i just want someone to talk to

[blondiiexo]

I am very new to this i just signed up today but reading other peoples experiences makes me feel like i have hope to get better, I really just want someone to listen and someone be there for me, either way this is a good way for me to vent my feelings! Thank you for letting me do so!

Heres a little ditty on my deal,
1 1/2 years ago
as soon as i woke up i couldn't wait to peel my first pill, grind it and then sniff it. it felt like my daily routine. after doing about 80 mg for 1 year and then for 6 months doing 140 mg it definitely feels like the end needs to come. so for the last month and a half i have been cutting myself back and now i only do them on the weekends, and i probably do around 20-40 mg, but that is not stopping, im still doing them! i no longer really feel the physical with drawls but now i feel emotionally so messsedddddd up. i started doing oc's with my boyfriend it started getting bad after we moved in together, now im living back home because im back in college. whenever i talk about it with my boyfriend he always says its just in your head and he gets mad at me, he has been supporting my habit paying and getting them, he tells me how horrible he feels for getting me like this (its not his fault) and asks me not to ask him for anything and i still do! i still want them even after he tells me to stop! I feel like such a fean sometimes but i dont know if he understands how hard it is! I cry all the time for no reason, I get so depressed sometimes, and I feel like I have no life, only when im doing pills. This is not so easy to kick, its hard. i still feel like i'm all alone. I really can't talk about it with anyone because i am disgusted by my habit. I don't know how I let myself get like this. These things have taken over my life, it feels like. I really just want to see if anyone has ever been in my situation because i feel like im alone and im the only one going threw this (meaning, emotions, and still wanting) I dont know if anyone knows anything good to help get rid of the cravings or will i just be stuck with that, i got myself into this so i really hope i can get myself out! also if anyone has anything good they did to help time pass will getting over these?
I really appreciate anyones feed-back and letting me vent! It feels nice. thank you for taking them time too look at this and talk!

[snowflake620]

you are not alone we have all beenthere talking to god is a good thing for me he is always there and never judges! the people on this forum are some of the best people in the world and will help anyway they can stay strong you can beat this

[cathy5841]

there is an end.  you have to make it the end....once you have broken free of the mental part and can see clearly...things get so much better.   and you really should try going to church...it helps me so much.

[refusingbondage]

Hi and welcome!  You are very much  not alone.. Just read through the pages and pages of people on this forum alone with the same problem and who have BEAT this addiction.  Of course you still want them - your addicted.  The emotional stuff the crying the pain it all comes with the territory.  You seem fed up with it and thats a GOOD thing.  Please know that this can be beat.  It is not hopeless.  You will need support for sure, meetings, therapy and please use this site and all of the great people on here who will be honest and helpful and an ear when you need one.  It is so lonely to be where you are especially when not many know just how bad it is, but your not alone.  I was shocked to come on this site and see how many people were going through the same thing..... so frustrating to have the pills own you and your life, but please know that it can get better and you can change it.  It wont be easy but it is such a worthwile fight.  You can come out on top, owning yourself again and that freedom priceless.  I wish you the best of luck, take care.

[blondiiexo]

thank you so much cathy and daisylynn! all the great words of encouragement are exactly what i need. i was thinking about starting to go to church or something, i dont know if i would be able to go to a n/a meeting by myself. but i know if i need it enough i will do it, because there is no other choice for me, stopping has to be the only way for me, no other way. and thats how i would like it to stay its just i feel like ive been sayin that for sooo long and i keep re-lapsing but i know i need to just be strong and stick with it, it just feels like theirs no end in site sometimes.

[cathy5841]

hi and welcome to the forum.  i can relate on so many levels to your story.  i was a snorter of oxy too.  i snorted 240+mgs a day.  i stopped c/t.  yes for awhile to cravings were unbearable.  it was terrible, i have been clean for aalmost a year now and will still get a craving sometimes but its not bad.  i make myself do or think of something else.  i know using is not an option for me.  i have made a commitment to myself to stay sober.  it was hard in the beginning.  i had to lose all my using friends.  i dont talk to any of them.  i am also a recovering coke addict and been clean from that for 5 years and you cant get clean and associate with anyone who uses.  na meetings are a great choice too.  i have been to those.  but for my aftercare, i mostly talk to  my pastor who happens to be my dad...lol  he keeps me accountable!!!!  i always go to church too it helps keep me hinest with myself....i am here anytime you need to talk just send me a pm....you can so do this.  if i can you can...

[daisylynn]

Find an NA meeting in your area and you will see your not alone. Addiction is tough but not the end. Some of the strongest people I know are the ones who have beaten an addiction. Be strong and if your not having unmeanagable WDs than don't look for any type of drug to help, just find some support!!!!!!! Good luck