i hate being addicted to cocaine

[bolena]

Hi, Where I live in Central America, cocaine is common, cheap and although illegal, the cops just take it away w/o a bust. Never have I been addicted to anything so this was a bad shock to see myself after about 2 years INCREASE the use to daily rather than drop down toward quitting. I actually did reduce consumption since 12 months ago and people (users and non) commented in a positive way. But now it's 2 more years - 4 years of packing my right nostril. When I leave town, it's never as important as it is here so I don't look for it. I'm sleepy when I quit and my excuse to buy a gram is that I need to work and get stuff done. I stop for 3-4 days every month or so but so what? I've been up all night (again) and am disgusted with myself. I know I  can quit since I do when I travel. Does this mean moving? It's worth it to get the monkey off my back but I can't leave for good until I sell my house. Unfortunately over time any non using reliable friends and I have little contact. A magic formula would be great... helpful comments, too.

[Jessie615]

I went through a bad cocaine addiction a long time ago I was stealing from every1 and anything.it all started when I met my ex at first it was fun but then it became everyday fighting if we didn't have it.he started getting abusive and i know he was the reason i was addicted.i went from 120 pds to 90 it was bad.then I went on a cruise without my bf  and with my family.i didn't once think of doin any coc and had the best time of my life.after the cruise I moved n broke up with my bf and honestly forgot all about using that drug.i really do believe that changing where u live and changing ur daily routine really does help but u need to do fun stuff to keep ur mind off of it u can't just stay home.hope my story helps a little good luck

[bolena]

Thanks for your reply, 777,     I need some practical ideas since I can sleep away a few days without anyone looking for me. I get up to feed/water my dogs; unfortunately, in this case, I have flexibility to disappear for several days a week.   So after a sleep fest I wake up groggy and looking for serious ‘coffee’. Your comment about remembering the golf is excellent, but how did you get from “I don’t f*ing care” to going out to golf?. The other day I had a deadline which I did meet ‘straight’ and I noticed that I can function on my own. After I post this I’m going to put up a big reminder note to myself.

[bolena]

Thanks, EvolverU,
It’s good to have some support. I’m totally aware of the ‘outta control’ problem -when I told the guy I usually buy from how much I hate coke, he said he’s never tried it because he’s afraid of the addiction. I have been to AA here and they are very nice but no connection with them. Maybe that’s an excuse because I am so ashamed, but it’s not like people in the pueblo don’t know. When I’m away, the desire is never so strong that I go looking for it, but meanwhile I live here.  
Enough ramble… clarity I have, strength, I lack. I was good 2 days but this afternoon depression/loneliness hit which was ‘cured’ (right…) by a gram. I’m thinking of asking a neighbor/sort of friend to bang on my door daily. Not like she doesn’t know about my coke use; windows are always open here.  I feel like I need a babysitter - what do u think?

[EvolverU]

Hi Bolena & Welcome, Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. I feel for you. Cocaine is something else - especially where you live! Alas, as you already know, there's no magic bullet. A 'geographical' cure can help but until you have an overarching desire to quit forever - where you're just so sick of yourself on the drug that you'll do whatever it takes - it won't stick. That said, it sounds like you might be pretty darn close to that place right now! You sound pretty self-aware and that is a necessary asset in getting to a place of clarity where you just 'break' open and surrender to the cold fact that you're (we're) outta' control - That our DOC is poison - skull & crossbones - Period. You Can do this. This site is an incredible tool and will help you win your battle if you use it. Stick with it. Wishing you all the Strength & Clarity you'll need to overcome. We're here...