I don't know what to tell you, I would say do not do it!! everyone here is still an addict because they wanted one more pill!! including myself, i'm a complete dumbass, i think i have will power, but I don't.......anyway, struggle through it!!! it will only get worse as you delay it. Anyway, I can't say much, I'm going to NY for the weekend, and I'm in the hunt for anything right now, i don't want to go through withdrawal while on the road with friends, they have no idea about my issues........ does anyone know where I can get my hands on Buprenex?? or whatever it is........
First of all, congratulations on being clean this long!
Ah the lethargy...it is really nasty, isn't it? I have a few questions for ya about it. First, are you taking any nutritional supplements? when I withdrew from a 200mg a day habit (last august I was up to somewhere around 25-30 vicoprofens a day, I can't do math in my head but I think that was around 200mgs a day, lol) I had lethargy that lasted about a week, maybe two, after the initial wd week.
I was taking the L-tyrosine, 5 htp, a strong multimineral and multivitamin capsule, and excercising. Also, was trying to be sure to eat well, ie, plenty of protein and moderate carbs. All these things help to restore the body to it's normal energetic state, but it does take a while. I think it also is different for different people, depending on your body chemistry.
But if you are not taking supplements, try them, they may make all the difference for you. If you are not excercising, try adding it in, even if it is just a ten minute walk. Every little bit helps.
The hardest part really is not the detox, it is the daily decision to stay clean, especially right in the phase where you are, when the lethargy has not yet lifted. If you hang in there, you will soon feel normal again. I had forgotten how good it feels to just feel normal energy. It really is better. We just have to pay the energy deficit for all that false energy we got from the hydro for so long. But you will feel better.
Hang in there and be proud of yourself for making it this long!
Thanks for the response--actually, when I started, I did take the L-Tyrosine and a multi-vitamin. I didn't really think it was making much difference and stopped it after the first week. It seems the lethargy has gotten worse in the past week (the third). I will start up the L-Tyrosine and multi again and see if it helps You are right; the hydro gives a "false" energy and I know I was needing more to get the same level--that scared me--reading the posts on this forum are what gave me the strength to quit when I did. But I am definitely feeling the pull to having the "false" energy beating no energy right now.
I, we are proud of your stance in being clean. Think of all of the work and determination that has gotten you there so far. I know about that lethargy. Mine lasted about 1 month. Like Witchy Woman, I too had been dropping major amounts as you have read in my posts. Nutrition, exercise, DETERMINATION(you know, that daily decision to fight the easy way out and we know that this is very strong)and much time on my knees in prayer.
Also to echo WW, the lethargy will pass. We all had to pay the piper but the end result was well worth it. I will stand on that fact. There is nothing like a daily norm of energy as opposed to that "speed effect" I got from the hydro. You will make it. You've done it for 3 weeks now. Energy is just around the corner. Set goals for each day. Remember, taking the easy way out only prolongs the inevitable. You're tired of the vic's and the only way to get away is to GET AWAY.
Remember your career. We have talked about that too. I have soo much energy now and to feel a legitimate TIRED at the end of the day and to sleep like a baby and not wake up with the funk of the world on me far outweighs the pain I(we) suffered in getting off of the meds. If you would like to talk about careers in the future. let me know and we can get together. Just let me know. You hang in there my friend. IT WILL BE WORTH IT. Plenty here can attest to this. I will continue to pray for your continued recovery.
In His Love, JR.~
Good for you, Nod. Good for you. You are so right about the secret part yet I can't face it. How did you do it with family? I just don't know how to do it with family?
Sad Girl--How are you? Hang in there--post and let us know how you are. We will be here for you.
What seems to beat the lethargy for me is eating, sleeping, drinking water (not coffe by the pot) and exercise all on a regular basis. If I do all I feel so much better (and happier) than I did at the best of times with the 10/500's. But with the 10/500's I was sure not get enough of any. It's a scary thing when you stop and think about how you get a norm of abusing your body on a regular basis. If anyone let a child exist with the lack of the MOST BASIC essentials (forget about the drugs), they'd get locked up for child abuse..........
I do very much hope to hear from you. I have much I want to share with you--you and I have more similarities than you are aware. But the most important are the ones that are the reasons I need to discuss with you. I do hope to hear from you. You are incredibly wise and I know I could develop greatly from that wisdom. I wish I could directly communicate with you right now, actually! Please be in touch when you can. And continue you to keep me in your prayers. (somehow I know you will...)
The lethargic state is a pain in the ass. For me it's like depression and an inability to care for myself, mentally. Take some "baby steps" and come out into the sunshine again if only for an hour. We need some human exchange to feel better after all. There were days when the television was my best friend for hours on end. I would dread the ring of the phone or the knock on the door...know what I mean? When you are that sick, it's a very lonely time. How long this state lasts is up to you and the condition of your mind and body. Some come out of it in several days and others may take much longer to feel "good" again. Even with me, it can vary a greatly with a hundred withdrawals under my belt.
The things that you can count on with detox are misery and depression followed by lethargy and downright insanity. Much the same way we feel when we lose a lover. How long does it take to get over a long time love affair that ends and we are on the one dumped? It's a moot question!
Be kind to yourself and try to get into some kind of group where you can share your pain with people who give a damn. There's AA, NA and many religious approaches for starters. It does take some effort on your part to find your solutions and lethargy isn't a big help!
Thank you for the support--all of you--it really helps to be reminded that others care and are with you. JB--the hard part about getting involved in AA/NA is that I would have to admit my problem to my family and I simply cannot do that at this point. I go back and forth about whether or not my husband will support me. We have a rather turbulent past and it is a bridge I'm not prepared to cross yet.
JR--thank you for your continued prayers; I am a very strong believer in the power of prayer and say many, many times a day. Funny though, while I have struggled so much with this, I have not thought to pray much about it; now why would that be? That I don't understand... yes I would like to talk further. As I have mentioned, mine is a similar line of work--let's just say our paths would have crossed a lot!
Thank you all. I can honestly say that 6 weeks ago this would not even have been an issue for me; first, I would not have been "clean" for 3 weeks, and second, I certainly wouldn't be debating over whether to take anything. So there is definite progress...
hey wey, way to go getting along this far! you've come far enough
along that you should start to notice some changes in your world
(actually the changes are in you)!
so in light of the distance you've come, can you really sanely go
back to the hydro-c? get back on the B6 and l-tyrosine! look into
zink,magnesium,calcium, & manganese. also lots of water (8-12
glasses a day). all of this will help you to feel beter and getting
back to your old (pre-dope) self. the only thing to keep in mind is
this will not happen when you think it should. it will happen at
it's own pace and time table. it will happen though. i honestly be-
lieve things will get beter. maybe somethig good will happen today. if i didn't believe this, and recieve support from my friends on the forum i probably would have had the gun in my mouth and been finished by now! at least give it on more day and keep posting to
us. there is a whole forum of addicts pulling and praying for you!
keep an angel on your shoulder
Kip--I KNOW you're right... I have come this far, why would I want to go back? Why? WHY???? In your post, your mention numerous supplements; I have Thomas' detox recipe and I should probably look at it again. Though that in and of itself is a story... copied and pasted it into a word document only to have my computer crash. Thought it was lost... several weeks went by, suddenly when my husband was using my computer one morning, lo and behold the thing suddenly appears as a "recovered document." Blew me away--I lied my way through that one.
JR--I can truly feel the pain of your story. I have a similar story, though not as direct or as difficult. I have had several "close calls" that have made me think "This is enough! Quit embarrassing and humiliating yourself!" Then I rationalize it away eventually... I suppose that is the nature of addiction. If you would like, email me at ***@****. Thanks.
Again, thanks to all--I have not gotten the script yet--I did call my dr this morning but have not checked with the pharmacy. Actually, as I am writing this, his office just called--they called it in. Sheesh... I do not know what to do. I mean I know WHAT to do I just don't know if I CAN do it. I am sorry to be rambling... I guess I just need it.
Lanas my friend,
I know that feeling of not being able to tell anyone. I thought that I had hidden my addiction from my family and friends most of whom were doctors and nurses that I frequently came into contact with (?) but I was sorely fooled.
It is a lonely feeling. To repeat something I said in a much earlier post, my fear of discovery and shame of the addiction probably kept me addicted 4 years longer than should have been. Here is something that I have nevr mentioned. November 1998, I had just come back from being off for 2 weeks with a stint in my right kidney due to uric acid stones. I think that all of the vic's were screwing up the ph in my blood and urine and I started to produce the uric acid stones whereas others just get gout. Well, here I am sitting aat my desk, running on vic's and my Sgt. comes to me and asks me to step into his office. He then hands me a piece of paper and asks me what I think about it. The paper was a dictated conversation from my secretary from a phone call that she had received from an anonymous doctor refusing to identify himself.
This doctor was calling for my SGT. to tell him that He, They, at the E.R. of our big hospital around here were afraid of me being a police officer and that I was very addicted to vicodin as dictated by my many visits to the E.R. on duty asking for vics, which they would write me scripts for. I would go in and complain of knee pain, (13 surgeries) and a script with a refill for vic's was written. This anonymous doctor refused 3 times to identify himself but also stated that "they" feared repercussions from me if I found out that "they" had complained about my addiction. My jaw hit the floor and my SGT. asked me "Do you have a problem because if you do then we can get you some help." I looked straight in his eyes and said that I did not and that every visit that I made to the E.R. was for legitimate purposes, all documented and I was also examined each time by the doc's. If they thought that it was a problem then why did they continue to prescribe the pain meds. He replied that he had gone to the E.R. and spoken to the E.R. chief. The E.R. chief stated that this officer is a friend to us and he does not have a problem. Sgt. was satisfied, or at least I thought. I then later went to one of my friend's, an E.R. doc and asked him if my name had been brought up in any of the E.R. staff meetings in a manner consistent with the anonymous phone call and he said that it had. That told me that one of the E.R. doc's had made this call. I still did not believe that I had a problem at that time. I truly believed that if the doc's were writing the scripts then it must be legitimate. Well my whole point of this is that there was a chance to get help but because I did not believe it, even though that little voice came into my head after the phone call, telling me that there may be something to this, I was too afraid to admit anything. The shame that I felt after talking to my SGT. certainly shut down any possibility of my coming forward. Well, you know how it ended. Blessing or curse? Now, I think blessing. At first, I believed curse. Just food for thought in living with this "secret".
When I went to rehab, I met many other professionals like myself, some of whom I had worked with, like NURSES, lawyers etc... It did not matter at that point. We were all in it for the same reason. To get help and find some normalcy to our lives. I DO UNDERSTAND as we all do. Let me know how we can communicate on the profession issue. Again, I do understand. I may be way off base.
In His Love, JR.~
Boom -- CATUF fell off the wagon on day 31. I didn't go looking, but a "friend" who owed me money paid me back with an unexpected delivery of 10/500's. That's the bad news - my wagon was in the ditch Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I should have just tossed them and written off the debt, but...
The good news is that by Saturday morning I hated the way I felt compared to the feeling of a month-plus with pleanty of sleep, a good diet and at least 3 times a week at the gym. It wasn't that much that was dropped off, and I streatched it through Saturday & Sunday so there wouldn't be a big let down. There wasn't.
Monday I felt only a bit tired, not even slightly sick. By Tuesday I was back at the gym and feeling good again. Now, on Friday, I seem to be back to where I was after 30 days.
On the one hand, I hate the fact that I broke a 30+ day record. However, I no longer have this nagging feeling that each day added to my record is at the expense of the good time or good feeling I might otherwise have i.e. that I was giving up something of value. After comparing how I felt Friday night and Saturday morning to how I had felt for the 3 weeks prior, I now don't feel like I'm giving up anything by not using. Somehow I went over a subtle bump in the road and now seem to grasp emotionally what I have intelluctually known for a long time -- that there are no "pros" on my list of "pros & cons," only "cons."
One question: I frequently see in here the comment "keep an angel on your shoulder." What exactly does that refer to?
Please send me your prayers, strength and love. It is 4:00 pm on a Friday afternoon, I have been weaning myself off of vicoprofen 7.5 for the past week (I did it the hard way, from 4 pills to 1) No, I haven't been taking large amounts of pills, but believe me the way my ankles and shoulders feel and the stomach cramps the chills...my withdrawal is BIG time! I have everything in Thomas receipe also took Monday off. I feel so scared because I know what is coming. I don't even have the energy to drive home or type these words. My mind is fogging, yet my heart is racing. Please send me your light...there are some beautiful people here. Yes, I am sad girl...because of what I've done to myself. The worst part is that I am in pain (back problems)and my doctor was only trying to help me. I called my EAP (Employee Assistant Program) because I feel suicidal..they told me to tell my doctor, so that she can wean me off the correct way...but I feel too embarrassed...So I'll do it myself..the head doctor wants to see how I'm doing on Monday..he gave me something for the anixety. Sorry I'm rambling...but my mind and body are not here. Thank you for listening and wish me luck. Sad girl
CATUF--you give me hope where I am failing right now. The thing is , I know I will have none for awhile after the 15 given me now. I will be okay; I've done this many times before. I just wish I could break the cycle completely which I seem unable to do. However, it has been a long time since I have gone 3 weeks, so I do think I am making real progress.
Sad girl--you and are alike; I was only taking 4, had gotten up to an occasional 6 a day. But the wds are still very bad. Read through the many posts on here; there are many wonderful incredibly supportive people and they really will help you through--REALLY. And you will be okay; you truly will be. My daughter and I will say special prayers for you tonight. Hang in there and keep posting; you will get the support you need.
Cheer up kid, your part of the way home now. Why not go to your doc and tell him what's going on? Nothing to lose, everything to gain. Right? Your either embarrassed or could it be you don't want your source to dry up. This is how I was (both).. until this week when I fessed up to the doc and he is helping me ween off. Guess it was mental but I have felt so much better ever since - mentally and physically. I was doing 15-20 pills a day (150mg) for over a year (tapperred and relapsed sveral times in between) and now I'm down to just 3/day. Still feel run down physically and mentally feels like I just had a best freind die. In a way that friend (hydro..aka Morpheus) is our worst enemy, a liar. When I'm done tapperring I have a battle again but one I'm gonna win.
Your suicidal feelings are a part of it all, most here have been thru that. You need to let it pass, its not all really you, its the drug. Please, go fess up to your doc, he/she, if has any compassion at all (which most good ones do,) will help you thru this. There is also anti depressants to help you as well. GET RID OF THE SECRETS, that's what gets us and keeps us locked up in our addiction.
Take care sad girl, keep posting. Nod
Great advice my friend.
"We are only as sick as our secrets." That was some great advice I learned from my counselor in Rehab. No more secrets. I am as free as free can be. I do not have to hide my eyes any longer for fear that someone may see my pupils. I do not have to fear if someone is going to find me out. I don't have to worry how I can scam another friend out of his/her vic's or another trip to the doctor to complain of "pain". I don't have to worry what impact the discovery of my secret will have on my family or career. The career is gone as a result of that. I don't have to worry if I am going to keep taking enough until it finally kills me either by Over dose or liver failure. I don't have to worry anylonger about my very first thoughts after my eyes opened each day after minimal sleep where I was going to get some more of the vic's. IT'S OVER. Now that's freedom. Thank You my friend for your wisdom. Stand firm and run the race that is set before us. It's called life. There are peaks and valleys. Each day is a training day to prep us for the next challenge in this race. If you remember the movie of Chariots of Fire, Eric Liddles rival, I can't recall his name, was sitting in the bleachers with his girlfriend complaining about just having lost a race to Liddle. He said that he can't run any more. His girlfriend, Sybil, tells him that he can't win if he does'nt run. Man that is as profound as it gets. The way I see it, if your not in the race daily, training and getting into shape, then you're dying and you certainly can't win if you don't run. It's called resolve.
In Christ's Love, JR.~
Catuf--what an incredibly simple but profound point. My, my... food for thought for sure. (thank you). JR--hope to hear from you very soon; I have so much to share and so much I know you have to give. I'm off to Neverland (oh if it were only that easy)--but that's what my daughter says.
Sad Girl--I will check on you FIRST THING in the morning. Take lots of hot baths. Heck! Spend the night there if you need to! Be good to yourself, becuse you are doing such great things to yourself that are going to pay off in spades! My love and prayers are with you. Remember, it goes slowly, but what you are producing--that is the "you" free of drugs--will only take several weeks to be in near perfect order-----yet it took years to get you in the shape you are currently in. SO YOU ARE SO FAR AHEAD OF THE "GAME"!!!!!! You'll be okay... hot baths... lots of water... read... watch movies/tv... post here as much as you can. We'll be here for you.
How did I tell my family? Well I have wife and two childeren who are 1 and 3. I tried to tell my wife for oever 6 months but chickened out. Why? because I wasn't ready to say I'm ready to quit. Once you let the "secret" out there is no turning back. But you know what, its such a good feeling. The people that love you, love you for you, trust in that (is that a lot of you's or what!) They will understand and believe in you enough to help. If not right away they will come around.
I told my wife as we were laying in the dark in bed about 3 weeks ago. I fessed up completely. She knew in a way but not the extremes of my addiction. I cried. She understood and is still understanding. She knows I am tapperring down and that I feel crappy. She also knows that my pain (the reason I started in the first place) is coming back. But she also knows I'm scared and is helping me.
If you truely want to get on the road to recovery, you have to get rid of the secrets. Until then your NOT winning the battle.
JR - thank's my friend. I have often read and gotten much out of your posts in the past.
Schlub, How are things? Good I hope. Curious how the Bup is working, or not working at this point, and how WD's are?
If the Buprenex stopped the siezures I'd say you're doing the right thing. It's always two steps forward, one step back with recovery, but remember the progress is forward.
Your wife sounds wonderful and supportive and with her behind you and with your motivation, I have no doubt you will make it. So it will take a little longer than you thought. You should try a taper off of benzos. That takes months and you think it will never end. The goal is to detox safely with no physical damage and it sounds like that's what you're doing. The smart thing.
This too shall pass.
i remember thinking I was crazy to when i smeedl the stuff oozing out of my pores along time ago,,,i took massive amounts so it only stands to reason they ave to be excreted from somewhere...demerol is very nasty in the sniffer department.........love cin
STARS!!!! I meant to add (and hit posted before I did!)--that I am still with you... I regressed one night, but I am back with you; keep letting me know how you are and I am going to try to stay with you from now on, okay? You give me hope...
Schlub, hang in there my friend. Its not like you failed anything or anyone. This setback was not from you failing but you succeeding. Its just a part of the process on the long road to recovery. Hell, your just about there. Don't get down on yourself. Sounds like you just went thru one heck of an experience, but that will make you that much stronger when you make it all the way thru. You have a great wife, caring doctor, and us here who all care about you. Your gonna make it, the secrets out. Keep us posted, NOD