveness.
Forgiving ourselves always seems to be the hardest.
You are not alone.
Many have walked this road before you.
The recovery road is best walked with others to support you and hold you up.
Look for therapist, support groups, pastors, church groups, family, friends.
Remember there is always hope.
Keep the faith.
Sending prayers,
Debbie
hi everyone I just wanted to jump on and let you all know I'm still hanging on, my stomach is in knots I'm still running to the bathroom, I am having some what panic attacks but not to bad, I feel a lot better after reading everyone's comments back to me, I feel like I am not alone anymore but I do need to ask you guys opinion on something , I forgot to tell you all before that yes hubby does have his script locked away so I cant get to it, but it really doesn't matter bc when he gets them he offers them to me bc he don't want to see me sick, or I do get pissed at times if I know he has them so he just has started leaving me a pill out everyday, then sometimes he will give me a half in the afternoon ect.. based on how I guess I am acting. God love him I know he means well and this is in no way his fault he's just trying to keep the peace I think, I plan on sitting down talking with him before he gets his script again. but its me bc I know there here and that's what messes with me just wanting them takes over everything that I work so hard to get over how can I overcome that part? I cant tell him not to bring them here he needs them but see he hates to see me sick and or upset so he caves in as well what should we do ? any ideas
wow after reading this you have me really thinking this is sad bc nothing really comes to mind.
Oh sweetie, I am def. not in any position to judge anyone. I think most of us here would say that......I don't like to step on "the big cheese's" toes....that's his job I hear? Lol
Just remember that your mindset right now...that horrible f*cking crazy negative low counter productive thinking is NOT who you really are...it's just your addict brain trying everything it can to get you to take something to "feel better".....it's a LIE....keep reminding yourself of that. You're gonna have to wade through that sh*t for awhile...(par for the course, you know that)......all do-able !
You have to find at least one small point of light to focus on through this honey...just one will do for now. Tell me what your "light" is if you can.
Just remember that your mindset right now...that horrible f*cking crazy negative low counter productive thinking is NOT who you really are...it's just your addict brain trying everything it can to get you to take something to "feel better".....it's a LIE....keep reminding yourself of that. You're gonna have to wade through that sh*t for awhile...(par for the course, you know that)......all do-able !
You have to find at least one small point of light to focus on through this honey...just one will do for now. Tell me what your "light" is if you can.
Hey there. You know it never ceases to amaze me, and comfort me, that whenever anyone new posts on here, it's always the same thing: a very long story, some stealing w/ trouble and/or jail, and tons of self-disgust. That's meant to tell you that everyone, and I mean everyone on here knows how you feel. Nothing you could write in your addiction story that could freak us out!
You do all those things you don't understand (like stealing your hubbie's pills) because you're an addict. That's what addicts do. We do things we'd never do if we were clean. So, it's not that you are a horrible person, you are just an addict.
Okay, it's not great that your husband is enabling your using. That sh!t has got to stop. Firstly, if you have access to pills, this won't work. Period. What folks do w/ a spouse that needs still needs their pills is the spouse LOCKS THEM UP. With a combination and everything so there is no way for you to get to them. Okay? Are you willing and ready?
You've already done 13 days of detox so you know what to expect. (I took those "brakes" too, in an attempt to control my using, ha ha.) So, good, you know what's up w/ the detox. Now, the biggie (for all of us) is staying clean. Staying! You must get your butt to aftercare. I would suggest NA or AA (they're free.) Go immediately. Tomorrow. You don't have to be clean to go. Just to have a desire to be clean, which you do. You needs tons of support and you will get it in those rooms.
Please keep posting!!!!!
You do all those things you don't understand (like stealing your hubbie's pills) because you're an addict. That's what addicts do. We do things we'd never do if we were clean. So, it's not that you are a horrible person, you are just an addict.
Okay, it's not great that your husband is enabling your using. That sh!t has got to stop. Firstly, if you have access to pills, this won't work. Period. What folks do w/ a spouse that needs still needs their pills is the spouse LOCKS THEM UP. With a combination and everything so there is no way for you to get to them. Okay? Are you willing and ready?
You've already done 13 days of detox so you know what to expect. (I took those "brakes" too, in an attempt to control my using, ha ha.) So, good, you know what's up w/ the detox. Now, the biggie (for all of us) is staying clean. Staying! You must get your butt to aftercare. I would suggest NA or AA (they're free.) Go immediately. Tomorrow. You don't have to be clean to go. Just to have a desire to be clean, which you do. You needs tons of support and you will get it in those rooms.
Please keep posting!!!!!
i have detoxed 6 or 7 times in the last4 months i,m getting so tired. i had 17 days back in jily and was feeling great. well i up and see a friend at the gas station and herei go . you realize that there are a lot of secret addicts that take prescription drugs all over america. its out of control really; i,m just about at wits end but i continue to fight. you came to the right place you willl get a lot of love and support on here. i wish you the best i,m not feelin all that hot right now. keep posting.
Thank you for your kind words I really just feel totally lost, I have never opened up to anyone, for the fear of what people may say I guess, I know it's the shame that I feel. And I think that is one of the main reason why I keep going back to the pills because there is just so much I have to face that right now I am worse off now then I was years ago. Instead of dealing with issues I cracked under pressure I guess. I found a way to cope with the uncertain things in my life. I thought it helped me not focus so much on what was going on and gave me that extra energy I needed. I have no idea what I was setting myself up for. Now is when it hits the worse, when I have nothing to take to help numb me so to speak, what I have realized slowly is that each time I do this to myself, it's harder to deal with. And I am only making things worse. There's just so much to deal with that I don't know what to focus on first, or even if I want to any more. thank you for your kind words of encouragement you were a god sent to me tonight. I will get up tomorrow and just see how it goes. I will keep posting thank you for not judging me...
Omg girl..........so sad for you. Your words tell a story that seem only to be yours. But really your story is one that's told much too often. I wish I could give you a big hug right now, God knows you could use one. Oh jeez. I know it's hard but you have to pull enough energy up from your toes and believe you can do this. It's never too late..........until it's too late. You're given another chance! We all are. You've gone through wd before so you know what to expect and you know you can do it. What you need now is to learn that aftercare and reaching out and cutting off resources to your doc are paramount. Obvy with your husband being sick, that's a problem. Honey you have to start calling in the cavalry and recruit friends and family members for help, therapy, aa,na meetings, your doctor, minister, emergency room. Reach out to someone there. This is NOT the end of your story....not even the climax..,you're just getting started......and I look forward to lending support and watching you kick this beast "medhelp" style! You can do this....keep writing and reading, others will be by to give support and offer advice. Bless you sweetie, it's gonna be okay. Hugs xo
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