in a bad place guys...so lost right now.

[this_big]

Seems like the only time I come here is when I'm on my ***, and for that I'm sorry. I could really use some positive words right now whether Via written kick in the *** or otherwise.
Sorry if this is all over the place, my head is all over the place.

Here I am AGAIN... broke, busted, and disgusted. I found this site back in 08 09.. Id give my right arm to be back there right now! This crap has gotten WAY outta control. I started Subutex back around July. Its been going really well...I say that but really thinkin about it..its not! Was started @16mgs a day..haven't taken anymore than 12. No less either! According to my "contract" I'd be dosed down every 3 months...yeah..that hasn't happened. This Dr is no better that my PM Dr. He just wants that $150 every month. Its funny because my visit printout every month says we talked about the importance of aftercare and all kinds of crap...Never happens! I go in pee in a cup and wait for a Dr to come in and ask me.." just need your refill?"..yep! And I'm on my way. I've just taken advantage of the situation. Wish I'd never gone that route... Or did a lil more research on the subject/Dr.. ugh.. Brings me to where I'm at... I missed my appt this month...3 weeks ago..since then in search of some relief from the WD I have blown over a grand in pills...funny..I haven't had the $200 to pay for Dr/Rx.I have smoked crack...bad idea BTW!!!! And my newest adventure..Neddles!! I can't believe I just typed that. That **** makes so sick to my stomach to even hold one...ugh.. its crazy cause in the back of my head I'm justifying this crap. "Its okay your holding a crack pipe cause you feel like ****. I'm only gonna bang these pills till I can get back to the Dr"..yeah..I'm starting to crave that ****. And that's crazy cause I've NEVER craved a " buzz" from pills..only to feel "normal" whatever the hell that is...  This has gotten way the **** outta control. I just don't know if I have it in me to go through friggen WD again.. I always think that! I always think that my situation couldn't be worse...***** slap!! Oh yes the **** it can!!! Unreal!! Progression right?? I HATE I was dealt this card!! I HATE being an addict!!

I know ultimately its up to me to get clean. I'm trying to do something different by coming here instead of running out and getting something. I know if I do I'm gonna put it in a needle... my family can NOT find me that way. The last one I think about got me...I cannot my believe my life has come to this...unfrigginbelievable!!!

[ariley13]

Ha! He's camera shy! :)

[this_big]

uploaded pic,But his little *** ran when I took the pic. Now hes in my dash somewhere...Ugh I feel terrible!..Gonna dismantle the dash to see if I can find him..You can kinda see his tail to the left..lol

[Sonrissa]

Hey! You sound great! Keep up the awesome work! Ahhhh, the poor lizard! hope he's doing ok! Take care!

[Hjk77]

You are so awesome!!! I am going on 30 days, so your 7 days is getting you over the hump. Mi still have stress and anxiety issues when dealing with work related thoughts, but I find that you're right. That staying active and being productive really helps to bring the "normal" back. Still having some freak out mornings like this morning I woke up in a panic, and it's all work related. I wish I could turn off and reboot my brain from  the days of never taking drugs. That would be nice, and I wish I could get a job in an office setting not a casino.  That would be a dream come true but it is what it is and this is my life so I have made my bed and must lay in in for now....congrats on your 7 days it only gets better from there and then better and better and better if you let it.  Rock on

[ariley13]

Awesome job on your week clean! Keep it up. I want to see a picture of the cute lizard!

[this_big]

Don't know if this will post or not so Im not gonna type much. 7pm will be officially 7 days..Its been a very humbling week. ill explain more when I can get to a PC. Going to get that tattoo tonight.."12/27/13" as a ring around my right thumb..So stoked!! Feeling really good about this year!! this time!! I think forcing myself to stay active has gotten me through...Its been a ride to say the least...I have a whole new respect for people who have worked while going through this...You wanna kick your wd up a notch.?...go t work!! all kinds of fun added feels...whew!!

@Whollymoly...I hate those commercials!! Its funny I found a lizard in my driveway this morning half frozen..could barely move..I got all teary eyed and Put him on the dash with the heater running..lol..poor guy!..lol. hes been chillin with me all day!! Hangin out with my lil creepy bobble head turtle. PIC to come...maybe..lol

Ive been hving posting issues, and just wanna let everyone know I read and reread every post and thank you for your support!! Hope everyones doing well!! still praying for all of us...wishing addiction would catch a habit and OD!!!

[Whollymolythathurt]

Good for you and keep it up.  32* days here and I still battle the mental $hit.  You made me laugh with the emotional stuff.  Through this 32 days I've found myself tearing up over stupid $hit...watching commercials for puppies, or cancer centers and I'm a mess.

Keep it going and continue to post bud.

[Jenny9906]

You SHOULD be very proud of yourself!! The things you did show just how much you are ready to take your life back! Way to go!

[atthebeach]

Thanks for the awesome update.
Good for you. Making some needed changes to set yourself up
For continued success and recovery.

[this_big]

Thx guys!.. hands down hardest phone call ever..still eating at me

[ActingBrandNew]

Good for you!

[clean_in_ks]

Well just WAHOO....SHOUT IT OUT FOR YOU!!!
You made some VERY important and fabulous decisions today!

Setting yourself up to win is really a no brainer....but we want to hold on don't we?  I'm so glad to hear you ended it with this gf....you're right....we become like the 5 people we spend the most time with....so choosing wisely if we want to stay clean is CRITICAL.

Plus:

At some point, you'll have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life."

Keep knockin em down....you'll meet your deadline if you stay clean...suit up and show up....good for you!!!!!

[this_big]

Got rained out and got off early..well it started sprinkling and I was like ..see ya!! This has been insane!! I really do not have a choice though. This project is through my bread and butter contractor and we face a $200 a day fine if its not complete by 1/10..a task that would be tough with pills! The pressure from this alone has my nerves shot. I havent really gotten anything done in the last two days. I find myself walking in circles..its terrible!!  Its so exhausting!!

I'm proud of myself! I not only told my buddy to keep what he owes me. I broke it off with my girlfriend. She's the one who intro me to the crack and needles. We're poison to each other. We were both on the Sub. She would get my "leftovers" I was rxd 16mg a day and only took 12. She maintained on the 4. We are a match made in hell! Sweet girl but...ugh. we had this grand plan to get clean together...yeah big mistake!!

  Just wanted to check in..been trying but was having some posting issues. Officially 4 days now and all in all I can't complain.  Been sleeping..I know right!?!? Moods not horrible, just very fatigued. Trying to stay moving and I think its helping.. Been very emotional though. I was mixing up some mortar today and just teared up for no reason.. lol. Anyway... heres to a HAPPY NEW YEAR..CLEAN!!! Pretty sure this is my first in almost a decade!! Tearing up again...ugh!!! All these feels!!! Feeling really good about 2014!! This past year has been rough to say the least. Stay safe guys!! I'm praying for all of us!!

[this_big]

Ha!!! It worked!! No error message..

[this_big]

At work..took lunch a lil early to have a lil pity party. This is horrendous!! Freezing my *** off and its like 70 degrees..ugh..7 more hrs...mental part has been good...ill try to post this evening?

[atthebeach]

How are you doing?
Please check in.
Remember there is always hope.

[laurel453]

we are all here with you...pulling for you !!!!!!

[msdelight]

Keep on going! Don't give up! We are all here to help you through this. Sending good vibes and prayers your way. L.

[atthebeach]

60 hours is great. Tell your "friend" he doesn't owe you.
You can gain control of your life. I just read your journal about how you
Liked to be on your boat, the thrill of it all.
You get regain that thrill. Something to work towards.

What are you going to do different this time?
There is freedom from the chains and bondage of addiction.
There is hope of a life clean and sober.
Dig deep my friend.
Cut all your sources, get to meetings. Counseling, church,
Rekindle your old hobbies, boating, fishing,stay away from all
The people, places and things associated with your use.

There are free programs to go to that don't smell.
Victory outreach
Teen challenge

There are outpatient programs.

Keep fighting, you are In the battle of your life.
Don't let the demons of your mind and soul win.
Sending prayers, support and encoiragment

[this_big]

Coming up on around 60hrs and ive made the decision I'm gonna do this...this will hands down be the most trying time. Everything is working against me and doing cartwheels in my brain...I HAVE to work today!! Believe it or not as much worried about the being out in PUBLIC or dealing with PEOPLE as much as getting paid. To top it off a " buddy" is going to Dr today and owes me. I was supposed to give him a ride...I did cancel that but can't bring myself to tell him...ah don't worry bout the 10 30s you owe me..ugh.. I'm like manic about that right now!!  oh the feels going on right now. I used to take my little *** boat 60+ miles offshore to maybe catch some fish..no problem...this **** has me so nervous, you couldn't drive a straight pin in my *** with a jack hammer!! God help me!!

[Hjk77]

Dear HarperOC,
I was clean for 3 years, using 4-7 lortab a a day. I relapsed a year ago when I went into the casino industry as a black jack dealer and started using oxy for pain and a better attitude towards my players.  I got clean on  dec 4 this year and have not used in 24 days. I have not been back to work yet but I go back on the first. I a freaking out about it.  I cry all the time too, still!!! Plus I am 40 years old starting all over again. My family does not know about my addiction because they would disown me.  Thank God I have a great husband but he's hard to talk to and he is getting bitter about me not making any money that we need to live. I am so scared to go to an na/aa meeting in fear that someone might know me and tell my family.  Plus I'm scared to drive because my brain is all over the place and I can't focus.  I hate my job but it's the only thing I can do to make a living.  
I can tell you this, today is better than yesterday.  I get anxious in the morning and late at night. Mostly cause I feel all alone at those times cause my husband is either sleeping or working.  But those anxious times are becoming smaller windows of time everyday.  Still freaking out about going back to work on January 1 but I am going to a dr on the 30th to talk.  I had a bunch of anti- depressant drugs but they all made me sick to my stomach, and nausias so I had to stop taking them.  Wondering if anyone out there had the same feeling on cymbalta, trazadone??? It hurt my stomach so bad to take them.  I still have them but I'm scared to take them....it would be really nice to hear back from some of you out there...I feel all alone in this quest and really need some support

[this_big]

Thanks man, I'll probably hit you up later....that last comment took me like an hr to type on my phone...I'm exhausted man...mentally drained

[this_big]

IBK, yes, I've thought about it and even looked into it. Its SO expensive! There is a detox facility here that's free but you can only smoke like 1 CIG every 2 hrs. I checked myself outta that place a few yes ago after only being there a couple hrs. The smell alone was enough to make you puke. Imagine 5 rooms 6-8 beds per room. Everyone in the room is twitching. The beds in jail are more comfortable. The day room is much of the same. Most are court ordered to be there. Id rather suffer at home. I actually thought about going up there because I was told they give Buprenorphine(Subutex) and quickly decided it wasn't worth it. Its THAT bad. Guess you can't expect much from a place that probably has little to no funding..IDK...The Subutex works great as far as not wanting anything else but truth be told is no different... still tied to a damn bottle. Oh and the WD!! I was so bad off the other day I smoked crack..Really!?!? StayingClean..you talk about shame... I don't even wanna go there right now. oh and BTW..I've read a lot of your posts over the last couple of days...and not to be mean in anyway..ANY WAY! But you are far from being "free" brother! 9 days is friggin HUGE!! Trust me I know!! If they made awards for that **** you deserve one..Anybody that makes it over that week hump does. Congrats to you!!! Heed the warnings you get here!! Seek aftercare!!!! Meetings, therapist, church, the gnome in your neighbors yard.. Whatever works...don't EVER stop working on this. I would give my testicals to be your age again and be 9 days in. Its so easy to get "comfortable" and forget.. I thought about getting a tattoo on my thumb saying " never forget"... Okay..I'm rambling...

Situation as it stands.... I'm out..exhausted all resources.. counting change to buy smokes...So, its been approx 22hrs since last dose...a chill just went up my spine. Ugh!! I have no friggin idea what I'm doing when it comes to needles..this is insane!! Can't even believe I'm talking about this ****. NEVER would have thought I be right here right now.. SO disgusted!!.. 22hrs and counting I guess...who the hell am I fooling...

[ActingBrandNew]

Whats up friend! Glad to see you back...even under these circumstances. Im sorry you have gone through all this. Its sounds like things have been really bad to say the least. I agree with IBK in that if you can get into a detox facility that would be your best bet. You started IV'ing and I can relate...did that for years. Its the IV drug use that led me to prison...gave me the Hep C...all kinds of other dark places. You recognize where your at so its time to do something about it before you end up in a position where you cant.

Im here if you want to talk.

God bless!