how to keep pushing forward.... look in the mirror and lift a car

[scaredmamaneedshelp]

Hello everyone, some people suggest writing in a journal or a blog, I chose to write here because here you can get a ton of support and encouragement. It is amazing, a family away from family here. Today is my day 10, cold turkey detox from 15 20mlg oxy and 10 tramadol a day. Wow, what a journey, an experience. A journey that is going to keep continuing. So how do you keep moving forward? If your New to detoxing or just thinking about it please read, and of course all my supporters as well: I look around at my kids and husband and of course that gives me inspiration, however I knew I had to do this for myself. When I was using, I couldn't really look at myself in the mirror, I mean I could to do my hair and make up, but I couldn't look in to my own eyes and my face, I became so ashamed that I couldn't face myself. Even at day 10 my detox is still physically difficult but that is okay, great even because every few hours I Look at myself in the mirror, I can actually look at my eyes again and not feel as much shame. Proud actually. Because I'm doing it, I will not stop, I will not falter. My physical symptoms are a reminder to me to never use again. My runny nose, sneezing, and cough came back and hit me like a freight train two days ago, but I wasn't upset, I just laughed. It is annoying but I'm still great. Our mind and bodies are amazing things and we can do amazing things if we set our minds to it. The saying: "a mom could lift a car by herself if her was child was trapped underneath it and dying" that was actually done. Well guess what the drug is "lifting the car", seems impossible but it can be done, and the person "trapped under the car that you are saving" is yourself, your family, your life. If you lifted the car and you had control you wouldn't just drop the car on your self, kids, family would you? You wouldn't kill them or yourself because that's not how it is done. Drugs no matter the from can and will physically kill the user "us", but it was also kill your family. EVERYONE, weather your detoxing, thinking about it or living sober find that strength we all have, look in the mirror in to your own eyes and ask yourself if you are proud and hold on to that. Lift that car and save your life, your family's life and never let go, it will be hard and seem impossible. But it is not. Find your strength. I still have a journey and battle a ahead of me, but I found that inner beast that I thought I had lost, I thought I was weak, but I wasn't lost, I was just numbed. I'm on day 10, with a long roller coaster to come but I can't wait and know I will be like one of the veterans on here, helping others with months and years of sobriety under my belt. Thank you to everyone who has helped me here, and remember to never give up, find your strength. Thanks for listening.

[scaredmamaneedshelp]

Thanks guys. I'm on day 11, yay.

[spider6]

Way to grab those bootstraps and PULL! Wowser, you have got that tude down pat. Yes, I love to see that raw positive emotion spill forward. Uber awesome job! You and yours are in for a wonderful journey. Soak it up. Much peace and prayers of strength. Hugs

[Cricketk92]

What an awesome post!  I am so proud of you and you are doing so well!!!  So happy that you have your husband on board with you and that he is so loving and understanding!!!  Hurray for you on day 10!!!!  Keep doing the right thing!!!  XOXO Karen

[scaredmamaneedshelp]

Vshiav, thanks so much. It is great to find your strength again. To remember who you are again, and not be ashamed of it.

[vshiav]

It is amazing to find that inner strength again.  I am so proud of you!  Proud of all of us who can be supportive and YET offer help to others and words of encouragement!  We are stronger than we think!

[scaredmamaneedshelp]

Awe Junip, I didn't mean to make anyone cry, I did cry when I wrote it, but didn't mean to make you cry. I'm just trying to express how and where I derive my strength, and hope to help others find the strength and HOLD ON TO IT. You are doing awesome to, and I love your attitude. We are in it together and here for each other. I'm here for you if you need anything.

[Junip]

Your post made me cry...congrats on your progress and you are an inspiration to me!

[scaredmamaneedshelp]

dwhitti, you are awesome for holding strong. Don't let go of that strength, like you said, keep yourself busy. In time things will go back to "normal", for now just try to ride the ride and try to find happiness in every little thing of every day, your kids, the beauty of nature, anything. You got this.

[dwhitti777]

So much loving your posts... especially on a day when I felt that awful anxiety no matter if it was time for my taper dose or not. I know that is the tolerance thing in my brain trying to get me to take more. NOT DOING IT!

Cherish having your hubby there as support. Today is one of those days where grief could swamp me if I let it. Luckily (or not) it's one of those days where I only have a few minutes free time. Just got home from work and I have to leave again in about 40 minutes to take my son to martial arts. I'll take work with me to do because otherwise I'll just see my husband there everywhere as it was a place we spent a lot of time together. I know our friend that owns the school must wonder if I'll ever start back training but that is too much right now... although I can feel my muscles respond to the commands. I just can't.

Anyway... yeah... I like writing here too. It helps.

[scaredmamaneedshelp]

It is wonderfully painful, lol. Amazing

[scaredmamaneedshelp]

Thanks Gnarly. I cried, for the first time since I started detox I was able to let it out, not a sad cry or happy cry just a relief cry. I had a long talk with my husband. I even read him this post because I felt it was the only way he could understand how i am feeling. I apologised for letting it get out of control. He smiled and said he "sees" his wife again, he has gotten his wife back. The strong women he knew that I am. It felt great. He to apologised too because he doesn't handle stress well, that he is working on it and is proud of me. It was a wonderful moment.

[gnarly_1]

Hey Girl good to see you great to see you clean  it is really cool to see someone post with raw emotions  something we could not due wile under the spell of the pills it always encouraging to see some one doing all the right things to put active addiction to the side   recovery is ausum and you will actually loose the desire to use  keep pushing forward your going to meetings and that in itself is huge keep posting for support......................Gnarly

[scaredmamaneedshelp]

Thanks so much. Keep pushing forward. I hope to help others as well. Everyone is awesome and can do it

[VICourageous]

Good for you!!! Keep on stepping up those steps.
This is a Disease and it will always be here, but it can be arrested at some point and things get a bit easier. Some do way better then others. Life will throw you them curve balls and we must always keep our Guard Up! This has been a saying on here for yrs. Take good care of you and your family.

I bet the light is back in them eyes!

Bless