mind games

[spider6]

Hey guys, I haven't been around putting my chirps in lately, not because I relapsed or anything because I
haven't, but I just don't have as much energy as some of you seem to have these last few days. I have
been having a hard time mentally I guess.  I'm not really craving pills, but I am craving energy and I used
to equate energy with pills.  I have been doing some research the last few days trying to figure myself out
and I have always suspected it but I really think I may have adult ADHD.  I display every single
behaviour and have been this way since I was a child. I think I've been trying to medicate myself my whole
life.....seriously since I was 15 it's never stopped.

Even the meds I take now for my depression..(Welbutrin), I take more than I'm prescribed to as they work
better in my opinion. I'm supposed to take 2 100mg. SR  twice a day....but I have been taking 3 100mg SR
twice a day with no adverse effects.  Maybe I should be on something like Adderal, euch, I don't even
know what that is.  

Okay, I know I'm rambling but there's a question here somewhere......does any of you have any experience
with what I'm talking about.  I think this is what happens to me when I try to get clean....I'm good for awhile
then my mind starts poking me saying no this isn't working, I need more energy.  I think I'm one of those
people that opiates don't make me tired, they gave me energy.....at least at the beginning anyway.....but
that never lasts does it......then I'm forever chasing the energy that's never going to come again.

This is why I've been drinking coffee for the last two weeks, I'm trying to get that energy high.  pathetic.
Ya, just keep trading off those addictions Spider.  I don't know any other way and I refuse to go on
any other anti depressant as it took me a life time to find the one I'm on now that doesn't give me
adverse side effects.

I'm too old for this s**t! Anyway, does anyone have any words of wisdom for me?

[dominosarah]

Get with your doctor and tell him/her what you have told us.  I think once you get on the right dose you will feel better.

[OxyTired]

Hello Spider!
I about 80 days away from oxycodone, and I am experiencing this "Energy Battle" myself. In am 60 years old, but refuse to accept that as a sentence for lethargy. Currently I am:
1 Exercising on a regular basis, as much as my back will allow.
2 Pushing myself many days, so that I am adapting to doing more. Then when I let off, and sit around a day I am not so droopy.
3 Not napping if I can possibly get around it. My sleep is a little more sound, and then I am more energetic the next day.
4 Morning time I am using amino acids. DMAE, DLPA, Tyrosine, L-Lysine. I view it as rebooting my drug seeking brain cells. Maybe I am wasting my money, maybe not. I am not specifically recommending this for anyone, I am not a doctor.
5 My diet is Paleo. (Yeah, I know, lots of opinions there, but I believe it reduces inflammation on the cellular level)
6 I am trying to include some form of meditation /soul searching each day. I also believe this MH site gives me a lift

I am not the tireless wonder I was when on oxy. But in all honesty at the time I felt deep down, an unease, a dissatisfaction with things that I would ignore. I never could get the buzz "just right"

Little by little, I am experiencing a peace in my life that I never had before. My old normal was a place that had holes that I filled with booze and drugs. I am not so sure I want the old normal me.

And sloowwly, oh so slooowly, I am finding a genuine energy I never thought possible.

[Wildewoman]

Morning ~

I haven't been clean as long as you - but I do have days with no energy AT ALL!! I have to work so those days are spent just sitting in my office. . . . .

I try to hang on to the happy moments - or for me - plan a trip - I have just a touch of OCD when it comes to travel.

Hang in there - I think are amazing!!

[ariley13]

I know this is the last thing you want to hear, but it just takes time. (I hate that word, time!) It's peaks and valleys. The healing process is not linear. It is totally normal to have a few good days, and then feel like you are backtracking. I know how frustrating this is, but you really just have to go with the flow and ride it out. Try to be patient and ok with not always being ok. Just remember how far you have come and constantly remind yourself that using will not do anything for you in the long run. Hang in there and try to keep your head up.

[SmilingBright]

Hey spider,
I am sure things will get better for u!! In time.  I know we get to hate that word.  But that's what everyone says.  I just wanted to add a little about the adderall.  Just from my experience w it.  It was Heck getting off if adderall.   It honestly made me a psychotic  b$$$!  I was prescribed it while in college and gradually took more and more than prescribed. Go figure Huh.  I never thought I would be free from that drug. But thank God it's been more than 5 years since I got off And would never touch it again!!  I would just hate for you to get on another addictive drug and go through this cycle all over again.  I'm sure you will get more and more energy every day!!  Praying for you!!!
Love Chris

[spider6]

Thank you for your words. lol Ya know, I do get it that I'm an older chic lol
54 this yr. but......I DON'T CARE!!!   haha....kidding......I just feel I'm gonna fight this thing to the end. (the slowness) It can't win. I am not happy if I'm not doing something preferrably creatively speaking.  I'm just not.  

Well.......I guess I have to re evaluate my "being".  I will have to invent
a new way of being that is tolerable to my "being".  haha

Don't worry, yes I know I'm the only one that thinks I'm funny. :o}

I cannot wait til I'm where you are, one year, so fantastic for you!  Be proud
and wear it like you mean it....that's my goal.  Oh yes and my brain too,
that's a huge one for me.

The last couple of days I've had a hard time with my brain I guess you could say. It feels like it's not connecting fully at moments with my body, ie.
writing, talking, moving my body.....I hate it!  I feel I look like I'm still using!
That's the hardest thing.  Don't get me wrong I have these surprize moments where I just can't believe how charming and articulate I am, I
have to wonder if I'm not channelling someone else. hahaha

Yes and I do have real happy moments, they just are fleeting.
Thank you for your words,
believe me, I do treasure them..
Peace and hope.

[OpenMind24hours]

Good morning my friend. I don't know about wisdom, the best I can do is share my experience strengths and hopes. I'm exactly as you describe "ADHD". Diagnosed. I always had that energy you crave. But in my case (my case mind you) I reached my mid 60s. That in itself is a miracle!! I've always lived an active lifestyle with my sports, and I had been completely clean for over 27 years. But when I started up on opiates, I soon begin to feel my age; especially during the down times when the false energy they gave me wore off and I needed more to go back up again. The drugs ran me into the ground and drove me to quit. My brain wanted to keep using, but my body said QUIT!! So, after 4 years of battles, here I am almost a year clean again. But the energy level is that of a 67 year old. I go to the gym, walk every day, try to eat well, but the energy is still that of a 67 year old. It isn't real bad. I do a hell of a lot more than my parents when they were my age!! but, i'm still pushing 70. I think the most important thing for me is my thinking, and my brain power. Being clean, I seem to think better (although you wouldn't know it on here lol!), and I feel better. My physical stats from July turned out really well. I've accepted that I'm where I'm supposed to be today, and that I shouldn't mess with myself to coax more power out of an old engine lol. When I first got clean last year I was a mess. Today I'm not. It's getting better and better.  It works, so I'm not going to try and fix it.

My vote is for you to just stay in today, don't worry about tomorrow, and if you don't use just for today, it will get better and better for you.