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Avatar universal

i know ur all probably done with me but....

Haven't posted in awhile due to my shame. On my last post was a comment about how I'm using this site as a crutch and that is so true and I'm sorry. I wanted my next post to say how good I was doing, unfortunately that's not the case.
In the last 5 months I have tapered down a huge amount 3 different times, but each time it get messed up because I start smokin again. The stupid thing is, I think sometimes it actually makes me feel worse. Yet I still continue to do it. Its the actuall physical act of smoking that I think is so addictive to me
Anyone who has been caught in the merry go round trap of smoking opiates, PLEASE tell me how u stopped. I am desperate. At the end of my rope. Hate myself. Hate my life. Hate what ive become. Hate waking up in the morning.
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495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
If you keep doing it your way the mortician will be doing it his way, that is your reality~
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Avatar universal
i feel you my friend. I'm working up the courage after a 3 month relapse to go CT again. i just want to send you a warm hug and all the support I can muster. Whats happening to you is indicative of addiction. i feel the same shame you do. i"m going to start my own thread to get some support and just unload my secrets. I am feeling you so much. I'd love to get through this with someone, and invite you to join me. I'm making all the preps (meds to help form doctor, son out of town, no work....) Please don't get down on yourself. this is the disease. you will always be supported by me.
my deepest heartfelt (uncreepy) love to you.
Katya
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4149717 tn?1389503561
No, he doesnt listen to the advice that anyone says. He just keeps posting about how we are all so wonderful and he appreciates us etc and posts about all the things he going to do (which is not one piece of advice anyone here has given him) and then disappears to come back a day later to say again that he hasnt smoked but still popping them! He has been told  by mutiple people, mutiple times that rehab is the only choice he should make and that doing this ALONE will NOT work but he either doesnt care or I dont know what.  I just dont know what kind of motives there are here but IMO its not to get clean ! Im afraid he will end up just another statistic :(
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271792 tn?1334979657
LeeAnn, GOD love you. I've beat that treatment dead horse with him since June. He doesn't even respond.

I'll still keep praying for 'ya beyond but my words are falling on deaf ears. You keep thinking you can do this by yourself and every one of your ideas stink. Six months now and I haven't seen any change. My heart breaks for you.
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480448 tn?1426948538
Wow, what an amazing, powerful, and helpful post from LeaAnn...go back and read her reply...over and over.  There's a lot of wisdom in that post!

Honestly...I think a good bit of this is mental for you.  You THINK the w/d's are so much worse because you're not smoking the pills.  I also think you're getting stuck because you're just ruminating about the w/d's.  I think some of the best advice I've seen here is for one to accept that they're going to feel lousy for a little while.  In the grand scheme of your life...even in the grand scheme of a YEAR, it's NOTHING.  It WILL pass.

If you can surrender yourself a little to the w/d, I think you'd get farther.  Have you confided in your Mom yet?  Like others have said...do it.  Do it now.  This is all stuff you can't sit on anymore...you need to act, and act right now.  No more excuses, no more reasons why today isn't the day.  Tomorrow may not come for you.  Tell your Mom, get yourself to NA...every day...even twice a day, or more.  

Look at that picture of your son...all day long if you have to.  THERE'S your reason.  There's no better reason.  Honestly...like others have said, inpatient would be your best shot.  Have you even called around to get info?  You say you cannot afford it....sometimes, you can find resources, find a way to make it happen...but it isn't going to come to you...you have to work for it...you have to work for all of this.

Time to sh*t or get off the pot....as harsh as that may be, it's the truth, my friend.

Pulling for you, along with everyone else.  You've got a heck of a cheering section supporting you at this point.  No one expects a winning touchdown right now...but at least get off the bench, and get in the game!
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Avatar universal
You need to go to treatment. You're on Ativan, Lyrica, Marijuana, Opiates and taking vitamins, and you are still sick.  Honestly, that should tell you something about your being in really bad shape.  You need to be under the care of addiction specialists who can help you get better.  I want to see you live through this.  You can come out on the other side and live a happy life, but trying to detox yourself when you are on that kind of meds and STILL sick is a bad idea.  It's just not going to work!!!
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2107676 tn?1388973859
Do you even read the advice that you are given?  Just wondering?
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Avatar universal
First day I haven't started my day of with my foil. Seriously, the wd's I'm used to don't hold a candle to this. I cant imagine ANYTHING worse. Ive taken oxy just nit smoked it. It took by noon, 55 mg oxy, a lyrica, bunch of vitamins some smoke and still I thought I was gonna tear my own arms off from the skin crawling.
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3688816 tn?1358475297
Beyond I agree with LeAnn again on this one. U sound like u have a good plan STICK TO IT and dont look back! U can save Ur life and I'm scared for u just like everyone else here!!!!! U CAN DO THIS! I KNO U CAN IF U OUT UR MIND TO IT! :)
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Avatar universal
You know, the post about not smoking anymore and starting them orally so that you can be able to taper, because you can't taper smoking???  That actually sounded well thought out and lucid. It is one of the first posts I have seen you make where I understood and seemed to follow and where I see you explaining your point clearly where at least I feel like maybe we can help you from there.  IF you stay on them taken orally, you have no reason that you cannot taper, right?  You sister is holding them, and she has proven that she wont' cave to you wanting more, right?  (making sure I am following?) So, if those things are correct, and you won't be too sick to work, then you are possibly on your way.  YAAAY!  Ok, now......you don't go back to smoking and your sister gives you the taper amount and you do that and follow it to the letter and to the hour, what is your plan after that?  You may have said and I missed it.  The earlier posts that I read seemed like you didn't have a very well-laid plan yet.  I think that in your situation, if you don't agree that inpatient is best, you need to start NA RIGHT NOW!  Today. This afternoon.  NOW!  Stay on your taper, and keep moving forward.....never going backward even for a day.  

What you said about telling your parents is a great idea.  You said yourself something about knowing that they wouldn't judge you. (I don't remember exact words)  What are you waiting on then? Go to your mom, and get some mom-support.  I know that you don't want to hurt them, but if it will help save your life, then I think that they would want to know and help you.  You don't need to worry about being the cheer party for everyone else right now.  No one needs to cry on your shoulder today.  Go cry on someone else's shoulder.  You NEED to get clean to save your life.  What you're doing is existing. You are just breathing.  You're not living.  You're sick all the time.  Within "2 hours" of when you last use.  Honestly, I still think that inpatient would be best.  Second to that would be NA right NOWWWW and telling your parents TODAY!  

This is still salvageable right now.  Tomorrow, it may not be.  You have a tight rope to walk to get better, and if you vary from that, you may not live to post again.  I think your situation is THAT serious.  I can say that because I have been in that place.  I'm not judging you but trying to wake you up.  I don't want to come on here tomorrow and see that you didn't make it through the night.  That has happened since I have been a member here.  Someone we tried to help.  It SCARED ME.  Please do something.  Staying on your oral taper plan, going to NA and talking to your mom are not unreasonable things to ask you to do to help yourself.  OK?
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1796826 tn?1578874779
The strong man can admit to their weakness and/or shame. The weak man cannot.
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495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Being strong doesnt mean just being there for other people, being strong means taking care of you, reaching out for help and getting yourself better, that is strength~
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Avatar universal
TO BEYOND: I got your message and I want to tell you that u should listen to IBKLEEN AND CLEAN IN KS. I have done more reading about methadone and I don't think it is right for your situation. I have diff. Circumstances and I did what my doctor thought  was best for me in my situation.  I got on it without knowing much about methadone, and I will not suggest it to u or anyone else who is just getting off pain pills. I will tell u more later in this message. Just woundering what is your Drug of choice? Is it all opiates, and u like to smoke them? If u have perc's on you can't u smoke them too? Do u do any other drugs? And do u have a script for your pain meds, or do u buy them off other people? I was just woundering if u do have a doctor who writes you out the scripts and u keep saying u want to taper down, have u tried asking your doctor to help u taper or get off all pain meds? Just hoping u try and get any help u can...I'm new on this site so I would listen to IBKLEEN she has a lot of clean time and she knows what she is talking about...AGAIN IAM SORRY for my ignorance about methadone for your situation...listen to that OLD TIMER! AND CLEAN IN KS...I LIKE HER AND SHE HAS A LOT more CLEAN TIME TOO, and SHE CAN talk to me in a way that makes me feel comfortable,and she is not judgemental and makes me feel like she really care's . A lot of people have reached out to u and everyone has given u good advice( except for my methadone advice) so now its time for you to CHANGE YOUR LIFE AND GET THE PROPER HELP U NEED. All I see is u spinning round and round on that Insane merry go round. Stop it and do SOMETHING! And thank u for your message and accepting my apology. I really do feel bad for what I said and about trying methadone. But pls do something soon! Gtowngirl~
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Avatar universal
Hi beyond......I replied to you in another post, but incase you didn't see it I will post in your thread.
In my opinion, being honest with your family is very important. Once I did that, it was next to impossible to deceive any longer as everyone was "watching me".
My brother was addicted to snorting, very large amounts of oxycontin. He was never prescribed it....has no reason....no pain etc. He has been an addict all his life. When he did have to do something due to money and them changing his doc to one that was hard to abuse, he still opted to not let anyone in family know (I get my info from his wife) and went to a methadone clinic. He was just trying to avoid withdrawl in my opinion cause now he can't do other drugs because of the pee test so he just buys extra methadone on the street!
Stay in the fight and stay honest.
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401095 tn?1351391770
." Yet I still continue to do it. Its the actuall physical act of smoking that I think is so addictive to me "
Just a thought..but have u tried an electric cig?  Great flavors and may help with the physical motion you are used to.  I smoked cigs and it sure helped me
hang tight
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Avatar universal
Woke up in terrible wd as usual. Just wanted to check in an let u all kniw I'm srill here, and not smoking this morn. Actually all I have are percs on me so I wont b tempted. All the ir's are hidden somewhere at sis's house. I know I know, its still using, but I'm not getting high. Just keeping well enuf to work
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3120424 tn?1347170032
Ok Beyond, this is a start. Your mom will probably be relieved that you are getting honest and looking for some help. You said she already has *somewhat of an idea, right?

It's a good idea to start sharing your struggles. Telling your secrete is so scary but it's so essential in the process of crawling out of this mess. Honestly, it is. It feels good, gets you help, and more importantly, it holds you more accountable.

Can you look on google for some treatment options? I'll look around too.

Ps- many of us have had to be 'strong.' Jeeze, when I was growing up, we weren't even allowed to be sick let alone complain (god help us if my dad heard us even coughing). I hardly ever cried- not for babies or deaths or my own sinking soul. Real strength comes in coming clean and realizing their is a better way to live- and doing it! It's hard to see this now because we get so far removed but its true- just wait...

:)
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3688816 tn?1358475297
well thts a good start by telling ur family, even tho ur mother will be heart broken u should tell her bc in the long run she will b ok once u get the help u need. i thought the same thing abt my mother, there was NOOO WAY i was telling her or my husband bc he would leave me and my mother would be broken hearted but the time came if i didnt tell her then bad things would happen probably me being dead. she really didnt understand , she said maria just stop its not tht hard.if u dont want to use anymore the dont?? haha ya right.. she just didnt kno so i explained a little to her and she still didnt get it like u or i do but enough to where she kinda knew what i was going thru. i kno how embarrassing it is but it will b better in the long run if u get ur secret out in the open!!!i hope everything works out for you and u get the help you need so bad.... let us kno how everything works out.
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Avatar universal
Start by telling your family if they don't know.
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Avatar universal
I want to clarify something. And I know most of u think I'm fooling myself, and ur probably right. The more days pass, the more I'm realizing I'm drowning.
but when I ssaid I am stopping smoking/snorting, that is only the beginning. I don't think a taper plan is humanly possible when smoking because u hit wd soooooo fast. I mean like in 2 hours sometimes. So just need to take orally to get on my taper sched

;-(  I don't know how to tell nyone this. Ive ALWAYS been the strong one. The one to fight through.  I was the one who people cry on at funerals. The one that people called to be cheered up. The one nobody ever truly worried about because they knew I was ok. Yes ive been high for more than half my life, but always, aleays, Always managed to keep it in control. Never let it take precidence over real life sh*t.
  
How do I tell my family that I f'ed up so bad that I cant crawl out. I feel like I'm in wd 24/7. Even when I have enuf, I fast forwatd in my head for the next week. (I also have very very bad OCD. Not sure if I ever mentioned that)

I so don't want to ruin christmas, but ive been thinking all day. If I cant/don't hit my gial tommorow.............I think I'm going to come ckean to my mother. I'm not scaref of her being mad at me. My parents are wonderful. I really cant express how good of parents they are. I'm just so sad at dissapointing her. I'm her youngest. She always says how ill always be her baby. She knows I'm lost. She doesn't know how bad, but she holds me and cries and says she wud do nything and wishes she cud make me better like when I was young. It breaks my heart.

If I cud afford inpatient I wud go. Its not me making an excuse or being cheap, I just don't have the money. And neither do my parents or I kniw they wud give it to me.

I have come to love u all. I made a promise that someday I wud come here and actually post something good. If u don't hear from me tommorow then I have finally failed for the last time and surrenderrd myself over to somehow someway somewhere, getting help from others besides my now non existint will power.

God grant me , all of us, the courage
Good night to you all.
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4149717 tn?1389503561
I have been following your post and have held back in responding up until now. IMO i think that you are letting every bit of GOOD advice that others have said, go in one ear and out the other. Im not sure what your motives are for posting like you do but I dont believe its because you want to stop. You seem to talk alot about the support here and how great everyone is yet you have not said ONE thing that makes ANYONE here believe that you are REALLY serious about quitting. Dont forget, Addicts are good at lying and keeping secrets and because of that we can also smell out another BSer.  You need to wake up and realize your going to just end up another statistic if you dont make changes soon.

I hope that one day before you end up in prison or worse,  that you realize that your life is more important than the way you continue to live and if that doesnt work, then I hope you realize your son deserves a sober father.

Best of luck to you~~
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Avatar universal
I am as new as they get in trying to get clean and going through wd.  I am in Day 4 of mine and it has not been fun, BUT I know that it WILL end.  Thats what you need to focus on.  That it WILL end.  Thats what keeps me going.  Just looking down the tunnel and being able to see the light at the end of it.  You have a tremendous support system here if you use it.  Only you can decide that.  Tell yourself just for today i will have a program (whatever that program might be) and stick to it.
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3120424 tn?1347170032
Beyond, I've been thinking about you. If your so 'amazed' at the support- why don't you put it to good use and take the advice? I second what IBKleen and others have said...

Everyone chooses their own path of recovery- just get some support and remember- most people cannot do it on their own. I tried over and over and I never got it right until I got real and reached out for help.

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3688816 tn?1358475297
Beyond , I chose to go the suboxone route for the following reasons...
1. I have tried to stop on my own and it didn't work I ended up using h again within 3 days.
2 I am a stay at home mother with a 6 and 3 Ur old who r VERYYY VERYYY active
3 I knew in my heart tht if I didn't do something and FAST I would have been dead within 6 months bc I was using sooo much everyday and spending at least a grand a week. I really really wish u would listen to everyone here and take their advise. All the ppl here have been saying the exact same things to u since October when this all started and ur still insisting on doing it alone. U keep saying u don't want to give u wife anything to use against u but I can GUARANTEE she knows ur using. I thought no one knee what I was doing but they all knew I was doing something but didn't kno what and how much. U will lose ur son and UR LIFE if u keep going the way u are. So I think its time to wean off the lyrica and ativan and get on suboxone even if its for 1-2 months then wean off. And please don't take anything I'm staying as me being a b¡tch  but I'm being realistic along with everyone else. Ur saying ur not going to spoke it anymore and just take it by mouth??? How is tht getting clean? Its not any better ur still using just in a different way. Thts like me saying OK I'm not going to shoot h anymore I'll only snort it. See how crazy tht sounds?? Please please please listen to us when we say U CANT DO THIS ALONE!!!!!" I really understand ur scared to go thru WD ( who isn't) but in 5-10 days u will start feeling better and look back and say wow what was I thinking. I hate to talk to anyone like this but I feel like were all on a merry go round with u saying the same stuff over and over and over. We all want to see u succeed but we can't do tht if u don't want to do it or don't try. U love ur son right? ( I kno u do) but think abt how he would feel if he couldn't see u anymore bc ur doing drugs and ur wife took him or he is coming to ur funeral? Tht would hurt him so much! Please think about what were all saying and get it together and just do it!!!!!!! Good luck and think about what were saying !
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