how to stay clean and sane when your heart is broken

[Heather8448]

I dont have a lot of time to talk as I am at work
as most of you know I have been clean over a year now and I am in a 12 step program working on the steps..
I decided to get in a relationship...one thats equal...he makes slightly more than me we have our own places he has 4 years clean I have one...even our sponsors liked the idea. We had been friends since october and dated in january and slep together end of feb.
He found a car it was checked by 2 mechanics was in my price range. The owner let him test drive it for 2 weeks. yesterday the anniversary of my dads death he didnt show at work to get me...he came back at 3 am I told him i didnt wanna see him...I was taught to guard myself but also realize people mess up
we spoke all day and he was suppose to pay rent and stuff...well hes gone again...
I know I cant go back...but I am heart broken
and I just need to know people have been through this clean
I am ashamed I let myself fall and feel and believe happily ever after exists
and I have been crying for 2 days..I know I wont use today and everyone is reaching out even when I want to sleep
I just feel like I was so close to a car and getting out
we talked about marrage in a year and kids after and moving in one day
even his sponsor is confused
and I am powerless but it hurts
and I cant help but wondering whats wrong w me

[VICourageous]

Girl. We love you on here. Just trust in your God as we all been through some he11 these past yrs.
I will talk with you later as I am not feeling to good..Might have to have that Bypass done and I am scared. Just keep your Guard Up as you have for so long..lol
Bless

[Merri123]

Heather first and foremost you have to take care of YOU!!!  

After 4 years sober why did he use again?  Or has he just been hiding his use all this time. He got caught bc you were there to know.

I would look really long and hard at this. No man or relationship is worth being lied to and out through this. You have one year and that is freaking awesome. But you are teetering on destruction by doing this. Its not giving up on him. It's knowing you deserve better and your sobriety is the most important thing. May sound selfish but you have come way too far to let anything take that away from you.

So please. Take care of you first. If he wants this bad enough he will put in the work to show you.  But one thing for sure - he does this again hell do is over and over. One more time and you will need to walk away. He has his own place. Do not make up for what he did. He blew his paycheck. He will have to take responsibility and figure out how to make do. Without you taking care of him.

Good luck girl. Lead with your head. It knows best.

[jifmoc]

Heather- sounds like you need Alanon, sweetie. I wish you the best.

[Heather8448]

Thanks guys yes he relapsed
and he came back last night broke and broken...against all suggestions I let him shower and sleep
I am in a strange space between trying to help someone and in love that can be dangerous I hear. I know i wont use today...
I am pretty sure he is done since he only spent his paycheck and didnt spend the credit card he heas that has an unlimited about of money. he says hes going to church and meetings...
just for today I am willing to give him another shot but I am also on high alert and I am aware he cant be the man I need but no one has ever given up on me...
I can safely say he wouldnt use w or around me his MO is to leave and use alone and he doesnt even answer the phone
I cant say he wont use again. I cant say his next pay check wont trigger something. he needs to learn what his reservation and or resentment or secret is. They say we see a relapse coming and even his sponsor didnt see it...

I know just for today I wont use and as long as I follow their way i have nothing to fear...
i guess Im running on faith

[meegWpaw]

true dat, Con, everything you say.  Heatherdoll you know how i feel from our earlier communique, but just know you can reach me Anytime sweetheart.  I am so sorry for your pain.  I really love you and I want what's best for you.  I know it is hard to say good-bye to someone you love for any reason ... but I want the man who is man enough to be with you ... and that is a very rare and special person indeed.  you are young, you will find him.  i know you will.  be good and be strong for me!!!!  you are freakin fantastic baby!!!!!

love,

Meegy

[clean_in_ks]

Heatherdoll...(I don't think Meegy will care if I share her nickname for you)...
There is nothing WRONG with you....there is something going on inside of HIM....and he obviously isn't in a place in his life where he can be the man you would want or deserve.

While I am not going thru your exact situation, I CAN tell you that right now I am going thru one of the roughest seasons I can ever remember in my life.  I just put one foot in front of the other and end each day knowing tomorrow is a NEW day...knowing this hurt and pain cannot last forever.  I'm kinda of "ditty queen" and several have really have helped recently that I want to share just per chance they may help you.

"I've never met a strong person with an easy past"

"If the door shuts.....it's not your door"

"Help me to rehearse in the dark what I have learned in the light"

You are a very deep hearted and beautiful woman, Heather.  At least you found this out about this man before you moved in with him; before you married him; before you had children with him.  How he stays clean and copes with stress and change would affect your entire future relationship with him.
I know it's so very, very hard to look for the good when hurtful things happen....but you are working such a strong recovery program and you have so many surrounding you that love you.  Let them love you until you process this hurt.....because you will come out of this a stronger, more beautiful women.  I will keep you in my prayers, Heatherdoll~
Much love,
Connie

[bear_necessities]

There isn't anything wrong with you so put that out of your mind. We live and learn with love like everything else we face. Sometimes we do everything right and still get the raw end of the deal. My 92 year old Mema passed awAy last month and that was my first real test to not use but so far I've made it through. She was one of the last pure things I had left. Not the same kind of heart break but similar in a way. I'm sorry this is happening to you. From everything I've gathered about you any man would be lucky to be with you. Do you think he is relapsing or just being a ****?

[jifmoc]

I'm confused. What did he do? You wrote, he's gone. I was so close to a car and getting out. Getting out of what? Are you saying he relapsed? Please clarify.

One thing I do know: there is nothing wrong w/ YOU. That's our addict brains thinking everything is because of US.

[IBKleen]

Oh honey...there is nothing wrong with you.As hard as it seems, this is all on him. I don't know how to tell you to stop hurting. It takes time. It is a grieving process because of your loss. You will have to go through it your way. But you are FEELING and that tells me that you are working a program. Stick close to the ladies in the rooms and your sponsor. Keep talking till you run out of breathe. It is okay to cry baby. Let it all out. I am glad you posted.

You know where I am sweetie if you want to talk. Please, please hang in there. You have come too far to lose it now. SEnding big hugs....